Happy KnewYear

         

''If I could save time in a bottle, The first thing that I'd like to do, Is to save everyday,

Till Eternity passes away, Just to spend them with you...''                                                                         ('Time In a Bottle' - Jim Croce, 1973)

A year ago, during this time, we were starting the final watch for DJ; in the previous two months she had slowed considerably, the disease was finally showing it's full effects. It was just a little under four years previous, that we had learned she was a victim of a terminal disease.  At that time we had went to the Emergency room for what we thought was a simple, but prolonged shoulder pain. Then, it was suspected that there was something a lot more serious going on, and over the next 48 hours that suspicion was confirmed: Colon cancer, which had metastasized to the liver.  We were told then, 4-6 years, with the doctor saying at that time, ''...if we make it to four years, I would consider that great...''. Of course we were devastated...we listened as the doctor continued in her quiet steady tone, describing things we never actually heard, not that day...they would have to be repeated to us later, later after we had went through that time of experiencing together at first, the sheer terror of just what this really meant; our time together, after 45+ years, would be coming to an end. A day or two later, after being told of the results of the most recent tests, and having been given the prognosis, we walked out of the medical building...stunned, we were in a state of pure shock and disbelief.  Sitting in the car, we hugged each other and cried together for quite some time...those tears were the raw physical expression of the deep sense of terror and helplessness we both felt; they, being the only recourse to learning of such painful news.


As I recall those first mind numbing and foggy days, I am struck that we did  not disintegrate completely. As I drove back to our house, barely seeing through tears and the rain, my mind was racing; Damn!, we had just been told DJ was going to die...and we knew just about when it would happen!! I will not attempt to describe the sense of immediate panic which invaded and overtook my mind, I am not versed well enough to convey the true feelings that assaulted my mental framework, saying it was complete is the best I can offer. I mean we generally understood that we all die, but this...this is not what we had expected...I don't know what we expected...but this is what we had. As I drove the familiar route back to our house, I looked around, at the passing cars, the people, the buildings...especially the buildings and other inanimate things, I thought about how most of those things would still be there when DJ was gone...I made a mental note of the broken corner of the large lighted bulb and Neon sign which stood in the parking lot of the drug store near our house; over the next four years I would take special note of that broken corner as I would have need to be in and out of that parking lot often during that time. 

Later that day, as we sat on the couch in our living room, holding one another and both of us crying inconsolably, attempting to reassure each other that somehow, we would make it through this together, my mind continued to be bombarded with all manner of wild and up until then, unimaginable thoughts. There was a meeting scheduled with the doctor two days hence, when a course of treatment would be prescribed, but now with the fresh rawness of the situation stinging in our brains, it was just she and I, crying, trying to speak, only half making sense with anything we said. We sat on that couch like that for the rest of the afternoon, eventually falling to sleep...waking only when the early winter shadows crept across the room, changing the light patterns on our faces...

In taking this time, now, to review this past year and all that has happened, I am attempting to acknowledge, along with many of the other firsts which have occurred, a lot of the new things that me and my family have had to come to terms with in the absence of DJ, as well as some of the effects that absence has produced. My thoughts about the entire episode has varied from the shock and anguish of those first early days of knowing to the minutes and seconds I finally counted as DJ took her last breaths, to the more recent thoughts of realizing  that I was becoming comfortable with the fact that she is no longer here. In recalling those first few days after we were told, I can remember how we sat and talked about what she wanted to happen, about how her main concerns were our children and me, and not being in pain. DJ expressed some dismay over her car, the house, and seemingly small and probably to some, insignificant things. In my mind the only real concern I had was how to make that time which was left, truly the best years of her life, as far as humanly possible. We are of modest means, but I was determined to try and do whatever was humanly possible to make each day a smile-day for her, I hope I succeeded. 

October first is DJ's birthday, but I have decided that this day, this year cannot have any more hurt, no more pain than it did last year as I watched her, as she sat in a wheelchair, trying to enjoy the family and friends whom had gathered to celebrate her special day, but she was failing fast. It has to be this way for me; each day since the last one she was last on this earth, has held it's own particular hell for me, and to ascribe that any single day, as being more painful than another, would seem to me to be improper, they all hurt; some different than others, but all of them, causing that damn pain...a couple of weeks later, Thanksgiving dinner was held at our house as it always has been, tho it was held early, with our two daughters and son doing most of the cooking; our Christmas tree had also been put up. The regular compliment of extended family members were present, all doing their best to maintain an air of normalcy in that very unnatural situation, even down to hiding portions of one of the desserts to insure that seconds might be enjoyed later; there always seem to be one favorite of which there never is enough of and this was an old pasttime at our family dinners.  It was a fine meal and for the most part we ate and talked, and laughed, and made fun of one another as we always did at this time. DJ, also, in that wheelchair, ate her fill and chimed in on the banter.  Later during the meal, as everyone was enjoying dessert, I sat on the couch in the living room looking into the dining room at DJ as she sat at the far end of the table talking to one family member, then another; she looked sick...it was one of the few times I had been able to really acknowledge that. For most of the previous four years she had maintained her weight, looked full and vivacious and I knew we had been fortunate in that we had been able to do a lot of the things we wanted to.

Oh, this year, the beginning of summer, our special time, did bring me a few weepy days at it's onset, days when tears actually flowed, but this was not because of any increase in the pain or sadness I felt, it was more of me allowing the expression of those constant companions to be loosed in more familiar ways, me, learning to let the tears flow. None of the days commonly designated as special, last Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, not one of them made me feel any worse than I already did at those points in time. Thus, my birthday in May, our children's birthdays during the months of September and October, our Wedding Anniversary in that same October month, cannot provide any more hurt than did the day she died; for me it is just that simple...and complex...  These days will come again and if I'm alive, I will endure and survive their passage with the hope that the pain of them, will have lessened, but I thoroughly understand, there will be some pain. I have read and heard about the powerful emotions which can be evoked at these times, how the days leading up to some of those special days can place us back on that roller coaster even quicker than the actual day.  In recognizing what I could not control about this entire process, I also understood something about some of the things I could control...I also understand that the actual work of exercising that control about those things which I can affect, is really left up to me; so I've chosen to try and not let my memories of our special days together force me back into the area of deeper pain and sorrow, the simple fact that DJ is not here with me now, each and every day is pain enough and will last me my lifetime; it is not like the memory of her I have right this second will be any more or less painful when I have it on her birthday, our children's birthdays, or the anniversary of the date we were first married. I won't expose myself to that possibility. The point of this entire exercise, this 'active grieving' as I embarked upon it, was to find out how to keep the memories of DJ and let go of so much of the pain; to a large extent I have been able to do that. I have found a level of tolerance which allows me to remember and not eye the beckoning of that open window with desire.  At one point in my life I may have been looking for many things at the bottom of a bottle, but it never occurred to me that I might ever want to place a portion of time in one, and never, never open it. 


So, at the one year mark of DJ's passing, life is still moving forward, during that time, life for me and the family has truly been a roller coaster; for me, from facing the challenges offered by open windows and inviting ledges to realizing the good fortune I have had, despite the loss of DJ. For sure, for a while I felt as if I was suspended, floating, being carried along to where, I knew not, filled with pain, sorrow and doubts on an order of magnitude I would not have believed existed; days and nights of stark realizations and moments of serious self doubt have vied with my need to find a way to live this different life with hope. Having forced myself to deal with almost every memory of our life together that I can recall, DJ is still, constantly with me and I have managed to find a way to carry her in my heart without the weight of the pain of missing, having me crippled from doing so. As I write all of this, it is with the clear knowledge that I am not done with the process, that tho some measure of acceptance has been achieved, I probably can expect more, unexpected and new emotions to claim space in my mental storehouse. But such is the way of life for me now, the way of a different living experience. I have recognized that it is totally up to me whether that experience is to be a struggle or not. All of this has been my solution to the struggle with moving on, it is serving it's purpose for me; that others may find some or all of it useful in their own journey is benignly, academic, we all know that in this matter one solution does not fit all.  It has been a way for me to come to terms with all which has happened and to try an attain some acceptance in an attempt to move forward with a sense of purpose. In this matter of passing time, it is a reminder on the larger scale that it may all be about time; from that second we are born to this present moment , all of us begin dying...that we try to live in that intervening span is what makes up or lives, our 'living', and in the end, our memories, at least that's the way I've chosen to view it...it works for me.


So the matter of passing time and certain dates will have to be put in a safe place for me, as does this notion that I'm to be overly burdened with extra weight on those certain days...along with memories of DJ, our life together and the many things we experienced, marking the passage of time will have to have it's niche, that place where my visiting it allows for the acknowledging of it without so much of the pain. This is much easier to recognize and deal with now, much easier than back then...back in those hellish hours and days after November 8, 2011, 2:45 a.m. when paradoxically, time appeared stopped, yet seemed to blow right past me, all at once, right before my own eyes. A point in the time of my life that will forever have the second hand of my heart and mind fixed at that precise moment with such clarity that it often seems surreal; but I know it is not, it is quite real and that fixed moment appears to be quite permanent. This is how this matter of the passage of time and the various special dates are being handled by me; it can only apply to me and may not offer much to others; probably, that is as it should be.  I think we each have to make our own decisions, come to our conclusions as far as these things are concerned, because after all, this is the most personal of events to have happened in each of our unique lives, it is only fitting that the solutions for each of us carry the same uniqueness. Finding out how to move forward in this different life remains the challenge for each of us, past time, past grief, past our own interfering ways...to arrive at that place where acceptance can be gained, and a lifestyle of less pain is the norm. 

This is something I believe we have to brew and bottle for our own selves in our own time.


   

kNew2mE

'' Tonight I'll sing my songs again, I'll play the game and pretend, hmmm... But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me....Homeward bound, I wish I was...'' 

('Homeward Bound', Paul Simon - 1965)

It has been mentioned here previously that I beleive I am gaining some measure of acceptance regarding the death of DJ; this, after some months of trying to understand just what her loss really means for me and just how it fits into my entire life in general. I found myself focusing on more than just the fact of her death and my reaction to it. For me, first there was the question of continuing at all...did I even want to carry on at all without her?  it was never a matter of if I could make it alone, it was, and continues to be if I wanted to. This required some long and detailed probing of my mind, the type of examination we normally do not undertake, it was only even attempted because of the current extreme circumstances. To say it was revealing is to not give the exerscise it's just due. After exhausting just about every avenue that I could think of about DJ's death which I could identify in my limited mind, I came to the corner of myself and life; and just how I had been shaped by my experience with DJ and our life together. Thoughts about how I felt it was so tragic for me and our family, to be deprived of her presence, about just how would I and our family go forward from here. Many times the entire idea was so new, so foreign as to be not totally comprehensible...Of course, in my mind, in a setting regarding anyone else, I could offer rational, seemingly well reasoned explanations; ''...hey, it's the way of the world''...''yes, life is hard, then you die''...'' well, it's really out of our control''....

Those are all, reasonably accurate thoughts on the death of someone, anyone, and I know I have mouthed them to countless others in an attempt to appear philosophically detached, and  reasoned in my thoughts. But trying to accept and apply these same so-called pearls of wisdom to my own situation, was totally meaningless. It did not do one thing to ease the pain, lessen the impact, or diminish the raw anguish that DJ's death brought home to me. Thinking about all of this in terms of my own life, revealed just how shallow and uncaring I must have appeared to those to whom I spoke such things as, ''...keep living, it'll get better''...or ''...everybody gets a turn...''; how insensitive and ignorant I must have sounded when I said ''...suck it up, we have to move on...'', those are truly the words of a novice to the pain and hurt of deep personal loss.  As Simon poetically declares, ''...all my words come back to me, in shades of mediocrity...'', and they exposed the limits of much of my understanding concerning, not only the cost of human loss, but of life itself. As I thought about all of this, those phrases and many more I had offered in my feeble attempts to appear all knowing came back to mock me and force me to apply an entirely new dimension of understanding to our family's loss and to my own life.

Believing that only the most honest of efforts in this would yield any meaningful results, I had to face the truth that yes, there is still much for me to learn. My lack of perception in this area would make 'Shallow Hal' appear to be Rodin's idea for 'The Thinker' in comparison. Intellectually I understood about the cycle of life and death, how all of nature really revolves around this cycle; the changing seasons, the struggle of wildlife to survive and the natural culling which takes place there, I even understood the need for the naturally occurring wildfires which blaze the paths for renewal and new growth.  These things I was aware of and had decided I understood them well, but this latest turn of nature's screw revealed my total ignorance of the true human dimensions involved in close personal loss. As I think about DJ and live a captive to the many emotions her loss can trigger, my shortcomings in understanding and the feelings of remorse for ever having been so arrogant, adds even more to the pangs of distress at times. My program dictates that I cannot make resolutions; I have to make decisions...in going over all of this I decided that an attitude adjustment for me is in order.  I can imagine that all of this is no doubt also related to my latest realization that I am able to glimpse the edges of acceptance.  In trying to adopt a new design for living in this different life, that adjustment will be necessary; the old way of thinking, the old expectations will do me no good as life has completely changed. It is understood by me that a huge psychological shift has to take place, and almost every aspect of life as I once knew will have to be viewed in a totally different light. Today I can be grateful for the life I shared with DJ, for all the many things we shared, for the love and caring she displayed towards me over the years. To question ''...why me...?'' does not come to mind...why not me? I am not greater or lesser than anyone else, except in my own mind.  That I am dealing with and trying to accept DJ's death as the natural order of things imparts no special status to me, I am merely one of many who are enduring the same situation and probably looking for the same answers I am unable to come up with, or totally accept...yet. Yes, the journey is painful, and i believe that is as it should be, we have suffered great personal loss and that hurt reflects the depths of our caring and commitment to the ones we loved. But I don't believe we are preordained to endure this agony forever; I don't think we are built to live that way.

This is not my first encounter with having to face this shifting, this realignment of my thinking process on a major scale; at another stage in my life, when I was ending another long term affair, one with John Barlycorn, it was suggested that I would have to initiate and maintain just such a psychological shift if I intended to remain sober. At that time I was able to do that with the help of  a program and the grace of a power greater than myself; having my first taste of alcohol in 21 years on that New Year's eve of 2010, with DJ, as we both suspected, tho did not discuss, that it would probably be her last one here on this earth. At that time I thought it was important that she understood that the last drink she ever knew I took, was with her, and I didn't act a damn fool afterwards. We shared that small sip of champagne, and enjoyed the hours after and the breakfast that followed; it will always be one of the most treasured memories I have of us. There was no mediocrity or mocking in that thought, or in those words we spoke that evening or the following morning.

With the faint rays from the light of acceptance starting to break through the fog of grief, I feel more than ready to challenge my previous way of thinking and of looking at life. For me, the challenge will be to remain true to honest, open and willing approaches to it; to try and remember that selfish Fred cannot help much here.  I will need to remember the in-adequateness I first felt as I thought about trying to live in this different life. The uneasiness I felt about my own previous, insensitive and often flip remarks regarding the intricate march of life and all it brings to us, needs to be a constant reminder to me that this process is about more than simply mourning the loss of DJ; It can be an opportunity to embrace an entirely different new way (for me anyways) of viewing and processing the many events which life presents to us. It truly feels strange dealing with the idea that I am at ease with the absence of DJ, but I'm convinced that it is part of how the different life must be. The hope I feel bathing me, along with those fledgling rays of acceptance is fresh, promising, and I am totally welcoming it. Having once thought that that those early feelings of pain and terror would be with me always, I now welcome the comforting thought that not only is hope possible for the different life, but I'm actually beginning to feel it!  The feeling for me palpable, tho not detectable by my usual tactile receptors; this is an inner knowing, the start of a personal awareness I wish for all those suffering this journey. I believe it is what we are all hoping to find at the end of our paths; an emotional state where the living of the different life without our partners is possible without so much FUD, fear, uncertainty or doubt. And of course without the gripping pain which besieged us in those early days and weeks. Lest the wrong impression be left concerning all of this, it must be stated here, these feelings of hope and promise for our different life, this gaining of acceptance will not erase the various issues which are destined to remain part of our lives, anyone's life; there will be things for which, at the time, we will have no answers; the pitfalls which surround our everyday rituals will still continue to be present and will have to be dealt with.  I am hoping that this reorganizing of our thoughts around a new perspective, bestowed upon us as a result of our grief, will better prepare us to carry a more healthy and resilient psyche into our different lives and allow us to better deal with the  memories of those who are no longer with us and with the many situations of everyday life.  

To me, I want, no...I need this excursion through grief to result in more than a coming to terms with the loss of DJ;  I need it to be a portal through which I pass and emerge on the other side with a better understanding of not only myself, but life, and others also.  It is my desire that I am able to display, in real terms the message of hope and promise; that I not fear expanding  my own narrow perspective to be able to better understand events and those other human beings around me; that we can realize that between life and death there is living and we should embrace every second of it, be it good, bad, or indifferent. These are the things this glimpse of acceptance has offered to my mind and about which I am concentrating on now.  I do not expect to become perfect, but in the process I may become a more perfect human being or, at the very least, a better person...this is part of the hope I have in this different life, for all of us, as we find new homes there, bound to our past by memories, but able to move forward, not in spite of, but because of them, towards a new home in the different life.

Pax

______________________________________________________________________

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go), my dear…” -eecummings

1 Flew Over The WidowedNet

   


          ''...come on people now, smile on your brother,     everybody get together, try to love one another right now...''   - (The Youngbloods, 1969)                                              

More than 41 years after I had last walked off of an airplane, I was sitting in Chicago's Midway airport waiting to board another one, altho we had traveled a lot, this would be the first plane ride since that time, and I was traveling alone, without DJ. The reasons for having need of an airplane at all were totally different, the scene which presented itself was fairly familiar, the airport could have been the same one I sat in back in Washington state those many years ago; to me, they all look the same. But for certain, a lifetime has passed since I had last been in the same circumstance; DJ's lifetime. Back then, those many years ago when I exited the airplane at that time, I was also exiting from a world of hurt, pain and death, the war in SouthEast Asia was still raging...After having been fed a steak dinner, given all pay due to me, and a first class plane ticket to Chicago, I had been separated from the service. I had promptly went to the ticket agent and asked for a refund on the ticket. The agent had said that was impossible...I explained to him that I knew nothing was impossible, ( I had been proving that for the last 13 months and 21 days) and that unless he wanted a derelict veteran aboard his plane, he might want to reconsider.  Later with cash from the ticket in my pocket, I had asked an MP patrolling the place, where the nearest train station was...after a cab wait and ride I was in the train station buying a ticket for Chicago. Over the next more than two days, myself and two other Eastbound vets raised hell on that train for most of the way across the country; drinking, flirting and generally causing all kinds of disruptions to the running of a railroad.  In my rush to revelry, I had forgotten to mention this change of traveling plans to DJ, who was waiting, frantically, for me to arrive 3 days earlier. Later, I would learn that she had been in such a panic when I did not arrive at the time I had originally told her...that she had bombarded the Post Locator at Ft. Lewis, Washington, and other military personnel with all manner of abuse for having misplaced me. Probably because of the length of our separation, I was not subject to the same behavior from her.
But all that had been back then...now, I was waiting to board a plane to visit some very new and at the same time, somehow, familiar friends.  The trip had been persuaded upon me by one of these friends, and as I sat there thinking, I was glad I had decided to make the trip East. This was coming at a time when I was starting to gain some degree of acceptance in my life.  The pain of DJ's death is easing, and the future can be viewed with some measure of hope by my struggling mind. Having been invited to stay overnite by a fellow widower, we both were to attend a gathering of widows to share and care for a couple of days at his home. The widower's mother has also been made a widow recently, and there was to be other widowed folks from a local group. The actual flight East was fairly routine and the good friend whom had said she would meet me at the airport, did so on time, and we were off. This entire undertaking was a major step for me; normally I do not seek to make new friends as I find that meeting and chit chatting with folks is most times a superficial exercise leading nowhere fast. But, because of this special friend who was meeting me at the airport, and a few others I have met along the journey we have shared so far, I had thought that maybe meeting and getting to know these people was a good idea. Before, when it was DJ and I, the need to engage in such activity was unnecessary, we appear to have provided one another with all the things necessary for us to keep the attention of the other without much outside assistance. Maybe we were limiting ourselves, who knows, who cares, we enjoyed each other, and I miss her dearly. Today all that has changed, and heading into a different life will require me to acknowledge that having others in my life, especially those who have experienced a similar circumstance, is probably the best thing which will have happened to me, this, helping to keep that ever present open window at arms length...at the very least.
I had no real trepidation about heading East, I figured the best that could happen would be that I had a 50/50 chance of winding up seeing DJ again, and the worse thing would be that I would meet some folks I had come to know online, and others, who are enduring this same process, actually, a win-win situation.  As I sat in the terminal going over all of this, I could not help but be reminded of how I felt all those years ago...how after having been away from home and DJ for over a year at that time, had made me so anxious and nervous...almost to the point of physical illness.  Our son had been born while I was away, and I knew I had changed tremendously from that 19 year old city boy who had left such a seemingly long and short time ago. I thought about how, I understood that I had changed, and that led me to wonder and think about just how much DJ had changed also...and yes, there had been changes. Now, as the hour for the flight to take off and land me in that Eastern city neared, I thought about how I had changed since the death of DJ; for sure I no longer knew everything, and my desire to embrace solitude had left me a while back.  After having reached out and finding my needs being served by some of these very same people I was going to meet, I felt more than ready to do so, yet a bit intimidated as well. 
As I say, all of this was occurring at a point where i have begun to really experience some acceptance about the DJ's death and the pall of grief that has followed; that pall, containing all the elements of every hell we can imagine, with the searing pain to badly mauled nerve endings being one sensation and the constant, dull, aching thud of shock and disbelief being slammed home as accompanying side lights. This feeling of some acceptance had built into it, the double edges of joy and more uneasiness; first, feeling so good that the journey of pain and hurt was easing a bit, but secondly, experiencing a feeling of betrayal and guilt at having been able to come to some terms with entire idea of DJ's death.  For a while this had been a quandary, at once, holding me from exposing myself to the full light of the acceptance at hand...stopping me from enjoying the benefits of having thought and pored over and, finally, giving some definition to the many emotions and mental gymnastics the process had introduced me to; then, almost demanding that I face the light of a different life with the dual beams of faith and hope which I had been seeking and found some measure of peace about. In the end, I chose not only to step towards that light, I had decided to run to it, crying, laughing, shouting and dancing!! Currently daring any notion of reverting to those dark areas of pain and fear to reappear, so that they may be dealt with on an entirely different level, we're not hiding now.  Feeling totally renewed with the idea that the future was not only possible, but was nowhere but now and here, and that I could feel good about embracing it. This heading East was a lap of that run, and I am in it, going flat out. The time for feeling sad and blue was done...for a while anyway, there are new horizons to seek, and new joys to behold, exploring the indulgence in them on this visit was the primary goal, and I would not be disappointed.
Landing at Newark Liberty airport, I was met, on time, by one of my hosts, a new best friend whom I had never met in the flesh, but with whom I have experienced many personal and profound aspects of our journey through grief. Those watching us hug and babble profusely surely could have thought one or the other of us had just returned from a long ago forgotten expedition or at the very  least, an unintended, extended stay in some horrible situation, from which we believed we would never have escaped; so it was. Our drive to the meetup destination was filled with tears of joy and broken sentences in our attempts to release the tensions of expectations and pure satisfaction at finally meeting face to face. It was a ride just long enough for us to finally settle into a conversation bordering on intelligent, with the necessary points of information and perceived notions about the other, being sent and received in turn. Tears flowed as we both talked with almost disbelief that we were actually meeting, this, after much hemming and hawing on my part, and threats of encouragement that this had to happen on the other part. I had a new best friend for real...the first in over maybe 30 years, and I know it is genuine.
Arriving at our destination, we were greeted by our widowed host, and his mother, also a widow, both delightful people, and mom, a great cook to boot!...more gushing and hugging ensued with the tears building behind all of our eyes, with some spilling out as physical testimony to the deep emotions being generated and felt, even tho for all practical purposes, we were total strangers. Over the course of the rest of that day, and all of the next, others in our like situation arrived, some online friends from this very site with whom we have exchanged, either by email or chat, or through the various forums and groups; and some from a local ''MeetUp Group'', established by a member of this site and steadily growing. Some drove from fairly distant places, or like me, took a plane in to be present.  We sat and talked of our individual experiences and challenges...all, focused around this common thread of grief, and shared openly. Despite the gravity of the central focus I felt exhilarated, joyful, Mercy!...down right happy!! Happy to be out, among ''friends'', with those folks who ''Get IT'', out in that damn sun! There is no backtracking at this point...others felt it...it was in the air; the festive atmosphere could not be denied, and I was loving it, dancing in the sun once again. Yes, we all shared our individual experiences, we divulged the personal anguish of those sometimes hopeful, but unsure times; those soul baring moments when stark reality slams us right in the face and the facts cannot be denied; being it the moment which one of those present described, as her own realization, when she went to help her spouse rise, and felt the enormity of his total weight bearing on her, a scenario I can relate to, for it is a telling moment in my own history with DJ...that moment when tho, awake and talking, she could not assist me in raising her, to that second, when the hard realization is known that they are no longer with us, and disbelief is an immediate companion for some time.  That moment brought tears to her and others as we rallied around the speaker of that slice of her life; each fully understanding the impact such a moment has, and the speaker, knowing full well that we all understood perfectly. Even through this, there was the Sunshine...the tears were not so much of pain, I don't think, but an expression of the deep, mutual understanding and caring for a shared moment in our common history, our human attempt to convey deep feelings when words simply fail us.
There were T-Shirts furnished by my airport driver, she had them printed with Cyan wings framing the words 'We Get It', lettered in White against a Black background...so apropos. Plenty of good food and drink was available, and I partook to almost sinful limits...again, and again; I assaulted the various pans of tasty delights, as we all did; some there making vague references to proper eating and diets, things foreign to this muddled mind of mine, as hot and cold running fruit, chocolate, & cupcakes flowed almost endlessly. Pictures were take of course, and our traveling icon for the widowed in our group, a blue cutout dress with a notable actress's head pasted on, was photographed many times with us, individually and in group settings, and prepared for her next destination, 'Flat Amy' as she is dubbed will no doubt attend many more gatherings of the widowed, her previous appearance being in San Diego.
At this point I can accept that DJ won't be returning and the pain of that thought does not paralyze me, or leaving me mentally scrambling for some safe zone to retreat to; I can stand in the light with that thought and smile through it. For me, this has been the goal of the entire trek through grief, and at this point I have no intention of surrendering that ability for any mortal reason. It can never be too soon to breakout from the boundaries which line the path of grief, I am convinced we each will do it in our own time, and that time will be the right time. Moving, changing jobs, relationships, all of these things, and the many others which make up life, can come again to us all I believe...with just a little bit of Honesty, Open-ness and Willing-ness, that is HOW I am attempting to approach all of this, having found that a generous measure of time is also a critical ingredient to the mix, it is well that we remember, the process cannot be rushed.
As the plane landed back in Chicago, and I did the necessaries to clear the airport, I thought of all of this and smiled broadly...there is something good bouncing around in my mind, and I am letting it have it's way for the time being; altho it feels familiar, it also appears to be fresh, different, and totally ''all right''. Altho traces of that background sadness remains, and the pangs of loneliness still strike, they cannot overshadow the powerful effect that the hint of acceptance has bestowed upon me. Stepping through the last door to the outside, I felt the warmth of the sun, and thought how much DJ and I loved this time of year, and smiled even more...yes, out into the sunshine, and damn, don't it feel good...!

WhoNew

A few days ago as I sat through the funeral services of a dear cousin, my mind drifted as the order of services were being executed. Memories of us growing up together flooded my mind; it was not difficult for me to attend this funeral...or any funeral, as we did not have a traditional viewing for DJ, it doesn't bother me...my last image of DJ is her laying peacefully on her lounger, in front of her TV, with her music playing, dressed in familiar clothes the entire family could recognize. This cousin and I, along with my older brother and younger sister had all pretty much grown up together. We had all lived in a large apartment complex with common facilities and cramped rooms; this was during the time was it was not unusual to walk into someones apartment and find a full-sized bed in the main room.  Shirley was the daughter of my aunt Lucy, my dad's twin, and along with our other cousin, Nate, would be in attendance to the Sunday dinners held every week by our grandmother. It is curious that I recalled that just 10 mos earlier Shirley had been on the phone with me, offering words of hope and encouragement following DJ's death; how at that time she proposed that she, my younger sister, and Nate get together for dinner, my brother now lives in another state....we had not all been together in a very long time. But back during the days of those of the cramped rooms and later, the Sunday dinners, we were constantly with each other...especially the dinners.  Aside from the fine meals which were prepared by my grandmother and aunts, we children were always entertained by Nate; he had a penchant for storytelling, and altho he and Shirley were only a few years older than the rest of us, he was able to entertain my older brother, younger sister and Shirley too with tales of amazing adventures which we would embark upon each Sunday evening as our grandmother and aunts talked of family history and decried the failings of this '' ...new modern generation...''.  Utilizing the most common of props...the base of a broken TV antenna, or a 15 cent water pistol, he would take our young minds to all manner of strange and wonderful places. Long before Star Trek, or NASA, our minds had traveled to distant planets and far away galaxies, and the war stories, where we all were agents, were always popular with us; my brother and I always managed to remember to eat meat with our left hands and we both had an impeccable German accent...it never occurred  to our young minds that we would actually stand out like the sorest of thumbs...
We had met for that dinner and talked about those times, them, also offering me the kind support that only those who intimately know you can give.  These memories came easily and without pain; it appears having gained some degree of acceptance has made recalling things easier and much less stressful. As the services continued, so did my memories; I thought about how me and my sister had been in attendance at her Sweet Sixteen birthday party years earlier, I remembered how she had reminded me of Miss America in her birthday tiara and grown up gown...about how a picture of me and my sister, taken at that party now sits prominently displayed in our home, reminding me that I can laugh at myself, and allowing others a possible laugh at me also. Later, after that party, for a few summers, I babysat Shirley's young son...enjoying a payday every two weeks; As the minister began his spiel, I thought about how Shirley had paid me those crisp green bills that very first time and had taken me to the local community department store, about how tears streamed down my face when she had me buy socks and underwear for the upcoming school year, as my vision of that gas-powered replica of Lindberg's ''Spirit of St. Louis'', sitting in a display case at a store not far from where we were, got a bit dimmer; when the nice sales lady asked if I was alright, I remember Shirley saying ''...he's o.k., he's just a nut...''.
To me it is Ironic that as the 10th month date of DJ's death approaches, I am again sorting memories of someone close to me who has moved on. The date itself provides for no greater anxiety than any other; I had decided a long time ago that I would not be a slave to the date DJ died, there is enough general anxiety to cover every damn day I have left on this earth. No doubt our memory processes and how we deal with them are an important component to our healing. As I feel more and more accepting of current facts concerning my life, I am finding that being able to put my own memories in a proper place in my mind has been a key element in allowing me recall, store, and revisit them without so much pain.  I realized recently that I had not been making myself clear when I spoke of a ''safe place'' in my mind; a lot of folks were under the impression that I meant safe from some external harm, some violation by outside sources.  Actually, it's almost just the opposite, that safe place I speak of is all about ME! It is those places I find to put memories where they reside without causing me too much pain and does not have me scrambling to approach that damn window again.  It is strictly a selfish endeavor.  These are the places I have been speaking of in these pages...those places where I can go and relive the images of my memories of DJ, Shirley, and other people and things which otherwise would be so painful to live with.
So as the soloist reached a crescendo and ended the selection, I sat there, not feeling that gnawing pain which so often accompanies attendance at such services...I thought of all the many times that we youngsters had sat, enthralled by the tales being told by Nate and how we all enjoyed them so much....I thought of the phone call Shirley had made to me within days of DJ's death, encouraging me to keep the faith and not to let hope perish with DJ...I thought of her party and remembered how all the teenagers there we dancing the latest steps and all appearing to be just so cool, with Shirley looking the coolest of them all.  As I and the other family members rose to be escorted out, I took and long last look in Shirley's direction and smiled.  Outside as family members gathered in small groups I met unknown relatives and some old friends; of course I hugged and shook hands as was necessary, but what I was really thinking about was how I was now able to have those special places in my mind, and how I could be comfortable going to them when I wanted to think of not only DJ, who is always foremost in my mind, but also, Shirley, my dad, my mom and younger brother whom all share that dubious distinction of being fond memories for me.  As this gift of acceptance continues to give, I am finding that not only am I becoming more comfortable with my ability to deal with DJ's death without entirely falling to pieces, or requiring days of bed rest, other more subtle changes in my attitude and state of mental health are occurring.  For this I am truly grateful; the panic and terror of those early days no longer hold sway in my life, and fear and doubt have been replaced with at least some glimmering hints of hope and faith. For sure the journey is not complete; at times profound loneliness appears to invade and keep center stage for days at a time; and the background sadness remains, a constant reminder that for all that is right with world today, someone special is still missing. The new way of living this different life remains a challenge, but it is a challenge for which I now feel at least half well equipped to deal with and function in. Who knew at the start of all this that this long and twisting path would lead me through so many old yet familiar memories as we move  towards what can be described as unknown numbers of possible future memories. 
As I watched Shirley being helped into the designated vehicle for her final ride, I smiled with a tear in my eye as I headed for my own car, being only slightly surprised that I didn't appear to be shrouded by that classic aura of deep sadness and hurt which had always before been a part of this time for me, at these events; evidently, the coming of acceptance brings with it many unexpected benefits, some of which I am just only now beginning to understand.