Turn...Turn; Turn!

“To everything there is a season and a time under heaven.

A time to be born, a time to die…a time to laugh,

a time to weep…a time to dance, a time to mourn.

A time cast away stones,

a time to gather stones together…

A time of war, a time of peace

a time you may embrace,

A time to refrain from embracing…”

Words-adapted from The Bible, book of Ecclesiastes
Music-Pete Seeger, Sung by The Byrds

One of DJ’s requests was that at her service, if each family member would say something; instead I chose for my turn, the above phrasing and had it placed on the second page of her obituary. This was not because I feared being unable to maintain composure or anything like that, not at that early time when I still thought I knew everydamnthing, before I realized that I was in shock; it was merely that I felt she and I had said the necessary things to one another directly and really, everyone who mattered knows how I feel about DJ as I have voiced it publicly more than once at the various family and public functions. Besides, it says for me how I want to think of the life that DJ and I shared, with us having all the seasons which living has to offer and altho very hard to swallow, this, her dying was part of the human climate of the environment of life also. It is a reminder to me too, that the changes which occur are natural and that only our inexperience with all of this is what makes it so difficult for us in coming to terms with the effect it produces. I think this request was really more for the kids and other family members who cared to speak. To me, it is not such an unusual request; we all want to be thought well of by others, especially our family members. Regardless of what we call the makeup of families, blooded, blended, or by choice, we want to believe and know that no matter what, they are in our corner.  A loss, such as we have experienced can, along with all the other trials grief brings to us, also point up the chinks in the armor we call family. Recently, after hearing some horror stories from other regarding their treatment by so-called family members, I began thinking of how this entire ordeal has affected our family and our behavior towards one another. That’s not entirely true…what I really began to think about is how I have been treated.
 For sure we have all heard even if we have not been on the receiving end of, the shoddy treatment from family which can come our way when our partners are no longer here. Long held resentments, finances, and the effects of grief itself, among other things, can elicit behavior from those whom we once thought were the closest to us, which we could not have imagined. Many times, family occasions to which we were once a part of, become fading memories as invitations cease to come in and visits from family members becomes rare, if at all. For me, when it is all said and done, I have been fortunate; despite years of behavior which might well justify my exclusion from and hurtful treatment by DJ’s family, this did not happen. In fact, just the opposite occurred and they rallied around me and offered unwavering support. I’m finding that sometimes it is indeed a rare occurrence. As I have listened to and read of the trials of others in this regard, I have been led to try and honestly assess how some of the things I have heard can be perpetrated against anyone, let alone a grieving family member; stories of being shunned, asked to find other places to live, legal issues over finances and even the the court being brought into play in regards to children…more things added to the already heavy burden of the loss of a beloved partner. Making no attempt to say I can speak to the specifics in any of the things I have heard, I can talk about my own situation.
 For me it starts with recognizing that there are many and varied reasons why I might be treated other than as I have been…all valid.  Admitting to myself that I was less than stellar as a husband for some years requires that I understand that, first, and I do. It requires me to be grateful that I did not face the recriminations from DJ’s family and even our own children for example, as to why the illness should happen to DJ and not me; why her body was subjected to the ravages of the illness when for years I abused my own so carelessly; it is not difficult for me to understand at all. But there were no outbursts of anger or outrage, no telling glances, tho I’m sure, privately the thought has to have crossed their minds as it did my own, that’s a human reaction to be expected I think. But, as I say, this did not happen, instead, from the start I was supported and in some instances literally held up by the care and concern from DJ’s family; from that awful morning as DJ’s sister and I sat in the office of a funeral home listening to service options and costs and when we declined, next being told that DJ had already been embalmed, as we both glared at the person and stood up, then being told “let me check…”, (of course she had not been embalmed, it had only been a couple of hours), from that instance to when we sat in her car outside of the establishment we would go with, and discussed the various items and DJ’s sister finally said, as I sat there, crying, confused, really unable to make a decision, “…listen, this sounds about right, let’s do it…”, and it was done. To DJ’s cousins whose compassion and concern was expressed as they sat with me and assured me that DJ knew I had done all I could for her as did DJ’s mother…and that they knew also; that they understood the love DJ and I had for one another and not just because of the length of time we had been together, but by recalling the various times over the years that they had observed us at the family functions and other events. Today I can understand just how important all this was for me, and I am grateful. This all says more about them than about me, about their genuinely kind hearts and forgiving nature; I am not so sure I could have been as gracious.
 We are all aware of the things grief can expose in families, even before our own turn at dealing with it; we have seen it in other families, the breakdown of personal relationships among those we thought would care the most for one another…it is nothing new, only to those who suffer it now. I have no idea why this occurs and submit to being unable to fully wrap my mind around such things. I’m thinking sometimes, as we are told, we have to let folks go; tho usually applied to so-called friends and acquaintances, I’m convinced that in some cases it needs to apply to family also. When we are treated less than what we desire, from whomever, it is up to us to do the next right thing for ourselves. We cannot rail and complain if we are willing to subject ourselves to shoddy treatment. This requires an honesty of ourselves, to ourselves if we are to come away feeling satisfied with the results of any outcomes surrounding this. At least I think so.
For many of those currently experiencing this, it has to be a devastating situation, with their attempts to assuage feelings being ignored or rejected outright. Many come to find that despite their best efforts no compromise can be made and that in the most truest of senses, evidently there were always being tolerated by their partner’s family and that true caring was never a part of it. It has to hurt, be painful, but it is what many are faced with. The one thing that the journey has reinforced in me is the notion that we don’t have to take shit from anyone…period; we can choose to accept it, but we don’t have to. For most of us, from early in life, we have heard that we should turn the other cheek; for years I would say yes, turn both of them, but turn that third one too…and we all know what comes out of that one…We have options and one is to turn; turn ourselves away from the negative input others want to insist we have in our lives; turn away from the temptation to give energy to those things we have come to know we cannot control and will occur despite our best efforts; turn inward and remind ourselves that we have value in this universe, that we are not the worse of beings; turn around the notion that just because we want to get along we have to subject ourselves to the hostile behavior of others, including family, blood or extended; and finally, sometimes turn away from those, yes even family who would have us live a life of constant irritation by their actions. Not easy, but as we have found, little about this entire process is easy, but almost all of it is necessary.
 It is my hope that those having this ordeal will find solutions which bring some quiet to their minds and hearts; that the curves which relationships can throw can be negotiated with the diminishing radius not taking them inward and down, but that it can allow for them to make the turn, the full turn and fully enjoy the remainder of their turn at living. Being blessed in my own turn, I think is allowing me to more fully appreciate the struggles others may be having, not any better or greater, but surely to better understand today to a deeper extent than I might have thought was possible. At one point in my life I was fond of saying, ‘…just keep living’, everybody gets a turn…’, I never realized just how true that really was and just how meaningful it would become in my life, in my own turn.