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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

21-Smile


“When you smile at me, you know I will understand ‘cause that’s something everybody, everywhere, does in the same language…”   
(Jefferson Airplane-1969)


This has to be one of my all time favorite opening lines from any song.  Yeah, the Airplane is alright, Donna didn’t think much of them though…anyway, from the first time I heard those words, they struck a chord in me.  Think about it, a smile is universal, it doesn’t require you to learn a second language to communicate, it transcends all boundaries of culture, race, creed, color, or national origin.  It can allow you to convey a certain message to anyone, anywhere in the world.  I love Donna’s smile, when I see it in a picture or think of it I still get Goosebumps.  It’s something that we can do daily and it won’t cost us a thing; it is said that it takes more energy and facial muscles to make a frown rather than to smile.  I don’t know about that, but I do know that a smile is powerful.  Now, this is not to say that all smiles are welcomed or sought out, some smiles we would just as soon as ignore; the leering smile, the smile from an unwanted admirer, or the smile of arrogance some folks love to display.  Here, I’m talking about the desired smile, the smile that you seek out and hunger for.  The smiles from the special people in our lives.  Although I’m finding it difficult to smile at times these days, that does not diminish the power of a smile or the fact that we human beings respond to them. 

A smile can come to the rescue when words seem inadequate, when the moment demands silence and any attempt at conversation would be futile.  I’m sure the world could use more smiles, I know I wouldn’t mind more of them.  Of course we human beings can find fault with anything, and that includes smiles; you go around smiling too much and you may appear suspicious to some people, or have them think you’re a candidate for the backwards shirt.  That’s sad in a way because I’m sure, a smile has helped many a person through a trying time.  Through this process they have helped me; smiles from friends and family just when I needed it has made this journey somewhat easier.  I hoped that in most cases I have been able to respond in kind, but I’m sure I have fallen short on that score.  As I say, they have been a comfort to me and in part, this is what prompted me to string these words together.  I had not realized how much I missed Donna’s smile until I came across a particularly good picture of her at our youngest daughter’s wedding.  Though in the midst of the illness, in that picture she appeared as if she didn’t have a care in the world, as if that wedding and the ensuing party would go on forever…as if we would go on forever.  Although deep down we knew different, that day, her smile had even me convinced that all was right with world, and mabey, just mabey, it was.

Of course this was not the first time I had seen that type of smile from her, over the years I had seen it many times on many different occasions.  But now, at the wedding it just seemed to be even more special. I remember the smile she had when I told her how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, marry her and make a home with her, when I explained to her that I had thought it out, and she had to be mine, I remember how all those many years ago she smiled with pride as I asked her to wear my class ring and later how she beamed as her friends made a fuss over her engagement ring and our plans for marriage. I remember how she would smile when we shared a special moment such as me getting her something she really wanted, or her smile to me, when she did the same for me; the smile she had when as a young parent she would look at our children …these simple acts, this smiling endeared me to her and now has me longing to see it again, in the flesh.  Over our last 4 years together we had many chances for smiles and we tried to make the best of those chances.  We were really blessed in that regard. 

I only mention this in the hope that we all may reconsider the simple smile and offer it to others more often, especially those people we say we love and care about. Offer that smile even tho we may not really feel like it; it's easy to smile when things are going great, not so easy when the world keeps throwing us curve ball after curve ball. I sincerely believe that our world cannot have too many of them.  A couple of days before she took her final breath, as I sat, tears streaming down my face, holding her in my arms, telling her how special she was and how much we all loved her, telling her how much I loved her, I looked at her face, trying to take in everything about it and hoping for a smile.  By this time she was in and out of consciousness speech had all but deserted her, and it was difficult to tell what she actually heard although it appeared she would respond sometimes.  

As I watched her and talked to her, I told a private joke we shared from years ago; I’m not sure because my mind was not in the best shape at that time, but I choose to believe that as I told that joke, I saw that familiar smile come across her face, that smile i love so much; i think she smiled...i hope she smiled....she did smile.  Despite everything that was happening, that made me smile too.


pax

                                                                                                    
“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

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