"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
~ Dr Seuss
Those are tough words to try and live by at a time like this,
but I am putting them in my survival toolbox because they make sense to
me. I think Dr. Seuss has something more to offer than a cat, a hat, and some green eggs (I believe he also worked on breaking codes for the U.S during WW2). I guess that’s what the grief
process is suppose to do for us…Show us how to live with our memories. When I began to realize how serious this was
I tried to find out all I could about it; what did other people do in the same
situation, what websites were out there, are there any forums for grief? Fortunately they are there. A lot of the insights I am gaining from these sources have also gone into that toolbox. I see how much I need them.
There is one thing I’m noticing, there’s a lot of talk and
discussion about ‘getting over this grief’. I don’t think that’s going to happen for me. What’s more likely is
that I will learn to live with the grief, learn to get through it without it
paralyzing me for the rest of my life.
But I really think the phrase should be “Don’t cry too
much because it’s over…” because as I’m finding out, there will
be crying, we just don’t want to end up crying for the rest of our lives. I can smile too, only a little at this point,
but still I’m finding it possible. So
now when the memories come, I let them; the bad ones I try to counter with a
memory of something that makes me smile, we’ll see how it goes. It may or may not work, but I have to give it
a try. I guess it goes back to the ‘let
go of the pain, not the person..’thing. A few months ago as
Donna and I were having breakfast at a local popular spot, she noticed
that I had been watching her…’what’s wrong, got something on my face?’ she
asked. I said her no, she didn't. I really had been
watching how she had been moving her food around, preparing it for the next
plunge of the fork. But she was self conscious now and took out a small mirror
to check her face. As I had been
watching I was thinking about how I would soon miss being with her like this,
having a simple meal, watching her eating rituals. I knew then we were creating
a memory and even then I had thought about how I might feel when I thought
about this breakfast at a later date. I’m
not sure how much thinking along those lines she did, thought about us making memories, but I know
I did…a lot. At that time I had not
given much thought about how it would make me feel. I had assumed that when I recalled times like
this it would make me smile with joy. It
never occurred to me that there would be pain along with the memories.
Last year around Valentine’s day I remember
we were going through a ‘quiet’ time (read argument), I had already ordered her something
before this quiet time began and it arrived a few days before the 14th,
actually she had signed for it, given it to me, and I had sat it on the bench
at the foot of our bed as if were a part I had ordered, it was in an ordinary brown box. Anyway, on the actual date, as I was leaving
out that morning, I saw a card she had left on my hat sometime during the night. I had already decided I was going to give her
the gift when I got in from work. I gave
it to her when I got in, told her that despite whatever was going on, I loved
her and I hoped she liked it. She gave
me a hug and mumbled something. Soon we
were talking, just talking. I remember
telling her that no matter what she said, or how much we disagreed, I loved her
and always would. That whatever part I
played in the cause of the current ‘silence’, I apologize for, and we should
let it go. I had been thinking all day
about our situation, and realized that we didn’t have the time for long drawn
out ‘I’ve got to win’ battles.
I remember thinking how I did not want to remember this moment and feel
bad about it. I’m sure we both did a lot
of that type of thinking over the last 4 years, and it helped keep our
disagreements to a minimum. The point
here is, I remember consciously making those type of decisions in that
circumstance with regard to it being a future memory. So now I can think of that specific time frame without guilt
or regrets. It's not as painful as it might have been. We are blessed because we
knew time was limited and we had no time for long, drawn out
disagreements. What had to be said was
said, it was up to us how long we would allow it to keep us in a bad
place. As Valentine’s day approaches
again, I can remember the day and not be totally wiped out.
This perhaps is what the grieving process does, allows us to
learn how to deal with the loss and the memories that go along with it, without
all the pain. I sure hope so. I’m sure
we are not designed to constantly be trapped in the initial burst of disbelief
and shock. So, I continue to work on
putting the pieces into place; trying to recognize the unfamiliar bits and
understanding how they fit in a ‘new, different life’. The children and I speak about this grieving often,
me, trying to get a pulse on where they
are emotionally, them probably trying to see how close the old man is to cutting his throat. The things that are affecting me,
are affecting them, only differently. This is truly a
family affair.
We all are trying to learn how not cry because
it’s over, but to smile because we know we are blessed to have the memory of
Donna happen to us…
pax
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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never
without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings
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