aLong the Way

 

“Hope in the beginning feels like such a violation of the loss, and yet without it we couldn't survive.”     ― Gail Caldwell, Let's Take the Long Way Home: A Memoir of Friendship

Two Years. 24 months. 104 weeks. No great discussion here on the concept of time; no in depth attempt at analyzing that curious phenomenon which can play such an important part in our lives; just an acknowledgement of that span as a marker, indicating how long it has been since that morning when DJ took her final breaths and life change forever for me and our family. Nor is this an exercise to debate whether the second year is worse, or easier or harder or happier or sadder or...  I have come to believe that we all have to come to those types of determinations for ourselves and can only listen as we hear the experiences of others as we now know we have to make these answers real for us.

Actually it's a little longer than two years for me, I waited till the end of the month to put these words to print, altho DJ died 11.08.11. The approach of the date presented me with no great challenges as from the start of the Journey, I have consciously worked at avoiding being a victim of the dates...any dates. They will come around each year I'm alive and with the roller coaster of Grief being quite enough of a ride, I do not want to add another emotional dip to the mix. It has not been a total success, but the dates have been softer for me. At this point I can at least look back and chart the steps along the Journey, I hesitate to use the word ''progress'' as I'm not sure if it is accurate or not; no matter, at any rate I stand at this point and understand, if only a small bit better some of what has occurred and have a somewhat better understanding of the impact this all has had on my life. Considering the mental state I was in when I arrived at this site, I Know it's Providence which has me here today, that and the kindly folks I met here. Regarding the quote at the top of this page, hope, at the start of this, for me, did not exist. My emotional landscape was so desolate that the appearance of anything other than pain and despair did not seem possible. The crushing weight of the early realization, coupled with a gnawing knowledge that things could never return to what they once were...the seemingly hollowness of thinking about living forward without DJ...the terror brought on by confusion and by having no experience at losing one so damn dear to me, these and more helped move me to the outer edge of that open window, it appearing to offer at least some quiet to the raging storm which ran constantly through my mind; any notions of hope being swept out of consciousness by the powerful emotional winds the storm can carry.

But, we can find that having hope is possible; we can come to believe that living forward can be achieved, even if our understanding of the events remains clouded and unclear. Heeding the words of those whose experience with the Journey was greater than my own, I was able to somewhat calm my mind and approach my path one step at a time.  As the fog cleared and the shock wore off, I was able to begin reviewing memories and coming to terms with the facts of the then current situation. Understanding that my mind was my own worse enemy, I tried to remain honestly focused on what had happened and just how it was making me feel. Finding that I could not relegate DJ's death to my own personal domain and use that as an excuse for the ultimate escape, I was forced to view what had occurred in the greater context of what it meant to me...to Fred in the scheme of my life; that chapter of DJ's life had come to an end and altho the memory of it will always be carried by me for as long as I live, I found I could not use it as an excuse to avoid the responsibility of living forward simply because it might be painful. As I listened to the stories of others I began to understand that despite everything, I had been fortunate. As clarity returned, I could see how many things i could truly call blessings; hearing someone mention ''...but we were suppose to grow old together...'', I could reflect on the fact that DJ and I did get the chance to grow old together, from 17-18 to 61-62...when I would read the pain in a comment such as ''...it was so sudden, we didn't have time to say goodbye...'', I could draw on the many 'goodbye' conversations DJ and I had, those telling conversations where because of the seriousness of the situation, bullshit was not allowed, where very hard things were discussed, apologies made, tears shed and promises shared which we both knew could probably not be kept, but had to be said anyway...it was just like that; but we did have those opportunities. These types of things forced me to place all the events in a perspective which reflects the entirety of my life to this point, not just that sad morning those seemingly many days ago.

Taking to this area of the site, I attempt to put down in print just what I thought and what I could remember; for me it was a  Godsend. Hearing how many of us suffered through that awful stage, early on, when altho all we seem to want to do is talk about our partners, those around us appear mute, unable in some cases to even speak the name of our loved ones, lest they send us crying, scrambling from the room. This was not my experience as my daughter lives nearby and in those weeks immediately afterwards, she and I would talk about DJ whenever we were in the same room; I think it was an healing exchange and altho the other almost knew to a word what the coming story would be as it had be told before, still, relief and release was found in hearing the retelling. We all are different, but for us, I think this was exactly what we needed.  But as I read of the pain caused by not being able to do this, and listened as others related just how isolated this sometimes made them feel, i came to understand better, just how subtle and pervasive the effects and aftershocks of the grief actually are. The multitude of them can seem to attack, emotionally, all at once and create a mental state where we can feel that hope or any of the other aspirations we might otherwise have and experience, are no longer possible...I know that was true for me. Being without a belief in hope is the one item I can point to as my most difficult issue. Finding this site, being able to allow myself to accept the fact that I knew absolutely nothing about this and had to be willing to hear, made the difference in my personal Journey. Being able to trust when I heard others mentioning a particularly hard period, how they managed it and being reminded that it was a process, with the implied bad boy lurking: time.... and it was necessary at times to take it 'one day at a time', a phrase I'm not altogether unfamiliar with. That whatever I was feeling about it all, basically, it was o.k., and those feelings would pass also...and they did. Being able to express what I needed to on almost a real-time basis, getting feedback, being forced to examine previous ideas about events, people, life....death, evidently was what I needed, as is said, we are all different.

So now, today, I think of the two years since DJ died within the spectrum of my entire life so far; finding safe places for the memories is something we all face; choosing answers which make sense to us has been the driving force behind this. Good. bad, right, wrong, like it or not takes on a certain relative-ness we might not all like to admit, but I think its true; and barring harm to anyone else...why not? Having come to understand that we don't have to like one bit of this, that my contempt for it at times, will not change one thing, we live forward. We find we are powerful, attempting to rebuild our notions of friends, as we find our old ideas like our old friends, may be distant or even disappearing, we meet, share our experiences, come to know one another through print, but making connections virtually out of thin air; such is the medium. But these connections are not the tenuous strands so often created...these bonds are strong and the support they provide can not be underestimated. It was my good fortune to have them and this site as beacons, as the path surely appeared dark to me.The time since DJ died is what it is...time; what has occurred in my life during that time is what makes this important...important to me, anyway. A belief in hope for the future, forged right here on this site  is what is guiding me now, it is making the difference. I am sure that there are others in our circumstance whom have other ways, support groups, perhaps only family and friends, and that is good, as we can agree, the Journey is different for each of us...jes' saying' what I believed has helped me.

Early on, I remember thinking how I just knew this would not work, I would not be able to continue without DJ. I was trying to do things I thought would help, but it was that miserable time when the ability to to be rational is scarce. Knowing everything, I convinced myself that there was no point. It was there that I think I lost sight of the hope. Back when we got the diagnosis I had made up my mind that I would exit with DJ; i think used that a a block against thinking about the time afterwards when she would not be here. Not being able to see any hope for a future afterwards, I had went along those four years with this as my wall. When the time came and the wall had to be dealt with i was unprepared. That in and of it self is no great thing, none of us are prepared, few of us have experience with losing the most important person in the entire world to us. Learning to survive and understand the 'how to', is a process, is a Journey...the manner of how you arrive at start of the path at some point becomes secondary(long term illness, accident, sudden...), not the fact of the loss, but the fact that such a loss is being felt by others also, each as devastating as your own. At some point in my wallowing this fact struck me and I was able to begin to get a reference for my own experience. We all face a mountain of problems, some internal, some external, family, friends, debt, agencies, best friends, the list could go on, but you know what I mean. In that muddle it can become hard to separate things, it got that way for me. Having a reference helped me to understand better the place for all this and the idea that for me, this was necessary. Thoughts of not living forward faded as understanding that we are more than our deaths became clearer to me; allowing myself to believe that the flow of my life had to contain this part of it just as it contained my eighth grade graduation...the time i got in trouble with the cops...or that funny day when my mom wet me with the garden house and laughed as I tried to hide from here...those things should be there, just as DJ's death should be. Fitting it in continues, the fact that I believe it should be there does not make it any easier to manage, but that's where trying to learn to carry the memories forward comes in. Through the tears sometimes, through the days we just know will not ever come to a close, through the nights which sometimes almost refuse to end, through it all, we learn to carry them. We can find it's life for us now and in that life, along with those carried memories there is room for new friends, new adventures, room even for a different us.

The missing continues, the background sadness has assumed a persistent mental hum and spikes occasionally causing waves of grief; the devastating loneliness remains apparent, but in my case is being balanced with the idea that it should be that way...for a while. Now, after realizing how just every aspect of our lives has changed we also find that the changes in ourselves is what is allowing to continue; fact is we could not remain where we were, going through it, for all of us is really the only way; going through it with support can make all the difference in our understanding and ability to live forward, at least I think that. Altho I loved DJ to no end, I cannot not live for her; i'm finding i have to live forward for me. There is no guilt for me in having hope, DJ is not being left behind, but I understand that for some of us it true. How to carry DJ's memory along with me has been what this is all about, trying to understand what I can about the hows and whys of life and how this fits in with it all has been my struggle. Recognizing those things I cannot control and those things I might have some influence on, reminding myself that these things, this action, this living forward is not new, just different now...that this has been going on and will continue, we find we can either be swept along or take an active part in trying to negotiate the path. Hard to see early on when all you want is your partner back, your life back, You back...but the evidence says it's there and to not let the rigors of the route deter you from finding your own answers...I believe they do exist. Being able to have a renewed hope in living forward, I'm grateful each day as another opportunity, life isn't perfect and honestly I don't think we expect it to be, we just don't like the results of the messes, but it's what we have and we do what we can, with what we have. Being able to do it at all can be considered a great achievement i guess, it's exhausting, but, it is.