sWEEf Dream

 

“Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me”

(Dream A Little Dream of Me - Writer(s):Kahn, Gus/Andre, Fabian/Schwandt, Wilbur

Altho serveral artists do the song justice, I like the versions by Ella Fitzgerald & Cass Elliot)

“What’s the difference between a bad dream and a nightmare?”, it’s a question someone recently asked during a conversation a few of us were having. Some to those present voiced their thoughts on the subject; I kept quiet (for a change) as I had no definite thoughts about it. Because of the way my binary brain sometimes processes things, basically, a bad anything is all that’s needed for me to get an idea of what’s going on, the degree of severity is so subjective that I think it makes this one of those things that we all understand in our own way. But the question did get me to thinking about dreams…and dreaming. It took me back to an earlier time when the loss of DJ was only days and weeks old and I was in the storm of shock and confusion; the words fresh and raw took on expanded  meanings which I could have lived another lifetime without ever knowing. It was a hellish time when the bewilderment of loss ruled the days and the nights found me wide awake as sleep refused to visit. It was during this time that I took up residence on the lounger upon which DJ had taken her final breaths. Altho there was no real sleep to be had for me, there were what I can call dreams; some of the toughest dreams I have every experienced…wide awake dreams of “What if…”, “If only…” and of course, “Why”.

 As Time passed and the immediate shock faded, my thoughts turned to other thoughts, dreams from a much earlier time, a time before when I had different dreams; dreams of wishing DJ was my girlfriend, dreams of having her as my wife and of our creating a family together…all dreams which came true for us. They are the type of dreams I’m sure we all have had at one time or another…and probably still do today. It’s a fact for me, many of these dreams appear to be carrying me now. Later in that early time, I can remember others, further away from their loss than I was from mine, talking about dreams and dreaming or the lack of them or the joy that some brought, or the pain. At the time I was hoping for any type of dream about DJ; I remember being in a minor panic as I feared I would never have one. Dreams did not happen for a very long time, even today, generally, I do not dream about DJ or anything else for that matter. It has been that way for the past twenty or so months. I have come to reason that since she is in my every other thought during every waking hour of every day, my mind does not find the need to entertain sub conscious thoughts about her when I sleep. It’s another example of my attempts to deal with the issues presented by grief; me, making answers for myself I can live with. My hope is that by doing this I can put to rest some of the things which can plague us as we make the journey. The fact that our loved ones will constantly be in our thoughts no matter what we’re doing should come as no surprise, it appears to me to be only natural. Our reaction to that, I think, determines how we come to deal with all the circumstances and emotions involved in developing the different life. There have been times when I have heard others speak of their dreams about their spouses, how calming it may have been, or unsettling, or outright horrible. Now, I know very little about the process involved in dreaming, why we do it or any special meanings which may be associated with them; I do know that at times I have dreamed and some of those dreams have left me worried, shaken, or have even wakened me in a panic.

 Years ago as we began to restart our life together after having it interrupted by the Draft, after returning home, I had found the need for counseling; this was related to the adventure I had been party to in South East Asia; altho I slept, I had a recurring dream about being on the flight that had taken us to Tan Son Nhat airport, Long Binh, RVN. Attending sessions at the local VA gave me access to a ‘sleep’ counselor who listened to me tell of the recurring dream of being on that flight and the fear and panic it gave me, and always waking up sweaty and fearful. After a few meetings she suggested that, counter to what I might have been told about ‘trying to forget it’, I should actually think about that dream during my waking hours; not only that, but think about an end to that dream, an end I wanted. The idea was to plan the outcome of the dream long before I slept and possibly had the dream again. Being desperate and tired of fearing sleep, I began practicing just that. My solution was to think about that dream, and picture myself stepping off the plane here, at O’Hare airport. Now, the results were not immediate, but over time I developed the ability to have that dream but end up at home…eventually I stopped having the dream altogether. Applying this method to other dreams I have had more than marginal success; of course we are all different and ymmv (your mileage may vary). But the point of the exercise for me, and the lesson I came away with was that I didn’t have to have my dreams terrify me, it was something I could practice some control over. Now, I have found that there are some dreams no amount of practice can help us with, the thought of DJ dying being the most prominent. Altho we had four years from diagnosis to her last moments on this earth, nothing I could have thought or conceived of put me in any state of readiness, and believe me, I thought a great deal. But there have been other dreams, one in particular which also kept me in a state of unrest for months; after returning home I had taken to the practice of carrying a weapon, having just left an environment where it was the norm, in my mind it was only natural that I continue to do so. Despite the hostile atmosphere war can present, at some point I developed a comfortability with the situation which I am sure was aided by the fact that I was armed 24/7; it gave me the security of preparedness that I enjoyed. Carrying this over the home front may not have been the wisest decision I ever made as I was deep in my cups, but I did it…however, it came back to bite me in the ass, thankfully, this was only in a dream and only my ass was involved. One morning after having raised many a cup the previous night, I had been awakened by a dream, the dream had been that I had woke up not remembering what I had been involved with the previous night and finding the magazine for the pistol short one round. In the dream, I could not recall firing the pistol and I was in a panic. As part of the dream, that entire day was spent watching the news, seeing if I could pick up any talk of random shootings which might have occurred; I could vaguely remember the area I had been to and I was trying to see if anything had been reported.  My mind was racing, I would scramble to the window if I heard any commotion outside, peeking through the blinds, I would scan the street for patrol cars or well dressed men in front of our building; there was anxiety each time the phone rang, and the doorbell rang. The dream presented me with the scenario that I may have shot someone, anyone; a kid or some other innocent and not know it. The thought of that dream was enough for me to cease carrying a weapon altho refraining from the cups never entered my mind. This all can be declared a bad dream, but the goodness of it is that it forced me to corrective behavior before some tragedy occurred. I did not want to practice an ending to that dream, I wanted to stop it, now, fortunately I did, it required changes on my part, but along with the flight thing, the entire episode helped me to realize the power of dreams, no matter where they come from or what we might think of them.

 So it can be with us, our thoughts and dreams about our loved ones can bring on many emotions and leave us pondering the what’s and why’s. They can sometimes take us to calm places, scenes of peace and serenity or they can try to pull us into the sinkhole of regret and despair, and leave us feeling frightened and without hope. For me, I’m trying to take the lesson the counselor suggested and actually think about the outcome of any dream I might have about DJ; for me it’s quite easy as I already know the actual result. It’s not necessarily a pleasant result but it is a factual one, one I don’t have to like, just deal with. All this is being done in order that I might gain better clarity and understanding about just how to place the many things in safe places…at times it’s exhausting to say the least, but I’m finding it soooooo necessary in order for the different life to contain any semblance of okay-ness. Altho I try not to, perhaps I think too much, some of my friends have told me that; maybe it is adding to the already monumental task of shaping the different life, I don’t know, but it is all I know to do in my attempts to have hope and peace for whatever time is left for me. As for any beliefs in dreams…well, I know they exist, and like a lot of things, I’ve come to believe that they can only have the power and energy we put into them. Today I’m trying to put positive energy into my thoughts and dreams and hopes and even disappointments with the notion that by trying to do the next right thing, the next right thing will occur for me. In my life I have lived great parts of a dream mainly because of DJ and for that I am truly grateful.

 A politician of the late 60’s is noted for saying, “ Some people see things as they are and ask ‘Why’, others dream things that never were and ask ‘Why not?’”, that he was thought to be popular yet later assassinated has no bearing on the depth of the quote.  This has stayed with me through the years and today I can relate it to my life in that now, I don’t have to ask Why, and many times DJ and I were able to say Why not. I’m reminded of some lines from a song DJ particularly liked:

“Cheer up sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean,

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen”

Well, in my life I’ve had and still have the opportunity to be a daydream believer and for sure, DJ is my homecoming queen. Having time and being fortunate enough that we were able to be honest, I am assured that the meaning we gave to one another is meaningful, shared and genuine. Today, In making a sincere effort to see things as they are,  I am still able to dream things that never were and yet, find peace because I know of the dream that still, is.  I’m thinking that at some point the meanings of the goodness or the badness of whatever dreams we might have will become a moot point; in the end I think we are left with ourselves and what we decide to make of what we think...and what we believe...and what we dream.