JustH

In my attempts to help mend the tattering effect grief has had on the fabric of my brain, one of the threads I am using, is one representing the shifting of the pattern of that fabric; I have briefly mentioned that particular thread here previously. That is the thread of hope. It is joining together the pieces of this life-cloth as the journey through grief continues; combining that section which has all of the shock, disbelief, fear, and feelings of helplessness weaved into it, with that of the one which contains the intricate design of a different reality, with stitching's of some regret, much longing, the possibility of acceptance and even a renewed belief in the possible.  These may appear to be strange words coming from one who, not so very long ago sat in the window which faces the darkness and considered leaning all the way forward.  At present, the processing of the material is at best tedious, with my attention, currently being given to the seam which holds together the edges which represent the well worn piece of the life DJ and I shared and the newer but unevenly trimmed section that is me attempting to move forward with the belief that I can have real hope for the future without the physical presence of her...it appears the major obstacle not only for me, but for many of us is how to do this...for me I think the answer may start 15 words back...with how, or more accurately, H O W.

In attempting to describe how I am approaching my hope for the future...I think it's important to remember that all of our various journeys are so different, although the starting point in each  contains the base element of grief; what works for one of us may not yield the same results for another.  So I have chosen H. O. W., Honesty, Openness, Willingness...the basic three spools I am taking the threads from, which to try and embroider some type of future to keep me away from that damn window.  As the fog begins to lift, and I am able to glimpse the possible of the future, a future I want to really believe in and have hope about, my approach requires me to make an honest attempt to try and recognize, understand, and actually participate in it.  To do this I have to recall what DJ and talked about when we discussed this time in our lives.  During the four years between the diagnosis and her eventual death, DJ and I had maybe four or five, what I would call cold, serious conversations about what was occurring and the aftermath ...covering almost every aspect of our lives, past, present and possible future...they were excruciating at best and horrifyingly revealing at their worse, with the subjects that were required to be talked about ranging from the mundaneness of the location of curtains and other household items, to the moderately important decisions regarding car and house issues, right down to the properly serious concerns of her last wishes, the children and the future which I would face, possibly alone, for the duration. The first one or two early conversations were awkward, with neither of us knowing just how to start them or just what should be said and how; I remember them as being solemn at first, with DJ dispensing information regarding her personal wishes, the house and the children...  ''...I know you will, but please, just take care of each other...'', is one of the most vivid statements I can remember. Of course in my mind that was a given, but I know DJ had to say it, had say it out loud. After a couple of more talks along these lines, the focus shifted to our life together and what life for me might be like, just how I would manage without her.  During one of the more intense talks we had, I remember saying to her, through tears running down my face,  ''...Donna, damn, I hope you you don't feel like you wasted your life...staying with me all these years...'', my reference being to her staying with me despite the poor behavior I had displayed during the earlier years of our marriage...as I looked almost past her, through the window, trying to concentrate on nothing in particular that was going on outside, I recall her turning my face towards hers and saying, in a manner which took me by surprise in it's calmness...''...Bay, I know my life with you was not wasted...promise me, you won't stay alone...that you will find someone to be with...''. At that point I said something to the effect that how could I even consider someone else after having had the best...the image of that entire scene has never left me, and I doubt that it ever will.

This too is part of the cloth that I will wear into the future, and it has to be one of the most, if not the most honest moment we ever shared together.  The Honesty I feel I need to carry with my hope in the future demands that I recall that time and make it a permanent part of me, that will not be difficult, but I realize that to do that, I have to recognize, that to really ''live'' in that future, I will have to place the memory of DJ and our life together in a safe place in my mind .  It requires me to trust that the power in which I believe, created me spacious enough to accommodate feelings for someone else with the same effort and passion as I had for DJ; that is one of the things I honestly believe. I want to make it clear what I am trying to say here; my belief in this is not something I speak of lightly, it is a core tenet of my life.  There are many words dedicated to the expressions of '' my one and only...'', ''...the only one I could ever love'', or ''...my soulmate...'' and I am willing to accept those declarations at face value, but my own  reasoning behind that acceptance may be a bit different; it is based not on any inability of my Higher Power to impart to me the capacity to care deeply about more than one person, but more to the fact that I chose to limit that capacity to that one person, and that I made a promise to that person which stated you are special to me and I will treat you as such.  So, in that vein, the capacity remains within me as does the ability to make a choice concerning making a deep emotional investment in someone.  I address this first in my own issues about the future because I have read and heard so much about this particular aspect from others in our efforts to move through grieving, I had at first believed I was not affected, but I found that to be not true.

In order to maintain the integrity of the fabric which is to drape the future, this honesty has to extend to the other things which present possible 'got cha's' for me; such as the resentment which sometimes wants to well up within me when I see others enjoying the life of being a couple, or my penchant to wanting to decry the unfairness of life as I wonder why my beautiful DJ is no longer here while many I consider undesirables remain to clutter the landscape.  I understand these are real, human emotions and that they can easily be attributed to the frailties of human nature; it is not so much that these thoughts crowd in on me, but my response to them which counts, by admitting to myself that they exist at all is my first step in trying to remember that I don't really have to view them with negativity. It should be pointed out that all this talk about honesty is not intended to imply some great conversion on my part, that because of my current experience with grief I have somehow been transformed into some sought after symbol of truth, justice &ct...no, the same character defects which I was afflicted with before, still remain and my ability to fall short on the calls of doing the next right thing is still potent, and indeed, requires that I remain honest on that score as well; it is my approach to this different future of which I am speaking now, the work on those other things continues also.

So, it is to the future I look, with an honest hope first, that real living is once again possible; a future and hope which seemed impossible just a few months before when death unraveled our lives and only dread and pain appeared to be our only options.  A time when merely thinking beyond the then, current, fear and apprehension was not even possible...I think we all can identify with those times, probably many of us are still enduring the anxiety they produce. At  those times it can be difficult to believe that anything other than they exist for us, that any talk of possibilities for a livable future is pure wishful thinking and that the shroud of sadness will be our garment for the rest of our lives.  But I want to believe that we can be the tailors of our future, that each of us can find the necessary mending materials and knit together, from the patchwork of our past memories of people and events a future we can believe and trust in and move torwards with honest hope.  Perhaps I'm just a dreamer, maybe this is just my way of trying to justify my attempt to give a different meaning to my life now...as I am not ashamed to say, I don't know; but I do know that I do not want to feel that because of the recent events in my life, that now, there is nothing of real value worth living for.

This being honest about hope for the future may or may not serve me well in my attempt to go on to the future, only time will reveal that.  But I am dedicated to the effort, I am trying to use it as another tool to assist me in shaping a different life.  To give that hope a chance and not believe that we are destined to be miserable for the rest of our lives is the stage I am at now with the piece work of myself.  I do not fear the challenge as I once did, I truly believe that a future with hope is possible...moreover, I feel I want it, it is the work of actually doing it now that is to be done, starting with just H O W... 

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings