WhoNew

A few days ago as I sat through the funeral services of a dear cousin, my mind drifted as the order of services were being executed. Memories of us growing up together flooded my mind; it was not difficult for me to attend this funeral...or any funeral, as we did not have a traditional viewing for DJ, it doesn't bother me...my last image of DJ is her laying peacefully on her lounger, in front of her TV, with her music playing, dressed in familiar clothes the entire family could recognize. This cousin and I, along with my older brother and younger sister had all pretty much grown up together. We had all lived in a large apartment complex with common facilities and cramped rooms; this was during the time was it was not unusual to walk into someones apartment and find a full-sized bed in the main room.  Shirley was the daughter of my aunt Lucy, my dad's twin, and along with our other cousin, Nate, would be in attendance to the Sunday dinners held every week by our grandmother. It is curious that I recalled that just 10 mos earlier Shirley had been on the phone with me, offering words of hope and encouragement following DJ's death; how at that time she proposed that she, my younger sister, and Nate get together for dinner, my brother now lives in another state....we had not all been together in a very long time. But back during the days of those of the cramped rooms and later, the Sunday dinners, we were constantly with each other...especially the dinners.  Aside from the fine meals which were prepared by my grandmother and aunts, we children were always entertained by Nate; he had a penchant for storytelling, and altho he and Shirley were only a few years older than the rest of us, he was able to entertain my older brother, younger sister and Shirley too with tales of amazing adventures which we would embark upon each Sunday evening as our grandmother and aunts talked of family history and decried the failings of this '' ...new modern generation...''.  Utilizing the most common of props...the base of a broken TV antenna, or a 15 cent water pistol, he would take our young minds to all manner of strange and wonderful places. Long before Star Trek, or NASA, our minds had traveled to distant planets and far away galaxies, and the war stories, where we all were agents, were always popular with us; my brother and I always managed to remember to eat meat with our left hands and we both had an impeccable German accent...it never occurred  to our young minds that we would actually stand out like the sorest of thumbs...
We had met for that dinner and talked about those times, them, also offering me the kind support that only those who intimately know you can give.  These memories came easily and without pain; it appears having gained some degree of acceptance has made recalling things easier and much less stressful. As the services continued, so did my memories; I thought about how me and my sister had been in attendance at her Sweet Sixteen birthday party years earlier, I remembered how she had reminded me of Miss America in her birthday tiara and grown up gown...about how a picture of me and my sister, taken at that party now sits prominently displayed in our home, reminding me that I can laugh at myself, and allowing others a possible laugh at me also. Later, after that party, for a few summers, I babysat Shirley's young son...enjoying a payday every two weeks; As the minister began his spiel, I thought about how Shirley had paid me those crisp green bills that very first time and had taken me to the local community department store, about how tears streamed down my face when she had me buy socks and underwear for the upcoming school year, as my vision of that gas-powered replica of Lindberg's ''Spirit of St. Louis'', sitting in a display case at a store not far from where we were, got a bit dimmer; when the nice sales lady asked if I was alright, I remember Shirley saying ''...he's o.k., he's just a nut...''.
To me it is Ironic that as the 10th month date of DJ's death approaches, I am again sorting memories of someone close to me who has moved on. The date itself provides for no greater anxiety than any other; I had decided a long time ago that I would not be a slave to the date DJ died, there is enough general anxiety to cover every damn day I have left on this earth. No doubt our memory processes and how we deal with them are an important component to our healing. As I feel more and more accepting of current facts concerning my life, I am finding that being able to put my own memories in a proper place in my mind has been a key element in allowing me recall, store, and revisit them without so much pain.  I realized recently that I had not been making myself clear when I spoke of a ''safe place'' in my mind; a lot of folks were under the impression that I meant safe from some external harm, some violation by outside sources.  Actually, it's almost just the opposite, that safe place I speak of is all about ME! It is those places I find to put memories where they reside without causing me too much pain and does not have me scrambling to approach that damn window again.  It is strictly a selfish endeavor.  These are the places I have been speaking of in these pages...those places where I can go and relive the images of my memories of DJ, Shirley, and other people and things which otherwise would be so painful to live with.
So as the soloist reached a crescendo and ended the selection, I sat there, not feeling that gnawing pain which so often accompanies attendance at such services...I thought of all the many times that we youngsters had sat, enthralled by the tales being told by Nate and how we all enjoyed them so much....I thought of the phone call Shirley had made to me within days of DJ's death, encouraging me to keep the faith and not to let hope perish with DJ...I thought of her party and remembered how all the teenagers there we dancing the latest steps and all appearing to be just so cool, with Shirley looking the coolest of them all.  As I and the other family members rose to be escorted out, I took and long last look in Shirley's direction and smiled.  Outside as family members gathered in small groups I met unknown relatives and some old friends; of course I hugged and shook hands as was necessary, but what I was really thinking about was how I was now able to have those special places in my mind, and how I could be comfortable going to them when I wanted to think of not only DJ, who is always foremost in my mind, but also, Shirley, my dad, my mom and younger brother whom all share that dubious distinction of being fond memories for me.  As this gift of acceptance continues to give, I am finding that not only am I becoming more comfortable with my ability to deal with DJ's death without entirely falling to pieces, or requiring days of bed rest, other more subtle changes in my attitude and state of mental health are occurring.  For this I am truly grateful; the panic and terror of those early days no longer hold sway in my life, and fear and doubt have been replaced with at least some glimmering hints of hope and faith. For sure the journey is not complete; at times profound loneliness appears to invade and keep center stage for days at a time; and the background sadness remains, a constant reminder that for all that is right with world today, someone special is still missing. The new way of living this different life remains a challenge, but it is a challenge for which I now feel at least half well equipped to deal with and function in. Who knew at the start of all this that this long and twisting path would lead me through so many old yet familiar memories as we move  towards what can be described as unknown numbers of possible future memories. 
As I watched Shirley being helped into the designated vehicle for her final ride, I smiled with a tear in my eye as I headed for my own car, being only slightly surprised that I didn't appear to be shrouded by that classic aura of deep sadness and hurt which had always before been a part of this time for me, at these events; evidently, the coming of acceptance brings with it many unexpected benefits, some of which I am just only now beginning to understand.