125-Ideas

The other day while watering one of the many plants which we received as a condolence, I looked at the stand the pot was sitting on.  There’s nothing particularly special about the stand other than the memory it triggers for me.  We bought two of them one day while at the local home improvement store, they had caught her eye, given her an idea.  As I say there’s nothing special about them, just everyday plant stands. They were unfinished, natural wood and would need to be painted.  Donna bought them; they could go in the dining room…I love her for her ‘ideas’.I think Donna like the idea behind things; as I moved on to a different aisle to get the things I knew we would need, wood filler, sandpaper, paint, &ct, she said “…we need all that stuff?”  When she had first seen the stands, she like the idea of where they would go and how they would look in our house.  The fact that they would need to be wood filled, sanded & painted were just minor details to her.  She loved the idea of a picture perfect dining table setting or how the tables looked when she had set them up for an outdoor meal, when we had our friends and family over.  She loved the idea of art and craft projects and actually did a lot of them; I've come across some she never opened... but it was the idea of them that really got her.  Once, when we had to get her a new printer, we were looking over the various models and she saw an All In One model, did everything but made the coffee.  She loved the idea of that and wanted it, I knew she would never open the instruction book that came with it.  That was alright, I did. 


Then there was the movies...Donna liked having the latest movies. There are two stacks of them now; the one's we've seen, and the one's yet to be watched.  That yet to be watched stack is much larger than the other...  For her, it just the idea of having those movies that really mattered.  We watched a lot of them together, along with our running commentary, we enjoyed them...i miss that. 


Sometimes her ideas were a challenge, she wanted a walk-in closet in the basement, to her it was simple; some shelves, a couple of closet poles, a little paint…no matter about  layouts, drawings or plans, or do you want the entrance on this or that end, she was in love with the idea of that closet and wanted to have it, we built it and she truly enjoyed it.


A Vegas get away had always been one of her dreams, she got to fulfill that dream.  I think it was the whole ‘idea’ of Vegas that attracted her.  The bustle, the lights, the breath taking sights, the visions that the word Vegas brought to her mind.  Oh, she enjoyed all those things I’m sure, but the idea of Vegas is what really brought her joy.  Sure, she did some of the regular things you do in Vegas, but I think Donna was most content to lie in a lavish suite, watch TV and order room service…it was the idea of just being in Vegas that made her enjoy it so much.  

Her greatest gift to me, was her idea of family, our family; and when things did not conform to her ‘idea’ of family there was hell to pay.  She is the classic matriarch, overpowering, protective, nosy and loving.  At one moment pointing out defects in your character you never knew existed and in another moment making you feel as if you could rule the world.  Here, the idea and the real came together. I know that our family was her one true passion, the thing she cherished the most. I know it because of the way cared for us and always seem to put us first. In the beginning I did not always see that, or help to make it happen, but later, as we grew together I came to love her even more for it.  You see, she not only made a family for our children, but for me too.  I mean she showed me what real family is all about, she gave me new understanding.  Folks may think I am the head of our family, probably because I am the loudest, but the true power is in Donna and how she shapes our family, even now.  There’s no replacement for this and that’s where the pain and hurt comes in. Missing that, knowing it is no longer here leaves a hole that cannot be filled.  This is the most tragic thing of all for us.  I don’t have all the words to express it right, I don’t know the correct phrases that can ‘make it all better’, they all seen so inadequate. 

But I do have my own idea.  My idea of this blog as a form of therapy for me and the family.  My idea to relay some of the memories I have of her. My idea that mabey this will make the transition easier. My challenge is to do this without elevating her to sainthood.  We're all human beings, with all the shortcomings humans have.  In that regard, I recognize I’m prejudiced, so if I forget sometimes, forgive me.  This is new territory for me and I’m still learning how to integrate this part of my life into the rest.

How to come to terms with the fact that this is life.  It’s a scary thought, this self examination, this fitting in of all of the pieces, but it has to be done.  Mabey that's the idea behind our lives, to work through the various challenges that come our way.  I don't think that's all life's about, but certainly it plays a large part in it. 


Perhaps we become better human beings by overcoming them.
       

pax

_________________________________________________

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings