Tru' Dat

 

 (Note: This was originally posted to another site in

response to a question posed by one of the members there.)

              “If your actions do not prove the truth of your words,

 then your words are nothing more than lies’’

-Unknown

This is something I came across some time ago on my way to looking up other things, it struck something with me so much so that I saved it and set it as the wallpaper for my cell phone background. Doing that was a gesture to my efforts in reminding me to actually try and practice some of the notions and ideas I’m so fond of posting in various places in Cyber space. It’s actually a digital string tied around one of my mental fingers to help me remember that I should stay aware of how easy it is for me to mislead myself into thinking that just because I relish posting such things, it can create a mental atmosphere for me where I believe I’m practicing those things, when in fact it’s all in my mind. It is not an uncommon situation; we read, we think, we tell ourselves something over and over and in our minds and we can come to believe we’re really living it…understanding myself a bit better these days, I know I have to stay mindful of my weakness In this area. For me, these types of posts can ramble around in my mind and lead me to a state of only thinking about them, but not actually putting them into practice. This is not to say I am attempting to claim some high moral ground on the truth, far from it, but it is my small attempt to be what I think is a better person if to no one else other than myself. There has been some minor victories: my use of the word hate has all but disappeared from my conversations altho i dislike a lot of things, I've come to believe what some of those very posts that I love to spread around, say is true, in that applying that emotion to some item, object, or person, does me more harm than good.  Sorry has become an orphan; I cannot in good conscience  use it in response to things people say, even down to hearing they have lost a loved one...I may be genuinely sad to hear those things, but the truth is I am only truly sorry for my own sorry ass in having been deprived of DJ's presence. The ever popular 'B' word had been dropped like a bad habit, In my mind it has special connotations and thus is reserved for the special occasions that merit it's use. Now, these may not be major points, but they are my attempts to change my thinking about certain things, one small step at a time. So it is with this post, previously I have used these pages to detail some of my  own thoughts and reactions to DJ’s death as well as some of those of a few close family members;  it has been a healing endeavor I think and I am grateful for the opportunity to do so. In doing this I have tried to be as truthful as propriety allows, tho I have been known to invoke editorial license at times...just a bit, but on critical grieving matters, the truth is mandatory.

As the different life has taken shape and revealed parts of it to me, a shape I should add, that I cannot yet fully appreciate, I find that many of my long held notions about almost everything have needed adjusting. It is my suspicion that the death of a spouse will do that to a person, causing them to rethink everything. Whatever healing I am enjoying today has come from more that just my own efforts, altho those efforts were attempted wholeheartedly by me and with a sincere dedication, they were not enough, more was needed. Not being afraid to seek support helped, as I landed on site after site dedicated to grieving folks; all had something to offer, but my need was great and my seeking continued as I careened towards the edge, losing ground to the onslaught of raging emotional waters and finding myself preparing, willingly to go over that edge. In that freshness, when the time since DJ’s death could be counted in days and weeks, when each day I would rouse myself, (notice, I didn’t say wake…) only to listen to the roar of the empty house, and the silent screaming of my mind which shouted down any semblance of rational thinking from any other inner voice; in that time when I had convinced myself that family was not enough to go on for, that my need for relief outweighed any argument or reasons for continuing the living hell I was enduring; when finally, I had determined that as Hendrix says, “…all the jacks are in their boxes, and the clowns have all gone to bed…”  and I just knew that I could see that  “ happiness was staggering on down the street, footprints dressed in red..”, at the most critical moment in my new journey, that is when I found this site…and the rest it can be said is part of my new history. So I arrive here, now, a few months short of two years since that sad morning when one clock stopped and another one started, with much of any healing which may have occurred to me in the intervening time being attributed directly to the efforts of those on this site; from the chat area to the forums and groups, and of course, the Blogs. I am thoroughly grateful for all of it, especially those folks from the Chat area, as they have allowed me and many others, to develop a belief in what I think is the most important of commodities to grieving people, Hope. These are my words and I need to stand by them so that they may become the truth, if for no one else other than me, and today I know that is really all that matters.

Recently, in a conversation with a group of widowed people, some of whom are repartnered or remarried, one of them was asked why, in light of their current relationship status, were they there; a reply that the person wanted to  “give back…” was offered. It sounded reasonable to me as I have encountered other coupled widowed folks who appear in the group and who have said basically the same thing, to give back. It is understandable to me why the original question was asked as we have come to know that many folks, mainly those who have no experience with losing a spouse simply do not ‘get it’. The unspoken question implied by the original was quite clear; can a widowed person who has become part of a couple, still, genuinely get it. Personally, I’m convinced it can be done; it is not a difficult notion for me to accept as I understand that they too have been victims of the Grief Monster and all that entails. In my mind, the fact that I might become involved with someone, even to the point of marrying them, does not in any way diminish the fact of DJ’s death or the ensuing trauma which continues until this very day and I’m sure, always will. My ability to again invest deeply, emotionally with someone cannot for one second erase the pain associated with watching DJ die and then having to face the terrible pain of the startling implications which were soon to be realized. Being with someone different will not remove from my mind the agony of thinking about the 45 plus years we knew each other or about the 40 we shared being married. The ability to again know shared special moments does not suddenly wipe my memory clear, does not block my mind from the pain of knowing just what has been lost; it does not make any less real the total devastation I felt as I found myself in the wilderness of shock and disbelief, weathering a storm of memories and emotions which sent me reeling towards the brink. It cannot still the resounding voice which still comes at times and shouts, “Did that shit really happen..?”… cannot quiet the equally loud and persistent reply of “Yes, It Did!”. No, I don’t think being with someone else will by some trick of the mind allow me to lose the ability to have sleepless nites, wondring, thinking, crying. In my own case, an overgrown sense of self interest and a highly developed trait of selfishness allows me to know that no one, absolutely no one can hurt as much as I do; can miss anyone more than me, has lived any greater sense of confusion from the loss than I have; yours may be bad, but I know mine is worse. Of course all of us who have endured this, feel this way, it’s just the way it is. The one thing I have come to believe is that this is fine, it is how it should be; no one else can know exactly the pain of another…or for how long it may prevail in their lives. It does not matter if our feeling this way makes sense to anyone else; the point of the exercise is that it should make sense to me...and to yourselves. 

This all brings me to a new truth in my life today; in that time when the above mentioned things were the worse, when my mind could conceive of no way forward, when I had no idea of just what I should do next or just how to handle the flood of emotions which were swamping me, it was the words of advice from others, right here on this site, who understood, who offered words of comfort, but more importantly, imparted that which I knew I was lacking but could not articulate at the time, again, that was Hope. The fact is that later, after some time, when I got to know the others and I learned that some of those very same people were in relationships or had even remarried; made no impact on me…that they knew and got it was all I really needed to know. Now for sure, I too remember those times when seeing couples elicited more than long sighs, even to the point of envy and a tinge of jealously, I think it is a natural reaction a lot of us  may experience, especially early on and even for some time after. We are hurt beyond description, our understanding of just what we have lost begins to settle in and the idea that we may never have that again is a powerful agent and cannot be discounted. In my own life, that time passed  for the most part and I am better able to focus on more positive things. But, it is real and it can affect how we behave, I believe it is a natural part of the journey. My challenge was not to linger at that patch of the journey, not allow my loss to blind me to the avenues of healing that might be available. I do believe that having other knowing folks as a support base is the best and I also believe that once death has taken that person we have come to love and care about, once we have been permanently deprived of the presence of those whom we are convinced were perfect for us, that the resultant pain and anguish stays with us a lifetime…no matter what else ever happens, we know that pain forever. And, I don’t think anything, short of them returning can change that fact; a new pair of shoes won’t help…a new dress can’t change anything, another house, cars, geographical solutions, more money, nothing, not even the glow from a different relationship will remove that awful sense of loss that becomes our companion for life or blot out that instant when we realized just what the hell had happened. I believe that once touched by the sting of death, this close to us, we are forever changed, we know. Now, we can learn to carry this, even into future relationships, but I believe the fact is, it will always be there.

Despite what some may think, I don’t believe returning to a coupled lifestyle magically erases all that has happened in the process of our partners dying or provides some type of mental eraser for it all, it is true that the profound sadness and deep sense of loneliness can produce some powerful urges, but being with someone else won’t undo the fact of the loss or the pain it produced. I don’t think being with someone will make us forget all those emotions we may have now come to carry a bit better. And, I believe, once having felt the sting of the death of our partners, being able to support others is not inherently lost simply because we are with someone else. Of course we are all different and we each have our opinions on this, this just happens to be mine. I found it to be my challenge not to dismiss any opportunity for support, having relinquished the ability to know every damn thing the day DJ died, unless demonstrated, I leave ideas of the motivations anyone might have, to a higher authority than myself. It is true that being among folks who have suffered a similar happenstance appears to yield so many positive results, but I also think we need to remember that once stung, we all, know…and that can never be taken away.

When I first arrived here, the very first day, in that terrible early time, a member here greeted and embraced me with advice and words of hope…I have let her know that she will forever be a part of my life and there isn’t a damn thing she can do about it. The words of encouragement and solace she offered made the difference at a critical point for me, right down to asking me if I had children, and before I could answer asking if I wanted any. It produced the first real laugh I had enjoyed up to that point and I will never forget it. I won’t name names here, (Cec) but you know who you are, and there are others, all, Original Members of the BAWC-Bad Ass Widow's Club), you are a shinning example of how the journey can be traveled and survived and I want you to know that your words of hope have helped me and many others and are are still helping, regardless of what box you might check on some official document; you actions make your words true. These are my words, the action of writing them may at some point, help me better understand the truth involved as I understand only too well that the different life is not through with me...yet. They are what I believe and the ideas expressed, I try to live by today, that's a fact, and I ain't lying.