There was a visitor I had the other day whom I had not seen in
some months. It dawned on me that I had not really missed seeing him
though. This character did not wait to be invited in, no, he simply walked in,
his feet carelessly moving through the empty potato chip bags and fruit juice
cans that littered my bedroom floor. Not waiting for an invitation to
sit, he wedged himself between the arm of the lounger and me, crowding me
actually; the lounger on which Donna had died. Before I could protest he
spoke, “Whats up Fred?” Looking long and directly into his face I tried to
recognize him; his features seemed familiar, but I could not quite bring them
into focus. Looking around at the disaster that had been what Donna and I
considered our ‘safe place’, our bedroom, he said “Nice job, got the same plans
for the rest of the house?” My mouth opened to say something, but I never
got the chance. Rushing on he continued:
“What’s your problem?, Life got you down? Things
not working out the way little Freddie planned? Bright boy lost some of
his shine? Oh, I know, Donna died and now you’re wallowing in your
self pity eh? What the hell is your problem son, why the Fuck are you
acting so damned surprised? Wait a minute, wasn’t it you who always said
‘everybody’s suppose to get a turn?’, well didn’t you get a turn? Let’s
see, didn’t you get a turn to be with the person you wanted to be with, and for
40 years no less? Didn’t that person show you that she loved and cared
about you more than anything in the world? Didn’t Donna make you first in
her life? Hell, shitface, she stayed with you when you didn’t want to stay with
yourself. And greater than that, didn’t she share her forever with you?
Well, why are you dragging your sorry ass? That girl put up with more shit from
you than your mother would have, you had a hell of a turn. No one said
that you had to have a perfect turn, that you even had to like your turn, just
that you were suppose to get a fair turn, butthole; I think you got that.
Now look at you, acting like a spoiled-assed kid, ‘oooh I’m so sad, Donna
died’, ‘oh, pity me, what will I do now’, ‘boo-fucking-hoo, Fred’s
unhappy’, ain’t that a shame…”
As I sat there, stunned beyond belief, appalled at the liberty
taken by my visitor to say such things to me, especially at this time, my mind
raced; I needed to put a stop to this, why was he speaking to me this
way? Couldn’t he understand what had happened, understand that I was
grieving? As I opened my mouth to reproach him, he cut me off:
“Oh yeah buddy-boy you got one hell of a turn, and this is how you
show your gratitude for it. Remember, it was you who said to others, that
life wasn’t always fair, that ‘shit happens, so deal with it’, what's wrong now
shitbird, cards don't fit in your hand? that all a person had to do was
to ‘keep living’ and sooner or later life would peel a couple of layers off
their asses? Well didn’t you think that shit applied to you? What,
Fred’s ass too precious to be peeled? Oh, I know, you don’t like the way
Fred’s turn ended, you don’t like that you didn’t get the chance to write the
final chapter of that turn eh? Too fucking bad, that wasn’t part of the
deal. A turn my friend, that was all you were meant to have, to make of it
what you would, now, you had that turn so go sit your ass down and take all
that crying, all that sadness and loneliness with you, no one wants to be
bothered with that shit; you didn’t want to be bothered with it before it
happened to your ass, did you?”
Being frozen with disbelief, I couldn’t move, I wanted to bring my
hands up to clutch his throat, or at least smash his face, but i could not.
So on he went:
“You must think you’re special, that the rules that apply to
others, don’t apply to you; WRONG AGAIN. You’re no better, no more special than
anyone else, so suck it up and move your dead ass on. What? her fault for
making you feel so special? Bullshit, don’t blame this on Donna, try again. You need to
realize shitface that you’ve been blessed beyond anything you deserve. You
survived the streets, war, years of being a goddamned drunk, and by the way, if
nothing else, be glad you didn’t Fucking kill someone while having your drunk
ass turn; after all that you still managed to wind up with a wife that loved
you beyond measure, three children anyone would be proud of, and had the
opportunity to live a pretty good life compared to most; you were blended into
a family that you know cares about you and have always had your best interest
at heart…you ungrateful SOB, suck it up, better yet, suck your ass on away from
me, I’m getting
pissed now…I’m going to let you in on a little secret buttwipe, I don’t believe
that you believed half the shit you use to
spout off about...…Fucking hypocrite, complaining about your turn…...whole bunch
of folks never get a turn, that may not be right, but it happens. What’s that
you say, oh yes, Donna did die, but you got a little time to prepare didn’t
you? Too bad it wasn’t what you wanted but you did get some, lots of
folks don’t. Be grateful her pain and discomfort was minimal and that you
and the family could be there at the end; grateful that for four years she was
able to do pretty much what you and she wanted, grateful that in her last
moments, she was at home, with family surrounding her. That for the most part
she was able to understand how much every one loved her and only wanted peace
for her; and the best thiing you can find to do is sit here and wallow in this
shit, why you selfish M-......................."
He never got a chance to finish; that was it, I didn’t like him
saying Donna’s name, he had no right to. Grabbing him, I brought him
close to me, I was going to clip his ass, but good; as I brought him closer,
his face came into sharper focus…I reeled, geeeze, it was ME I saw looking
back. A bit younger, not as haggard as I am today, but nonetheless, still
me. Releasing him, I wanted to escape, to be away from him, but it was
not to be, he wasn’t having any any of it. Now he
drew me closer, worse, he pressed the tip of his nose right against
mine, forcing me to look directly into my own eyes…...I must have passed
out.
When I awoke, my head
hurt and my mouth was dry; had I been dreaming? Maybe, but the
conversation was still fresh in my mind. The visitor had left and I was
alone. Alone to think about the fact that a lot of what he had said was
true. I didn’t like it, but it was. Wish he’d come back tho, come
back so I could tell him that despite my current appearance and the condition
of my living circumstances, I was beginning to understand. That all of what he
said was the truth. That I was coming to realize that my turn really
wasn’t over, just going forward into a new phase. That yes, despite feeling
really crappy now, I was grateful for the turn and that this present ‘me’ was
just trying to figure out how to integrate such a traumatic event such as
Donna’s death, into my turn. That I knew that there was more to my turn
than just losing her and that I was charged with the responsibility to manage
my life and show gratitude to the great lifegiver. I really do understand that
it is not all over....... yet, I just need to have this time to adjust, I hope
he understands. Feeling kind of sad he’s gone now, and I have a sneaking
suspicion he won’t be coming back, I think his time has passed and he knows it.
I realize I can never be the person I was before Donna’s death.
That’s
not necessarily bad, just different…and after my seeing my visitor, I’m not so
sure I want to be that person again
pax
_________________________________________________
“I carry your
heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you
go), my dear…” -e.e.cummings
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