"Grief is the price we pay for
love"
Queen Elizabeth II, speaking
after the 
A few days after the formal celebration of Donna’s life, I sat
alone trying to figure out how I was going to get on with the rest of my life
or even if I wanted to without her…I began to think about this grieving
process, this time after loss. Was I
going to feel like this forever? This
raw and overpowering sense of loss and associated pain. Was I going to become a
grief-junkie? That thought scared me
even more. I need to find a way to put
this part of my life into some manageable focus. Being as flaky as I am, I can end up
wandering the streets babbling nonsense or worse, drunk. Despite outward appearances, I’m a weak
person. Having an addictive personality
doesn’t help. There’s a good chance I
can become addicted to grief, and I have to look at that as a real possibility. I think that would do a disservice to Donnas’
memory and that is not my intent.
The queen’s quote reminded me that this is life and that there is a
cost that goes with having a deep love for someone, for having a special
relationship. That cost is
unavoidable. There’s no good or bad
involved here, this is just the natural result, we don’t have any control over
it. What we do have control over is our
response to it. When the call came
confirming the diagnosis, we held each other, crying together on the
floor. I guess I started grieving right
then. For Donna, for the children, for me…for everybody, for everything that
would be affected by this, we cried.
Later, as we talked about it and the reality sat in, Donnas’ first
concern was about everyone else. How would
the family take it? Honestly, those were
not my first thoughts; my first thoughts were about ME! How would I make it? I don’t apologize for thinking that, it’s a
fact. We have invested our entire adult
emotional lives into each other and now one of those lives was coming to an
end.
This was day before Christmas eve, 2007;
Donna said we wouldn’t tell anyone until after the holidays. That was a hellish time. It was time for us to pay the price for what
is in my mind, a great love. Never
occurred to me there was a price to be paid, and that the cost would be so high,
emotionally. I’m grateful to have the
love so I don’t mind paying, it’s the not having it that is so painful. Donna would say, ‘…try not to feel so sad, I
want you to be happy…go on with your life, find someone else if you want…’. They were tough things to hear but I knew she
had to say them, I’m sure they were tougher for her to say. But again, she was thinking of me first…what
would happen to me. She knew I would
always be sad about this, we have just too much together, but I love her for
saying it. She talked about the children
and how this would affect them.
She
talked about her fears for her mother and sisters…how would they manage? I tried to reassure her that somehow we would
make it but I don’t know how much good it did, not much I suspect, but what
else could I say? But this is a part of
life we all may have to come to terms with at some point. It reminds me that even at this late date
there are life lessons for me learn.
This is one of them. This does
not mean that we should be fearful of having and developing deep relationships,
this does not mean that just because there may be sadness from loss, that we do
not live and love to the fullest. We
can’t live our lives in fear of loss.
It’s another facet of life we must come to terms with.
In those early days after getting the news we were both in
shock. We tried to continue our normal
routine, knowing that nothing would ever be ‘normal’ again. Donna was still working at the time and she
said she wanted to go on as long as she could.
Treatment began and so did our journey of hope. It was a journey overshadowed by the
knowledge of the possible outcome, but we had no choice, we had to take it. Gradually we silently came to terms with the
situation and tried to carry on, but in the back of our minds, all of our
minds, we had that shadow of impending doom.
So, it began…
pax
_________________________________________________
“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never
without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings
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