This Too, Shall...

"The long and winding road, That leads to your door, Will never disappear, I've seen that road before, It always leads me here, Lead me to your door...'' - (The Beatles)


In a previous post earlier this year, I mentioned that how after some months I had detected a shift in how my thoughts about the absence of DJ was occurring. Early on, and for many months, that sinking feeling would overtake me as I did certain things which I associated with her presence; going to certain stores, hearing the various songs we liked, finding the odd article of her's which had escaped my efforts deal with her things. Altho the feeling did cause some moments of sadness and melancholy, I had come to accept them as part of the journey and something which had to be recognized as part in the grieving. After a while, the feeling was familiar, expected, even tho it caused that uneasiness. When I approached the house it would kick in, mounting the steps, my thoughts would turn to how many times we had came up those very steps, carrying bags...bringing in her latest find from some thrift store, or garage sale, or maybe just sitting there sometimes on a warm summer's evening; that feeling, that sinking feeling would be there. But one day as I came up those steps and I put the key in the lock, I realized that the sense of dread I had come to know and expect, was absent, not totally, but enough...not being fully able to describe it, for me, it can best be stated as me now expecting DJ not to be there; what's more, there was no sinking feeling now associated with the thought...it felt, natural. Perhaps this is how the journey progresses for some of us. Maybe it is a part of the journey we have to come to know and try to understand. This in and of itself is not a particularly bad thing, but I've found it triggering other feelings and questions for me.
Not having actually read any books on grief and grieving up to this point, and only scanning a pamphlet which attempted to describe the stages of grief at the start, I have no idea if this is considered a natural progression of events for the journey or not, or if it really matters, I just know it's happening with me now. Choosing to avoid any information on grief was, from the start, my attempt to experience DJ's death without interference from preconceived notions about it which I might have picked up by delving into writings about loss and grieving. I wanted whatever feelings and emotions which were generated by DJ's death to come strictly from my own mind and perceptions; my thought being that any solutions would only have to make sense there, in my own mind. Of course since that long and short time ago I have come to know some of the more common triggers involved, and have found many of them to be in line with what little I have since read about. This notion of becoming comfortable with DJ's absence really caught me off guard and I was unbalanced even more than usual for a few days. Using the resources available I looked for mention of it by others in the forums, groups, conversations I was having and found it, and what I think is several variations on it. As I say, the feeling itself for me right now, is not necessarily bad, just undefined at this point; I can describe it best as being uncomfortable because it is a new and different twist to this journey. After months of feeling one way about this entire situation, then almost in the blink of an eye, having much of the anxiety removed was not expected and some reservations are being held about welcoming it, tho I'm sure it will have it's way as most feelings associated with the death of our partners have a tendency to do. How I respond to it is the challenge.
On one hand being freed of the sense of dread and uneasiness grief has caused is good, but after months of thinking of DJ and always feeling soooo sad at the fact of her not being here, coming into the house and going certain places and not feeling so unsteady has taken some time to get used to, also it has caused me to wonder just how a safe place for this new feeling will be found. A fellow widowed friend put it best for me I think when she said ''After having been sad for so long, I'm just not sure how I should feel now, I mean after feeling sad for so long ...''. In another conversation a friend said '' I'm pissed that I'm not as pissed as I have been...''. Both of those sentiments closely mirror my own quite well, How should I feel now? I understand that this may all be part of it, but just what am I really feeling now? The response to this defined feeling is easy enough to state, at first panic, then, in a very curious development, almost feeling sad and near anger, that I'm not feeling sad...strange indeed. It really points out the subtleties which are so powerful during this journey and I think for me, this situation confirms that. I imagine it is a good thing, this change in feelings and will no doubt make more sense as times moves forward, but for now, tho not trying to overthink it, I am wondering just where this fits in the scheme of everything else involved with the process.
My first instincts lead me to believe that maybe it's part of the acceptance process, possibly how the natural trend in the journey goes for many of us. Later, when I actually invest the time capital to read about loss and grief and study what others have to say, I intend to see just how closely I can relate my own journey to those things I find in that material.  For now, I am accepting this latest bend in the road as a factual part of my own journey and I intend to see what other changes and the emotions they might trigger will surface as this long, most times lonely, but oh, so necessary journey continues. Currently I am leaning towards believing that this latest change in feelings should exist...we should naturally feel more comfortable as time passes and we understand better just how to incorporate our loss into our continuing efforts to live. Make no mistake about it, us having to like or not like it does not enter into the equation, for me it appears as a fact of my journey and something to be dealt with; we find out early on that much of what we encounter on the path, no matter how great the benefit to our attempts at healing and moving forward, does not, and probably will never be liked, we endure it, try to learn from it and carry it on with us, it becomes part of us and a safe place is found for it so that the carrying does not cause so much pain.
It should be noted that after that first burst of panic at not feeling the well known dread and sinking feeling, a very definite and continuing sense of a smattering of peace has entered my life; some portion of me which had been empty seems to be filling and it feels as tho I can safely ease my grip on some of those things which have been causing fear and anxiety. And I don't know for a fact if this is all part of acceptance or not, but it is happening and I am trying to better understand it, tho that may turn out to be impossible. The facts are that I am feeling better, about everything and for that I can be grateful. It is very curious indeed to be faced with the dilemma of having actually reached a degree of understanding and peace and then find one's self in a bit of turmoil about being there. Perhaps if I had read more...if I had looked into this just a bit more-....nah, I don't think it would not have helped me; the feelings  would still have occurred and I still would have had to deal with them. So, I arrive where I started from, believing that any and all of this journey has to traveled and dealt with individually in our own ways, and really, that's not such a bad thing, it's probably the only way we have the journey make any sense to us.