JustHO

Openness...Having made my best commitment to the notion of being Honest about facing the future and what it might hold, I now turn to the next letter in my implementation of 'H O W'......although it maintains the center position, I don't believe it is subject to the misfortunes noted in the popular belief that I have heard mention of, concerning special difficulties associated with middle children. (for some strange reason tho, as I thought about this, about openness, visions of rows and rows of cans proclaiming ''WhupAss'' came to mind along with others lableled ''Worms''...I have no idea why those thoughts came into my head).  I think the type of  openness I'm getting at has to be firmly rooted in my attempt to go forward.  This openness is not limited to me and my ability to reveal and examine things about myself, but also includes me being open and accepting to those things which I may be required to actually do in order to make the future livable for myself.  It is my suspicion that this openness will have to be totally removed from that isolated, almost claustrophobic feeling I carried in those eary days and weeks; when solitude was sought, because the mere thought of being around any other than DJ was just to hard to handle; that time when I could look at anyone, and find reasons why they should not be here, and DJ should...dangerous thoughts indeed.  Although I do have some experience in trying to be open, that experience coming as the result of a different ailment, totally unlike grief, but devastating nonetheless, I am somewhat apprehensive that the same approach will give benefits, but we can only try.  The healing of that illness also required that I face a different future and examine just what would be necessary to do that.  In a way, I think I started trying to practice some openness in these writings, these purgings, by relating some of the history of the life which DJ and I shared. This was not my main purpose when I started trying to assemble memories, it had been suggested to me in order for me to avoid carrying too much around in my somewhat limited mind, and to a keep away from seemingly very sensible ideas (at least to me) about going past the point of no return, and I considered it a purley selfish endeavor to save my own life.  

Then, like now, it was mandatory that I accept certain facts about my life, attempt to incorporate those into my own ideas and then devise a strategy to make certain efforts and try to stay cognizant of, if those efforts were succeeding or not. Just thinking about it exhausts me to no end; the reliving and playing over of recent events takes a tremendous toll as most of you already know, but for myself I can see no other way.  It it not too difficult for me to be open about the events surrounding DJ's illness and eventual death...at first it was easiest with close family members, the thoughts and emotions flowed freely, allowing me to express some of my deepest feelings, I think I needed that, especially with the family.  Together, we spoke of everything, feeling safe enough to share our recollections of recent events...from how we thought at which moment it was when DJ really left us and when her physical form finally followed, to our memories of our own, personal last moments with her, each of us describing what we thought was that special look we knew she had given only to just us. But a lot of this was group work, thoughts and memories being shared to support and reassure one another, they required no real action, and the only consequences were related to possibly evoking tears from another family member.  That same openness, applied to my thoughts of a future can and presented elsewhere, in a way, can be fraught with danger for my mental health...but I have to try.

Starting with the openness about simply wanting to live on at all, into a future without DJ; in my readings and research, there are many instances of which I've read where some think that they are betraying the memory of their partner by wanting to  live in and enjoy the future. Perhaps this is a natural response to our loss...we feel bad that we are willing to live and enjoy, while our mates are no longer here and cannot share in this with us. I'm open to wanting to enjoy the future, I feel open to accepting that it can be done without betrayal or without thinking I don't deserve it. Having decided to continue, I am starting to feel an elation about wanting to live on and to being open to just what is next in store; open to the possible joys, heartbreaks, 'got cha's, random happiness and sadness which we all know at least intellectually, are a part of living, but which has been skewed by grief and has us thinking we have been singled out for some special kind of hell.

Then there is the being open about how the loss of DJ's physical presence had at once sent my thoughts to the conclusion that companionship for me, was over, I had been given my turn, and it was at an end, it was as simple as that; this way, there was no need to feel the possible guilt which can be associated with this exercise...I told myself this for the first few months, even attempting to reinforce it by putting myself in situations which I considered a test of the validity of that conclusion; the results of that test are important only in that they show that I was operating on a faulty premise. Later, as my mind began to clear somewhat, more rational thoughts came into play and allowed for a more realistic base idea about future partners, and a clearer perception of what the future could really be like in that regard. It forced me to get honest about some things I had not thought to deal with...I have mentioned my thoughts on those results in another place previously, as Honesty was required also to avoid the mire; future Fred has capacity, and can have a future with companionship, and without guilt.

Of course the idea of openness is not exactly foreign to us, it is probably one of the things we cherished most in our relationship with our partners...that ability to be free to talk about our innermost thoughts, fears and feelings with someone in whom we had the deepest of trusts.  No matter the subject, no matter how delicate a turn the conversation might take, we could feel secure in the knowledge that in most cases, judgment would rarely be introduced into the mix. Or if it was, it was hardly ever arbitrary or condescending, mostly, directed in a manner to assist in better decision making or to calm some worrisome fear we may have been nursing.  Just how this particular part of this will work out, I have no idea, but i believe it is an integral part of my own attempt to go forward.  It is surely another example of just how much has been removed from our lives, and which, I think, will have to be rebuilt in an entirely different setting in order for us to go forward with a stable and healthy mental attitude..This is probably the one thing I miss above all else (other than DJ physically being here, of course).  After having this in our lives, it's absence surely makes approaching life without them so much harder.   

But I fear the most challenging of all the issues brought forth by this openness is that one which requires me to be open and accepting to the fact that some or none of this will do any good at all; if I am to be totally honest and open about the entire situation, I have to explore the possibility that this will not work; not as a measure of sabotage or projection, but as a practical possible out come, and that is as it should be, not only with this idea of openness, but with all things dealing with this grief, at least for me. If this doesn't work, it won't be the end of the world...I've seen a good part of that end already, but another bump in our road to healing. At times it becomes almost too much, this work, this toiling through grief, it is exhausting to say the least; the urge to say ''to hell with it all'', is powerful..but it appears it has to be done if we are to go forward with a better understanding of ourselves and the facts regarding our lives. After having experienced such open and fulfilling relationships, we may find it is very difficult to believe another one is possible and getting past that may prove impossible.

As I have stated before, these are just things I personally am trying in order to cope with the loss of DJ; I have no formal training in trying to decipher the many aspects of grief and it's effect on the human psyche or the issues related to it; I have no real understanding of the ''various levels of grief'' or just what can trigger depression; but I do recognize that there is no one solution that will heal us all at once, that there is no panacea on the horizon. Along with other things, this idea of openness is something I am trying to use in order to  become more comfortable and hopeful about my current situation and the future.  Just my attempt to deal with avoiding the contents of all those rows of cans that seemed to have crept into my thoughts. 

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings