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“No longer being first in someone else's life is one of the toughest
parts of this journey of grief we must take”.-
When I first read this I was devastated. When the magnitude of the
implications involved became a bit clearer, I was forced to confront it.
There’s no one who will be thinking about me, about what I need, about what I
want, first. It had never occurred to me that I am not first in someone else’s mind anymore (or at least
in the mind of the person I WANT to be in).
I can see now just how blessed I have been. How I could ever forget it is still a mystery
(from her: “ I always put you first…”). Wonder how
many times I’ve heard that, no matter, it is the truth. During this time of confusion and fog, that is the one thing I am fairly certain of, that
I was first in her life. Not many of us
get to experience that; we lucky few who do, have an obligation to recognize
the sacrifices made on our behalf. For
we surely can’t deserve them. This is not a debate about the merits of such a
situation, that, I will leave to greater minds than mine, I want to speak of it
as a fact of my life and of the fact that if someone chooses to do that for you,
put you first, that should demonstrate how much they care and love you. Donna
was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I only can hope that I was
able to show her how much I love and appreciated her.
Came across this (not in original form)...
>>“Where is my best friend? The one I told everything to, the one that believed in me, the one that was my biggest fan? Where is the one I did things with, the one that held me and made me feel all was right with the world? And how do I survive without her? Why is it I feel time took some of the edge off but no more? I am too young to spend the next however many years, alone; how did I end up like this? How do I get through this next year without her? I wouldn't mind any of the struggles if I had her to go through it with. How do I do the rest of this time? And I realized, too, that while we who grieve need that space and time to do it in, we also cannot become someone who is simply waiting to die. Our spouse's death has aged us, taken much of the brightness from our lives. But, to quote Tennyson, "while much is taken, much remains. There is much yet we still can do..."
The world is not the waiting room for heaven, hell, or death. It is the place we live. It is the place we build. It is the place we love. And it is high time I got back to it.
There will still be days I weep. There will still be days I get angry at the unfairness of it all. There will still be days I grieve. But I will no longer cease to live.”-<<
Those of us who are fortunate enough to have found that person, that
‘friend’ should treasure them jealously, remind them often of how important they are
to us and show them that they are first in OUR lives too. This is a special
relationship. As I mentioned before,
many of us never know this type of love and devotion and those of us who have,
are given a special responsibility.
It’s scary going forward with this realization, the thought that I
might somehow be 2nd or third
or…not at all in someone’s else’s life. The thought that I may not find that
status again; I don’t want to be 2nd, or whatever, I’m used to being
first, I liked being first, she convinced me I DESERVED to be first. I’m
told it’s all part of this process, this grief, these uncomfortable
realizations, this coming to terms with a different type of life. More of the
human drama, played out live and in color, doesn’t matter if you like it or
not, there it is.
There’s a line from a song Judy
Collins sings,
“ …I’ve looked at love
from both sides now, from win and lose and still somehow, it’s loves illusions
I recall, I really don’t know love at all…”
(from the song Both Sides Now).
pax
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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never
without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings
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