131-Leaving

‘We are left behind, shipwrecked on our islands of                sorrow…’

 Recently I had a dream about Donna, it is one of only a couple of real dreams that I have had since she passed, by real, I guess I mean it’s the first dream that I can recall where i remember most of it.  In the dream Donna was leaving me, not by dying, but the good old “we’re through, I’m outta’ here…” type of leaving.  In the dream I remember trying to convince her to stay; I don’t remember if I succeeded or not, but it did make me think of the times before now when we had been separated, when one of us left, for whatever reason; work related, out of town visits &ct.  The first time I can recall is in May of 1969, I had just came home from work and there was a letter on my bed…it was a draft notice; I would be leaving for the Army at the end of July.  I remember being panicked and saddened; we had been making plans to be married, had just bought a new car, and now this.

When I broke the news to Donna, of course, we both cried  This was to be our first real separation in about 4 years, up till then we had seen each other almost everyday, and had at least talked everyday for sure.    We talked about our fears that I might get wounded or killed…there was a shooting war going on then…we talked about what this meant for our plans….I would be gone at a minimum of two years, but we wanted to do everything NOW…eventually we came to terms with it, we had no choice.  We packed a lot of living into those two months before I left, but it was still devastating when I had to actually leave.  The image of her standing in the airport as I looked back from the boarding ramp…that image is forever imprinted in my mind. While away, I remember missing her so much and only be comforted by the thought that it was only for a year, then I would be back in the states.of course we wrote to each other during my training, and there were phone calls, but nothing matched the day I came home of my first leave…I was home for Christmas that year... Ultimately I was sent overseas and that truly was a hellish time. Staying in touch by mail was awkward at best, our letters were always about a week or more behind. During this time we once had a disagreement that lasted 3 months because of this.  Our first son was born while I was away; while she was pregnant  I had worried like heck, that’s all I could do, worry.  Eventually I made it back home, but this had been our first major separation.

We had been married for about 3 years when I got the bright idea that everyone would be better off if I left her and the children (our first daughter had been born in the interim), so I moved back to my parents place.  I don’t remember this separation as being that painful, for a while I was full of self righteousness about whatever the blowup was about, and felt like I didn’t need or want her in my life.  After a few months I was begging her take me back, to give our marriage another chance; I admit it, I groveled.  That was the first and only time we had that type of separation and I’m glad it only happened once.  There were other separations, visits to out of town relatives, a stay in Florida to do training for her job, and other away times, but they all held the promise of a return; this current absence does not have that possibility.  But even during the away times, brief as they may have been, we missed each other immensely. I think Donna and I for whatever reason were really into each other in a very special way and any separation however short was somewhat painful for us.  I think this was because we relied on each other so much, almost to the exclusion of others.   That may or may not be a good thing, but I think that’s the way it was for us.  When we began the journey of her final leaving, it was with great sadness and anticipation, we had very little experience at being apart and for both of us it was going to be a challenge; for her, facing the prospect of death and all that comes with it, fear of the unknown and just pure terror at the thought itself.  For me, what to do after, not only what to do, but how would I do it…whatever it was.  We talked about it, but it was in terms of our hopes and wishes about how we wanted it to be…we had no idea.  We may have concluded that ‘why worry about…’, I just don’t remember…

It may do us well to reconsider this leaving business, I don’t mean just dying, I’m talking about the everyday leavings that occur in our lives.  That ‘I’m going to the mall…’ leaving, that ‘I’m running to the store…’ leaving, the leavings we do every day  and take for granted that we will be returning; ’I’ll be right back’…mabey not.  It forces the realization that to those we say we love and care about, we should be more patient, more giving, more willing to recognize and embrace their differences. I did a lot of those of things, but now I wish I had done more. I think we all want to live our lives without regrets, but really, how much work do we put into making it happen?  In a huge way I have been blessed; once we knew where we were headed, I had the chance to do more of those things with Donna on purpose.  I was forced to remember that our time was limited and I needed to take every opportunity to let her know how I felt about her and just how important she was to me.

These days the things I’ve mentioned have become a larger part of my life.  Partly because of what Donna and I went through, and partly because I believe it’s just the next right thing to do. I don’t want to remain on this ‘Island of Sorrow’, this is just a stopover. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to let the special people in my life know that they are special to me, for whatever it’s worth.  I don’t do this with the fear that they will be leaving in any permanent way anytime soon, I doing it because I want them to know they’re special to me and because it makes me feel good.  No one wants to get left, but sometimes it’s out of our control; we have to recognize that all leaving is a part of life, it’s how we deal with the aftermath that’s important.  


With that I think I’ll be leaving…for now...

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings