23-Life

As I’ve mentioned before, until I really started looking into the grieving process, I had the notion that it was like most things you go through in life…you examine it, try to understand it, and then make a plan to deal with it, get it over with.  So, after we found out just how sick Donna was, I think I started to try to grieve right then.  I tried to approached it the way I tried to do everything, head on.  Trying to imagine life without her was difficult, strange; doing the simplest things would trigger all kinds of thoughts.  Making the coffee each night for the next morning I would think ‘…one day you won’t need 4 scoops…’ or if we were doing something together, the thought that one day, I wouldn’t be able to do these things with her, would flash across my mind.  Sometimes when  I was alone, I would try to play out a whole scenario where Donna was not a part of it…often I would end up crying, it was just too difficult to think about.   But I kept trying to do it and after a while, I found it becoming automatic, but it wasn’t quite complete.  No matter what we were doing, alone or with friends or family, at outings, family events, or just watching her sleep, I was constantly trying to imagine it all happening without Donna.  I think that after a while I thought I had a pretty good fix on how it would be.  Oh, I knew I couldn’t envision how it would actually be, but I thought I had a good idea of it.  I was wrong, or mabey I should say that my mind could not imagine the many twists and turns that losing someone special to you can cause in your mind.

As I continue to examine the many emotions that are triggered by this grief, I am forced to realize that all of this has to be put in context of our entire lives, my entire life.  In believing that my life was  a gift from my Higher Power, and that I am responsible for that life, I now believe that this part of it has to be meshed with all the other parts of my life.  When I was in the war, I remember thinking at the time that one day it would all be over and that if I lived I would be able to put it behind me.  That didn’t happen, what actually happened was that I learned to incorporate that experience into my life and as time passed it became a natural part me.  The memories of the events of that time, good and bad, have become part of my life, part of me.  We cannot put these types of events ‘behind’ us, they live inside of us.  Once I had a better grip on the grieving process, at about 6 weeks I decided that I had to be immersed in it if I was to really move on.  I began to read everything I could find about losing a spouse or significant other; I joined grief forums and newsletters, I started this blog.  I wanted to know how others dealt with the loss of that special someone with whom they had shared a deep intimate relationship and how they managed to blend it in their ‘new’ lives. I know that it is different for each of us, but I did manage to get some insight in how the process worked. 

The gift of life given to me has to be celebrated if I am to remain true to my gift giver.  As I wallow  (and wallow I must, no half measures here…) in this grief I remind myself that this has  to be only temporary, I cannot, I will not live in it.  Actually I don’t believe we can live in it; I don’t think anyone would  say that staying in that state of pain and anguish, is living.  So perhaps these pages represent more that just an attempt to get through this time of loss, maybe they are also an effort to  understand how it fits into my entire life.  


I am coming to believe that is the real challenge.  My family  and I are made up of more that just Donna’s death, we are more that just the pain we feel at her loss.  Donna is more that just her death.  When all is said and done, we all are the totality of our experiences throughout our lives.  I am going forward with these thoughts in mind, that as I travel through this grief I concentrate on how this has to become part of me, part of a new life, a huge part, but still, only a part of it. 

Since coming to this decision I have slept a bit better, the background anxiety has eased some, and I can carry the weight of the sadness a lot better.   This is not to say that the waves of grief have stopped, they haven’t, but now, though they are painful, at least I know what they are. There are still moments of shock and a devastating sense of loss at times.  
The things I mention here apply to me and my attempts at healing;  they are my thoughts and conclusions this far in my journey.  They are my attempts understand all that is happening and try to make some sense of it; just one person’s feelings about an incredibly difficult journey, through an unimaginably sad experience.  Currently I’m concentrating on slowing down, taking more time to do things,  I now realize that for the past 4 years it seems as if me and our family had been running a race.  Maybe subconsciously we were.  Everything was centered around Donna; time, when certain things could be done, appointments &ct.  Now, there’s no particular need to rush, it’s done.  We can all get off of that merry-go-round. So trying to slow down has been a challenge.  I am also making a conscious effort to remember my faith.  If I am to believe in this life it has to start there for me. It's strange that after  reminding Donna of that so often during the last days, that now I have to remind myself of it…faith. 

As I have said, time appears to be doing what nothing else could, ease the pain.  But I can’t expect time to do it all, I have to take an active role in surviving this grief.  Through this blog and other things that’s what I’m trying to do. Maybe it will help someone else too...

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings