KnowingNow

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.”
―Phillip K. Dick, I Hope I shall Arrive Soon

Half way through the second year of being without DJ is proving to be the challenge that others who have come this way before me promised it would be. Altho it was spoken of in terms of being “Harder” for some of them, I’m finding it a bit different. For sure it is difficult, many of the same things which plagued us from the start are still around; the missing…the deep sense of loss and at times the feeling of total bewilderment as to why we’re living at all. The harder in my case would be dealing with the enveloping realization that life if totally different now, and that DJ is not here to share it with me. In all of this, I must admit that the pain has eased…somewhat, this is what I prayed for and agonized over so much early on; that the gripping pain which accompanied the many memories would never end. But the pain these days is associated with the hard realization, which has become my theme these days. It isn't crippling, but it is everpresent and the constant physcal reminders tho not necessary as my mind does an excellent job of recalling DJ, which cause me to have moments which I'd sooner not have. But such is life now and probably will be for some time to come. Having concluded I have no real idea of what acceptance might be, I have given over to thinking that accommodation may be a better description of what is occurring with me.
All of this is not to say that life is bad today, far from it, but it is different, and dealing with that difference appears to be my greatest challenge. Early on, when I was considering throwing myself away, I had been unable to see past the then, current pain and fresh shock of DJ's death; I had almost convinced myself that the thought of moving forward without her was an impossibility. As I learned to breathe again and to calm myself, despite the raging storm, some things became clearer as I was able to actually focus on positive thinking once again. As part of that, I was forced to confront myself in regards to my own personal character and integrity when it came to my thoughts on life and my purpose in it. Valuable life lessons were presented during that time and continue to reveal themselves; at some point I determined that either all the things which had made up my life to the moment that DJ died, all of it, good, bad or indifferent, and which had given me my notions of who I was in this life, either meant something, or the entire range of notions regarding life, living, doing, caring, loving...all of it, was a farce. As some measure of calmness returned and I began to think about all that had occurred in our life, I was able to gain some perspective of just what might be going on with me.
In an effort to deal with the effects which the devastating grief presented, a rigorous self examination was started and continues to this day...I'm finding there is still much to learn, even about my own self. Back then, being forced to admit that either I was truly grateful for the life DJ and I shared, for the children we were blessed with, for all the good fortune which, despite some of my best efforts, happened for us anyway; for the gift of recovery, for the very fact that we remained an intact, tho somewhat dysfunctional family (as many of us are); for the many times when something worse could have happened but didn't, for all those moments when DJ and I thought we had reached the end of our rope, only to find that we were able to tie a knot in that end and hold on...for these things and many more I cannot recall just now, I had to admit I was grateful. It became clear to me that if I were not able to put DJ's death in context with the entirety of my life, then for sure I had been living a sham...and...because I would be flipping out at a most crucial time, when faced with the greatest challenge, not only a sham, but a half-assed one at that. So, with support from family, friends, especially new friends I started down the path, dealing with the doubts, struggling through the fleeting thoughts of guilt, anger and regret. Being able to trust in that Power in which I believe and remain loyal to it, despite DJ's death made it possible for me to stay on the journey. DJ's dying was a natural consequence of living, we all face it; I knew it before she died, but what I didn't know, couldn't know, was the powerful effects that would have on me and our family.
The hard realization of this time is being put in line with the other things which have occurred along the way of the journey; I am looking at it as an opportunity to further come to better know myself and the world in general, a time when I can reinforce those tenets which I have tried to live by and make their foundations even stronger. This is not to say we have to like any of it, we don't, I don't think it works like that, we may not even have to accept it, I don't know; but I do know that my not finding a way to deal with and live through it can only make my idea of what I think this life is about, bogus, and me a phoney...i desire neither. This second year for me, with the hard and stark realizations is being taken as another necessary step along the way...living in the daily life, recognizing the seemingly never ending flow of people, events, situations, developments, setbacks, joys, disappointments, the highs, the lows, the yes'es and the no's, the very being of "I am", and reveling in the opportunity to immerse myself in those things and be sustained by the knowledge that this is as it should be, and that everyday I get another chance to do the next right things. This is part of what I'm finding out about this time.
As an underpinning of all of this is my recognizing that one of my early prayers has been answered. In that time, my single and constant wish was for me to have the memories without so much pain; that is happening and is making looking forward to the different life with energy and hope possible. Today I can remember the sparkle in DJ's eyes as we selected her first engagement rings; thinking about our first formal date does not bring me to tears now, recalling watching her as she looked at any of our children when they were newborns does not deliver the belly punch it once did. Almost smiling as I do so, in my minds eye, I can see us standing before the priest and renewing our vows after 25 years of trying to forge a union, a family, a home...our lives, I remember looking at her with tears in my eyes as the words faded to the background and my thoughts went to how much DJ had endured while remaining with me, how she had been the driving force in shaping our family and me also, and just how much I loved her for all of it; standing out sharply is the Saturday afternoon we found we could get the house, and the pure elation she radiated, and this, after having almost giving up on the idea altogether; the pain once caused by these things has diminished considerably, as I say that wish has been granted.
Of course the background sadness remains, the missing continues and the special loneliness are things I am finding we all have to find our own special ways to deal with, but for me, it is manageable, again, I don't have to like it. I have accepted that the sadness will remain, my task is to not let it control me; the missing is natural, DJ is gone, I should miss her, not having the pain of that cripple me is a welcome relief; I understand that being lonely is not restricted to grieving folks, but the special loneliness we know appears to be of a very singular variety, for me, it is yet to be solved, but even here, the pain has ebbed. Deciding that altho it is widely professed, but little practiced, I have come to ''if it's meant to be, it will be'', and understand here, I really believe this, it allows me not to worry so much about it and takes me back to trusting that the next right thing will happen. Of course, as we all know, 'faith without works is dead', and the only thing that comes to a sleeper is a dream, I am not above attempting to increase my chances of solving this particular issue; if we don't ask, the answer is always 'no'.
Being relieved of much of the pain associated with the memories, I can think about the things we shared and actually enjoy them; even tho I have years of experience in making my own plate, DJ found it necessary to remind me of just how it should be done...''...get potatoes...put the veggies on there...butter that roll...'';  naturally, despite me sometimes having to program contacts to her phone, evidently using the GPS on my own was not one of my strong points...''no...i remember it was down this street...you shouldda turned Back There...'';  altho I have never claimed to be a fashion plate, I thought I understood how to dress myself, DJ had a penchant for assisting with even the most basic of dressing tasks, ''...you prolly should button That button...No, THAT One...'', or ''...you're wearing That..??",...all things i miss today, but can recall without the pain. It is a joy to know that I have had someone to care for me right down to the color of my socks as I know there are many people who never have that in their lives.  And not only consider myself fortunate to have had DJ, but grateful that she knew I appreciated her, all of her, for the totally good human being she was; many folks don't get the chance to let one another know that, we did and it helps sustain me today.
So, the year and time moves forward, daily tasks are done and the living of life continues...our private struggles ebb and flow as does the tide and we who remain try to better fit in with what actually is as opposed to what we wish. The quote above hints at that just because I don't want to believe something, that is of little consequence, it is what remains. The hard realizations of this second year fit perfectly in that for me. I tried to stop thinking DJ was dead, but so she remains, the reality does not go away, this year many things are very real, including my belief that living is worth the effort and that the different life offers many new and wondrous things. Some may think me an optimist, that may be true, I prefer to say realist because for real this is life now and I'm not ready to stop believing in it; for real there are challenges to be met and dealt with, it's part of the living, for real we have come a ways, but there is still road ahead, for real, it is possible for us to have survived the worse hit of our lives and thrive in the aftermath. I am not prepared to stop believing and force any other reality, the current one is quite enough thank you, at least I'm starting to understand it...I think.

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings