iDentity Born

It has been nine months since DJ died...early on I had pledged not to become a slave to the dates; I had read and seen enough of the anguish it caused some of us and I decided I didn't want to become a victim of the emotions I had seen described...still...that time....those months...if I take an average of a 30 day month, that's 270 days; DJ and I were married for 14,400 days, we knew each other for over a thousand more days than that. It's ironic that nine months just happens to be the gestation period for human beings normally before they are brought into this world...the time required for a ''new life'' to develop.  The thought struck me that in those nine months, a different, new life has developed for me too. And much like that embryo which can grow during that time, I didn't have much choice in going through those months; it simply happened (ha!). In that time an embryo develops the necessary physical means to survive in the world outside of the womb...it's mental development will begin once it's introduced to that world.

Thinking about all of this lead me to draw a parallel to my own life over those months..how, like that embryo I did not ask to be put here, but I am here...how both of our journeys to new, outside world required us to grow and produce various attributes to survive; for it, to adapt to the outside physical world beyond that of it's mother's body, for me, the world outside this cocoon of grief. They are two very different places as I view them, these places we come from after these months; the one providing safety, protection and nourishment, the other offering unimaginable pain, and at times, terror, despair, and anguish. It is a curious parallel indeed. The pain, if any, that embryo endures after having come full term, tho it is the cost of passage to that outside world, we have no knowledge of, it doesn't remember, it cannot talk if it did remember, and often appears to sleep immediately after entering this world.  Our breakout is not so forgiving, it has no built in memory protection, if fact I believe an honest evaluation of the entire spectrum of our memories is required in order for us to escape it...

But we are not as fortunate as that term embryo, we are not afforded the luxury of loss of memory during our emergence in whatever large or small way from the envelop of grief; with large or small meaning just how ready we are to really move forward.  In fact, to even reach the maturity to be prepared to move through it, we have to use memory, and memories to assist us in understanding what will be required for us to live in our ''new birth''.  Tragically, sometimes the embryos are stillborn...and so it is with grief; some of us are destined to be held in perpetual widowhood, with the reasons for that being both varied and valid...truly a curious situation. In my own case I think I have avoided that stillbirth as today I feel better prepared to face the ''new life'', not totally prepared, just better equipped to deal with it.  The time in my grief cocoon has been spent, from the day of DJ's departure, in an attempt to grasp, understand, and accept what has happened and the ramifications for the remainder of my life.  it has been a time of intense pain and amazing self revelations; a period replete with the entire range of human emotions laid bare...exposed not only for me to have to review, but in some instances for all those in my immediate and not so immediate life circle to be privy to as well.  I was as unaware of all of this, as is that sleeping possibility in the womb...unknowing of the many twists and turns my mind would endure or where they would lead me...from that first budding kernel of realization that DJ was no longer with me to the forming of some ideas as to how to reorient my mind to just what that meant in real terms for my future mental and physical well being.  

I have mentioned before that I claim no special knowledge in this grief area, no inside tips or tricks to our surviving it with any modicum of sanity; just the detailing of my own personal experience through it, and some of the thoughts that have occurred to me during the journey.  But unlike that emerging being from that womb which often rests after it's entry into the new world waiting for it, there is very little resting for those of us attempting to affect our own birth into our new lives. Work is required...thoughts and ideas have to be dealt with, certain emotions having to be brought under reign, and a certain vigilance is required for us to have any type of successful entry, through the grief.  I feel I am at that certain point...that point of exiting from the cocoon and into the new life through greif; tho not nearly completely healed, I feel in far better shape than those first raw, and seemingly unreal days and weeks.  That time when looking ahead, for me meant checking outside of the window to insure I was up high enough to guarantee that I would not survive once I leaned all of the way out of it. I do not say these things lightly, this is serious business to us who are trying to adapt to the new life before us, unwanted as it may be. I am finding that altho I can feel the emergence, even welcome it, unlike that newborn, i do not get to sleep after the pain of entry, and I get to remember every damn thing about the process.

Today, as I welcome hope and the possible as newly rediscovered friends, I am aware that the work for me is not over, that there is still much to do in this new life, that being born into it is only another part of the process, and that now, It will be necessary for me to actually accept and implement those things I have learned while in the cocoon...see, that embryo for all it's glory as a tribute to miracles, cannot tell us one thing about it's life inside; but we can speak of the things we endured during our time in the cocoon of grief. We can recall and relate the agony of realization, we can denote those events which cause anguish, pain and terror. We can trumpet the small victories achieved during that time, and can possibly accept some of the shattering revelations we learn about ourselves and those whom we once thought were so willing to be our friends. These can be hard things...very hard things indeed, but birth has always been that way and we should expect this one to be no less painful, with our feeling the pain of our own labor as well as those near and dear to us.  After these months, It is somewhat unsettling to have a memory and not experience so much pain; to see a specific item an not tear up, to lie in the quiet night without the demons of past memories and events torturing us and providing the sleeplessness we all have come to know so well. Unsettling, but welcomed...it is what we have been striving for, and for me, I feel confident enough to say that this is happening.  I waited a full month before mentioning it here because in the past I have had stunted starts...times when I thought I was ready, but like false labor pains, they were only precursors to the actual delivery.

Of course DJ remains in my every other thought and at certain times, my every thought, but now, thinking of her is not quite as painful as it once was; from the memory of that early morning which does not seem that long ago, as we sat in my car after her Prom when I explained to her how she had to be my girlfriend, and later, my wife; when I let her know that I was prepared to accept the answer she gave, either ''...yes...'' or ''...hell yes...'', as there was simply no third way...to the memory of another morning which does sometimes seem very long ago, as she lay there, quietly passing on before my eyes and when the answers this time were required of me, with all our yes'es' having been explored and the futility of the no's exposed for their glaring helplessness and me being forced to accept some third way; all of these memories and more come with less pain and more understanding.  It is my hope that they remain that way, becoming even more commonplace without garnering the contempt that is so often associated with familiarity. 

I offer these thoughts merely as a report, as an observation on my own progress; not knowing fully how to describe or explain it, only knowing that it has, and is happening and yes...it feels good.  Losing apprehension about having your next thought, being freed of the fear of closing our eyes in any attempt to blot out the world, having to ability and freedom to believe, to have hope, to live without so much pain is indeed as much a miracle for many of us, as is that of a human birth...I am embracing my past 9 months...I am trying to view them as that time required for my development to be prepared for birth into my ''new life''. For me, this is very serious stuff because at various points along the way my sanity has been in jeopardy and even my continued existence. The work involved was not all of my own either...this required the assistance from many others including friends and family, and it does require me to be honest, open and willing to some degree and to actually ''walk'' what had become my ''talk''.  I am well aware that the timing of this as it relates to human development may be merely a coincidence, a random occurrence at some given point on my journey through grief; that i choose to view in relation to that development is my own doing, with the full understanding that each of us have different timelines in our efforts to gain acceptance, and I believe that is what we are all trying to gain.....some acceptance.  For sure there will be a new identity born for me from this, that has not yet taken place fully; here, I am just emerging into a position which will make that identity possible.