For a Whyle

''''...It's out of our hands now, I'm through worrying about it; just put 

your arms around me every now and then...and don't forget me...'' 

DJ - 08/11

   The other day, the local guy who patrols the neighborhood with his lawnmower and other gardening tools met me as I was getting out of the car; he asked if I wanted him to clear the leaves and cut the grass in front of our house. There were some leaves there and the grass was a bit overgrown...it has some brown spots too...I thought for a moment and then said ''..No...do it next week...''. As he moved on down the block, I went in the house, put away the things I had been carrying, and sat by the window, I looked out at the grass; I thought about how DJ would mostly cut it, it's a small area, and she would insist on doing it, cutting the grass and tending the flowers she had planted in the two pots which sit on the porch, leaving the larger, back of the house area to occupy my time.  It had never looked liked it did now, not really bad but... not as when she was alive...but now I thought, it's alright for it to be like that...for a while. For me, in a way, it should look like that, the one who really took care of it is no longer here, and the signs of that, is the condition it reflects now, a bit unattended. As I looked around the room, more things appeared unattended...the now drooping plant she loved, tho not beyond hope, is not watered every day like she watered it...those pairs of shoes by the entry door, laying haphazardly are not lined up the way she might have had them, the thin layer of dust which covers some things in that room...and other things. But the thought that this was alright too, for a while... stays with me; see, I'm thinking that the grass and those other things should show the signs that something has changed, and changed profoundly...it could also be that it is an increase in my general laziness...but just as I have been unattended by her physical presence, and reflect that change in appearance and thought, it seems right to me that these other things might show the results of that un-attention also...it seems that's the way it should be...for a while...

It has been like that for me these past few weeks...small things like that adding to the general disorder that this time of the year is causing for me; last year this time we were watching DJ quietly slip away, the end was very near. Tho not crippled with pain like in those early days and weeks...I have to admit that despite my best efforts, I am feeling it; it is adding to the  overall feeling of sadness for me, with spikes in the general background flow from time to time...remembering that time. It was around this time last year it was suggested  that hospice should be contacted, DJ appeared to accept the notion with a few tears and a sigh, but I was terrified.  All the things I had been thinking about, and fearing, were starting to happen...DJ could barely get around, even with help and had taken to laying down most of the time. Her food intake had dropped dramatically; she still talked, but said very little without prompting. Altho we had ample medication on hand, she did not appear to be in much pain, and only requested it occasionally, I am grateful that she did not appear to be in a lot of discomfort. The close relatives had been contacted, and there was a parade of them in and out of our room...for a while. They would mostly occupy the daytime hours, with the kids being with her in the evenings. But it was the overnights that I am remembering the most, the very quiet times when it was just she and I, and I would be thinking as I watched her sleep. Sometimes she would awake at 2 or 3 a.m. with moments of amazing clarity, and we would talk...defining...assuring, finalizing...later, when she would fall back asleep, this is when I did most of my crying during this time last year, for a while...

By this time, all the things we could say to each other, had mostly been spoken, it was down to reassuring her of my presence and reminding her about the miracles we had enjoyed in our life, how we had really practiced some faith in our lives and how it was that, the faith, which was carrying us now, and would continue to carry us. A lot of the things she had wanted to do,had been done in the years since the diagnosis; visiting her sister who lives in another state...seeing 'Vegas...a grand birthday party for her the previous year...our low keyed 2011 celebration having just passed this time last year; the early Thanksgiving and Christmas...she and I reaffirming our love for one another and agreeing that we had raised some hell, three children and had enjoyed doing both, with few regrets; by now, all done with by this time last year...for me, thoughts about those things can put away, away from the forefront of my mind anyway...for a while. The past few weeks have been a curious time, with me, trying to contain my anxiety about the approach of a calendar year since the day DJ died. My efforts to try and not let all this cause me any more anguish have been marginally successful, tho I must admit to a deepened sense of the background sadness and to being a bit more weepy, and tho not crippling, I am lot more aware that something has changed, as I remain, unattended.  I imagine all this is natural, ha, normal if you will...and probably should be expected, for a while...

It is my honest belief that I have tried to use the past year well in dealing with DJ's death, following a lot of the suggestions offered here, and elsewhere, and for the most part having  reached a place of some peace and and at least a point, where the beginnings of acceptance has started to creep in. I understand the healing is not complete as I don't feel I will ever be totally healed, but most of what I set out to do, I have accomplished; to gain some understanding about the effects DJ's death had on me and our family, and to learn the things necessary for me to live forward, in a different life and away from that open window. Finding safe places for the memory of the life DJ and I shared has been the keystone in any mental stability I might display these days. By now I had expected to close these pages...be done with the remembering...the thinking and rethinking, the purging; and altho it has been rewarding and healing in many ways, I originally thought that by now, the exercise would have been performed enough; I have found it both revealing and exhausting. But these past few weeks have shown me that I may need to do more self examination, a little more placing of memories in those safe places, at least for a while...

My final image of DJ, lying on her lounger dressed in her fine black lounging outfit comes to me without the pain it once carried with it. The memory of me watching her leave our house for the last time, watching as they took her out into the early morning with that fine mist falling and me thinking,''...damn, even the sky is crying today, baby...'', does not force me to take to our bed and sob for hours on end. The thought of what the uncut grass, drooping plants, dis shoveled shoes all imply, and yes, even how only a few of the things she planted, managed to sprout this season, are still offering me lessons, and may mean there is more for me to understand. The question as to the why of all of this left me early on, I made some answers for myself on that point and I am comfortable with them today; putting them down here would serve no good purpose as they really may only make sense to me, but in this that's all they have to do...make sense to me. I am finding that many of the answers and solutions regarding this grieving has come down to that as far as I'm concerned, finding and keeping personal answers, many of which could never be explained to anyone else; and I think that's alright too, for a while... 

It is a curious place to arrive at...being alone after so many years of being with someone; adjusting to a new way of thinking, a new way of living. At this point in my own journey, I am thinking, all the questions, and many of the answers don't matter...it boils down to being left alone to plot the road for the different life ahead. Over the past months, because of all the thinking, all the remembering, I have been led to new ideas and ways of defining not only moving forward in the different life, but to new ideas about living at all. Before, with DJ, it always about the two of us, what was best for us; these days there is no longer a need to do that, but the exercise is no less demanding. It has taken time to become even somewhat stable in the basic day to day living, the simple acts of getting out of the bed, working, paying bills...even considering making the various family functions of a family which genuinely cares for me deeply, are all major decisions, long before any thoughts of just how and what one will do about looking further down the road of this different life. Often I am asked about things related to this grieving, for some reason there are folks who think I may have some answers, or maybe just a better approach to it all...I am not sure about this, I'm thinking many of the answers I've chosen to accept only apply to me; altho not really knowing, I still talk with them and express what I believe has helped me to get to any point of stability I might display; maybe it helps someone, then, good...even if, just for a while...

Now, with many of the why's and awhile's having been dealt with to some extent and reasonableness and sanity attempting to make a comeback in my everyday life, I'm finding myself quietly optimistic; that in the midst of all of this, the fact that I may have someone to consider as my secret keeper, is making all this a bit easier to come to terms with and accept, is a plus I had not counted on, but is welcomed nonetheless. This October 29th marks 41 years together for DJ and myself, having experienced the results of one ''forever'' already, cannot make me shy away from living this different life forward to the fullest extent, as what has happened in no way involved halves; an entire relationship was developed with DJ, a whole lifetime together was fought for, shared, cried about, prayed on, lied to, reborn and ultimately lived to it's conclusive forever, fully and complete. So there can be no lamentations of having lost half of me, or some notion that a better part of me is off somewhere, lost in the mysteries of the common idea of an afterlife; be that so-called half, better or worse. It is my belief that my different life requires all of me to be fully present and to participate, all in...to live it. For me that living means the doing of all the things as before, not necessarily in the same way, and definitely not in the same frame of mind; we are different now too, and the different life should reflect that, for a while...

The following week, the roving gardener returned and did a fine job of cutting my green and brown grass, he cleared a few small tree-like plants which had begun to take root...even used an edger. The front of the house looks a bit better and somewhat different now, I have moved some of those pairs of shoes, and have attempted to water that plant at least once every day; these things are now small parts of the new routine I'm trying to live. It should be noted that I do not relate all these things in some sad, wistful manner...this is being reported with quiet optimism and hope; what I'm trying to say is that I'm finding the way forward promising and filled with opportunity, the inner sun is shinning again and I'm finding myself dancing at strange times, and...enjoying it all. 

So we continue into the different life, not broken as I once feared, but, as I am finding, only slightly bowed, and then, only for a while...

for you DJ,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buPWg7OFwyI

tHe Diff

''Well you came and open me, And now there's so much more I see, And so by the way I thank you...
Mmmhmm thats what friends are for mmmmm yea..'' 

                        ('That's What Friends are For' -  1982 - as sung by Stevie Wonder)

A new profile pix for me, a different look for a while...it was taken during our meetup in Chicago earlier this year with new friends from WV*. When I mentioned to another friend recently that I was considering changing my pix, one from the meetup was suggested.  This particular one was chosen because, as I really looked at it, thinking about all that had happened with me since DJ died, before the meetup, during it, and beyond, the idea that this really spoke to the past year of my life came to mind. It was taken at a Chicago tourist attraction, a huge chrome sculpture of a ''Bean'', poised in the middle of a downtown park. One of my new friends from here, from another city had been constantly talking about it on WV and her idea was to visit it and I think it had become a serious fascination for her. Ideas about the visit were bounced around for a few months before hard plans were made, and finally, a group decided to meet there. It would be a first for me...meeting new folks, trying to connect with others after a few months of being alone, without DJ. Normally I don't meet folks easily, for so long I didn't feel the need to do so, I had DJ; but now, the idea of having new acquaintances is coming more naturally to me...in fact i'm finding it somewhat of a necessity. It is something I would not have thought while DJ was alive, that I would need, or want new friends. A group of us did meet there, at ''The Bean'', and we greeted and hugged those we had come to know virtually through the screens and the typed words of the online Village here. It was an odd sensation, meeting those with whom you have shared a most important life event with. Knowing some of the most personal emotions they have expressed regarding the loss of their partners and the circumstances surrounding that loss; and no doubt, at some point in the online back and forth, attempting to put a voice and face to the words we see typed there, and presented in our messages to one another...as we try to visualize them in real terms; then actually meeting and confirming, or being surprised by the reality of the people. 

For me it was all a bit intimidating; meeting folks for the first time, I decided to take my grand daughter along for cover and as a possible distraction; I make no bones about doing that, or saying so here, it's a fact. We all met there and for a few hours we shared and cared and had a meal together. We walked around ''The Bean'', marveling at it's chrome exterior, gleaming in the bright June sun...all of us enjoying the mirrored distortions it provided as we viewed it from different angles, and even from within it. As I now think about it, this entire event was a turning point for me, tho I did not fully realize it at the time. It had forced me into a normally, uncomfortable place, and had me doing what I knew I was not very good at, doing something different...meeting people. But the day was great! The people were all so friendly and they allowed me to better understand myself and the possibilities for the different life...odd that folks you never met before can have such an effect on you...maybe it's not so odd, just new to me. And, just as important, my friend got the opportunity to experience ''The Bean'', something she had really wanted to do...small victories...we take them anywhere we can make them in our attempts to move forward.
So I'll use this pix for a while, it really represents something I think which is true for me and in a way can symbolically express what I have tried to do in the past few months; look at myself, reflect on my life with DJ and try to reach for...something...anything...to make sense of it all...maybe even trying to hold up a small part of my own world, which at times appears to want to crash in on me; that I am displaying my version of a smile is for the camera, this was still a very painful time for me, but I think I was emerging; that only I am represented in the pix is a nod to the fact that this is how I am viewed now to the world at large, alone. The distortions to our lives offered by grief are not in any shape or form always as amusing as those generated by that shining mass of gently curved metal. There at any moment we could move, or shift our position and have our image in the shining chrome change with is, we cannot do this so easily with grief; here we have to deal with the distortions produced by the loss of our partners, and those which  grief introduces into our lives. Everything is affected...simple everyday tasks become monumental chores; seemingly innocent situations can become disaster zones, and dealing with ourselves and our memories can be a nightmare which can lead some of us to thoughts of the extreme. 
In a few weeks it will have been a full year since DJ died and in that year, as expected, there have been many changes in my life.  The basic day to day routine has changed, naturally, but also there has be a shift in my thought pattern and mental makeup.  Through words, actions and a great deal of self reflection, I have attempted to understand the full implications of DJ's demise for me and our family. But it has been mostly through the words that I have tried to layout and deal with the myriad of emotional displacements which have been produced by such an upheaval.  Recently a widow friend of mine mentioned that she was having somewhat of a rough spell...I offered some words of encouragement and quoted a couple of well accepted truisms popular in our circles; my friend thanked me and acknowledged the accuracy of what I was saying, but added ''...I know that's true Fred, but after a while they just sound like words to me. I'm trying to really live this different life and it's hard sometimes...''.  I offered no response, I understand by now that many times when we feel a certain way, we just want to talk, to share the points in our own journey that those individual distortions are making in our lives at any particular time. We just need to say it out loud and have someone who understands, hear it. Sometimes we just need to be heard. But I focused on what she had said; it is true, these are just words, accepting them and making them into the reality of our different life is the real challenge. As I thought about it, I was grateful for what my friend had said, it reminded me that after all the words are spoken, written, or thought of, after all the regular and well known phrases have been spoken, the actual living of the different life has to be put into effect. Making and accepting the real changes we each decide we need to make in order to move on is what really counts, and what will make a difference to us, basically, in the final analysis, talk can be cheap and words can come in bulk.
As the journey continues for me, I'm finding that what my friend said is very true, in a way they are just words...and over the past few months I have put out a few. The time now has come to see just how this is really translating into the new facts of this different life. The beginning may have been that first meetup earlier this year, after thinking I had to get to know others, if for no other reason than to avoid feeling that the loneliness was controlling every aspect of my life, not just the emptiness of the house. In line with this, finding that a different way of thinking could lead to better understanding of long held beliefs and ways of approaching the routine, everyday situations; this, producing a change in my behavior and my attitude. And for sure I am changed; today I realize I don't have to be right about everything, there's no need for me to try and have all the answers...the idea that I must have the last word in a given conversation has faded, and many things once thought to be important, are now found to command a lot less space in my mind. These days, for many of us, the term humility does not conjure up the sight of a bowed, hand wringing, helpless figure, barely able to face the world, but one which can appreciate their own strengths and recognize that all of us have areas of weakness and those  areas are nothing which should shame us. Today the word selfish can be viewed in a larger context to encompass those things we must do for ourselves and the attitudes we must adopt  in order to move forward in this different life; we come to understand that now, being without those who kept us number one in their lives, it is up to us to to be more vigilant in regards to our own well being. This is not to the exclusion of others, but more to the inclusion of ourselves, first.   Putting these new ideas into action is a part of the different life I am trying to honestly practice these days, not for any outside acclamation, but because as my friend says, otherwise, these are only words, and I'm finding that making real, tangible changes, has me feeling better overall and displaces some of the pain.
So, for a while, those here will view a different image of me on these pages, one without DJ there, although she remains constantly in the forefront of my own mind, I am viewed by many others as being alone. It's okay, it may be accurate to them from their view, what really matters to me is that it is a marker on this journey that I am moving, that I am recognizing the changes within and about myself. It is a sign to me that as I attempt to come to grips with this different life, I am making the perhaps small, but significant (to me anyways) adjustments needed to accommodate a different way of thinking and living. For me, issues of whether a solo pix is good or bad, or right or wrong do not come into play in this; it represents a fact of my life, and the passing of another signpost for me. Maybe it's just something I do for my own self to feel that movement is really occurring, maybe it's a small wink of the eye to myself about the true nature of the present situation, but with no tongue in cheek.
Whatever, I feel fine with it and I think that's what really counts, I may even be starting to become one of my own new friends.
   
*A grief support site

SameDifference

For those of us who have lost someone, our grief cannot become all that we are. I am not saying, "Do not grieve." Nor am I saying that it is wrong to let grief consume us for a time. But just as our loved one's life was about more than the illness that claimed them, our lives need to be about more than       their deaths and our grief. - (Unknown)

On a day in April some years ago, as I was riding a bus home from a VA facility  where I had been in treatment, I thought about some of the counseling and other ministrations which had taken place in the previous 30 days. I had been given information and tools which could help me avoid falling back into that bottle. A lot of the information was of the common sense type and fairly simple to implement, note, I say simple, not easy; the tools were mental exercises with some basic tenets of a program designed to assist me in avoiding a return to a life of helplessness and desperation...I would use both fairly effectively over the coming days, months and years to maintain a safe distance between myself and a return to the life in that bottle. I was embarking on an attempt at a different life.

There is nothing particularly special about the situation I had put myself in, other than it just happened to be me, bright boy Fred whom had come to this critical point in his life. There were no excuses to be made, no great catastrophe to blame things on, simply a matter of choices; I won't even say ''poor choices'', but they had been reckless. Thirty days previous, I had been semi estranged from DJ, away on another one of my drinking and working excursions; they allowed me stay on the various sites, and work and drink at my leisure and to be away from home, wallowing in booze and self pity. After a serious confrontation with my myself and my life, almost ending in my departure from this earthly realm, I somehow I managed to arrive at the desk of an intake clerk at a VA facility seeking admission. The nice young lady there had dutifully taken my information, smiling at me patronizingly as she appeared not to notice neither my haggard appearance, disheveled clothing or the shaking hands I displayed as I attempted to place my signature on various documents, I was in quite a state to say the least. After all of these formalities, she announced that a bed would be available...on Tuesday and I would be able to start treatment then...this was a Friday...I knew I'd never survive on the outside till then, not in the condition I was in, I had not put any cash in my pockets when I headed out, this was going to be a one way trip no matter how it played out. Now, I'm sure that intake clerk must have reveled in the story she related to those around her dinner table that evening; amusing them no doubt, as she spoke of that poor soul who had sprang from the chair he had been sitting in across from her, wailing and shouting, among other things, ''...NO! NO! NO!, YOU CANNOT SEND ME BACK OUT THERE!!...I'LL DIE!!!...'' how, sobbing, shouting and babbling he had fallen to the floor, clutching at her ankles and the edges of her uniform, and while thrashing about, demanded, pleaded and implored that someplace be found for him to offer some hope of relief. These were not mere theatrics on my part, in a moment of clarity I had become most serious, I understood my life was on the line and whatever was necessary to effect saving that life, had to be done. Later that day as I was laying on fresh sheets in a VA bed, I wondered what was ahead of me, just what would life be like now; this was the starting point of a different life for me and for our family at that time. I left there those thirty days later, having one task in the forefront of my mind, a simple one, but not a necessarily easy one; don't drink.

In relating that episode of my life here, I am attempting to describe, understand, and place in some perspective this notion of a different life as it relates to our grief. We who grieve hear much talk of it and come to truly  experience it on the most basic of levels, to many of us, after having enjoyed the fruits of a rich and close personal relationship with someone, it is a foreign idea, a notion so strange, we have difficulty adjusting to and accepting the concept, at least I am finding that to be true; a byproduct of the grief, it can seem an impossibility. In a way I have been fortunate in this respect, for when I first heard of it mentioned in the context of grief I could at least understand what the phrase implied. Just how much of a change, how deep that change will be is still being just understood by me, and tho the required adjustments to this different life are more involved, still, accepting change is at it's foundation. When DJ and I talked about this time, this time after her death, it was usually with her telling me some of her wishes for me, how she wanted it to be for me. Often I just listened, nodding, occasionally adding a word or two here and there; in my mind, I would be thinking about just how long after she departed, would I be making my own exit; I had already made up my mind that I did not want to live on without her, but saying that, putting it out there like that would only have added the the stresses she was already bearing, so I would listen and nod. She may have suspected this as sometimes she would remind me that our kids would need me, and that the grand children needed to have at least one grandparent...alive. Of course these things were of little concern to selfish Fred...here, I was only thinking of me...but, treatment had taken, I had not tasted alcohol for a long time by then, but I know that deep down in my mental depths, the basic self of Fredness is still here, dormant tho it may be; it was a reminder to me that I am not cured, only given a daily reprieve from myself, and that now, that self was being awakened by the impending death of DJ. I should point out here that from the day we were told of the diagnosis to the day she died, a period of almost four full years, taking a drink never entered my mind. The reasons may be complex, but the simple explanation is why I don't drink at all these days...I did not originally stop because of DJ...or the kids...or a job...my reason was completely selfish; to ease my own damn pain. Not wanting that specific brand of pain again, with or without DJ, keeps me and that activity apart at a safe distance. Thus the power of deep seated pain is once again revealed for me.

So, after her death, I faced the prospect of a different life again, this time understanding that there was no recourse thru bottles or other artificial means. This was reality, more, this was actuality, with masking remedies offering only false results for me and leaving the core issue still to be dealt with. Having some experience, I understood that for any real meaningful future, I would have to have a dedicated and honest approach to the challenges that this different life would offer. Of course it is only now that I can speak of these things in a studied, reflective tone, now some months later. In those early times, the days and weeks soon after DJ's death, this tone vied with selfish Fred for control of just what the future would be, if at all, (that open window was calling me)...well, as far as any control any of us might have over that future goes. Seeking understanding through grief counseling, and online solutions I have come to better understand this process of grief, but by no means having mastered it, I don't think anyone can, it is not something which can be dealt with in that way.  But that we will have a different life is the result of the fact that our loved ones are no longer part of the worldly environs. All those familiar and well known gestures, feelings, and physical highlights we knew so well, are no longer here...well, the feelings remain. Now, after those first instances of panic attacks, and powerful strikes of shock and disbelief, as we attempt to make some sense out of it all, as we try to understand how to move forward, I am attempting to honestly view and accept what is before me. As the last two lines of the quote at the beginning of this missive offers, as our loved ones lives are more than the sickness that took them, our living on, continuing in a different life should be more than having to be locked into the grief associated with their deaths. For me this means using the tools offered by counseling, such as dealing with the memories of our life together, all of them, and with the facts surrounding the death of DJ. It means trying to stay focused on ahead as the pain of sorrow and the weighty facts of realization set in and try to crowd out all reasonableness...trying to do all of this with the support of peers found by happenstance, but so valued all the same. There was no flailing on the floor of any lobby this time for all this to occur, I came quietly, limping, lost, almost unnoticed among the many who seek solace here; I am grateful for that and for this place.  

Having dealt with the realities of a different life once before, still, only barely prepares me for this task; the circumstances are far more different tho the core values at stake are quite similar, as things such as the quality of my life and such is on the line. The mental work necessary can be taxing, but it is necessary, there is no way around it. Sorting memories, reviewing past behavior and events, reliving last moments, are all become part of this life now; for me, having safe places for all of these is essential. But I am finding that these things can be done, and that some peace can be attained, altho how much of this is actually the results of my efforts, or are merely a function of time is still in question, it really doesn't matter; the fact is, it is happening. I know DJ would not want me to make this life all about her dying, it is more likely she would appreciate that I want to integrate the entire experience of our life into what has become my different life, now. Recently, my oldest daughter asked me ''...Dad, how are you really doing...'', she fusses over me a bit, and I love her dearly, knowing I can only barely, really explain my feelings to her, I answered that I had just about come to terms with the background sadness, and the absence of DJ's presence, that the days of sheer panic and disbelief which caused so much pain early on were coming further apart but were just as intense when they did strike. Thoughts of the many what if's have been processed and for the most part have been put to rest. There was no point in attempting to describe the hollowness which the loneliness causes me to feel at times, it is such a personal and deep seated feeling that I don't think any attempt would do it justice; I know peers understand exactly what I would say, but not others I fear. Tho struggling with her own attempts to come to terms with what has happened, she takes the time to ask, often; I am seeing her and the other two children in a different light also. We all are different now.

Altho similar to my first experience with a different life scenario, this one is set in an entirely other context, in that it was not sought, but forced upon me. But the point of the exercise is about the same, to continue life with a new design for living; through the trials, past the setbacks, and above the pain and the sorrow, and especially, with the memories, to continue to live, not so much as a testament to our deceased loved ones, or even to ourselves, but to the idea of life and our responsibility to live it to it's fullest, despite all obstacles to the contrary. This is not to imply that this is an easy task, it may well not be, but again, it is a simple one. Live. It is said that we are what we dare to risk in living, and I am coming to believe that.

So we try to move forward, day by day, one step at a time in the different life, not forgetting our past memories, but weaving them into the fabric that is becoming our garment to wear now. We try to accept the things we cannot change and find new meanings for the old ideas; we make the herculean effort to integrate the memories and to believe there is some rhyme and reason to all of this on a landscape as barren as any moon, in any galaxy, anywhere, which is presented to us when we lose that special person; for me, that has come to mean, live the different life, but with no less enthusiasm than that shared with DJ. The one thing I have come to believe is that I cannot live this different life for DJ; I can attempt to live it with her memory right along with me, but this life has to lived for me. The things required to be done will do nothing for her, she has been taken care of; I am finding that changes in routines, different approaches to the various situations of life now, require me to think and make decisions based on what is actually needed for me to survive. This is not something we so much wanted, but it is what we have. The sun still rises and the rain continues to fall on the just and unjust alike...

It is my hope that we all can approach the different life with the notion that life is for living, without so much pain, without so much looking over our shoulders, and for sure, without so much fear of what is to come. For me, the challenge is to keep the memory of DJ right along side of me as I attempt to move forward, finding those safe places for past events which allows me to understand that my life tho different, is not over...not quite yet and I have to live it. Again, a seemingly simple task, to live it, but not necessarily an easy one.

    

Sees Ons

''...Mr. Bojangles...Mr. Bojangles...DANCE!''

(Lyrics by Jeff Walker-1968, as sung by Sammy Davis Jr.)

The official date for the start of Autumn this year has come and gone, I only know this because I heard it mentioned on the radio; it was this time of the year, last year that the end was nearing for DJ, and major adjustments had been made around our house. DJ was hardly able to get around now without the aid of a cane, and soon she would be confined to using a wheelchair. She was sleeping more, without medication and her reports of major pain were minimal... but I was in a state of panic.  Understanding what was happening did not help, trying to be grateful for the almost four previous years of much active living for us, was of little consolation to me now; DJ was on the final leg of her journey through this life and I was operating in a daze. Naturally it was a sad time for the entire family, with everyone making adjustments in their schedules to spend as much time as they could with her. Few outside of the immediate 6 or 8 core family members knew just how dire the situation actually was...DJ had wanted it that way, and that's how it stood. During this time I worked a few hours starting early in the morning, at 5 or 6 am, and was usually back at the house just as she was rousing, around 11 a.m. or so. That was the routine last year this time as both summer and DJ approached their respective ends...

As I mentioned before, I only know autumn has officially begun this year because of hearing it, tracking time and dates has not been high on my list of things to do as I have purposely avoided doing that...not wanting to become a slave to the anxiety caused by the passing dates of certain events or special days in the lives of our partners. But, nonetheless, the seasons continue to change; as I think about this, I relate it to how this can be associated with the internal seasons my mind has gone through. It started with Winter...this time last year may have been the ending of summer, heading to autumn in the country at large, but I see it as the last days of a personal winter which had begun almost four years earlier. I think that is when I started trying to grieve, tho I did not know it at the time. During that time DJ had been active and we had enjoyed many good times, hardly noticing the chill that the illness had created in our lives. At times during that long winter, at various points, I would take note of the climate which surrounded us; watching her enjoy a meal maybe and thinking how I would miss these times together...or seeing her interact at a family gathering and wondering how different those times would be without her...But last year this time I was feeling the full gusts of a bone penetrating winter's blow. As DJ continued to decline so did the milder days of my person winter, with each task I needed to perform becoming more difficult for me to complete as the cold, frosty reality set in; I was in a constant worry about DJ, about our family, and about myself.  I steeled myself for the eventual outcome, but no amount of thinking about, planning for or imagining how, can prepare one for the death of their spouse. As the time for fall ended throughout the country at large, so did time for DJ, and my winter turned hellish. In those early dark days, when the coldness of shock and disbelief was at it's deepest and the chilling effects of realization and panic set in, I had little hope that I would feel the warmth of truly living again.

Time moved on alright, it only appeared to sometimes stand still for me, when, with the days after all the formalities were completed, and the house  once again quiet, I was forced to confront the realities of of my new situation alone. This personal winter brought all manner of

inclement weather to the climate of my mind; early on, after having thought I had gathered every single one of DJ's shoes during the week after the services, and having boxed, stacked, and left them for the girls to review, I was devastated by a blizzard of  emotion when, while looking for coin which I had dropped and which had rolled under our bed, I found a single flip-flop under there; (moved only slightly for a better picture here) it, looking as isolated and lonely as I felt...the coin forgotten, I laid right there on that floor and cried...cried for all I was worth as wave after wave of reality slammed into me and the raw fact of what had happened stood alone, as alone as that shoe, stark, without accessory, singularly echoing to me the mind numbing fact, and shouting Yes! Yes! Yes!, it really did happen; answering for me for the question which had become part of my life by then, many times stopping me, mid stride through the house as I would look around and say to myself,  '...did that shit really happen..??...' , my personal winter continued.

As time moved on, so did I, through both the actual winter and the one raging in my mind. It must be said tho, that time in my winter did not parallel that of the one nature imposed, not moment for moment...as I struggled to come to terms with what had happened, in the journey through both grief and the winter, time became skewed for me, with me moving through my own season ahead of nature's. Each day, understanding more about the process brought me closer and closer to what might be called my spring, the springtime of my mind; with me deciding to try and give living on a sincere effort; and my gaining more knowledge of myself, and how DJ's death was really affecting me, and the family, made up that time. Learning that it was not so odd to have kept that chocolate frozen smoothie DJ had asked for on one of her last days, and only half finished; unable to throw it out, for no good reason I could think of...coming to terms in the warming time inside my head when finding out, by research and joining a grief groups, that some of the many thoughts I was having were not crazy, and tho always having been a bit off, I was  not totally losing my mind...not just yet anyway; that the picture and candle I keep on the small table by the bed is o.k., I wasn't destined to be creating a shrine to some imaginary DJ, faultless, unerring, perfect, that doing these types of things were viewed as, normal, ha! 

While going through the walk-in closet DJ and I had built for her in the basement, our daughters and I shared memories and tears while we gathered the items DJ would no longer need. By this time I was well into my personal springtime and tho still difficult, life was a least becoming more tolerable, and thoughts of going out that open window were subsiding. We handled the various things, purses, coats, dresses and the like, with the girls deciding which things they wanted and the others which were to be donated. During my numerous trips up and down the steps, I would have to pass the area which had been set up for DJ to style hair; early on I had noticed a pair of her Reeboks sitting by the base of the salon chair...I had put them there the last time DJ was in the basement; her feet had been swollen at that time, and she had needed her house shoes that day. Previously, I could barely stand to look at them as I passed by that area, thoughts of moving them never occurred to me during this period, they didn't appear to be in the way. Now I could look at them without having those stabbing pains, and eventually came to expect them to be there, but I was always a bit surprised when I found them there, tho I have no idea why, there's no one else here who would move them...

That internal spring continued, offering the blossoming of much  understanding and exposing me to the budding idea that yes, this was possible, there just might be a way to live on and really want to. As with natures springtime, mine offered time for a thorough cleaning; the disposing of long held notions of life and  living...washing the many memories in the light of fresh examination and renewed attempts at understanding, and the dusting off and inspecting of long held ideas about my own old life and the possible future I might have in this different one. As I say, nature's time and my own were not quite in step then, the seasons of my mind moved a bit more quickly it appears, at least at times and as the journey progressed, so did the changing seasons in my mind; yes, this time not just moved on, but progressed. With better understanding, I was able to become a bit more calmer, and not be as frightened, the panic and fear of living on eased a bit more day by day. I could now drive DJ's car and not have the adventure end with me sitting in front of the house, windows rolled up and me, screaming at the top of my lungs...at one time, for a while there, for some reason I needed to actually hear the pain and agony of my own voice. 

By the time Mother Nature had decided it was her moment for spring to begin, my own mind was well into it's summer, a summer which altho had started with some uncertain and cool days, soon became filled with ideas of succeeding in the warmth of this different life. Safe places were being found for the memory of DJ, our life together, and finally, even for her illness and death. The journey is not easy, we all know that, with each of us having  to contend with our own special hells to live through it if we are to gain some measure of acceptance about our individual plights. That internal summer brought many more things with it along with those mentioned above; ideas concerning that open window changed from thoughts of going through it, to not only closing it, but to actually cleaning the glass as I stood there...better to see the coming weather. 

The journey is not over and this is not a declaration that such is the case; this, like some of the other postings before, is more of a report on what I think is the state of my own trek at this point...that in this summer of my mind came the first glimmer of acceptance has been stated before, and with that small hint of light the ability to actually enjoy the sunshine of summer, any summer, anywhere. There are certain things that require the sun, things which must have it's warmth and light; I'm finding that I believe I too must have this sun; I now want that sunlight which I believe is so necessary in order for me to continue to live in this different life.

Not only that, I'm finding that the season of my mind is once again almost in sync with that of nature's own; altho I think I'm in the last days of both summers, the desire, ability and opportunity to dance in the warmth of their respective suns is still so overwhelming, even better is the prospect that I may not be dancing alone. Dancing shoes have been brushed off and willing toes have been forewarned...there will be dancing in the sun, a reprieve from the rigors of grieving is at hand I feel...at least for a while. Tho there is still a ways to go, the journey, the trek and the dancing is becoming much easier. There are still clouds to fret over and storms to endure, but the problem of loneliness, that most persistent and totally devastating side effect of DJ's death, for the time being, is starting to be addressed, bringing some peace. Knowing that the waves of grief will continue, that there will be the up and down days of the roller coaster cannot be an obstacle to trying to live and enjoy in this different life; trying to decide which shoes to wear for dancing, black and white or blue suede is a much more enjoyable task.

ReKnew

"Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right..."
('Here Comes the Sun' The Beatles - 1969)

Having first sensed the faint rays from the light of acceptance a month or so ago, I have since, dared to venture into the full glare of the sunshine of life once again. It is refreshing to feel the warmth of the many beams it provides. For sure it is a far cry from the dark places grief can lead us, altho there are some areas even this sunshine has a difficult time affecting. That this would ever happen for me has been in doubt at various times along this journey. It is definitely something that was difficult to envision in the early times after that long day and night in November 2011, the time that DJ died. In those times, the sheer weight of what had taken place was so overwhelming. Somehow we managed to do the necessities, make the best decisions, attempt to honor her last wishes which were modest, to say the least; a request that me and our children say something special we remembered about her, have white official cars, and to have her driven by our house one last time. These things were done, all but me speaking; I decided not to, not for fear of losing control of my emotions, but because there were so many things which I remembered that were special, that I decided to offer a suitable passage, related to something only her and I are aware of, placed in the obituary, a few lines from Ecclesiastes 3:1, normally ascribed to King Solomon, as found in the King James Version (1611) of the Bible. It spoke for me and said exactly how i was trying to view the entire circumstance.  

The time after those traditional services and all the associated formalities were, internally, a  turbulent one; the early throes of grief finding me and dealing powerful blows of shock, disbelief, unimaginable heartache and the most devastating of all senses of loneliness and abandonment. I struggled to gain some direction, some understanding of just where the hell I was...then, that soon after, it was a losing battle as I often ended up burying my head in a pillow and crying. At first, I was in a panic, being only able to recall those last few days of DJ's life...that time when as I watched, she appeared to be sleeping peacefully, but then awake and in an barely audible tone say my name...with me being there all along, whispering halting words of assurance and encouragement. Later as DJ began to fully return to my memory, and I was able to at least understand that the process of grief had to be dealt with, I began attempts to see just what was to be done. In my first early attempts, I signed up for grief counseling sessions and even went to a one to one encounter............once. This helped some, but something was lacking and I could not identify it. As I would come to find, it was not a single definitive thing, but a combination of many, seemingly disassociated things. But I realized it started with the obvious; missing her physical presence, and that leading me to understand that with that, was lacking that deep emotional bond we had enjoyed, that personal intimacy.

That I missed her physical presence was obvious to me at once, naturally, bringing with that understanding of missing her, the thoughts regarding the loss of that physical contact and the intimacy we shared. I recall how in the first weeks after, my eyes had been drawn to females, any females, how my reaction to DJ's absence had caused all manner of a heightened sense of physical longing ...or maybe it was just pure lust. How, during this time I struggled with feelings of doubt about being alone for the rest of whatever time I have, and even tinges of guilt about even thinking about being with someone else. Soon, I realized that I would have to find a safe place in my mind for the memories of DJ, or I would not survive this loss. This realization began as a mere hint, but as the totality of all the ramifications associated with it became clearer, the full impact struck, and I was left floundering; of all the things I thought I knew, I knew for sure, at that point that I had no immediate answer for this notion of regaining, or even considering being with someone else; and truly did not understand the true implications of all that is involved with the idea of this new loneliness, which imposed itself upon me. At about one month, in an effort to address this I began going to church with my daughter and eventually considered the local Amen Corner...there was a  widows group there and perhaps...  I went to the local library and found there was a local widowed persons group there, I joined it and met with them on the Thursday of each week.  Both attempts were disappointing, but only because I was unprepared I believe; I had not started to actively grieve, not yet; but also, I was attempting to wrap all my concerns, doubt, fears and bewilderment into one neat package and deal with it all it once, I failed miserably.

During some of our more serious talks, DJ had insisted that I find someone to be with and to ''take care of me''; I let her say what she needed to and I responded with ''...how can I be with someone else after having had the best?...'' ...it was not an evasion, that was what I actually thought, and still think.  Now that I feel fully open to the idea of having someone else in my life, I think about those words and how they square with my current feelings about this different life.  I imagine I could play mind games with semantics to try and justify them, but I don't believe that is necessary. Actually those words were valid then and are now, all on their own; and as I re-read the words, I realized that it is a question and not a declaration. How do any of us move forward with the idea of another person in our lives after having  had such deep and rewarding personal relationships, forged over time and common experience? I'm sure it's a question we all face at one point or another, with the way we deal with it varying for each of us. Finding a glimmer of acceptance has required that I try and face this in the same manner I have tried to face the other challenges of grief, with honesty, open-ness and willing-ness the difference being that for me, this is the hardest because it deals with what I believe is the greatest thing for any of us to overcome, that damn loneliness.  We find it is more than missing physical human contact; it is deeper than that. Tho no doubt we enjoyed the experience of that contact with our partners, what really is apparent is that there is a much deeper connection...intimacy is as good a word as any to describe for me.  Having known it, or at least our version of it, I was desperate to have it once again, but without a clue as to how to achieve that. Having failed in those early attempts, I sat it aside and continued to deal with issues about which I felt I could have some degree of more immediate success.  So, after the months of examining memories, exploring the many feelings associated with our lives together, thinking over about, being weighed under by, and looking into the face of some of the real truths of that life together...and of course, myself, I arrive back to the question of being alone.   

Being fortunate that my early rush to address this did not lead me to rush to the local red light district, but only to the  conclusion that some in the Amen corner were high maintenance, and definitely out of my district, and most of the candidates of the Thursday meetings were a bit too cerebral for me, I am now trying to understand the frame work necessary for me to honestly approach and define for myself just how to deal with the challenge of meeting someone and seeing just how, what needs to develop for this to happen...actually does...I am confident that it is something I am interested in, how this all plays out may well be another story indeed. Starting with the notion that someone may actually give me the opportunity to see just how well I am, just how much of this acceptance I have really acheived. Again, we shall see.

For now I can only operate from the point of things I do know: having tried it over the last 11 months, I do know I do not like being alone; I know that the sense of early desperation can lead to false starts and to mental injury to both parties involved if one is not careful. It is important that I keep in mind that I am finding this almost an essential part of me as it probably is for most humans, this need to be with someone, to share with another. Of course there are those who can accommodate themselves to not having that close relationship again, I realize that I am not one of them; I know I have to deal with that reality honestly. I know that I have to recognize my limits in this area and proceed with caution, I have very little experience at this and the pitfalls are many. Age,monetary circumstance, and locations can present issues and have to be given all due consideration; but of all things, I know I must stay abreast of my mental bearings, no pun intended. This exercise will have to exist right along with my memories of DJ and all we had, whatever feelings I develop, whatever ideas I may have about how things should happen, going forward, it all will have to live comfortably in my mind with DJ and my entire life experience up to that point. For my own self, it will be interesting to see what adjustments have to be made and just how truly willing I am to make them.

I do not perceive this entire area of the process as any particularly good or bad item, merely another one of the  many things that come to the fore as we travel through grief. The enormity of it, or lack thereof, appears to be left totally up to us, individually; just how much, if at all, are we willing to seek, and how much of an investment are we really prepared to make. For me, understanding that the loneliness has turned out to be the most difficult thing to adjust to has led me to the above conclusions.  Matters of comparisons and replacement are foremost in my mind, ideas about ego, self esteem and true self integrity are being exaimined with all the frankness I can muster.  It is understood by me that these are some of the most common barriers to solving the issue of loneliness and coming to once again enjoy a truly intimate relationship. Of course there are fears and doubts; it is human nature. My challenge is to not let them overshadow any honest approaches to the matter and to not sabotage my own efforts.

The sunshine of acceptance is indeed a fine thing, it is the goal I think we are all striving for...to once again feel the warming rays of life and the heat of passion from really living. To me, these things are good, and I want them, I feel I need them, but I also am finding that as much as I enjoy frolicking in this invigorating atmosphere and enjoying all the benefits it offers, I have no desire to dance in the sunshine alone. I may have company...signals have been exchanged, I have duly acknowledged them and replied in kind. As with the spring warmth which causes all manner of nature to erupt in renewal and growth, so the first rays of acceptance has prepared me to be open to the reception of such signals, and at least, feel comfortable in being able to intelligently respond. That this should be another widowed person comes as no surprise to me, some time ago, I determined that for me, any chances of success in this area would probably be with some who has experienced the deep sting of close personal loss. Now, where this will all lead is yet to be determined, but the first steps have been taken; years ago I read something that appears to be quite appropriate here, it stated simply, '' ...Success occurs when preparation greets opportunity...'' .  Well, I have earnestly attempted to use the past months in an attempt to prepare for this different life, of that I am certain; I think I have been able to meet the opportunity to deal with difficult memories, the shortcomings I brought to the relationship with DJ, the true scope of my limits in many areas I once considered myself well versed in, and the notion that there could be a replacement for DJ, with all the honesty I could muster. I understand that this too, may be a false start, but at least at this point, I feel better equipped to deal with the many factors involved. That this may be too late or to soon is a concern for others, not me; some years ago, I was told it was too soon for DJ and I to be married, 40 years later as I sat, watching her die, I was able to be grateful for every day of those years and was glad I had treated such insinuations with the disdain I felt they merited..

So, the process continues, dealing with the ups and downs of grieving goes on...merely because I have gained some degree of acceptance and have decided that standing in the full glare of the sun with someone is where I want to be, does not erase the overall background sadness that pervades my life.  It is a good thing that this sadness has a muted tone and it does allow me to focus on what is ahead in this different life. For me this has been one of the main points of my entire approach to this journey; to arrive at a place where the memory of DJ did not cause such deep pain, and that safe places could be found for her memory and that the memory of our life together which can be constantly celebrated in my mind, at a moment's notice and bring some joy instead of sorrow. 

To me, it comes down to this; tho I will continue to grieve, I understand that I cannot live in a life filled with the constant pain of sad memories and events. My endeavor to find safe places for these things are my attempts to allow for moving forward in a different life. Hopefully my current sense of moderate peace will continue and at some point I will feel the full warmth of the sunshine of acceptance and dance unfettered by so much fear, uncertainty and doubt.

If good fortune continues, I won't be dancing alone.