JustHO

Openness...Having made my best commitment to the notion of being Honest about facing the future and what it might hold, I now turn to the next letter in my implementation of 'H O W'......although it maintains the center position, I don't believe it is subject to the misfortunes noted in the popular belief that I have heard mention of, concerning special difficulties associated with middle children. (for some strange reason tho, as I thought about this, about openness, visions of rows and rows of cans proclaiming ''WhupAss'' came to mind along with others lableled ''Worms''...I have no idea why those thoughts came into my head).  I think the type of  openness I'm getting at has to be firmly rooted in my attempt to go forward.  This openness is not limited to me and my ability to reveal and examine things about myself, but also includes me being open and accepting to those things which I may be required to actually do in order to make the future livable for myself.  It is my suspicion that this openness will have to be totally removed from that isolated, almost claustrophobic feeling I carried in those eary days and weeks; when solitude was sought, because the mere thought of being around any other than DJ was just to hard to handle; that time when I could look at anyone, and find reasons why they should not be here, and DJ should...dangerous thoughts indeed.  Although I do have some experience in trying to be open, that experience coming as the result of a different ailment, totally unlike grief, but devastating nonetheless, I am somewhat apprehensive that the same approach will give benefits, but we can only try.  The healing of that illness also required that I face a different future and examine just what would be necessary to do that.  In a way, I think I started trying to practice some openness in these writings, these purgings, by relating some of the history of the life which DJ and I shared. This was not my main purpose when I started trying to assemble memories, it had been suggested to me in order for me to avoid carrying too much around in my somewhat limited mind, and to a keep away from seemingly very sensible ideas (at least to me) about going past the point of no return, and I considered it a purley selfish endeavor to save my own life.  

Then, like now, it was mandatory that I accept certain facts about my life, attempt to incorporate those into my own ideas and then devise a strategy to make certain efforts and try to stay cognizant of, if those efforts were succeeding or not. Just thinking about it exhausts me to no end; the reliving and playing over of recent events takes a tremendous toll as most of you already know, but for myself I can see no other way.  It it not too difficult for me to be open about the events surrounding DJ's illness and eventual death...at first it was easiest with close family members, the thoughts and emotions flowed freely, allowing me to express some of my deepest feelings, I think I needed that, especially with the family.  Together, we spoke of everything, feeling safe enough to share our recollections of recent events...from how we thought at which moment it was when DJ really left us and when her physical form finally followed, to our memories of our own, personal last moments with her, each of us describing what we thought was that special look we knew she had given only to just us. But a lot of this was group work, thoughts and memories being shared to support and reassure one another, they required no real action, and the only consequences were related to possibly evoking tears from another family member.  That same openness, applied to my thoughts of a future can and presented elsewhere, in a way, can be fraught with danger for my mental health...but I have to try.

Starting with the openness about simply wanting to live on at all, into a future without DJ; in my readings and research, there are many instances of which I've read where some think that they are betraying the memory of their partner by wanting to  live in and enjoy the future. Perhaps this is a natural response to our loss...we feel bad that we are willing to live and enjoy, while our mates are no longer here and cannot share in this with us. I'm open to wanting to enjoy the future, I feel open to accepting that it can be done without betrayal or without thinking I don't deserve it. Having decided to continue, I am starting to feel an elation about wanting to live on and to being open to just what is next in store; open to the possible joys, heartbreaks, 'got cha's, random happiness and sadness which we all know at least intellectually, are a part of living, but which has been skewed by grief and has us thinking we have been singled out for some special kind of hell.

Then there is the being open about how the loss of DJ's physical presence had at once sent my thoughts to the conclusion that companionship for me, was over, I had been given my turn, and it was at an end, it was as simple as that; this way, there was no need to feel the possible guilt which can be associated with this exercise...I told myself this for the first few months, even attempting to reinforce it by putting myself in situations which I considered a test of the validity of that conclusion; the results of that test are important only in that they show that I was operating on a faulty premise. Later, as my mind began to clear somewhat, more rational thoughts came into play and allowed for a more realistic base idea about future partners, and a clearer perception of what the future could really be like in that regard. It forced me to get honest about some things I had not thought to deal with...I have mentioned my thoughts on those results in another place previously, as Honesty was required also to avoid the mire; future Fred has capacity, and can have a future with companionship, and without guilt.

Of course the idea of openness is not exactly foreign to us, it is probably one of the things we cherished most in our relationship with our partners...that ability to be free to talk about our innermost thoughts, fears and feelings with someone in whom we had the deepest of trusts.  No matter the subject, no matter how delicate a turn the conversation might take, we could feel secure in the knowledge that in most cases, judgment would rarely be introduced into the mix. Or if it was, it was hardly ever arbitrary or condescending, mostly, directed in a manner to assist in better decision making or to calm some worrisome fear we may have been nursing.  Just how this particular part of this will work out, I have no idea, but i believe it is an integral part of my own attempt to go forward.  It is surely another example of just how much has been removed from our lives, and which, I think, will have to be rebuilt in an entirely different setting in order for us to go forward with a stable and healthy mental attitude..This is probably the one thing I miss above all else (other than DJ physically being here, of course).  After having this in our lives, it's absence surely makes approaching life without them so much harder.   

But I fear the most challenging of all the issues brought forth by this openness is that one which requires me to be open and accepting to the fact that some or none of this will do any good at all; if I am to be totally honest and open about the entire situation, I have to explore the possibility that this will not work; not as a measure of sabotage or projection, but as a practical possible out come, and that is as it should be, not only with this idea of openness, but with all things dealing with this grief, at least for me. If this doesn't work, it won't be the end of the world...I've seen a good part of that end already, but another bump in our road to healing. At times it becomes almost too much, this work, this toiling through grief, it is exhausting to say the least; the urge to say ''to hell with it all'', is powerful..but it appears it has to be done if we are to go forward with a better understanding of ourselves and the facts regarding our lives. After having experienced such open and fulfilling relationships, we may find it is very difficult to believe another one is possible and getting past that may prove impossible.

As I have stated before, these are just things I personally am trying in order to cope with the loss of DJ; I have no formal training in trying to decipher the many aspects of grief and it's effect on the human psyche or the issues related to it; I have no real understanding of the ''various levels of grief'' or just what can trigger depression; but I do recognize that there is no one solution that will heal us all at once, that there is no panacea on the horizon. Along with other things, this idea of openness is something I am trying to use in order to  become more comfortable and hopeful about my current situation and the future.  Just my attempt to deal with avoiding the contents of all those rows of cans that seemed to have crept into my thoughts. 

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

      

JustH

In my attempts to help mend the tattering effect grief has had on the fabric of my brain, one of the threads I am using, is one representing the shifting of the pattern of that fabric; I have briefly mentioned that particular thread here previously. That is the thread of hope. It is joining together the pieces of this life-cloth as the journey through grief continues; combining that section which has all of the shock, disbelief, fear, and feelings of helplessness weaved into it, with that of the one which contains the intricate design of a different reality, with stitching's of some regret, much longing, the possibility of acceptance and even a renewed belief in the possible.  These may appear to be strange words coming from one who, not so very long ago sat in the window which faces the darkness and considered leaning all the way forward.  At present, the processing of the material is at best tedious, with my attention, currently being given to the seam which holds together the edges which represent the well worn piece of the life DJ and I shared and the newer but unevenly trimmed section that is me attempting to move forward with the belief that I can have real hope for the future without the physical presence of her...it appears the major obstacle not only for me, but for many of us is how to do this...for me I think the answer may start 15 words back...with how, or more accurately, H O W.

In attempting to describe how I am approaching my hope for the future...I think it's important to remember that all of our various journeys are so different, although the starting point in each  contains the base element of grief; what works for one of us may not yield the same results for another.  So I have chosen H. O. W., Honesty, Openness, Willingness...the basic three spools I am taking the threads from, which to try and embroider some type of future to keep me away from that damn window.  As the fog begins to lift, and I am able to glimpse the possible of the future, a future I want to really believe in and have hope about, my approach requires me to make an honest attempt to try and recognize, understand, and actually participate in it.  To do this I have to recall what DJ and talked about when we discussed this time in our lives.  During the four years between the diagnosis and her eventual death, DJ and I had maybe four or five, what I would call cold, serious conversations about what was occurring and the aftermath ...covering almost every aspect of our lives, past, present and possible future...they were excruciating at best and horrifyingly revealing at their worse, with the subjects that were required to be talked about ranging from the mundaneness of the location of curtains and other household items, to the moderately important decisions regarding car and house issues, right down to the properly serious concerns of her last wishes, the children and the future which I would face, possibly alone, for the duration. The first one or two early conversations were awkward, with neither of us knowing just how to start them or just what should be said and how; I remember them as being solemn at first, with DJ dispensing information regarding her personal wishes, the house and the children...  ''...I know you will, but please, just take care of each other...'', is one of the most vivid statements I can remember. Of course in my mind that was a given, but I know DJ had to say it, had say it out loud. After a couple of more talks along these lines, the focus shifted to our life together and what life for me might be like, just how I would manage without her.  During one of the more intense talks we had, I remember saying to her, through tears running down my face,  ''...Donna, damn, I hope you you don't feel like you wasted your life...staying with me all these years...'', my reference being to her staying with me despite the poor behavior I had displayed during the earlier years of our marriage...as I looked almost past her, through the window, trying to concentrate on nothing in particular that was going on outside, I recall her turning my face towards hers and saying, in a manner which took me by surprise in it's calmness...''...Bay, I know my life with you was not wasted...promise me, you won't stay alone...that you will find someone to be with...''. At that point I said something to the effect that how could I even consider someone else after having had the best...the image of that entire scene has never left me, and I doubt that it ever will.

This too is part of the cloth that I will wear into the future, and it has to be one of the most, if not the most honest moment we ever shared together.  The Honesty I feel I need to carry with my hope in the future demands that I recall that time and make it a permanent part of me, that will not be difficult, but I realize that to do that, I have to recognize, that to really ''live'' in that future, I will have to place the memory of DJ and our life together in a safe place in my mind .  It requires me to trust that the power in which I believe, created me spacious enough to accommodate feelings for someone else with the same effort and passion as I had for DJ; that is one of the things I honestly believe. I want to make it clear what I am trying to say here; my belief in this is not something I speak of lightly, it is a core tenet of my life.  There are many words dedicated to the expressions of '' my one and only...'', ''...the only one I could ever love'', or ''...my soulmate...'' and I am willing to accept those declarations at face value, but my own  reasoning behind that acceptance may be a bit different; it is based not on any inability of my Higher Power to impart to me the capacity to care deeply about more than one person, but more to the fact that I chose to limit that capacity to that one person, and that I made a promise to that person which stated you are special to me and I will treat you as such.  So, in that vein, the capacity remains within me as does the ability to make a choice concerning making a deep emotional investment in someone.  I address this first in my own issues about the future because I have read and heard so much about this particular aspect from others in our efforts to move through grieving, I had at first believed I was not affected, but I found that to be not true.

In order to maintain the integrity of the fabric which is to drape the future, this honesty has to extend to the other things which present possible 'got cha's' for me; such as the resentment which sometimes wants to well up within me when I see others enjoying the life of being a couple, or my penchant to wanting to decry the unfairness of life as I wonder why my beautiful DJ is no longer here while many I consider undesirables remain to clutter the landscape.  I understand these are real, human emotions and that they can easily be attributed to the frailties of human nature; it is not so much that these thoughts crowd in on me, but my response to them which counts, by admitting to myself that they exist at all is my first step in trying to remember that I don't really have to view them with negativity. It should be pointed out that all this talk about honesty is not intended to imply some great conversion on my part, that because of my current experience with grief I have somehow been transformed into some sought after symbol of truth, justice &ct...no, the same character defects which I was afflicted with before, still remain and my ability to fall short on the calls of doing the next right thing is still potent, and indeed, requires that I remain honest on that score as well; it is my approach to this different future of which I am speaking now, the work on those other things continues also.

So, it is to the future I look, with an honest hope first, that real living is once again possible; a future and hope which seemed impossible just a few months before when death unraveled our lives and only dread and pain appeared to be our only options.  A time when merely thinking beyond the then, current, fear and apprehension was not even possible...I think we all can identify with those times, probably many of us are still enduring the anxiety they produce. At  those times it can be difficult to believe that anything other than they exist for us, that any talk of possibilities for a livable future is pure wishful thinking and that the shroud of sadness will be our garment for the rest of our lives.  But I want to believe that we can be the tailors of our future, that each of us can find the necessary mending materials and knit together, from the patchwork of our past memories of people and events a future we can believe and trust in and move torwards with honest hope.  Perhaps I'm just a dreamer, maybe this is just my way of trying to justify my attempt to give a different meaning to my life now...as I am not ashamed to say, I don't know; but I do know that I do not want to feel that because of the recent events in my life, that now, there is nothing of real value worth living for.

This being honest about hope for the future may or may not serve me well in my attempt to go on to the future, only time will reveal that.  But I am dedicated to the effort, I am trying to use it as another tool to assist me in shaping a different life.  To give that hope a chance and not believe that we are destined to be miserable for the rest of our lives is the stage I am at now with the piece work of myself.  I do not fear the challenge as I once did, I truly believe that a future with hope is possible...moreover, I feel I want it, it is the work of actually doing it now that is to be done, starting with just H O W... 

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

  

  

Reeling

                                                                                                                                                                                The morning is dead, And the day is too

There's nothing left here to meet me

But the velvet moon
All my loneliness I have felt today
It's like a little, more than enough
To make a man, throw himself away

                   As I continue, to burn the Midnight Lamp, Alone

                   'Mindnight Lamp' From 'Electric LadyLand' album,1967 by Jimi Hendrix

In a previous post I mentioned that I felt as if there some type of ''shift'' or movement occurring in this process, this grieving...it is difficult to describe, but I am aware of it, I want to believe it is real.  This is not to say that the pain has ended or that the waves of grief have subsided, it, and they, have not, and the background sadness remains, spiking occasionally.  But they have become more tolerable, more...expected. All this does not take away from my hope in the realness of the shift which I feel has occurred, that, I am finding is a fact.  At first I was leery that my outlook had actually improved; grief had done a fine job of almost convincing me that I was to be at the mercy of it's retinue, which includes despair, and hopelessness; present also is a sense of desperation that can be crippling and always now, that special loneliness which only someone in a like situation can truly understand, for the duration.  In the aftermath of DJ's death I was taken to that place Jimi so eloquently speaks of in the opening lines, a place which holds the constant reminders that in regards to knowing and having the security and fulfillment that being with our special ones gives, are no longer a part of our lives; taken there to ponder.  At that time I really felt that ''throwing myself away'' was a viable option...

Having been fortunate enough to avoid the attraction of the abyss then, I'm finding that life does continue and due to many factors, I was able to come to believe that surviving Dj's death was possible.  As the feeling of the possible grew, I came to understand that merely surviving would not be enough...a way to really live again would have to be made, a different approach to planning and dealing with the future was in order to really say that I was living through the being ''alone'' and the other things grief introduces to us.  Although very skeptical at first about this feeling of optimism, I was helped in accepting it by a surprisingly simply exchange; my granddaughter Ms. McKoKo, and I were watching one of her favorite programs which airs on a national children's channel and the child star of the show was holding Ms. McKoKo's attention...I watched as she stopped in mid sip of her fruit juice to give her total attention to the sketch being played out.  When the scene ended and I could tell she was back from assisting the star I asked ''...so, you think you want to be an actress?...'', she turned in her small chair and looked at me, her expression not betraying what she would say next, finally she said, ''...no, I want to be a 'realtress', I want to do real things, I don't want to act anything...''   Being taken totally aback, I just sat there for moment, digesting what she had just said...perhaps I give Ms. McKoKo too much credit, or maybe it's my literal nature, but that statement got me to thinking about the change I had detected in my own feelings at this point and in the grieving process in total; I think I truly understood her ''realtress'' remark; being that she is five, that may or may not say something about me, but I am willing to take help anywhere I can find it these days.  

Understanding my own proclivity for faking it in the best of times, and the innate ability of human beings to do that in times of great stress, I began to wonder if I had not fallen into some type of 'role' during all of this...perhaps it is inevitable that should happen, this role playing but I had not thought about it in those terms...I questioned whether or not many of the things I had said I felt...I really did feel. All that lasted about three seconds, I quickly purged those thoughts and returned to what Ms. McKoKo had said about doing ''real things''; what has happened was real alright and I have the loneliness to prove it.  I think her expression describes for me what I want to become of this different life, to do real things...to have real hope of the possible and to know some real contentment in my life; not that the things before and with DJ were not real, but since her death, everything has been open to examination and the veneer of many long held beliefs has been peeled away and they are being challenged with some even being altered, causing much self doubt and blows to one's self esteem; I'm finding that grief can do that to us.  I'm craving for this different feeling of hope to be real, that the things I am thinking which may be possible are truly not just wishful thinking. After such a traumatic blow such as we have taken, it is easy to become even more cynical and pessimistic regarding the future. Recognizing who I really am today is my first mission , defining what these real things I feel and want is next, but how does one go about the task?  For me, maybe it starts with being totally honest about myself and my feeling concerning DJ's loss...I'm not talking about accepting that she is gone and won't be returning, that is a physical fact which cannot be denied, what I'm trying to get at here is narrowed down even further, down to the 'self' in me. As much as I tried to avoid it, I am finding that I do feel the unfairness of it all; this, after months of trying to convince myself that it is all just a part of life...I do find myself presented with situations which, tho are of the most benign of designs, cause resentment and ill feelings; my urge to say ''why me'', having been suppressed for so long, rears it's head now that I have decided to deal with the possible; I do not want to be like this, but if I am to be honest in the movement, if I am to be ''real'', I have to admit to these things.

This is very difficult, over the years I have developed a pattern of thinking in the ''we'', and have always had another to consider; bringing these types of things up would normally evoke a counter to them, but there is no one here to do that today, I am left to the mercies of my own mind...a potentially dangerous exercise at best. I am not really sure how to approach dealing with just ''me'', with just Fred.  Understanding that I cannot let uncertainty dictate to me, I am trying to learn, or relearn about this person in order to understand just what can and must be done to encourage my belief in the possible for the future. Some things I desire are obvious and shared by us all, to have the everyday security of home and health, to have our basics taken care of...but beyond that, the peace of mind with myself and my life is something which I realize must be rebuilt and nurtured.  Having the ability to enjoy the company of others, to avoid the isolation which appears to be so appealing at this time; the urge to heap disdain on the happiness of those around me and most importantly to not fear that I will continue to experience the terror and pain that being alone can cause...these are the ''real'' things i want to achieve and will be working on for the foreseeable future.

In a way it is odd that the inspiration for all of this should come from Ms. McKoKo, for when I was visiting the abyss and the thoughts of how my going over the edge would affect my family, I thought about how it might affect my own children, but they were adults and I could rationalize their feelings away...it wasn't fair, but I did it that way. I even considered how some might say that I had taken away from the significance of DJ's death, but I was able to assuage any concerns about that through pure selfishness and thoughts that I would be with her...one of my considerations was the thought of Ms. McKoKo having to deal with such an event which some might consider a tragedy, throughout her life, and as much as I love her, I cannot honestly said it really made a difference to me, I brushed it aside...at least I think i did.  So it is quite a turn for me, that she, with the simple reply to my question should give me some direction in how to proceed into the future, how to go forward, being ''real'', truly from the mouths of babes...

Success in all of this may only be temporary or fleeting, I do not know, but I do feel that I have to make the honest effort to deal in the ''real''.  So I start with the feeling that the movement is real and that I really want that movement; that I can honestly approach the different life with real hope and a belief in the promise of the future.  Further I believe I can and want to make the real effort to embrace that future and all it may hold with the same openness and desire, possibly alone, which I shared with DJ...for now that's a start I can live with.  Perhaps I can find that the ''velvet moon'' has some real possibilities... 

For Words

''Don't let them, get the best, Of your heart, leave the rest, Up to love and you'll be taken care of...''

('Best of Your Heart' - Chaka Kahn, 1978)

I was listening to some of our favorite music last week, DJ's and mine...I had detected a shift in my general mood earlier, and felt strong enough to try and sit through a few tunes, there had been a delay in me doing this as I was not sure the shift, the movement was really happening; I waited about a week to see if it was really happening, my family and some friends kept asking ''...are you all right?...''.  During this time I had become a bit more reserved than usual, but I was only thinking, trying to determine if this was for real...finally I convinced myself that it was real, this realization of hope for the possible...the past 7 months have been like no other...life's greatest roller coaster being rode with me hanging on for life and sanity.  Since DJ died I had not listened to much of what we enjoyed together...not too much anyway, instead I had retreated to my personal favorite genre of music, Classic Rock, and had taken to letting the music put me back in a safer more defined place in my mind, a place which had kept me entertained and just distracted enough over that time period to avoid being depressed...but since  then, I had felt this...change in my general outlook, this...movement (?), I setup a playlist of our mutual favorites; this particular song that the opening line comes from, would always lead to us dancing if we were doing stuff in the basement...well, her dancing and me stumbling along with her...I had always taken the words in the context of being involved with another person...now even the meaning of those words have shifted.  At first I began to think about how grief had tried to get the best of me, not only had it tried to take away my will to live on and my love of life, but it had forced me to do a serious self examination and to try and sort out just what the hell had just happened to me and what was I to do next. And...had demanded that I look at the future in an entirely different light, a future and light I had not requested or desired, as many of you can understand, but one which was mine nonetheless.

So, I compiled the list, set the  volume and immersed myself in the music...for the first time the urge for tears was barely perceptible...I was listening to our music, and I was really enjoying the songs once again...I mean, really. This entire situation was triggered I think by a simple act that had taken place during the previous month.  There is a friend with whom I had begun to exchange music libraries with and some of the tunes I received, I had not heard before, but they sounded good to me and I really had made a point to listen to each of them...I think a lot of the words in many of them struck a chord in me, and set the tone for me to be able to go back and delve into the favorites DJ and I liked so much...the fact that this friend is from another region of the country and from a different background helps; it allows me to experience another facet of our human condition and to learn about how, despite perceived differences, grief cuts across all boundaries and lays bare the purely common aspects of all of our lives, the common sense of devastation, loss, and confusion.  And I am making sure my friend knows how important this has all  been for me. The music I received because of the exchange has become more implements for me to use in my conflict with grief,...it's probably not so strange that the word grief rhymes with thief...for sure it has tried to steal my enjoyment of life, most of my clear headed thinking, and it definitely tried to pilfer my positive outlook on the future...the meaning in that one word, grief is powerful, to say the least and I am sure all who read this understand what I'm saying here. ''Good Grief...'' will never have the same meaning again; for us, it is truly a nonsensical phrase.

The past  3 or 4 months had been spent purposely facing grief and calling on it to do it's best, for me as for many, the struggle is of Titanic proportions...it having it's way with me in the opening rounds as I was literally thrust into the ring of personal loss and forced to face it unprepared.  Grief delivers a devastating barrage at  times, mind numbing headshots which can lead to confusion and temporary loss of memory; powerful body blows which bring forth tears, phantom pain and the occasional re-run of our latest meals; deprivation of rest and sleep is it's 'rabbit punch', and it uses all of these in a very effective manner. It has a tendency to respect no rules regarding our  interpersonal relationships or emotional health, and it does not acknowledge any standing 8 counts. It states in no uncertain terms that it is here to stay and will have to be dealt with.  I understand that many of us are currently engaged in this duel with grief, what I write here is only my experience with it so far..It tries to get the best of our hearts by constantly reminding us of the loss that has affected that same heart, and our minds.  For me they are one and the same, the heart and the mind, they simply live in different rooms within the same house.  No matter where they have residence, grief calls them out on how we deal with life now, on how we manage to do more than just survive in the aftermath of emptiness surrounding our loss...being able to embrace the words of the songs helps me to combat the assault by grief, this allows me to believe I can once again try to look forward to enjoying life, make friends and gain some measure of satisfaction from the everyday living we all must do.        

As I have more rounds with grief, the initial fuzziness caused by it is starting to wear off a bit...I can focus on some of it's movements, and sometimes can parry a jab at my well being, or an attempted one-two punch to my mental state and physical condition, but it is a true, no holds barred battle and we should stay aware of that fact. In my case, there is one thing I can firmly attest to, grief offered no feints or fake attempts at delivering blows, each one was meant to be thrown, are squarely placed, and from my point of view, landed on the button; it had the uncanny ability to find each of my weak spots and laid into me with hellish accuracy and effectiveness.  But, I am not disheartened by the results of the contest so far, today I feel I can hold my own with it, if not out rightly defeat it; I am sure it has not gotten the best of my heart just yet, our human spirit is a lot stronger and more resourceful than we might think.  We can use the words of songs, the comfort of friends and our own pure intellect to defend against grief, we have to because it will not quit the fight. It is a crafty and resilient foe, coming at us from odd angles and causing us to fight through tears at the most inopportune of times, disrupting our attempts to guard against those seemingly innocent moments, we are almost crushed under by stinging reminders of what has happened; with quick hands and fancy footwork it can take us from being incredibly peaceful and serene to having to struggle just to maintain a survivable heart rate or escpape the clinches of depression.  A wily foe indeed, but one that we can and will deal with.  

So it is the words along with other things that are helping me now, words from songs, words from friends, words from what I can read...they are allowing be to do battle with grief on almost equal footing, and if I have not won the fight, I think I am ahead by a point now.  Trying to follow the words of this particular song by Chaka Kahn, ''...leave the rest Up to love...'' proved difficult at first, I had been blinded by grief's constant onslaught and could not see past the fog...but today, now, with clearer vision, I feel I have an fair chance and can trust to the future and leave the rest up to love; but it should be understood that I am not doing this alone...if it takes a village to raise a child, then it takes a world of good caring people to help us adults rise from being laid low on the canvas of life by grief, and I am fortunate to have some of those people in my life who, along with my family and the words are helping me to forge ahead. As Chaka sings so soulfully and simply at the end of this song:

''Always look inside the people that you’re with, And never hang around those who can not give...''

 It reminds us of how we can help ourselves and others in this tragic struggle; today I can look up and around at the words and  people about me...the concern they show, the words they offer...they are truly helping me to understand and appreciate the future; that future will be there whether I participate in it or not, but I am choosing to join it, embrace it, and maybe try to have my words about it account for more than two cents this time.

In another episode in my life as I was recovering from a sickness I cultivated, I was reminded that I should not get too ''high'' on feeling cured...that I had only been given a temporary reprieve from the disease.  It was suggested that I remember that this ''honeymoon'' period was a very dangerous time for me and could lead me to think thoughts of self aggrandizement and notions of infallibility, I can tell you those were very wise words and I am remembering them now with this different feeling of a ''shift''  and applying those considerations here.  For sure, it would not be wise to become over confident in my abilities in dealing with grief, it is a worthy adversary and has to be respected for the damage it can do, not fearing it mind you, for we cannot live in fear, but giving it the necessary estimation of it's power and it's knack for chewing huge chunks out of our emotional and spiritual backsides. So as the music plays and I ponder the new meanings many of the songs now have for me, I focus for words...

Pax
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"I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go), my dear…” -eecummings

  

At last, I Shrugged

As time moves forward and the everyday considerations once again start to take control, I continue to try to work on the more practical things that have to be done these days, pay DJ's cell phone bill, (my excuse for keepping it is I might break mine and I need a backup), change X club's membership to my own name only, remember the city sticker is due on DJ's car by the end of the month...as I say, the everyday things...one of my more ambitious things I'm trying to do is incorportate two home offices into one, with all the paraphernalia that comes along with that, the reminders come also, simple things, forgotten things.  The stuff from our two offices is a lot, 2, 3, sometimes 4 of the same items, staplers, boxes of paperclips, binders, labels, pens, pens galore....desk trinkets, hanging file holders, and even some books. As I sorted through this stuff to try and determine what to put in the new office area I began to look through the books...yes, Math for Idiots we keep, local zip code guide, that goes into the new office, binder with all the office equipment info, put that right in front of me, and my book of ''1001 Insults (Anguish Guaranteed!)'' is a must...then I noticed a paperback, it was Ayn Rand's ''Atlas Shrugged''.  Tried to remember why that was among this office stuff...ummm...could not...but I did remember when I had bought the book, that was years ago when I use to hang with a group of people who could out talk me...The Saturday Review Crew that's what I unofficially called us.  None of us could write, but we would sit around and compare rejection notices, and drink and lie, and dream; some of us actually did get to Paris, but by the time they landed on the left bank things had changed, James Baldwin was gravely ill and one of my favorite writers, John Williams had fled the scene.  They found that our grand ideas of being expatriates and living there, drinking Pernod and discussing the value of literary pieces, existed mainly in our own minds, and I was told to keep my money and stay home; the illusion we had created in our minds was far better than any reality we might find there...I did stay home...all that occurred a some time ago.  Anyway, I remembered someone had told me the book was of great social import and that I just had to read it, so I had hurried out to buy it...after reading a bit I remember putting it down, I realized I wasn't that sophisticated, at least not at that time, later, I did mange to read it...I continued to move on through the other office stuff, as I did, I looked back over at the cover; the title comes in various covers, the one I have has Atlas partially bent over, holding a globe of the earth above his head...studying Atlas there, arms raised above his shoulders struggling with the huge orb that sits in his grasp...the title stuck in my mind, I thought about it, thought about what that title really meant..what it would mean if Atlas really was supporting the earth, and he decided to shrug.

The resulting chaos would be unimaginable of course, with the results being felt across our entire world, every person, place, or thing would be affected right down to the tiniest creature or smallest item one can imagine.  That's how I'm feeling about this grief...I have been affected right down to the molecule level; that is not an overstatement. All of us who endure this will probably agree with me that there is not one area of our lives or emotional being that has been left unaffected, life altering event fits in here somewhere. I had began to think that because I was able to start doing some of the ''old'' things that I had experienced all of what grief had to offer, again I was proven wrong...nothing new about that these days tho...some things are more familiar now, making the coffee is not as bad as it once was...and I can listen to most of our music with only a few tears here and there; some things, though painfully obvious and natural, can throw me a curve; DJ's Reeboks I sat by the salon chair in the basement, that long ago, last time I helped her up the steps (swollen ankles) are still sitting right there...I don't know why I am constantly surprised to find them that way, they should be there, no one else to move them...but at least I can make it past them without the tears threatening to flow.  

For sure, many of us feel as though Atlas may have done much more than shrug...more like he decided to dribble the earth across our galaxy. The truth is our worlds have been shaken and everything is affected, in my own situation, I know Atlas did more than shrug, seems like he had an attack of the DT's. The resulting disruption was felt by every cell in my body and affected my life as nothing before has; it was total, complete.  Fortunately it appears that the tremors are subsiding and calmness may soon make a much desired appearance...recently I have returned to some of the things I used to do before we received the diagnosis, and to some of the things I had lost interest in during the 4 years that followed; updated my phone, some may say a simple thing, but important to me, DJ called me a ''phoneslut''  because I changed phones so often, I even picked up my camera and tried taking a few shots...actually lost track of time while out taking pictures, that had not happened in a very long time, losing track of time. There are a lot of new names in my acquaintance list and few fresh ones on my ''new friends list''; in short, there is a different routine to my life that is not altogether bad.  

Inside, deep, where there is no mystery, no hiding, I know that my life is continuing to be shaped by DJ's loss, but the idea of a happy future does not appear to be so foreign now. Maybe the ''different'' life is slowly taking hold...just maybe I am starting to feel o.k. with all of this...kind of a scary thought, becoming comfortable in the life without DJ, but the feeling isn't all that bad; not nearly as bad as the sheer terror and stifling fear I once felt would be my lot for the rest of my life.  This is all coming without the pang of guilt I hear others who travel this road speak of as they move through grief and begin to re-enjoy life; I simply cannot feel guilty about feeling good about life...oddly, or maybe not so oddly, I find myself craving this new feeling, for me there's a certain tinge of excitement about it and I feel I'm prepared to experience it...not that childlike giddiness associated with many things, but an almost quiet, but steady sensation of the possible...I think it is bringing me some peace..of course there is still the missing of DJ, but that too has become somewhat ''familiar''...and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, after all, it is a fact. Having had my world not only well shaken, but for all intents and purposes, turned upside down, I need things to be in a good, safe and stable place once again, I just can't see how I can continue otherwise.  For the most part, early on, I understood that I could not (would not) live in that place which presented itself so soon after the antics of Atlas first struck, that place of confusion and fear, place of quiet and sometimes not so quiet desperation...my problem was I could not see a way forward as I had no experience at losing the most important person in my life, and worse, for a while I floundered as I frantically searched for answers everywhere...this led to that desperation, which in turn led to dark thoughts about questioning whether life was worth continuing at all...

So I am taking these thoughts forward with me, slowly, taking time to examine them in the light of all that has happened, moving ahead with a bit more knowledge about life and death and the human spirit.  Recognizing that no one has all the answers, understanding even better that I don't have to have them either...that there are some things that are simply unknowable...I like to remind myself also, that though I often seek those answers, I may not like them if they are really revealed to me...so DJ, we compromise once more and hopefully this one will be like so many of ours, where we both felt we got what we wanted anyway...we will take this different outlook and embrace it for all the best it has to offer, giving nothing away of our older, cherished and so damned loved selves, but integrating the surely different emotions about our reality today into the people we a slowly evolving into.

There is a picture of DJ which hangs in our house, I put it up the day after DJ was put to rest; for a while, soon after, I would be stopped by it, her looking right into my face and I would break into tears...I considered taking it down, but decided against that, It had to be there.  After a while I would just walk past it, conscious that it was there, but not looking at it, at least not every time...it still produced a powerful reaction, but the crying eased and finally stopped altogether.  The other day, after getting a lot of the office items sorted, what was staying, what was going, and looking at that paperback for a while, I purposely went and took another long and hard look at her picture hanging there; strong emotions surged through my mind and I know there was a physical reaction, but there were no tears, no uncontrollable crying and the thought of joining her was fleeting at best.  This was a special moment for me and I may not be relating it well enough for others to understand the depth of the meaning it carried for me, but it was all there and I felt it...after a while I looked directly into her eyes and I shrugged; not a shrug of surrender mind you, no, this was more of an indication of resignation...a gesture to the popular phrase ''...it is what it is...''. I am resigned to the fact that I will live on, and that I will feel good about it too. Can this be the beginnings of acceptance?  Only time will tell if that's so...after I had made this movement, this shrugging, I looked around the room...the glasses in the china cabinet were not clinking from shaking, and I saw nothing on the dining room table had moved; I think I'm starting to feel it's safe to come out again.

''on and on''

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings