118-Time

                                                                                                                               

Someone said “ after all those years it must be really hard living without your partner…”.  I replied with some canned response which I cannot remember now.  Later when I recalled the conversation I really thought about what had been asked.  It related depth of feeling with time…I’m not sure it matters.  Do the people who truly care for  and love each other and have been together for 2 years love one another any less that the people who have been together for 20 years?  Is the effects of a loss after 20 years greater than that of 2 years?

Yes I’m sure the time factor has impact, yet I believe that once that moment has happened, once that look has been passed, once you know in your mind of minds and hearts of hearts that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, win, lose, or draw, then loss at any time after that moment, would be equally devastating. Sadly many of us never get the joy of meeting that person and having that type of relationship, it’s sad.  I can never forget that I am blessed that it happened for me.

As I remember our adventure together, it calms me, reminds me that I have much to be grateful for, even more than the time...it helps me carry this bowling ball I feel I have in my stomach. Many of Donna's last moments were filled with us reminding her how beautiful she was, and how she had always taken care of everyone else and it was our turn to take care of her now. Letting her know that we only wanted peace for her. For sure she became annoyed at the constant attention and would attempt to scold us (to no avail) but we wanted her to be certain that we all loved her and wanted to do anything we could for her.

Staggering through this grief, I find myself on the verge of tears one moment and eerily serene the next. The roller coaster. Sorting through papers, going through clothes (requiring you touch almost every piece...)reliving events related to these things, they relate to time, “…you wore this when we….....”; they  evoke powerful emotions and can release the dogs of misery and despair. It is up to me to remember that this is a part of the gift of life, that every portion of it has to be honestly and equally celebrated to be enjoyed.  We always talked about that. 

In going over all of this it has occurred to me just what we were involved in here, helping to build, affect, and shape a part of someone else's life and having ours shaped as well. Mabey we don't think about it, but weaving our own life into that of that special person at the deepest emotional level involves all sorts of dynamics; I really am only discovering how deep this really goes and how it appears to be a critical part of our human nature, and relates to our own individual selves. It is impossible to go back to that 'before' person, it would diminish the power and effect that our special ones had on our lives. It had not came to mind until a few days after Donna died that for the first time since I was 18, I am making decisions about the future of my life, totally on my own; I don't have to worry about how this or that will affect her, she's taken care of.

I don't want to think in terms of ME, not  after all these years of WE, that is foreign, almost unknown to my mind. I want the 'WE'll be there...',  'yes, WE can make it...', that's what I should be saying. It crushes me that those phrases no longer seem to apply.  Assembling these pieces into a new life is a tough chore.  The instructions are unclear to me, and, in my present state of mind how well can it be put together?  It is said that you should keep some part of yourself for yourself when you're in a relationship. But my parts became her parts, and her parts became my parts, and at some point they became 'OUR' parts.  
The word 'We', turned around and upside down becomes 'Me', and that really has become ME at this time, turned all around and upside down. It all becomes too much to take in, too much to think about right now.

 Accepting that and learning to live with it appears to be my greatest challenge

Pax

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go), my dear…” -eecummings