thIS Order

“There comes a moment

In grief

Where the focus shifts

When we start

remembering their life

Before recalling their death”

TheGriefToolbox.com

As the year of hard realization takes it’s place alongside the other things that are the facts of the different life for me today, I am finding that the quote above is proving to be quite accurate. With the distancing of those final moments and the memories of that time, I cannot say they are fading, but their negative impact on my mind has lessened. Of course all the elements are still there and are never far from the front of my immediate thinking, but they have become familiar, a group of specific memories which swirl around in my mind constantly with the millions of others, but holding a special niche and bringing special pain at times. But, as I am finding, that is as it should be, so we press on, attempting to thrive in the different life. These days, for me at least, it is true that I can think of our life before DJ’s death, first, more often than not, and that is probably what has helped with the diminishing of the pain. It would be an injustice, I think, to try and attach labels such as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about this occurrence, and would dilute the special-ness of all that we shared if I attempted to do this; so they just, are.

There is probably a description, maybe more than one for this effect, this scenario of our starting to recall more of the living or our partners than their deaths, but I haven’t bothered to seek it out, to me, descriptions regarding our grief only go so far in helping and I’d rather spend the time and energy trying to understand and maybe relate how what is happening has and is currently affecting me. Noticing this before I came across this quote, I had  not put much thought into it; after coming across the words, I began to relate it to what I had began to see happening with my own thoughts this year. It is interesting to me that our minds might work in this manner, responding to the shock and pain of the grief by presenting us not only with the ability to feel and absorb the full impact of what has occurred, but allowing, almost forcing us to do so over a given period, it won’t be rushed, with each person’s rate of full absorption being as unique as each of our personal individual experiences are. One more thread to weave into our pattern for future living, and a nod to the vagaries of the human condition.

My mind, at first sending me to the depths the situation demanded with no clear indication that a return was possible; next, forcing me to wallow there amid the then, mostly painful memories of DJ’s death and the life she and I shared, knowing that it would never be again and bringing me to the point of self destruction. Being uninitiated, fear, terror and an anger I did not recognize then, reigned supreme for a good period while I struggled to try to get a handhold on the reality which will be mine for the duration. The fear and terror was managed with only a few setbacks; admitting to and dealing with the anger proved to be a somewhat more taxing effort. At first I felt I wasn’t angry, trying to place things in the confines of logic, I reasoned that I knew the mere act of living indicated that death was inevitable, so why be angry. Being able to dupe myself into thinking this I went along, wallowing in the grief and thinking of me as doing all those things necessary to effectively process what had happened. But the more I thought about the anger aspect and how I knew that for me, at one time, being able to get angry and sustain a resentment about something for quite some time, was not unusual. I realized that my own ‘anger’ about things was really that of being angry at having absolutely nothing to be angry with. Was I to be angry with DJ’s colon? Maybe the ER Dr. who gave us the first indication…maybe at myself, for that time, before, when DJ said she thought she should go see a doctor and I said ‘tomorrow’; perhaps I could be angry with the Chemo medicine for not curing her, but then again, I do think it extended her life. Certainly not upset with the doctor who treated DJ throughout the illness…the doctor to whom at our very first meeting I told if she was not going to tell it all, straight, to let us know right then and we would find one who would…and she did tell it, laser straight. Even to the last visit when she informed DJ and me that the Chemo course had been ran…twice and there was no more to be done. Angry at my Higher Power…that one whom had relieved me of my obsession with booze and made an enjoyable life with DJ and the children and other family possible. Angry at life perhaps for having this as the final act of its play, altho the majority of the scenes our family had through the years were spectacular…no, anger at life wasn’t possible. So for the most part, I am trying to let go of the entire notion of any anger associated with DJ’s death. It is not easy.

Like most of us, I am no stranger to anger both my own and that of others and I understand my own response to it well; being frustrated at not being able to place that anger somewhere is understandable, at least to me. I am reminded of an incident which took place soon after I joined the official workforce, I was fourteen and working at a car wash my dad managed, the first ‘automatic’ one in a local suburb; altho it was called automatic, there were still men in rain suits brushing the cars down in the midst of the spraying water and moving roller brushes. My duties were to maintain order in the gas pump area where the cars lined up and to pump gas. This car wash was part of a filling station and had at least 5 graded aprons leading into  it, three of those led to the pumps reserved for those getting a carwash, and at that point, three lines of cars became two, one on either side of the pump. Most times it was orderly with the three lines merging into the two…the customers self policing themselves in understanding just who was next. Every now and then someone would get impatient and make an improper move…I would watch as the shouting would occur, but usually it was sorted out. Now, I had been given a tall traffic cone to place in front of cars if necessary as they merged, I could easily remember who should be next as they approached the pump. On one occasion a customer must have I thought I made an error as he actually knocked the cone over in an attempt to be next in line for gas…I stepped up on the concrete platform to which the pumps were secured and watched, he appeared angry as I saw him bring the gear shift lever all the way up into ‘Park’ and exit his vehicle, coming towards me with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, he seemed to be upset. I rested one hand on the filler handle and slipped the other in my pocket.

Here, I have to digress and explain something; being a new teenager I had started experimenting with smoking as did many of the guys I ran with. It was a ritual with us, and part of the implements required of course was a Zippo lighter. To light a cigarette with a match was considered lame. But a stock Zippo would never do; we altered ours by removing the original wick and replacing it with an adequate length of lace from a gym shoe, this gave an extraordinary flame and made the Zippo really windproof. Those of us who owned these modified lighters were easy to spot as most of us had singed eyebrows or small burn marks on our faces. Not only that, another part of the ritual was, if you were really to be cool, you had to be able to snap your Zippo open by placing your thumb on the bottom and first two fingers across the top, and in one quick motion open the lighter making it produce it’s distinctive cling sound and rotate the striker wheel to produce the flame. I had plenty of practice and became quite adept at this.
As the gentleman approached he seemed intent on some type of correction for me, at least I thought so, I stood next to the pump watching. When he got about 3 or 4 feet from me, I lifted the filler hose and brought my Zippo from my pocket, with no time for theatrics, I merely flicked the top open, the cling sound drew his attention as I asked “Need a light sir..?”  The man stopped, looked at my one hand on the handle and the other holding the unlit Zippo, after a few seconds he returned to his car and drove over the cone as he got out of line and left the station. That man had been angry and I think he intended to let me know that, instead, he took it out on the cone. To this day I have no idea why he was angry, he had knocked my cone down first. I have no idea what he had in mind, but nothing in my background to that point led me to believe I had to stand for any anger or correction from him, or any other stranger. Knowing how I was prepared to deal with someone’s anger has helped me in trying to find a suitable safe place for my own barley understood anger concerning grief.

At first I wanted to continue saying I wasn’t angry, but I found that wasn’t possible, I did feel anger. So I’ve decided to let my anger be about no being able to find something to be angry with concerning DJ’s death. We’ll see how that works out. It solves a couple of things for me tho; one, it allows me to accept that anger is a natural reaction to what has happened. And by that acceptance, allows me to exert whatever anger energy I have, in some direction even if that direction is, having nothing to name as being upset with. This is allowing me to find a safe place for it in my scheme of grief and frees me of the pain associated with being frustrated by it. So my answer for the anger is to be angry about not having something to be angry about, but I don’t put a lot of time in on it. All that may or may not make sense, to me it does and I’m running with it. So now the memories about our life BC (Before Cancer), are starting to come first…the actions and events of those years before we had to think about time and our shortage of it. The memories of our lives which like most had it’s ups and downs, it’s highs and lows…but which we reveled in and thoroughly enjoyed. From the early courting days and all the firsts they bring, to first acknowledgments of being attracted to one another…first tender moments…first times of really understanding the person you not only say you love, but whom you really like. There are memories of the first doubts about what we were embarking on, the unknowing and indecisions of young minds attempting to forge a life from the basic ideas we had formed up to that point…the questioning, the learning to agree, disagree, compromise, cry, argue, and support one another. These days I can say that I am having those types of memories first and can tell you that in my own case they are not bringing pain.

For a while I was under the impression that I would always first think about DJ in terms of her death.  When this year of hard realization started and I noticed that things which had bothered me previously, no longer did so, it made me feel kind of out of sorts…I could not understand what was happening. This quote and other things have helped to bring things into better perspective and has affirmed that what I have been feeling is evidently a part  of the journey. It may be something we need to remind one another of more often, that tho the road may be difficult and that our minds appear to be filled only with the thoughts about our partners dying, that it is probable that there will come a time when dying  won’t be the first thoughts we have about them. In time we will be better able to organize our memories and have them come to us in a more chronologically natural fashion.  Of course early on this would have been hard to believe, but I don’t think that should stop us from putting it out there. There is no telling just who may find that spark of hope in knowing this. Of all the quotes, sayings, mottos &ct which I have come across, this is the very first time I had seen this particular one and I’m glad I did. It has given me another avenue by which to approach the mental task of coming to terms with what has occurred. Back when I knew everything and had almost convinced myself that I didn’t want to go on without DJ, I could not even admit that anger was a part of my thinking. I had thought myself above that and concentrated my efforts on the terror and bewilderment I was feeling. Eventually I came to the conclusions stated above and have found it tolerable if not definite.

It is good to know that what the quote above states can come true; we don’t have to be trapped in the hell of forever reliving only those dreaded moments about our partners and the circumstances which took their lives. We can have hope that alto we must make the journey, travel the road, it does become smoother. For me, I’m finding that being willing to adopt and adjust those things necessary to believe in the possible of the different life is making a great difference, being able to believe in the wisdom offered by those who have gone before us can be a challenge, but is something I think we have to invest in. As I’m finding, the memories of our life together are all I have of DJ now and if they are to be a livable part of me, they cannot come with that early fear and pain. They have to not only come without pain, I’m now convinced, that her dying, altho the last physical act for her on this earth, cannot be the first thing I remember.

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

KnowingNow

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.”
―Phillip K. Dick, I Hope I shall Arrive Soon

Half way through the second year of being without DJ is proving to be the challenge that others who have come this way before me promised it would be. Altho it was spoken of in terms of being “Harder” for some of them, I’m finding it a bit different. For sure it is difficult, many of the same things which plagued us from the start are still around; the missing…the deep sense of loss and at times the feeling of total bewilderment as to why we’re living at all. The harder in my case would be dealing with the enveloping realization that life if totally different now, and that DJ is not here to share it with me. In all of this, I must admit that the pain has eased…somewhat, this is what I prayed for and agonized over so much early on; that the gripping pain which accompanied the many memories would never end. But the pain these days is associated with the hard realization, which has become my theme these days. It isn't crippling, but it is everpresent and the constant physcal reminders tho not necessary as my mind does an excellent job of recalling DJ, which cause me to have moments which I'd sooner not have. But such is life now and probably will be for some time to come. Having concluded I have no real idea of what acceptance might be, I have given over to thinking that accommodation may be a better description of what is occurring with me.
All of this is not to say that life is bad today, far from it, but it is different, and dealing with that difference appears to be my greatest challenge. Early on, when I was considering throwing myself away, I had been unable to see past the then, current pain and fresh shock of DJ's death; I had almost convinced myself that the thought of moving forward without her was an impossibility. As I learned to breathe again and to calm myself, despite the raging storm, some things became clearer as I was able to actually focus on positive thinking once again. As part of that, I was forced to confront myself in regards to my own personal character and integrity when it came to my thoughts on life and my purpose in it. Valuable life lessons were presented during that time and continue to reveal themselves; at some point I determined that either all the things which had made up my life to the moment that DJ died, all of it, good, bad or indifferent, and which had given me my notions of who I was in this life, either meant something, or the entire range of notions regarding life, living, doing, caring, loving...all of it, was a farce. As some measure of calmness returned and I began to think about all that had occurred in our life, I was able to gain some perspective of just what might be going on with me.
In an effort to deal with the effects which the devastating grief presented, a rigorous self examination was started and continues to this day...I'm finding there is still much to learn, even about my own self. Back then, being forced to admit that either I was truly grateful for the life DJ and I shared, for the children we were blessed with, for all the good fortune which, despite some of my best efforts, happened for us anyway; for the gift of recovery, for the very fact that we remained an intact, tho somewhat dysfunctional family (as many of us are); for the many times when something worse could have happened but didn't, for all those moments when DJ and I thought we had reached the end of our rope, only to find that we were able to tie a knot in that end and hold on...for these things and many more I cannot recall just now, I had to admit I was grateful. It became clear to me that if I were not able to put DJ's death in context with the entirety of my life, then for sure I had been living a sham...and...because I would be flipping out at a most crucial time, when faced with the greatest challenge, not only a sham, but a half-assed one at that. So, with support from family, friends, especially new friends I started down the path, dealing with the doubts, struggling through the fleeting thoughts of guilt, anger and regret. Being able to trust in that Power in which I believe and remain loyal to it, despite DJ's death made it possible for me to stay on the journey. DJ's dying was a natural consequence of living, we all face it; I knew it before she died, but what I didn't know, couldn't know, was the powerful effects that would have on me and our family.
The hard realization of this time is being put in line with the other things which have occurred along the way of the journey; I am looking at it as an opportunity to further come to better know myself and the world in general, a time when I can reinforce those tenets which I have tried to live by and make their foundations even stronger. This is not to say we have to like any of it, we don't, I don't think it works like that, we may not even have to accept it, I don't know; but I do know that my not finding a way to deal with and live through it can only make my idea of what I think this life is about, bogus, and me a phoney...i desire neither. This second year for me, with the hard and stark realizations is being taken as another necessary step along the way...living in the daily life, recognizing the seemingly never ending flow of people, events, situations, developments, setbacks, joys, disappointments, the highs, the lows, the yes'es and the no's, the very being of "I am", and reveling in the opportunity to immerse myself in those things and be sustained by the knowledge that this is as it should be, and that everyday I get another chance to do the next right things. This is part of what I'm finding out about this time.
As an underpinning of all of this is my recognizing that one of my early prayers has been answered. In that time, my single and constant wish was for me to have the memories without so much pain; that is happening and is making looking forward to the different life with energy and hope possible. Today I can remember the sparkle in DJ's eyes as we selected her first engagement rings; thinking about our first formal date does not bring me to tears now, recalling watching her as she looked at any of our children when they were newborns does not deliver the belly punch it once did. Almost smiling as I do so, in my minds eye, I can see us standing before the priest and renewing our vows after 25 years of trying to forge a union, a family, a home...our lives, I remember looking at her with tears in my eyes as the words faded to the background and my thoughts went to how much DJ had endured while remaining with me, how she had been the driving force in shaping our family and me also, and just how much I loved her for all of it; standing out sharply is the Saturday afternoon we found we could get the house, and the pure elation she radiated, and this, after having almost giving up on the idea altogether; the pain once caused by these things has diminished considerably, as I say that wish has been granted.
Of course the background sadness remains, the missing continues and the special loneliness are things I am finding we all have to find our own special ways to deal with, but for me, it is manageable, again, I don't have to like it. I have accepted that the sadness will remain, my task is to not let it control me; the missing is natural, DJ is gone, I should miss her, not having the pain of that cripple me is a welcome relief; I understand that being lonely is not restricted to grieving folks, but the special loneliness we know appears to be of a very singular variety, for me, it is yet to be solved, but even here, the pain has ebbed. Deciding that altho it is widely professed, but little practiced, I have come to ''if it's meant to be, it will be'', and understand here, I really believe this, it allows me not to worry so much about it and takes me back to trusting that the next right thing will happen. Of course, as we all know, 'faith without works is dead', and the only thing that comes to a sleeper is a dream, I am not above attempting to increase my chances of solving this particular issue; if we don't ask, the answer is always 'no'.
Being relieved of much of the pain associated with the memories, I can think about the things we shared and actually enjoy them; even tho I have years of experience in making my own plate, DJ found it necessary to remind me of just how it should be done...''...get potatoes...put the veggies on there...butter that roll...'';  naturally, despite me sometimes having to program contacts to her phone, evidently using the GPS on my own was not one of my strong points...''no...i remember it was down this street...you shouldda turned Back There...'';  altho I have never claimed to be a fashion plate, I thought I understood how to dress myself, DJ had a penchant for assisting with even the most basic of dressing tasks, ''...you prolly should button That button...No, THAT One...'', or ''...you're wearing That..??",...all things i miss today, but can recall without the pain. It is a joy to know that I have had someone to care for me right down to the color of my socks as I know there are many people who never have that in their lives.  And not only consider myself fortunate to have had DJ, but grateful that she knew I appreciated her, all of her, for the totally good human being she was; many folks don't get the chance to let one another know that, we did and it helps sustain me today.
So, the year and time moves forward, daily tasks are done and the living of life continues...our private struggles ebb and flow as does the tide and we who remain try to better fit in with what actually is as opposed to what we wish. The quote above hints at that just because I don't want to believe something, that is of little consequence, it is what remains. The hard realizations of this second year fit perfectly in that for me. I tried to stop thinking DJ was dead, but so she remains, the reality does not go away, this year many things are very real, including my belief that living is worth the effort and that the different life offers many new and wondrous things. Some may think me an optimist, that may be true, I prefer to say realist because for real this is life now and I'm not ready to stop believing in it; for real there are challenges to be met and dealt with, it's part of the living, for real we have come a ways, but there is still road ahead, for real, it is possible for us to have survived the worse hit of our lives and thrive in the aftermath. I am not prepared to stop believing and force any other reality, the current one is quite enough thank you, at least I'm starting to understand it...I think.

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

...and On and On and On and...

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

It’s interesting how the different things of life and the minds of people appear to work…or not. How some appliance, gadget, dod-dad or a person’s emotional flow,  makes the decision to quit operating in a normal manner at any given time in response to occurring events. I mean it’s not hard to understand, things and people age, their components and mental makeups can weaken. But I’ve found it curious just how and when this appears to occur. Years ago, for awhile, DJ and I had a mild running debate about just such occurrences. One morning she had turned on a countertop appliance, toaster oven or some such, and poof, a puff of smoke and the device operated no more. Having studied the operation of gadgets and the circuits that control them, of course I looked at it and determined the heating element was fried and announced it was time for a new one. Recently thinking about that time and how things and people function, and their tendency towards failure or shut down, led me to muse about it in terms of my emotional operation, not just now, during this time of grieving, but overall.  As our debate about how things worked and stopped working, and their causes developed, DJ and I covered a lot of ground over time. She seemed to always approach it from the angle that mechanical and electrical items we created to stop operating just as she was about to use them. My own narrow range of observations led me to notice that many things failed at the moment of being turned on…or off. We go to turn the TV on and it briefly blinks, perhaps a thin white horizontal or vertical line…maybe that all telling “zzzzzztttt” sound, often followed by a puff of smoke and then, nothing, it’s dead. Or, when you press the power button, it doesn’t respond at all.

Trying to explain my highly unscientific theory to DJ, I suggested that the circuits of many of the items we used were designed to run…that they were made to operate, to perform a particular task. That maybe the constant turning on and off might affect their service life. She listened politely and said “Well...all I know is that this stuff is supposed to work…and for my money, for a lot longer time than most of them do”. Deciding to keep the rest of the theory to myself for a while, I let the conversation go. But recently as I thought about that conversation, I thought about my own emotional operation. How normally it had been pretty even in responding the everyday flow of life, moving along with the peaks and valleys, but how the sudden jolt of rushing emotions resulting from DJ’s death had put me in a tailspin. I wondered, if like some of those circuits, which are infused with the sudden influx of current from being turned on, or the immediate loss of that power from being shut off, my mental components were weakened and maybe some actually damaged. I’m not sure the process matters at all as the results are the same; an interruption to normal operation, but the thought did occur to me. Now, there is one TV in our house which is rarely turned off on purpose, it runs constantly and has been doing so for quite some time. It’s the one I used to watch any programs that might catch my eye, without clashing with DJ’s viewing interest. We’ve had it for several years, but I cannot say for a fact that it’s life is any more longer or shorter than any of the other appliances we own, who knows, but I like to think that it remaining in the state it was designed for, on, has helped.

Of course our mental circuits are always on also, evidently even sometimes even when we sleep, so I have to stretch my on/off theory a bit when it comes to the notion of a ‘jolt’ to the system. But I can honestly say that the powerful stream of thoughts and emotions which seemed to fill my mind, not only as I watched DJ leave, but afterwards as I struggled to comprehend what had occurred, for me, can be compared to the most spectacular flash of lightning ever seen. Being stunned into near oblivion is putting it mildly; feeling as tho every nerve ending in our brains are being overloaded we truly are shocked. This scrambling of thought patterns and the distress the mental loading brings on has to be endured to truly have any meaningful idea of just what a state we are left in. And, for most of us, not for a short while either. Today it is 18mos since that life switch was thrown and the power of grief was turned on for me and our family. For the family members left, the shocks continue to affect our mental parts and the fact of grief being turned on for us is still quite evident and in some respect I am not sure it will ever be turned off.

Recently my oldest daughter and I were talking, just talking about general things, commenting on how despite everything which has happened, we could still name many things we are grateful for also. In a flash, grief’s power was revealed as she burst into almost uncontrollable tears; knowing there were no words, I simply put my arm around her and we sat for a bit. I’m sure the fact that it is a year and a half since DJ died, and the approach of Mother’s Day played a part, but still, the effects remain. I’m thinking, for her, the thoughts of DJ and all that is now, no more, appears to have overloaded her emotional circuits as it sometimes does for all of us and the circuit breaker of tears was necessary. It is my thought that those tears allow us to disconnect for a while, from the emotional grid of grief and to bleed off that energy which otherwise will have us otherwise locked in a state of permanent disruption. It has occurred to me that this entire line of thinking is of no critical value to anyone except me, that these thoughts and ideas are just my mental musings in an attempt to understand something that will never totally make any sense to my limited abilities. It would not be the first time. It could all be in line with my ideas about the  fallacy of logic and that's alright too. At times I would tease DJ that most electrical gadgets were powered by smoke and that if she didn't believe me, she should name the appliances that continued to work after smoke had been observed coming from them. One could make the case that smoke was the power factor in these devices, but it would be untrue. You can imagine the look I got after that one. But even if this line of thought is faulty on my part, I can only say the exercise does give me an opportunity to continue to process and give position to some of the many emotions that have been generated since her death; in short, it helps.

So, as the time passes and I try not to let the recurring switching of the mental states over take me, I attempt to remain on; on, about this being part of the natural flow…on, about facing the challenges of the different life…on, about staying positive, when everything around me want to appear in a negative …on, about taking the good days as they come and trying not to squander them…on, about believing that the sheer impact of realization I am feeling this year will not take me under…on, about trying to be honest in walking what I talk these days…on, about being grateful for those people and things which have made the journey tolerable to this point…on, for the continued good fortune me and our family enjoy…on, about knowing that the time DJ and I shared was the greatest time of my life and I would not trade one second of it for anything that exists in this world…on, about knowing that we loved one another whole heartedly and totally and understanding that is what is making this all the more difficult…and lastly on, about knowing that the goal of having all the memories without so much of the pain is happening, and reveling in the fact that the joy her memory gives me these days cannot be turned off, at least, not yet.