'NotherStep

“In time, in time they tell me, I'll not feel so bad. I don't want time to heal me. There's a reason I'm like this. I want time to set me ugly and knotted with loss of you, marking me. I won't smooth you away.
I can't say goodbye.”   ― China Miéville, The Scar

Recently, during a conversation with some widowed friends, we got around to talking about the annoyances our partners provided for us. The specifics are not so important as there was nothing too heavy being discussed, just the run of the mill things we all can probably relate to.  As we each described some of the quirks about our partners we could recall, I really became aware of the flavor of the conversation rather than being focused on any one particular story, and how in some ways, the  entire exchange was truly amazing, at least to me. Of course, at this point in the journey, talking about our loved ones continues and perhaps it is a sign that some form of healing is occurring that we could talk in such an easy and matter of fact manner, at least for that group of us talking at that time.Listening to each speak of their mates penchants, I considered how that for many of us, just a relatively short while ago, none of us could probably imagine being able to do this without an outpouring of tears being the result or worse, an emotional exit from the conversation. But there we were, speaking of those things which were such a part of the people we love and who are now no longer with us. Describing the traits of their humanness with a fairly easy air about it all…laughing here, agreeing on some points we found in common, there. For me, the conversation offered no real challenge to my emotions as the general tenor and many of the individual things which were being talked about I have constantly playing on the memory track of my mind and I was glad to be present. The entire scene made me think about those early days when all I wanted to do was talk about DJ as if the mentioning of her name over and over and the dialogue about our life together would somehow bring her back. Having my oldest daughter nearby and being able to do this with, I now understand, was a blessing as I came to find that others learned that sometimes friends and even family shunned much mention of our loved ones. Not personally having suffered this, it was a revelation to me. But I know it happens and is true.

Talking about the personalities of those we love, remembering their habits all make up what is now becoming our current relationship with them; a differently deep and sometimes sad experience which now has to suffice in lieu of their physical presence, but it is what we have. I imagine it’s all part and parcel of the journey, our attempts to crystallize the realities of what has occurred and what we have now and to integrate them into the different life…finding safe places for those things which altho totally intangible, paradoxically make up such a hard and palpable part of our beings these days, strange indeed. And tho an important part, it is just one part along with the other things which must be done as we move forward. Like the sorting and purging we must do with other things, physical things, this type of back and forth helps us to pare down the chaff and keep those special germs of wheat which have come to mean so much to us. For a while we keep many of the physical things about us as we try to decide just what we must have in order to feel better about where we are; that picture frame with Family engraved around the border cannot go, but the same can’t be said for the party favor which I thought was so important just last year. And so it is with much of the things we do these days, think about them, hopefully talk about them with others as we try to better grasp who we are becoming and what we need to assist us in being that different us.

As we talked, it was easy for me to think of how DJ would sometimes rail when she realized that I was not upset as she was about some particular situation; how dare I not be as outraged as she was, no matter how small or great the incident might be. It was well known in the family that DJ loved to wear white, and on those occasions when we would have family gatherings, there would be a running bet among those of us in the know as to how long it would be before she inevitably spilled something on her blouse, shirt, pants, shoes, …&ct…when it would happen and we would bust out in laughter, her eyes would flash and usually a few choice words would be directed towards us because she knew what was up. Now, that is not an earth shattering event and on the scale of human dramas, barley registers a wiggle of the needle, but to those of us who were there, who know, who remember, it it just those types of things which we are now calling upon to sustain us. Being able to do so without the pain has always been the challenge, and early on, thinking that this would never be possible led to many days and months of pure hell with fear and anxiety giving the ride. Tho focused on our partner’s personalities mainly, the conversation could have been about anything related to them, the tone was good and everyone appeared to enjoy identifying with one another. In mentioning a couple of things about DJ, things I have come to express as features of her personality, I was reminded of just how much I truly miss her. Being taken to those habits and ways was not altogether bad; perhaps it was because I was sharing it with folks I have come to consider as friends and whom I know, truly understand. I don’t know about the others, as I didn’t ask, but for me being able to do that, to talk about DJ in and easy and free flowing way was very liberating for me. It helped me to find some of peace about myself and those safe places where I have been attempting to place her memory. Yes, they have been placed there, but the true measure of just how successful all of this has been will be when I am called on to go there and retrieve them for review. One never knows these days just what or when something will take us there, when we will be forced to relive some agony from our recent past, fortunately for me, this did not happen. It will always be a matter of trial and error, reliving those past times, those past memories, it is what we have now and having to put them in alignment with the other things the different life requires will be an ongoing process I imagine. It’s another stretch of the journey we could not know when we started down the path, like so many other things, this trying to figure out how to emotionally manage all the pieces of yesterday’s life. It is not clear to me how other folks who knew our loved ones do this, perhaps because most are not as close as we are, it is not something they have to deal with. Yet we know that for us, it can be all consuming sometimes, taking every bit of energy we can muster to try and understand it all and just how we are to handle it going forward.   

There was a time, before the illness, when the last of the kids had left the house to pursue their lives and it was just DJ and I, we were in our mid 40’s and life was really starting to look up. It was a new experience for us, being totally alone with each other. But I think we really came to appreciate one another more and really got to know just who we had become during the busy years of trying to raise a family. Some of that time was spent trying to detail what and how we had done up to that point; a good portion of it was devoted to honestly going over my practice and recovery; we both knew we were fortunate to have been able to arrive at that point at all. It was during this time that I came to understand just how much DJ meant to me, and just how glad I was that I had focused my efforts on having her in my life those many years before. Altho we both worked, we found time to plan and do things that we could enjoy together; this allowed us to really come to like one another. And altho it lasted only a few years before some of the kids made an encore into our household, they were golden and I treasure them now.

 In the quote above, the author doesn’t want time to heal them…instead,  be “ ugly and knotted…” about the loss; I can understand this as I too think I should always feel that ugly and knotted pain of not having DJ with me, not having those features in my life which I have come to love and miss so dearly now. Those looks, the glances, the familiar gestures, even the spilling, and especially that look.  For sure I have been marked, but I am not complaining, merely relating…I would have it no other way and I’m sure most of you will agree on that. We know our loved ones cannot be smoothed away, they simply can’t be; the wrinkle they impressed upon our hearts and minds is too deep, too formed, too always to be ironed out of existence, despite what others might think; we are charged with recognizing the character that wrinkle has given to our lives and just how much the better we are for having the experience of it and with them. It is said that we do not meet people by accident and I can believe that. I have no idea of the odds involved in my meeting DJ when I was a paperboy those many years ago and us getting together a couple of years after that, or why the air of arrogance which crept through her voice as she directed me to her mother’s workplace to be paid, attracted me to her even then (and I think that air got thicker as we got older…another feature); there is no telling what drove me to reckless declarations of affection even as I understood she may have had feelings for another, insisting there could be no other way. All I do know is that it actually happened and today provides me with those memories which are becoming more dear each day as a better understanding of just how fleeting life is, has been made apparent. These are not the type of things I want to or will say good-bye to, I don’t think any of us will…we can’t, because in the end, they are a permanent part of us, we know that.

 Today just being able to share those memories with one another is a tremendous accomplishment for some of us. We know today just what has been lost, yet we also know that having hope is maybe something we can do with confidence; we don’t know this by accident, we know it because we have lived it, loved it and now attempt to make it part of our different lives, it is what our journey requires of us and we now understand that the path just cannot be smoothed, it has to be traveled...