
A while back I was reading a book on the origins of WWI by Barbara W. Tuchman, The Guns of August, it detailed the many causes for the beginning of that tragic event. At one point in the book she goes through some of those causes in depth, generally stating; what if this country had not done this, what if that country would have done that, how some countries could have avoided it all together if....how it might not have happened at all if certain alliances had not been in place. She details a lot more reasons, but what I'm getting at is the title of the section that described all of this: "An accumulation of if's".
I am finding that in some respects, that title can be used to describe some of the pain and regret many of us have when dealing with our grief. To some degree it is only natural that we would replay the sequence of events leading up to our loved one's demise in our minds over and over, and wonder if we did all we could to keep them comfortable, to keep them well, to keep them with us, we have to, it is such a powerful event. Many of us in our minds, intellectually, can understand what the ramifications of our diagnosis was, we can mentally grasp to some extent what is indicated when we are told that there was a terrible accident, and although as terrible as it is, yes, we can even digest that horrible moment if we wake to find our partners next to us, no longer alive. Some of us have had to make the rounds to the various healing centers in our attempts to find the cure for what has ailed our mates and have tried every new technique that was offered in order to keep them with us. For those of us here now, it may all seem so futile, because our partners are gone and the questions remain.
"...what if I had only...."
In my own case I believe we were fortunate, there are only a few 'what if's'. The diagnosis was given and accepted as a stark reality of our life for whatever time was left, after that, we purposely did everything with that reality in mind. During some of our more intimate talks, as we discussed the situation, Donna would sometimes say " what If I wansn't dying, wonder what we would be planning', we would go on on to talk about what she would really like to do next. The situation really skewed our perception of the future, although not a false future, it was distorted in a strange way. We made it a point to try and make sure there were as few 'what if's' as possible; Vegas this year, not next, the all day shopping excursion for our daughters and her, this week, not next; that new bed and living room furniture, now, not tomorrow. Can we afford it? Well, we couldn't afford the kids either, but we had them, didn't we. The only 'what if' I really think about these days is what if it didn't happen at all. I know there are many others that have a lot more of those ' what if's' than I can ever imagine, for them I am truly sorry that they must endure what must surely be a special mental hell. We are told that we should not torture ourselves with the question, but how can we not? This too is human nature and as I'm finding out, it may be a necessary part of the grieving process. By doing it, we attempt to reassure ourselves that we did everything possible to insure that our loved ones were comfortable, were well as could be, and remained with us for as long as possible; that our actions were the best for the situations we faced, I think we feel the need to forgive ourselves, although it really isn't required.
For those still grappling with the almost impossible task of deciding if the right thing was done I can only offer this: although the answer may not come as soon as you like, especially not in that early time in the heat of grief when passions run high, we must remember that the bottom line is that we were dealing with what was best for the person we cared about the most. Any decision regarding them would almost by necessity have to be the best one because we know that at least in this case, we only had their best interest at heart. Because of the final result we may feel that our best wasn't good enough, that there is something else we should have done; "...what if I had woke up earlier?", "...what if we had only...", "what if I had checked...", "...what if we had tried..."
"...what if...".
I personally have come to believe that the outcome of the struggle we were involved in was settled long before any decision I made had been implemented.
For us left to ponder the 'what if's', of our given situation, it may serve us well too remember that the accumulation of if's can overwhelm us, can lead us into a maze of no escape and in the end provide no answers to to a question which may always seems so important to us, but one which I personally think is too elusive. I believe that, hard as it may be, we have to try to find a proper place for the 'what if's' if we are to move through the grief and gain some measure of peace. We have to try to do what is surely one of the most difficult things for human beings to do: admit that some things are just out of our control. For sure, this is not always an easy thing to do and we cannot put all of them to rest, not totally, but at least maybe we can learn to live with them as a real part of our humanity without having them keep us in such a constant state of flux and pain. At this point you might expect to find a line or two about us having to forgive ourselves or some other grossly overused appellation, don't bother, it ain't here; we did our best, it's as simple as that, there's really nothing to forgive.
It is often said we are only as good as our last success, while I don't totally subscribe to that, I like to think that what we felt, how we loved, and the many things we did for those we love was a great success unto it self and one that does not really require constant review.
{note to self}
what if i didn't make my point clear...what if this is too long...what if this is too short...what if..
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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings
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