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It has been a struggle for me to keep perspective or to integrate it into just what is to be done next. How to deal with all the emotions I am feeling at this time, how to calm the fears and face the future of just me. A few days ago as I sat alone, crying, the 'Why Me Blues', I was reminded of my miracle. That's right, 'my' miracle; although our entire family benefited from this miracle, I claim it as my own. 21 years ago as I sat in a basement contemplating removing myself from this world because I had become a hopeless alcoholic, a miracle happened for me. When I say hopeless I mean it literally. Anyone who knew me then, friend, family or foe can attest to that. I had reached a point where I knew I couldn’t drink any more, I had become sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had begun to drink every day while overseas and continued to do so once I returned home. But, I don’t think it was the war that had me drinking, it wasn’t because of Donna or my family, it wasn’t because I couldn’t find a job, no I think I drank simply because I could…because I was selfish. It's really not important to me why I did it, only that I stopped doing it.
The first 2-1/2 years after the diagnosis, Donna continued to work, she wanted to; we tried to carry on as normally as we could in an abnormal situation. Her side effects from the Chemo were mostly limited to leaving a bad taste in her mouth and some hair loss. It appears now that the Chemo did extend her life and for the most part of the next four years we spent the time living. As I think about those times now I feel good and now know how blessed we were; not only to have the time, but blessed because we became closer. After reading about other people with the same condition as Donna, and, realizing that many of them only had months, and in some cases weeks to prepare, I know we were blessed with a miracle. We, our family and I must remember not only the miracle of that, but also the miracle that our family has endured and remained intact. I like to say now, ‘tho one less, we remain whole’.
Because of the way my mind is organized (?), when this whole thing came upon us, I think I went into some type of survival mode. For me it came down to what I believed about life in general, what my philosophy about just what life meant. I began to think about what we were going through, and as I went through my days trying do go on as normal, I realized that no one outside of our family and our close friends knew or cared a rat’s a-- about what was happening to us. That was natural, it wasn’t happening to them so how could they care? I had to keep reminding myself of that. We were surely not the first people this had happened to, and would not be the last. Why it was happening to us was something I had to categorize as a part of life. It didn’t require me to endorse it or like it, or to make sense of it, it was life. That begs the question then, just what are we doing in this life, what’s the point of it all. I know it’s the universal question, everyone asks it, but now I had to get some hard definitions for myself; it didn't matter if they were right or wrong, just as long as I could put it to rest in my mind.
In the beginning we thought we had an idea of what life was about, it was the idea that most of us have when we’re young and just starting out; get married, make a home, raise some children and enjoy our old age together. Well, the miracle for us was that these things did happen for us despite wars, alcoholism, close calls and many other dysfunctions. But never in our wildest dreams did we consider that one or the other would have to go on without the other. I don’t know why, we knew dying was a part of life; it’s just not something you normally think about. I think we all tend to take this miracle of life for granted; we’re here, we live it and go on day to day. It is mostly, only at times like this, times of great loss or some other deep trauma involving death that we stop to reflect on what it’s all about. For me, I have to remember that I lived before Donna entered my life, that I laughed, cried, made and lost friends, went to parties, felt both good and bad, in short, I lived. I was experiencing the gift of this life before her, being with her only enhanced that experience. The bottom line is, this is my personal gift, this life, it is up to me on how it will either be enjoyed or destroyed. Grief makes it hard to remember that, but it remains a truth for me.
Now, I don’t have any great insights on the meaning of life, no revelations brought from the mountain top, just my own humble opinion. But I do believe that this life, all life is a miracle in itself. I don’t think you can find one rational person who can look at a newborn and not be amazed, and not declare that a miracle. The mechanics and biology of childbirth can be explained and detailed, but no one has the answer as to why and just how it occurs. Mabey part of the miracle of life is the relationships we develop along the way and our feelings that allow those relationships to take hold and grow. Mabey part of it is the results of the seemingly random events that occur in our lives and how they affect us, cause us to stop and think about our own situation. As I say, I have no great answers, only more questions, especially now. But all of that does not deny the existence of miracles, or the fact that life is one of them, at least not for me. Now I understand that having Donna in my life was a miracle in itself; our improbable start, the torturous middle time and later, the unexpected and unwanted events that brought our time together to a close. The facts are that we did have that life, that we did get the opportunity to learn from each other and grow. We had the miracle of three healthy childbirths, made a home for them and defined for ourselves the sense of family. We have survived other tragedies, arguments, job losses, financial crisis, everyday BS, and all the other curve balls life loves to throw at you. To me that indicates that this grief also will be survived, it's just a matter of how. There’s a song that contains the lines
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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my
heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -e.e.cummings
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