

"If you actions do not prove the truth of your words,
Then all your words are lies"
-Ritu Ghatourey
Recently myself and a few
other widowed friends decided to test the effects of gravity and
embarked upon a mission to accomplish a tandem parachute skydive. The
idea had originated with my oldest daughter; she had offered the idea
during a conversation we were having. She had said it would be her
attempt to conquer her fear of flying. Foolishly I had blurted out that
sure, I’d jump with her and later, had mentioned it all to some of those
friends. The notion took on a life of it’s own as others began to warm
to the idea and soon plans were being made for a meetup in Chicago with
the main event being The Jump. Inquiries were made, a skydiving
outfit chosen and costs determined; a date was set and we all anxiously
awaited its arrival. Oddly enough, (or maybe not so oddly), about a
month before the jump was to take place, my daughter begged off, citing ‘a dream’
had come to her and she had decided that jumping at this time was not
the next right thing for her to do…uhhh-huhhhh. At any rate, the rest
of us forged ahead with our plans and as the weekend of the actual date
came around, folks from other parts of the country began to arrive. We
had a couple of days prior to the jump
to do some old fashioned meetup things, see some of the sights of the
city and enjoy a meal together and of course talk. Some of the folks had
not met before other than on-line and there was much hugging and
laughs. For me the meetups have proven to be a catalyst allowing me to
expand my somewhat inept social skills and an opportunity to meet some
of the very nice people who helped me early on as I struggled with the
newness of my Journey. I believe these meetups have made all the
difference in my ability to have Hope about the future and about the
possibilities of a life without DJ physically being here.
Inevitably the question is asked: “Why would any sane person want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?”
Naturally, the answers are as varied as is the number of people in
existence this moment. Personally, I have trouble with heights and have
had a fear of flying despite having served overseas where I had more
than enough of flying in both airplanes and helicopters. Even upon my
arrival on the West coast, back in the States, I opted to trade in the
first class plane ticket which had been issued to me by the military and
chose instead to take the almost two and a half day train ride across
country to Chicago. Since that time my reluctance to fly has faded and
today I can do it almost with total ease. A meetup was instrumental in
getting me to this point on the flying issue (1 Flew Over the WidowedNet, Blogspot, September 12, 2012), and for that I am forever
grateful. As for the jumping out of a plane, for as long as I can
remember it has been a major fear of mine. Until recently I had no great
need to resolve or attempt to deal with it, but after my daughter
mentioned it, what can be my own worse enemy, my mind, went into action.
It is common to hear among the discussions carried on by widowed folks
that we have faced the worse event of our lives; many times we speak
about how nothing could be any more terrifying than losing our partners.
And it is true…I for certain know this is true for me. As I thought
about that and the notion of parachuting out of an airplane, the
question came to mind, having gone through what I know to be the
worse, how can you be afraid to do that? After much pondering I decided I
couldn’t be afraid, I just couldn’t be. I could decide not to ever jump
out of an airplane, but the reason for it, the reason I would have to
know deep inside would need to be something other than fear. So I chose
to do it and in order to totally surrender to this idea that fear could
not rule in this matter, I also decided that all the stories of mishaps,
accidents, and even deaths surrounding such an activity could not be
allowed to work overtime in my mind. I would have to approach this with a
inwardly steely but outwardly mild reserve and make it an oh, so
matter-of-fact undertaking.
Now, I should point out
that these are just my musings on why I did such a thing and the fact is
I may really be insane…but who’s to say? Picking
up steam, my mind really began to generate other ideas; perhaps, in
order to not only be free of this particular fear, maybe this could be
the foundation upon which could be sat another building block of changed
Fred’s life. This particular block representing my attempt to have my
actions prove the truth of any words I might speak, else those words be
lies. It is a curious notion that has plagued me for some time, and I
wanted to use it in moving forward knowing I have the opportunity to
redevelop my attitudes, opinions and actions all in the very different
light of DJ’s death. This now comes down not to what others might think,
not to what any mass survey might show as some percentile believing and
acting this or that way, no, it comes right down to me and what I think
of me. Not in what any words others might have to say about me, but
what I say to me, in those quiet times when myself must be met and the
truth laid bare. I think I should make it clear here that this is not an
attempt to declare myself in training for sainthood, no, far from it; I
simply want to make it a point to have my actions actually prove I mean
what I might say. Perhaps I have put too much into this, over thought
it to exhaustion, I really don’t know; some folks tell me I think too
much and that may well be true; I do know this is what coming to terms
with the idea of jumping from a airplane led me to think. In my mind, I
had said that watching DJ die was the worse and most terrifying thing
that had ever happened to me to this point in my life and everything
else paled in comparison. If those words are to be proven true for me,
then my actions have to reflect that and in my mind, that reflection
does not allow for me to say to myself I can’t parachute out of a plane
or do anything else because I fear the results, I have already seen the
worse...so I jumped. Of course I imagine I could have also attempted to
cross the local freeway blindfolded in order to make the point, I'm not
sure...
By the day of the event I
had pretty much come to terms with the idea of jumping, my reasons for
doing it having been examined to the nth degree, were placed in a safe
place in my mind and I was at relative peace about it all. It would help
me to put some context to the notion about words, truths and actions
and I was able to concentrate on how to enjoy the experience. Of course,
aside from the rumblings of my moody mind, there are those very real
and practical things surrounding all of this. Things which have nothing
to do with the dubious thoughts and possibly skewed reasoning of some
widowed man’s mind. The jump itself was, for me, breathtaking and
thrilling, in that order; I do not know the adequate adjectives to
convey the experience so those two words will have to do. If I were
better with words perhaps I could describe feeling of being hooked to a
Jump Instructor and kneeling at the door of an airplane as the wind
whips your goggled face, waiting to exit…any attempts to articulate the
tremendous range of emotions which I experienced just prior to leaving
the plane would fall short I am sure. I believe it’s one of those events
which must be personally experienced to be fully appreciated, much like
the loss of our partners. I can say this; beyond some natural anxiety
about the unknown, and the very reasonable (I think) realization that
might go through anyone’s mind ("I’m getting ready to jump out of a #$@!@##!!G airplane!!"), I can honestly say, fear did not make an appearance. Racing thoughts, anticipation, excitement and even a bit of nausea were present, but not fear.
It should be kept in mind
that this particular activity tho presumably more risky than some
others, is really quite commonplace and done by most I’m sure without
the personal mental aspects I have attributed to my own experience in
doing it. But I do believe it is a very personal undertaking
nonetheless. Extending the idea of making our words our truths through
are actions may not be limited to just our experience in losing our
partners. Expanding it to become a basic tenet of my own life going
forward is a conscious decision I am making in order to have some
measure of peace about myself in the different life. I am coming to
believe that some parts of the past life have to come with us as we move
along the Journey; there are many things which served us well and
should not be forgotten or left behind. But simply because we are
changed, because we are different, there are some things I
think we have to create differently. Perhaps I put too much into these
things; work too hard to ascribe some deep cerebral meaning to things
which may well be best taken at face value, as I said, I really don't
know. I think I tend to go where my thoughts lead me and I was brought
to these words by this event. Trying to make my words translate into
truths by my actions is my attempt to approach the different life with
Hope; Hope that we can make the days meaningful, not only to ourselves,
but others also, the Hope that we can remember that we are all human and
subject to the shortcomings inherent in that status, Hope that our
ability to turn our sails into the winds of change will stand fast and
despite the sometimes turbulent emotional seas we might find, we can
also come to know we are up to the task and yes, even Hope for the truly
quiet times when we counsel ourselves, that we will not be too harsh
with our missteps or over praise ourselves for having done the next
right things. Hope
that the fears we have, those deep troubling, private fears which
disturb our sleep and keep us anxious for what, we know not, will not
maintain a grip on our clearer thinking and better judgement.
Hope that we can come to really believe that we have and can use the
opportunity to make our words our truths, and that those truths will be
proven by our actions.
No comments:
Post a Comment