''...come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now...'' - (The Youngbloods, 1969)
More than 41 years after I had last walked off of an airplane, I was sitting in Chicago's Midway airport waiting to board another one, altho we had traveled a lot, this would be the first plane ride since that time, and I was traveling alone, without DJ. The reasons for having need of an airplane at all were totally different, the scene which presented itself was fairly familiar, the airport could have been the same one I sat in back in Washington state those many years ago; to me, they all look the same. But for certain, a lifetime has passed since I had last been in the same circumstance; DJ's lifetime. Back then, those many years ago when I exited the airplane at that time, I was also exiting from a world of hurt, pain and death, the war in SouthEast Asia was still raging...After having been fed a steak dinner, given all pay due to me, and a first class plane ticket to Chicago, I had been separated from the service. I had promptly went to the ticket agent and asked for a refund on the ticket. The agent had said that was impossible...I explained to him that I knew nothing was impossible, ( I had been proving that for the last 13 months and 21 days) and that unless he wanted a derelict veteran aboard his plane, he might want to reconsider. Later with cash from the ticket in my pocket, I had asked an MP patrolling the place, where the nearest train station was...after a cab wait and ride I was in the train station buying a ticket for Chicago. Over the next more than two days, myself and two other Eastbound vets raised hell on that train for most of the way across the country; drinking, flirting and generally causing all kinds of disruptions to the running of a railroad. In my rush to revelry, I had forgotten to mention this change of traveling plans to DJ, who was waiting, frantically, for me to arrive 3 days earlier. Later, I would learn that she had been in such a panic when I did not arrive at the time I had originally told her...that she had bombarded the Post Locator at Ft. Lewis, Washington, and other military personnel with all manner of abuse for having misplaced me. Probably because of the length of our separation, I was not subject to the same behavior from her.
But all that had been back then...now, I was waiting to board a plane to visit some very new and at the same time, somehow, familiar friends. The trip had been persuaded upon me by one of these friends, and as I sat there thinking, I was glad I had decided to make the trip East. This was coming at a time when I was starting to gain some degree of acceptance in my life. The pain of DJ's death is easing, and the future can be viewed with some measure of hope by my struggling mind. Having been invited to stay overnite by a fellow widower, we both were to attend a gathering of widows to share and care for a couple of days at his home. The widower's mother has also been made a widow recently, and there was to be other widowed folks from a local group. The actual flight East was fairly routine and the good friend whom had said she would meet me at the airport, did so on time, and we were off. This entire undertaking was a major step for me; normally I do not seek to make new friends as I find that meeting and chit chatting with folks is most times a superficial exercise leading nowhere fast. But, because of this special friend who was meeting me at the airport, and a few others I have met along the journey we have shared so far, I had thought that maybe meeting and getting to know these people was a good idea. Before, when it was DJ and I, the need to engage in such activity was unnecessary, we appear to have provided one another with all the things necessary for us to keep the attention of the other without much outside assistance. Maybe we were limiting ourselves, who knows, who cares, we enjoyed each other, and I miss her dearly. Today all that has changed, and heading into a different life will require me to acknowledge that having others in my life, especially those who have experienced a similar circumstance, is probably the best thing which will have happened to me, this, helping to keep that ever present open window at arms length...at the very least.
I had no real trepidation about heading East, I figured the best that could happen would be that I had a 50/50 chance of winding up seeing DJ again, and the worse thing would be that I would meet some folks I had come to know online, and others, who are enduring this same process, actually, a win-win situation. As I sat in the terminal going over all of this, I could not help but be reminded of how I felt all those years ago...how after having been away from home and DJ for over a year at that time, had made me so anxious and nervous...almost to the point of physical illness. Our son had been born while I was away, and I knew I had changed tremendously from that 19 year old city boy who had left such a seemingly long and short time ago. I thought about how, I understood that I had changed, and that led me to wonder and think about just how much DJ had changed also...and yes, there had been changes. Now, as the hour for the flight to take off and land me in that Eastern city neared, I thought about how I had changed since the death of DJ; for sure I no longer knew everything, and my desire to embrace solitude had left me a while back. After having reached out and finding my needs being served by some of these very same people I was going to meet, I felt more than ready to do so, yet a bit intimidated as well.
As I say, all of this was occurring at a point where i have begun to really experience some acceptance about the DJ's death and the pall of grief that has followed; that pall, containing all the elements of every hell we can imagine, with the searing pain to badly mauled nerve endings being one sensation and the constant, dull, aching thud of shock and disbelief being slammed home as accompanying side lights. This feeling of some acceptance had built into it, the double edges of joy and more uneasiness; first, feeling so good that the journey of pain and hurt was easing a bit, but secondly, experiencing a feeling of betrayal and guilt at having been able to come to some terms with entire idea of DJ's death. For a while this had been a quandary, at once, holding me from exposing myself to the full light of the acceptance at hand...stopping me from enjoying the benefits of having thought and pored over and, finally, giving some definition to the many emotions and mental gymnastics the process had introduced me to; then, almost demanding that I face the light of a different life with the dual beams of faith and hope which I had been seeking and found some measure of peace about. In the end, I chose not only to step towards that light, I had decided to run to it, crying, laughing, shouting and dancing!! Currently daring any notion of reverting to those dark areas of pain and fear to reappear, so that they may be dealt with on an entirely different level, we're not hiding now. Feeling totally renewed with the idea that the future was not only possible, but was nowhere but now and here, and that I could feel good about embracing it. This heading East was a lap of that run, and I am in it, going flat out. The time for feeling sad and blue was done...for a while anyway, there are new horizons to seek, and new joys to behold, exploring the indulgence in them on this visit was the primary goal, and I would not be disappointed.
Landing at Newark Liberty airport, I was met, on time, by one of my hosts, a new best friend whom I had never met in the flesh, but with whom I have experienced many personal and profound aspects of our journey through grief. Those watching us hug and babble profusely surely could have thought one or the other of us had just returned from a long ago forgotten expedition or at the very least, an unintended, extended stay in some horrible situation, from which we believed we would never have escaped; so it was. Our drive to the meetup destination was filled with tears of joy and broken sentences in our attempts to release the tensions of expectations and pure satisfaction at finally meeting face to face. It was a ride just long enough for us to finally settle into a conversation bordering on intelligent, with the necessary points of information and perceived notions about the other, being sent and received in turn. Tears flowed as we both talked with almost disbelief that we were actually meeting, this, after much hemming and hawing on my part, and threats of encouragement that this had to happen on the other part. I had a new best friend for real...the first in over maybe 30 years, and I know it is genuine.
Arriving at our destination, we were greeted by our widowed host, and his mother, also a widow, both delightful people, and mom, a great cook to boot!...more gushing and hugging ensued with the tears building behind all of our eyes, with some spilling out as physical testimony to the deep emotions being generated and felt, even tho for all practical purposes, we were total strangers. Over the course of the rest of that day, and all of the next, others in our like situation arrived, some online friends from this very site with whom we have exchanged, either by email or chat, or through the various forums and groups; and some from a local ''MeetUp Group'', established by a member of this site and steadily growing. Some drove from fairly distant places, or like me, took a plane in to be present. We sat and talked of our individual experiences and challenges...all, focused around this common thread of grief, and shared openly. Despite the gravity of the central focus I felt exhilarated, joyful, Mercy!...down right happy!! Happy to be out, among ''friends'', with those folks who ''Get IT'', out in that damn sun! There is no backtracking at this point...others felt it...it was in the air; the festive atmosphere could not be denied, and I was loving it, dancing in the sun once again. Yes, we all shared our individual experiences, we divulged the personal anguish of those sometimes hopeful, but unsure times; those soul baring moments when stark reality slams us right in the face and the facts cannot be denied; being it the moment which one of those present described, as her own realization, when she went to help her spouse rise, and felt the enormity of his total weight bearing on her, a scenario I can relate to, for it is a telling moment in my own history with DJ...that moment when tho, awake and talking, she could not assist me in raising her, to that second, when the hard realization is known that they are no longer with us, and disbelief is an immediate companion for some time. That moment brought tears to her and others as we rallied around the speaker of that slice of her life; each fully understanding the impact such a moment has, and the speaker, knowing full well that we all understood perfectly. Even through this, there was the Sunshine...the tears were not so much of pain, I don't think, but an expression of the deep, mutual understanding and caring for a shared moment in our common history, our human attempt to convey deep feelings when words simply fail us.
There were T-Shirts furnished by my airport driver, she had them printed with Cyan wings framing the words 'We Get It', lettered in White against a Black background...so apropos. Plenty of good food and drink was available, and I partook to almost sinful limits...again, and again; I assaulted the various pans of tasty delights, as we all did; some there making vague references to proper eating and diets, things foreign to this muddled mind of mine, as hot and cold running fruit, chocolate, & cupcakes flowed almost endlessly. Pictures were take of course, and our traveling icon for the widowed in our group, a blue cutout dress with a notable actress's head pasted on, was photographed many times with us, individually and in group settings, and prepared for her next destination, 'Flat Amy' as she is dubbed will no doubt attend many more gatherings of the widowed, her previous appearance being in San Diego.
At this point I can accept that DJ won't be returning and the pain of that thought does not paralyze me, or leaving me mentally scrambling for some safe zone to retreat to; I can stand in the light with that thought and smile through it. For me, this has been the goal of the entire trek through grief, and at this point I have no intention of surrendering that ability for any mortal reason. It can never be too soon to breakout from the boundaries which line the path of grief, I am convinced we each will do it in our own time, and that time will be the right time. Moving, changing jobs, relationships, all of these things, and the many others which make up life, can come again to us all I believe...with just a little bit of Honesty, Open-ness and Willing-ness, that is HOW I am attempting to approach all of this, having found that a generous measure of time is also a critical ingredient to the mix, it is well that we remember, the process cannot be rushed.
As the plane landed back in Chicago, and I did the necessaries to clear the airport, I thought of all of this and smiled broadly...there is something good bouncing around in my mind, and I am letting it have it's way for the time being; altho it feels familiar, it also appears to be fresh, different, and totally ''all right''. Altho traces of that background sadness remains, and the pangs of loneliness still strike, they cannot overshadow the powerful effect that the hint of acceptance has bestowed upon me. Stepping through the last door to the outside, I felt the warmth of the sun, and thought how much DJ and I loved this time of year, and smiled even more...yes, out into the sunshine, and damn, don't it feel good...!
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