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'As I watched DJ slip away, I could realize what was ending, but what I didn’t know, couldn’t know, was what was really just beginning …''  Me - 2013

In the twenty months since DJ passed out of this life, the world in which I exist (mostly) has changed entirely. Many of the old things are still here, but appear totally different. Early on it was the challenge of deciding to live at all that held center stage for months, then, finding that it was possible to carry on, trying to convince myself that i actually wanted to. The shock and pain accompanying the loss of a partner has to be experienced to be fully understood. Today I can give quarter to those who speak of things they have no concept about and not have their unknowing statements bring me to a mental boil. Having been fortunate to have caring family has helped and new found friends allows me to think that there is still much to do.
 Leading up to the morning DJ died, I had managed many scenarios of just what life would be like without her, we had four years from diagnosis to her final breaths. I understood that whatever it would be, missing her and loneliness would be part of the scene, but I had no idea of just how deep and just how debilitating it would all be. My attempts to visualize a ‘life after’ always ended with me allowing myself to join her; it was my safe place at that time…it gave me comfort as the things I saw for a future without her were not pleasant, even as thoughts. But I couldn’t know that this type of loss introduces many concerns regarding what we think of ourselves and the things we say we believe in. Through the shock, pain, bewilderment, numbness, fog, anger, resentment, and bottom line pissed-offness, it came down to what I, individually thought and believed about myself, my life to that point and just who the hell I really am. For me, I was forced to admit that altho I understood that our living involves dying, the impact of losing a partner cannot be pre-understood, conceived of, or planned for. That the life DJ and I shared was no longer, was a fact, I knew that; but just what all that entailed has only been revealed, slowly, since that morning.

 When DJ and I talked about this time, it was always in terms of positive, encouraging exchanges, neither of us could know that this type of loss can send one spiraling down that abyss of hopelessness and despair, from which a climb back to the surface may be impossible. For sure I am glad that DJ felt confident enough in me to think that I would manage and she said so more than once, but in my own mind the unknowing gnawed at me constantly. Sometimes I am asked just how did we manage to make it through those four years knowing what the eventual outcome would be. It’s an understandable question; I can recall wondering the same thing many times, before our time, when I would hear of others facing the same situation. It is done much like now has to be lived, one moment, one hour and one day at a time. DJ and I tried to do it that way, actually it would have been too painful to try and do it any other way. In the midst of realizing what was being lost, there were times of sheer terror, times when I would watch as she slept and I would try to imagine her not being there. To be honest it was never a successful exercise; there is just no way to comprehend being without that someone who means everything to us. That we try to do it when forced to, is probably a normal human reaction to the situation with our inability to fully grasp the ramifications behind the idea being just as normal, in reality, what we have is all we know.

 It is said that what you don’t know can kill you and I have come to believe in the validity of that statement. Not knowing, in and of itself is not always the culprit, knowing and doing nothing appears to be the real crime and today I do know…some things anyway. And now, in this time just what are some of the things I know now but could not know that morning? Understanding I can only speak for myself, I can say that I know it has been the most devastating period of my life, I say this fully aware that me and our family have survived the ravages of addiction, other losses and what we thought were some of the worse episodes humans could endure. I know that the mere fact that we can understand something does little to blunt the impact a specific event may have on our mental framework; I know that knowing is not enough sometimes and that many times knowing can make things appear even more painful. I know now that on that morning, I could not know that I would be confronted with myself and forced to admit that either I was grateful for the life we had shared and for the many joyful moments and events our family had, or I was surely a selfish hypocrite, professing to believe, but when called to honor those beliefs, found wanting. Today I know that I can convince myself of the rightness of anything if I decide to; facts be damned, reality can take a holiday. I know today that despite all we claim to be, we are powerless against some of the forces of life altho we may have some input on the impact they can have on our behavior after that impact. Now, I am living that time we spoke of, living it with a grip that if described as tenuous would be giving me the benefit of the doubt…I am not out of the woods yet. I know today, for me, recognizing that I must constantly deal with the notion that there are some things I can control and others which I simply have to let go, I understand this has to become an integral part of my everyday thought processes. I know today that this different life has proved to be a massive struggle against apathy, sloth, indifference, depression, self deception, and excessive self indulgence. I know today it is an easy time to say to hell with it all, after all, DJ’s not here, so why bother? I know and believe today that not having hope cannot be an option for me if I intend to continue living. Today I realize that I cannot let the pain of all that I think was lost blind me to the possibilities of the future…blind me to the point of standing where I stood in that early time on the brink of self destruction. These things I am trying to say here are not new, only to me in some instances and are only important because some of them help me to maintain myself day to day. Once during an especially bad time for DJ, when the full impact of what was occurring and was to occur, raged, as we sat attempting to console one another, DJ said “…I just don’t know…sometimes I just get so scared…about everything…”, not really knowing what to say, I tried to remind her that at this point we had to either trust in that Power we claimed to believe in and trust that all that should be, would be, or we had to admit that it all meant nothing…after going over some the reasons we knew we could stand on to believe, we agreed, this sickness, this dying, it’s not what we wanted but we had to accept it as part of the total and tho apprehensive, we could not let fear rule whatever time we had left together; we could not just take what we wanted, we had to embrace it all. This was about at two years into her journey and afterwards we were able to try to live with that as a backdrop to everything we did. Today I call upon that time and those types of conversations with DJ when my own journey threatens erupt into madness, when the call of the brink becomes louder and all my attempts to justify living are met with equally powerful arguments for resigning from the quest. DJ had her challenges and now, I’m finding I have mine. Today I know that I cannot ask why us, why me, I feel it would be disloyal to that Power in which I trust…besides, it’s just not me, it’s you, and you and you and everyone. This appeared among the things I sometimes read: “Do not be sad because of people. They will all die.” That is something I always knew, we all know it, but what we don’t know, can’t know, is the impact their loss will provide.

 That morning as I watched one portion of my life's journey quietly end and a new one, almost imperceptibly begin, I had no idea of how many of the things that seemed so familiar and safe would become trap doors leading to all manner of passages dark and seemingly unending. There was no way to know I would be called to face myself in a manner most humbling and eye opening. It was impossible to imagine the thoroughness of the shock, the immediacy of the pain or the outright terror of recognizing the fact that DJ was gone and I felt so horribly alone despite a great family and some fine friends. I could not know that I would have to wallow in the grief, in the sadness and allow myself to be nearly consumed by it…for a while…not know that the human body can produce tears in a prodigious amount and that those tears are necessary, are required as they appear the only human expression of our hurt and pain that gives any peace both in the mental and physical arena. And that ironically, those very same tears can act as a soothing balm for the gash that is left by our losses. It could not be known that hope would have to be fought for in order to outstrip the forces of apathy and resignation. Early on, in a conversation with a then, newly widowed friend, I was told by her that her therapist had sad we shouldn't have to  'fight' to be happy in this life; this had been in response to her statement that she was tired of having to fight. It is not clear to me if this is true or not, I'm finding that for me, in the wake of DJ's death, it has been a daily struggle merely to do the necessities, with thoughts of happiness or any attempts at achieving it coming only much later. And coming only as thoughts as I'm not sure I know what happy is anymore...I'm not even sure where to begin to try to describe it for myself, let alone speak about attaining it...not yet anyway. For sure I don't know why, despite my efforts to the contrary, the lack of motivation appears to be so persistent, the desire to really want to do anything is lagging. Perhaps it is a necessary stretch of this journey through grief; maybe it is a period we all have to go through in order to help develop this different life, i just don't know, but i do know I suffer from it. Like many of the things I find occurring during this time, I have come to accept it and muddle through, taking what joys may come and understanding that the new sorrows have to be endured as well as the cost of balancing the emotional books; it's always been like that I imagine, it's just that now I am so much more aware of it, with the bittersweet joy of watching my granddaughter graduate from Kindergarten without DJ present being a prime example. It's one of the specific things I can remember DJ saying she was really sad about, knowing she would probably not make it to that day. As with the other memories...those that can warm me, or those that can trigger all sorts of emotional turmoil, I could not know the impact they would have. There was no way I could know that I would have to spend unknown amounts of time trying to find safe places for all of the memories of our life together, as Bob Seeger so aptly puts it in one of his most popular songs, ''...what to leave in, what to leave out...''. Understanding that I am not unique in this, we all have to do it, i mention it here because it is the cornerstone of my own attempt at healing, this finding safe places for the emotional artifacts of our previous life.

Arriving at today, a few months short of two years since that telling morning, I find that my previous ability to know everything of little use to me on this path, this journey. Coming to terms with the limits of my humanity is not an easy process, acknowledging that knowing is not enough has done little to boost my self esteem and has required me to more closely examine my own ideas of what is and what will never be. The lines here are not a tale of woe is me, it's my attempt to describe some of the things that I have observed about myself and my reaction to DJ's death. During this entire odyssey I have attempted to recognize and behave not like a victim; even before the actuality, I tried to accept what was happening in term of our total living experience and for the most part it worked...while DJ was alive. Once alone, I at first found many of the things which had helped me, and had helped me help her came through as empty and meaningless, it proved to be up to me to make them count for myself alone. At this point that is where I am...attempting to make this life, whatever is left of it, mean something to me. It is requiring a different type of self interest than that at which I once excelled, but the hoped for results are similar, to have me feel better about it all. For me it starts there, recognizing that what shape this future life takes, it's up to me and to secure what I feel is best for me can only come from my own efforts...first. For me, It cannot be done for the memory of DJ, or for our children, or for my family, I feel this is one of those endeavors that has to be driven purely by my own desire for my own peace of mind, and this much I do know.

So the journey continues with the days becoming more even and some semblance of balance making brief appearances. Trying not to let my currently bland enthusiasm for almost everything completely take over is the present day mission and I am remembering that despite everything, life is good and that our dedication to living it fully it is required if we are to enjoy it. Even so, at the end most days, after the trying, after the crying, after the anger, the laughter...after all of it, I'm reminded of another line from that same Seeger tune ''...wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then...'' I think it has become my own sad refrain...for a while.

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

MemOh

“...But the memory of something painful does just the opposite. It retains its original shape, all bony fingers and pointy elbows. Every time it returns, you get a quick poke in the eye or jab in the stomach. The memory of being unhappy has the power to hurt us long after the fact. We feel the injury anew each and every time we think of it.”
― Cameron Dokey, Belle: A retelling of "Beauty and the Beast"

All of us here are well aware of what Mr. Dokey speaks of, we have all endured those pokes and jabs which some of our memories can cause as they are part of our journey now. Recently I came across a post related to grief and it posited that after a while we would find that we would start to recall first, the memories of the lives of our partner rather than thinking of their death first. It caught my eye because I am finding that to be true for me. It is really not such a hard thing to do, but grief has such an overwhelming effect, the ability to do so had been hindered. But they are occurring first, and I'm glad they have. Not having given much thought about memory and remembering at all during most of my life, I now find I am almost consumed by the phenomenon about a goodly portion of my life, they are all I have...and the newer memories, the ones which had been coming first for most of the past 2 years and the thought of moving forward without DJ has nearly totaled me...nearly. But I guess it all serves it's intended purpose as we find that after a while, we can have the memories without so much of the pain. Since they don't appear to be going anywhere anytime soon, an effort to try to incorporate them into our different lives as we make the journey, has to be made. The mechanics of memories seem to be, in general, universal altho how they affect us and our response to them, no doubt, are as individual as we are.
It is kind of strange, as in a way, all I really do is think about DJ, every other thought is about her and our life together. Whereas at first, early on I was almost paralyzed by doing so, now at least I can do other things while the thoughts and memories flow just beneath the surface. And at first, for the better part of a year and a half those memories were related to the last four years of her life and especially those last few months; they came first, at times forcing me to stop all pretense at being able to do anything else, and even taking to my bed for days at a time. Lying there I would debate whether to consider just drifting away or would allow my self to think that the entire world could go to hell...whatever happened, well, let it happen. It is my belief that those times were made even more dreadful because of the pain that came with those thoughts. Although the very last line of the quote above appears to be true and those thoughts have not completely disappeared, they have for the most part subsided, and as I say, I can do other things. That they 'poke and jab' is quite true, but I'm finding they have softened. As the memories of our life before the illness appear more readily now (and without pain I might add), I think I am able to better recognize, define, and maybe even embrace the facts of the different life, with that ability allowing me to affirm my hope in living forward.  But in doing all of this, I try to keep in mind that this is 'my' reality, how these memories come to affect my behavior and my life and that it is very different for everyone, with all of it being valid. Naturally it is a constant thing with myself, to try to put these things in a 'safe place', it is the approach I have chosen, but I also notice and cannot help but to try and understand how all this affects our family too...mainly our children. They each have their own reality of memories and have had a hand in shaping how they express how they are affected.  For sure, in general, when we gather these days there is talk of DJ and recollections of her foibles and her 'Mom isms', the things common to all children and parents I imagine. Even the last times can be talked about with only a tinge of sadness and a few moments of quiet. Those are one sort of memories, they are shared and enjoyed by the group. But in thinking of all of this, I try to focus on some of the things not readily noticeable. Our youngest daughter lives about an hour away and in the last few months made the trip daily to our house...and back to her own in the evening when DJ had settled in. During that time it was not unusual for DJ to call her and ask that she bring some popcorn (the special regular/carmelcorn mix), or a smoothie, or some food she might be having a taste for...now, all of us did this, but is was almost a regular thing between those two.   For the first couple of weeks after DJ died, she would stop by the house fairly often, we would talk and try to console one another, but soon she stopped coming by. Of course we still talked almost everyday and kept in touch via texting and the various social medias, her visits were few. DJ's sister lives about 10 minutes from me, and some of the holiday events have been transferred to her house, and we would see one another there. At one point during an occasion we got to talking and she mentioned that she wanted me to know how hard it was for her to even walk up the steps to our house, that she didn't want me to think she didn't want to see me, but it was all just so hard...now, this was fairly early on, but even at that time I had known what was up. As we talked, I let her know I understood about her coming to the house and pointed out to her that I had the same trouble walking up those steps...every day and that I could not count the times I had been tempted to turn around, get in the car and drive off...period. Continuing, I said it must have been pure hell for her to have to make those trips each day, with all that time to think about all that was going on, all that was yet to happen. I let her know I understood how difficult it all must have been, especially that nightly ride back home; not knowing if the next day her mother would be alive and knowing that probably one night soon, would be that night before 'that' day. The memory for her of making those trips were powerful indeed, and more than once we had phone talks about handling the grief she was experiencing and just how hard it was for her. Many times I said to her that is necessary for her to have to cry her ass off for her mother and not to try to ''be strong'''; she had lost her mother, it was natural and I reminded her that any attempts not to feel everything she needed to would do her no good. We have since talked about that time and as she speaks I can hear the memory in her voice, there is pain, but I believe it has eased. My own memory of that time has this along with everything else blended in; see, when she would leave on those nights and it would just be me and DJ, I would also be thinking about our daughter taking that ride and thinking and feeling and knowing. It is said that there is a special pain a parent feels when their children are hurting and there is nothing to be done, I one for one believe it. Of course I have noticed this with our other two children also, but here I am talking about the youngest.
Yes, the memory of something painful appears to retain it's shape, it's hard edges cutting deep into the skin of our emotions and the flesh of our mental bodies. For a time it is all we can feel, all we can know. It can make us think that it will never leave and will penetrate and linger for the duration. For me, the pain those edges can create has softened, tho at times it can reappear with all the searing agony of the original cut. Today I am grateful that I can think past DJ's death and remember the earlier times, those times when there was yet much to be attempted. It is better understood by me today that this is part of 'me', that it has to be a part, and only a part; it reminds me that what comprises me is much more than DJ's death and whatever pain of grief I may suffer, just as DJ herself was much more than her death and the effect it has on others. So having the life memories coming first, balancing out those sad and hurtful times is welcomed, I and trying to revel in them when I can because I do understand that altho may be coming first now, those edges await, and I suspect always will, I think they too are part of me, of life. I am coming to believe that it is a curious aspect of our human-ness that we find we can define, articulate and even claim to know many things, we can attribute effects to causes, give descriptions and set down as facts an untold number of things. But in regards to the feelings memories can generate, all of that, none of that, appears to do us any good in managing our reactions to them...we are humbled to the realization that even all our knowledge comes up short against them. At this point in my own journey, with happier memories coming first, the other aspects of living become a bit clearer if not easier to live with. The necessary background sadness takes it's place along side the other things we manage to find places for in our lives; the waves of grief, tho understood, still have shattering results when they strike; memories both good and bad run rampant through our minds and we are left to assign them to the price for having loved and try to press forward. Being trapped in the limits of our humanity we attempt to find our own peace, that peace we define for ourselves, possibly liking none of this, but knowing there is no other way, it is 'life' and we have to live it.
The other day I was thinking about a time before we moved into our current house, we had been packing boxes for weeks even tho we did not yet have anything definite. Each day after work we would do something aimed in the direction of moving. Closets of the apartment were being emptied, unused items were being discarded and although we both were well along in years, this would be our first house and we had an air of excitement about us that was infectious. Once, amid the boxes, piles of clothes, and other signs of major disruption, as we took a break and had refreshments, we talked about the possibilities the move offered; nothing special, just the things folks go over when they do things like this. There was talk of furniture, floors, finding the right colors, mostly things women would be concerned with. I remember looking at her as she talked and thumbed through a magazine...I can't really say I was listening hard, more like enjoying her glee and thanking my Higher Power for allowing me to have come back from years of practicing to arrive at a point where we could even be contemplating a major move for us. It didn't matter what she wanted to do, it was all fine with me, I was just glad we could be doing it at all. At one point DJ said to me ''...this is all I ever really wanted...just to be doing the things normal people do, trying to make a better life...'', It was a reference to the previous years when describing us as dysfunctional would have been an upgrade for our family. I can really remember feeling just plain good at that moment even tho we had no idea when or if any of this might occur. Seeing her happy about something was enough for me and being able to have that memory first today is great. It's the type of memory that is happening first a lot these days altho some sadness comes along for the ride. But it's alright, again, that's the way it should be I think and for sure, they are part of my life now.
The hard days still come and at times they can be as rough as the instance of those very first moments of realization, with all the anguish and disbelief reappearing for an encore, I'm finding that knowing that they happen, and understanding that this is all part of it does not help when those enormous waves of grief hit and you have to not only admit you know the truth, but feel every degree of pain it brings. I'm not so sure that will ever become a memory, this process, this journey we are on, It is simply (ha!) a fact and cannot be denied. My attempts at keeping the memories without all the pain are holding their own against those forces of sadness which at times makes me want to scream '' I am!...I am...hurt, stunned, lost...angry, I am Goddamn!'', and having hope comes easier; I imagine that for a while, it's the best which can be expected.