Sees Ons

''...Mr. Bojangles...Mr. Bojangles...DANCE!''

(Lyrics by Jeff Walker-1968, as sung by Sammy Davis Jr.)

The official date for the start of Autumn this year has come and gone, I only know this because I heard it mentioned on the radio; it was this time of the year, last year that the end was nearing for DJ, and major adjustments had been made around our house. DJ was hardly able to get around now without the aid of a cane, and soon she would be confined to using a wheelchair. She was sleeping more, without medication and her reports of major pain were minimal... but I was in a state of panic.  Understanding what was happening did not help, trying to be grateful for the almost four previous years of much active living for us, was of little consolation to me now; DJ was on the final leg of her journey through this life and I was operating in a daze. Naturally it was a sad time for the entire family, with everyone making adjustments in their schedules to spend as much time as they could with her. Few outside of the immediate 6 or 8 core family members knew just how dire the situation actually was...DJ had wanted it that way, and that's how it stood. During this time I worked a few hours starting early in the morning, at 5 or 6 am, and was usually back at the house just as she was rousing, around 11 a.m. or so. That was the routine last year this time as both summer and DJ approached their respective ends...

As I mentioned before, I only know autumn has officially begun this year because of hearing it, tracking time and dates has not been high on my list of things to do as I have purposely avoided doing that...not wanting to become a slave to the anxiety caused by the passing dates of certain events or special days in the lives of our partners. But, nonetheless, the seasons continue to change; as I think about this, I relate it to how this can be associated with the internal seasons my mind has gone through. It started with Winter...this time last year may have been the ending of summer, heading to autumn in the country at large, but I see it as the last days of a personal winter which had begun almost four years earlier. I think that is when I started trying to grieve, tho I did not know it at the time. During that time DJ had been active and we had enjoyed many good times, hardly noticing the chill that the illness had created in our lives. At times during that long winter, at various points, I would take note of the climate which surrounded us; watching her enjoy a meal maybe and thinking how I would miss these times together...or seeing her interact at a family gathering and wondering how different those times would be without her...But last year this time I was feeling the full gusts of a bone penetrating winter's blow. As DJ continued to decline so did the milder days of my person winter, with each task I needed to perform becoming more difficult for me to complete as the cold, frosty reality set in; I was in a constant worry about DJ, about our family, and about myself.  I steeled myself for the eventual outcome, but no amount of thinking about, planning for or imagining how, can prepare one for the death of their spouse. As the time for fall ended throughout the country at large, so did time for DJ, and my winter turned hellish. In those early dark days, when the coldness of shock and disbelief was at it's deepest and the chilling effects of realization and panic set in, I had little hope that I would feel the warmth of truly living again.

Time moved on alright, it only appeared to sometimes stand still for me, when, with the days after all the formalities were completed, and the house  once again quiet, I was forced to confront the realities of of my new situation alone. This personal winter brought all manner of

inclement weather to the climate of my mind; early on, after having thought I had gathered every single one of DJ's shoes during the week after the services, and having boxed, stacked, and left them for the girls to review, I was devastated by a blizzard of  emotion when, while looking for coin which I had dropped and which had rolled under our bed, I found a single flip-flop under there; (moved only slightly for a better picture here) it, looking as isolated and lonely as I felt...the coin forgotten, I laid right there on that floor and cried...cried for all I was worth as wave after wave of reality slammed into me and the raw fact of what had happened stood alone, as alone as that shoe, stark, without accessory, singularly echoing to me the mind numbing fact, and shouting Yes! Yes! Yes!, it really did happen; answering for me for the question which had become part of my life by then, many times stopping me, mid stride through the house as I would look around and say to myself,  '...did that shit really happen..??...' , my personal winter continued.

As time moved on, so did I, through both the actual winter and the one raging in my mind. It must be said tho, that time in my winter did not parallel that of the one nature imposed, not moment for moment...as I struggled to come to terms with what had happened, in the journey through both grief and the winter, time became skewed for me, with me moving through my own season ahead of nature's. Each day, understanding more about the process brought me closer and closer to what might be called my spring, the springtime of my mind; with me deciding to try and give living on a sincere effort; and my gaining more knowledge of myself, and how DJ's death was really affecting me, and the family, made up that time. Learning that it was not so odd to have kept that chocolate frozen smoothie DJ had asked for on one of her last days, and only half finished; unable to throw it out, for no good reason I could think of...coming to terms in the warming time inside my head when finding out, by research and joining a grief groups, that some of the many thoughts I was having were not crazy, and tho always having been a bit off, I was  not totally losing my mind...not just yet anyway; that the picture and candle I keep on the small table by the bed is o.k., I wasn't destined to be creating a shrine to some imaginary DJ, faultless, unerring, perfect, that doing these types of things were viewed as, normal, ha! 

While going through the walk-in closet DJ and I had built for her in the basement, our daughters and I shared memories and tears while we gathered the items DJ would no longer need. By this time I was well into my personal springtime and tho still difficult, life was a least becoming more tolerable, and thoughts of going out that open window were subsiding. We handled the various things, purses, coats, dresses and the like, with the girls deciding which things they wanted and the others which were to be donated. During my numerous trips up and down the steps, I would have to pass the area which had been set up for DJ to style hair; early on I had noticed a pair of her Reeboks sitting by the base of the salon chair...I had put them there the last time DJ was in the basement; her feet had been swollen at that time, and she had needed her house shoes that day. Previously, I could barely stand to look at them as I passed by that area, thoughts of moving them never occurred to me during this period, they didn't appear to be in the way. Now I could look at them without having those stabbing pains, and eventually came to expect them to be there, but I was always a bit surprised when I found them there, tho I have no idea why, there's no one else here who would move them...

That internal spring continued, offering the blossoming of much  understanding and exposing me to the budding idea that yes, this was possible, there just might be a way to live on and really want to. As with natures springtime, mine offered time for a thorough cleaning; the disposing of long held notions of life and  living...washing the many memories in the light of fresh examination and renewed attempts at understanding, and the dusting off and inspecting of long held ideas about my own old life and the possible future I might have in this different one. As I say, nature's time and my own were not quite in step then, the seasons of my mind moved a bit more quickly it appears, at least at times and as the journey progressed, so did the changing seasons in my mind; yes, this time not just moved on, but progressed. With better understanding, I was able to become a bit more calmer, and not be as frightened, the panic and fear of living on eased a bit more day by day. I could now drive DJ's car and not have the adventure end with me sitting in front of the house, windows rolled up and me, screaming at the top of my lungs...at one time, for a while there, for some reason I needed to actually hear the pain and agony of my own voice. 

By the time Mother Nature had decided it was her moment for spring to begin, my own mind was well into it's summer, a summer which altho had started with some uncertain and cool days, soon became filled with ideas of succeeding in the warmth of this different life. Safe places were being found for the memory of DJ, our life together, and finally, even for her illness and death. The journey is not easy, we all know that, with each of us having  to contend with our own special hells to live through it if we are to gain some measure of acceptance about our individual plights. That internal summer brought many more things with it along with those mentioned above; ideas concerning that open window changed from thoughts of going through it, to not only closing it, but to actually cleaning the glass as I stood there...better to see the coming weather. 

The journey is not over and this is not a declaration that such is the case; this, like some of the other postings before, is more of a report on what I think is the state of my own trek at this point...that in this summer of my mind came the first glimmer of acceptance has been stated before, and with that small hint of light the ability to actually enjoy the sunshine of summer, any summer, anywhere. There are certain things that require the sun, things which must have it's warmth and light; I'm finding that I believe I too must have this sun; I now want that sunlight which I believe is so necessary in order for me to continue to live in this different life.

Not only that, I'm finding that the season of my mind is once again almost in sync with that of nature's own; altho I think I'm in the last days of both summers, the desire, ability and opportunity to dance in the warmth of their respective suns is still so overwhelming, even better is the prospect that I may not be dancing alone. Dancing shoes have been brushed off and willing toes have been forewarned...there will be dancing in the sun, a reprieve from the rigors of grieving is at hand I feel...at least for a while. Tho there is still a ways to go, the journey, the trek and the dancing is becoming much easier. There are still clouds to fret over and storms to endure, but the problem of loneliness, that most persistent and totally devastating side effect of DJ's death, for the time being, is starting to be addressed, bringing some peace. Knowing that the waves of grief will continue, that there will be the up and down days of the roller coaster cannot be an obstacle to trying to live and enjoy in this different life; trying to decide which shoes to wear for dancing, black and white or blue suede is a much more enjoyable task.