For Words

''Don't let them, get the best, Of your heart, leave the rest, Up to love and you'll be taken care of...''

('Best of Your Heart' - Chaka Kahn, 1978)

I was listening to some of our favorite music last week, DJ's and mine...I had detected a shift in my general mood earlier, and felt strong enough to try and sit through a few tunes, there had been a delay in me doing this as I was not sure the shift, the movement was really happening; I waited about a week to see if it was really happening, my family and some friends kept asking ''...are you all right?...''.  During this time I had become a bit more reserved than usual, but I was only thinking, trying to determine if this was for real...finally I convinced myself that it was real, this realization of hope for the possible...the past 7 months have been like no other...life's greatest roller coaster being rode with me hanging on for life and sanity.  Since DJ died I had not listened to much of what we enjoyed together...not too much anyway, instead I had retreated to my personal favorite genre of music, Classic Rock, and had taken to letting the music put me back in a safer more defined place in my mind, a place which had kept me entertained and just distracted enough over that time period to avoid being depressed...but since  then, I had felt this...change in my general outlook, this...movement (?), I setup a playlist of our mutual favorites; this particular song that the opening line comes from, would always lead to us dancing if we were doing stuff in the basement...well, her dancing and me stumbling along with her...I had always taken the words in the context of being involved with another person...now even the meaning of those words have shifted.  At first I began to think about how grief had tried to get the best of me, not only had it tried to take away my will to live on and my love of life, but it had forced me to do a serious self examination and to try and sort out just what the hell had just happened to me and what was I to do next. And...had demanded that I look at the future in an entirely different light, a future and light I had not requested or desired, as many of you can understand, but one which was mine nonetheless.

So, I compiled the list, set the  volume and immersed myself in the music...for the first time the urge for tears was barely perceptible...I was listening to our music, and I was really enjoying the songs once again...I mean, really. This entire situation was triggered I think by a simple act that had taken place during the previous month.  There is a friend with whom I had begun to exchange music libraries with and some of the tunes I received, I had not heard before, but they sounded good to me and I really had made a point to listen to each of them...I think a lot of the words in many of them struck a chord in me, and set the tone for me to be able to go back and delve into the favorites DJ and I liked so much...the fact that this friend is from another region of the country and from a different background helps; it allows me to experience another facet of our human condition and to learn about how, despite perceived differences, grief cuts across all boundaries and lays bare the purely common aspects of all of our lives, the common sense of devastation, loss, and confusion.  And I am making sure my friend knows how important this has all  been for me. The music I received because of the exchange has become more implements for me to use in my conflict with grief,...it's probably not so strange that the word grief rhymes with thief...for sure it has tried to steal my enjoyment of life, most of my clear headed thinking, and it definitely tried to pilfer my positive outlook on the future...the meaning in that one word, grief is powerful, to say the least and I am sure all who read this understand what I'm saying here. ''Good Grief...'' will never have the same meaning again; for us, it is truly a nonsensical phrase.

The past  3 or 4 months had been spent purposely facing grief and calling on it to do it's best, for me as for many, the struggle is of Titanic proportions...it having it's way with me in the opening rounds as I was literally thrust into the ring of personal loss and forced to face it unprepared.  Grief delivers a devastating barrage at  times, mind numbing headshots which can lead to confusion and temporary loss of memory; powerful body blows which bring forth tears, phantom pain and the occasional re-run of our latest meals; deprivation of rest and sleep is it's 'rabbit punch', and it uses all of these in a very effective manner. It has a tendency to respect no rules regarding our  interpersonal relationships or emotional health, and it does not acknowledge any standing 8 counts. It states in no uncertain terms that it is here to stay and will have to be dealt with.  I understand that many of us are currently engaged in this duel with grief, what I write here is only my experience with it so far..It tries to get the best of our hearts by constantly reminding us of the loss that has affected that same heart, and our minds.  For me they are one and the same, the heart and the mind, they simply live in different rooms within the same house.  No matter where they have residence, grief calls them out on how we deal with life now, on how we manage to do more than just survive in the aftermath of emptiness surrounding our loss...being able to embrace the words of the songs helps me to combat the assault by grief, this allows me to believe I can once again try to look forward to enjoying life, make friends and gain some measure of satisfaction from the everyday living we all must do.        

As I have more rounds with grief, the initial fuzziness caused by it is starting to wear off a bit...I can focus on some of it's movements, and sometimes can parry a jab at my well being, or an attempted one-two punch to my mental state and physical condition, but it is a true, no holds barred battle and we should stay aware of that fact. In my case, there is one thing I can firmly attest to, grief offered no feints or fake attempts at delivering blows, each one was meant to be thrown, are squarely placed, and from my point of view, landed on the button; it had the uncanny ability to find each of my weak spots and laid into me with hellish accuracy and effectiveness.  But, I am not disheartened by the results of the contest so far, today I feel I can hold my own with it, if not out rightly defeat it; I am sure it has not gotten the best of my heart just yet, our human spirit is a lot stronger and more resourceful than we might think.  We can use the words of songs, the comfort of friends and our own pure intellect to defend against grief, we have to because it will not quit the fight. It is a crafty and resilient foe, coming at us from odd angles and causing us to fight through tears at the most inopportune of times, disrupting our attempts to guard against those seemingly innocent moments, we are almost crushed under by stinging reminders of what has happened; with quick hands and fancy footwork it can take us from being incredibly peaceful and serene to having to struggle just to maintain a survivable heart rate or escpape the clinches of depression.  A wily foe indeed, but one that we can and will deal with.  

So it is the words along with other things that are helping me now, words from songs, words from friends, words from what I can read...they are allowing be to do battle with grief on almost equal footing, and if I have not won the fight, I think I am ahead by a point now.  Trying to follow the words of this particular song by Chaka Kahn, ''...leave the rest Up to love...'' proved difficult at first, I had been blinded by grief's constant onslaught and could not see past the fog...but today, now, with clearer vision, I feel I have an fair chance and can trust to the future and leave the rest up to love; but it should be understood that I am not doing this alone...if it takes a village to raise a child, then it takes a world of good caring people to help us adults rise from being laid low on the canvas of life by grief, and I am fortunate to have some of those people in my life who, along with my family and the words are helping me to forge ahead. As Chaka sings so soulfully and simply at the end of this song:

''Always look inside the people that you’re with, And never hang around those who can not give...''

 It reminds us of how we can help ourselves and others in this tragic struggle; today I can look up and around at the words and  people about me...the concern they show, the words they offer...they are truly helping me to understand and appreciate the future; that future will be there whether I participate in it or not, but I am choosing to join it, embrace it, and maybe try to have my words about it account for more than two cents this time.

In another episode in my life as I was recovering from a sickness I cultivated, I was reminded that I should not get too ''high'' on feeling cured...that I had only been given a temporary reprieve from the disease.  It was suggested that I remember that this ''honeymoon'' period was a very dangerous time for me and could lead me to think thoughts of self aggrandizement and notions of infallibility, I can tell you those were very wise words and I am remembering them now with this different feeling of a ''shift''  and applying those considerations here.  For sure, it would not be wise to become over confident in my abilities in dealing with grief, it is a worthy adversary and has to be respected for the damage it can do, not fearing it mind you, for we cannot live in fear, but giving it the necessary estimation of it's power and it's knack for chewing huge chunks out of our emotional and spiritual backsides. So as the music plays and I ponder the new meanings many of the songs now have for me, I focus for words...

Pax
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"I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go), my dear…” -eecummings