I hYear Ya'

“It was good, really, that this external world still existed, if only as a place of refuge.” 
― Patrick Suskind

In a couple of weeks it will be one year since I stumbled upon The Widowed Village site, a major part of what has allowed me to be here today, and what has truly become in a lot of ways, my own personal external world of refuge. Many of us can agree that those early raw hours, when the newness of our loss is so fresh, our thinking, our wonderings, our minds can lead us in hellish directions. As with most of us, for me, it was a totally unknown and terrifying time, a time when absolutely nothing appeared to make any sense, and seemed to falling in around us. A couple of months of me trying to regain some mental balance had been only partially successful; the resources I had used, a couple of very nice web sites, and my taking the suggestion to start a personal journal, had helped some, but still, I was feeling lost and bewildered and the desire to try and live forward was lacking. As the last few cards and calls came in and I found myself feeling more and more isolated, my ability to maintain a positive outlook waned...having read hundreds of posts of other survivors, some mirroring my own situation, I had been able to filter some of my feelings about DJ's death, and had come to understand myself somewhat better. After several episodes of total meltdowns, with me reliving the worst of the days, when her breathing had been labored and erratic, and I wept deep and hard, openly wailing the question and declaring to the now empty house, ''...I hope I did enough of the right things...Lord let me have done all I could for her...'', I was left to sit and wonder just what was suppose to occur next, just what the hell should I do next.

As I was forced to examine almost every part of my life up to that point, the thought of continuing without DJ grated on me like coarse sandpaper, continually exposing raw nerve endings to all the despair and deep sadness one can imagine, and I know almost to a person, most of you can. Finally, and having played out as many scenarios as my stunned mind could muster, I decided that I didn't want to continue; we had had our turn, and a pretty good turn at that...there was no sense in continuing the agony with no purpose in sight. Concerns regarding family, and the effects my action might have on them, were of little concern to me; my only interest at this time was relief from the agony I was enduring, and an end to the fears and terrifying thought of living without DJ. Gathering the paperwork regarding what can only be generously called our modest affairs was no stumbling block as much of it had be needed to deal with DJ's affairs, adding my meager pages to it was quite simple. After making the decision, the next few days were spent in relative calm, for sure I was still in shock, but the pain eased, and the thought of having a solution provided me a respite from the constant gnawing anxiety. I still visited the bereavement sites I had found, and read the stories of others who had walked the path I was now on, but at this point, I was no longer looking for answers, I was actually biding my time until i was prepared to put into action that thought which appeared to be my solution to the entire situation. 

As I gathered files into a single folder for deletion and checked my subscriptions to online sites, I still searched for tidbits online, that is when I happened upon the Widowed Village site. As I perused the screens offering various sources of information and links to material, i slowly became engrossed. Many of the groups and discussions I read spoke directly to what I was experiencing; I had seen a lot of it before, but for some reason this place captured my attention at a deeper level. Within minutes of joining the site, i saw that someone had friended me; I was caught off guard, not understanding this, as I had just applied; but for some reason, it made me feel...better, at a time when I knew for certain that I had not one friend in the world, this simple act meant so much; I have let that person know this. I had noticed the label leading to the 'Chat' feature, and after some time clicked on it and my journey was forever changed. With all the unsteadiness that my mental state had garnered in me, I was unsure just how to proceed; I watched as the screens rolled past and the sad stories of others unfolded before my eyes. The supportive responses and comments drew me in further, taking me away from my own miseries and into the hells others had been forced to endure. I found meaning in the simple but apparently effective advice offered to those of us whose loss had been recent and were so raw and new to the journey. When I finally mustered enough nerve to introduce myself, I was welcomed with obvious well meaning and concern; I was brought in, and given the attention which evidently, i needed. Those 4 or 5 people who were there may well remember that time...they will always have a special place in my heart...the simple advice of ''...you need to take care of yourself, First...''...''...drink plenty of water, eat when you can, and try to rest, if not sleep...'', went a long way to helping me see past what I had convinced myself was the only answer. I stayed logged on to those screens for the next month solid, reading, exchanging, learning...I found an entirely different way to think about and how to approach the path I was on; I was able to fill my head with my ideas of what the various voices of the names of the people who typed, might actually sound like and realized how much I missed DJ's voice and how these new mostly female voices I created, somehow allowed me to have some calmness. The chirps from incoming lines kept me company during the ensuing nights when sleep was a stranger and I was left to deal with myself, almost totally, by myself.

To those folks who were there, and you know who you are, these words are for you, they are to let you know, and to remind you that you have been a saving grace in at least one person's life, and you will never be forgotten by that person, Me. That I was able to turn away from the darkest of thoughts is a direct result of your intervention, and in days, it will be a year since all this occurred...a year I am sure I would have not otherwise survived...a period of time where I came to understand the roller coaster of emotions and waves of grief which can strike at any time and take us to all manner of emotional depths of despair. That I was able to withstand these is not so much in itself, that it was a part of the process of self discovery for me and assisted me in losing the ability to know everything is what I personally think is paramount, and which I believe allows me to be here now, today to only inadequately attempt these words of appreciation. It is Our One Year Anniversary, and this is my way of recognizing the significance of it to my life and to the hope you all gave me the ability to see for the different life forward. In a way it may not appear to be much in comparison to the benefits I gained, that being not only that view of hope, but being alive at all to even have a sincere desire to try and pursue that life.

Widowed Village became my external refuge, allowing me to step outside of myself and see a wider view of not only the process, but understand the greater gift of sharing and the rewards gained from engaging in that. I found I could want to move forward, that there was hope in life after the loss of DJ, and that tho wounded, healing was possible. Having been at a point where only my own thoughts and ideas had led me down one very dark road, at a critical fork, a signpost had been found which led me to now and here. So, it is important to me that I mark this passing of time, this One Year, but not in the way we usually associate this important First, but a way in which a path forward was offered and has been accepted, If i appear wordy in my expression forgive me, it is only the fullness of hope and gratitude which leads me to such doings for I am truly a different person for my experience, not only with those who were there on that first day, but to all of the members of Widowed Village; you have all been a part of helping me to truly learn the meaning of a shared experience, and for that I will be forever grateful.

In other pages I have attempted to share parts of my life with DJ in an effort to heal myself first, with benefit to others being a byproduct of the exercise. Here, this is a direct expression to all of those here who have experienced the terrible pain of loss and have chosen to engage and spread the call that a future  for us can exist. Here, I am only able to call on what limited faculties i possess to do so, but I assure you, it is done with a totality of sincerity and honesty. Thank You, All of You, for having come to know you I believe I am a better person today.

Wishing all of us continued Peace and Healing...

RecallWhen

''After all the Jacks are in their boxes

and the clowns have all gone to bed

you can hear happiness, staggering on down the street

footprints dressed in red

and the wind whispers Mary...''

     (The Wind Cries Mary - Jimi Hendrix - 1967)

Last year at this time I was still in the wilderness, with the winds of shock and confusion resulting from DJ's death in November of 2011 blowing hard; deep emotional pain and  fear were constant companions despite my efforts to come to some terms with them. Feeble attempts were being made to try and understand all that had happened, but I was fading fast. Attending a Grief Support Group had helped some, and a lone one on one session had resulted in me starting to write down my feelings and reactions to the event. It was a dark time, a time when the world which I had come to know had ended and I had no idea of how life would be maintained without the presence of most important person in the world to me, a person whom had been a part of my life for over 45 years. Bewilderment and a loss of direction haunted me and really, I could see no way forward. The illness which had claimed DJ's life, colon cancer, diagnosed almost 4 years prior had ran it's course and the expected result had occurred; now, my life, like the house which we had shared, felt so empty, so hollow. The fact that close family and a few real friends had been present throughout, had helped some and the children and I had managed to keep one another spirits bolstered to the point where full, public meltdowns had been limited. That entire time frame now comes to mind in familiar but blurry snapshots; a couple of days before the end, with DJ saying her final words to me...then the final moments as I counted the seconds between her breaths as she quietly entered her final sleep. After that, the moments become a montage, not necessarily coming to me in the order they occurred, but all there in the stark realism I know I felt...yes, it was a very dark time, I am sure most of you know of what I speak.

My information on grief and grieving had be limited to the few pages of a couple of pamphlets I had read, and they had been only of marginal help as one stated that there were 5 stages of grief and that other pressed for 7 distinct phases. This only placed more firmly in my mind the notion that there was much which I had yet to define for myself, as it appeared that the grief process contained no linear form for me to follow. It was clear to me that this would be more than I had anticipated, this idea of coming to terms with the loss of DJ; I understood that my mind processed in that linear manner and the unevenness which the journey presented added even more stress to my already frazzled mind. Some things were tried in an attempt to merely start to understand all which lay ahead. A local meetup group was found, I joined an activity at a park nearby and even tried going to church a few times. I won't say they didn't help, at least those activities did take up time as my mind was...somewhere. But the constant anxiety and feelings of despair were not easing and I became convinced that I could not continue living without DJ in my life. While flirting with what appeared to me to be the ultimate and most logical answer, I joined online grief supports sites, read hundreds of posts on the loss of a ''significant other', and submitted my email address for daily inspirational mailings...again, they helped to carry me until I reached WV, where I really began to find some answers I could use. Through the apparent caring of others to which the journey had given valuable lessons, I was able to put away thoughts of self destruction and actually started to see a way forward. I won't bemoan the difficulties involved, we all know them, we live with them each day; but as time moved forward, carrying me, despite whatever feeling I happened to be having, I began to understand better and to wallow more freely, yet efficiently...I was trying to submerge myself in the grief. At this point in the journey, I think I can say I did just that, going from thoughts of self destruction to notions of hope and possibilities. Finding that unlike the Fred of BD (Before Death), I was able to have more empathy for those around me who were in a similar situation. I found the ability to apply some lessons learned from a previous event which required me to develop a sense of self honesty and integrity, and used many of them to try and understand just what my journey was all about.

Writing things down, and writing here has become part of my living ritual and has helped me tremendously; giving me the opportunity to keep the memory of DJ in my thoughts without so much pain associated with them. Being able to attempt to describe events and feelings related to our life together has made the difference on those lonely early morning hours when sleep refuses to visit and my mind tends to wander to every dark corner it can discover. More than once, being able to think about that life and put into words those sometimes scrambled and disjointed thoughts has made the difference in merely missing some sleep, and actually throwing myself away; for sure it is a curious journey. It appears that time (as we are told, and dread hearing) is doing much of what I cannot do, but I can believe my efforts have helped also. As the months passed and living became a bit easier, the ideas of  hope and the desire to want to live forward continued to grow and a better understanding was achieved. With the support of new friends, life is not only bearable, it is desirable again, and that is what I was wanting. Along with meeting new people in the same circumstance came the desire to want to ''dance'' again...something which had seemed so impossible early on; an opportunity appeared to engage in a deep personal exchange with another person who has suffered through the loss of a partner, and I was surprised to find I could enjoy and actually ''feel'' again, I will be eternally grateful for that. I had assumed that I would be alone for the duration, but found that the  possibility exists for other options...that the dance only lasted for a while is of no matter, honesty, and practical considerations had to trump idealistic notions; we both agreed the time had been well spent, and the honest support shared, invaluable; it allows us to continue to talk and we have agreed that the other will be part of each of our lives from now on. Having shared such a deep emotional experience together, it just has to be so. For me, my dancing shoes had been cleaned and stand ready to serve purpose, as we both agreed, ''...we ain't quite  dead...yet...''. The ability to accept this as a natural part of my journey is something almost impossible for me think of just a few months ago, but goes to show that indeed, we have no idea of what can happen along the way.   

At Holiday time last year our family was in a fog, shocked beyond belief and we went through the motions, barely feeling, as I can see now; this year, we started new traditions and had a surprisingly good run through the season. Tho there was some sadness, the crunching pain was not evident, and we were earnestly able to enjoy. I quietly thought about DJ and smiled some...and cried some...but I laughed and enjoyed even more. I'm finding as the road continues that many of the things I was told early on are true and I am glad I could trust to believe; I can have the memories without so much of the pain...I can learn and do those things which I thought I never could...the ability to live forward is not some notion which I have to wrangle then force to cohere to my ideas, it can come, even quietly, this ability, it can pervade us and allow us to know that there is hope, that we can live forward in a manner of our own choosing, the only requirement for me I found was HOW, a bit of Honesty, Openess, and Willingness. Sure, the background sadness remains and I accept it as the necessary remnants of the life DJ and I shared, but it does not have to be painful, merely sad. The Roller Coaster continues as I expect it always will,and really, it has always been there, it's just that now, the added car of grief is attached, for we cannot have enjoyed  what we have lived, and not have the times of painful missing, it is a necessary part of this also. The Waves of Grief, which force us to bend to it's startling clarity, make their appearances now and then as expected and I have learned that resistance for me is futile and I try to ride them with the secure knowledge that they will pass. It is the life I have come to know now and it is one I have found I can live with. That I don't like parts of it is nothing new...I didn't like parts of the life I had before either; It has taken time for me to understand all of this, and to put it into some perspective I can live with today.

For those who may wonder just what and how the life forward will develop, I can only offer that it does exist, it is not some foreign idea created to sustain us through the raw and desperate early times. That life, I believe, becomes the results of the efforts of our grieving, of our coming to terms with the unthinkable, the unknowable, and for many of us, the senseless. It is my thought that much of how it is fashioned and shaped is determined by what and how we use our time grieving; as there is no one timeline, this appears to be open ended, and best of all, there are really no wrong answers, only those we may create which makes sense to us. It is refreshing to realize that we can live, plan, love, think, hope, and actually enjoy the prospect of living forward in the different life. Having trepidation and concern for the future is not unwarranted, but it should not trap us into the belief that our turn on the dance floor has ended, I prefer to believe that it is a pause, a pause which can refresh and allow us to enter a different type of living and enjoying. So yes, some of the jacks have been put back in their boxes, and some clowns may sleep, and altho happiness may walk a stride ahead, I think the wind also cries our names, calling us forward, I believe it is up to us to answer that call.

_____________________________________________________________________________

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

NowHere

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

                         -Bob Dylan - 1964

  

So the calendar year date has come and gone since DJ's death and for all intents and purposes, my emotions were only slightly raised above what has become normal. I am sure this is because of some of the work I tried to do during this year, but mainly the coming and going of that date was made easier by the support of new friends I have met here and elsewhere; having been a long time skeptic of online friendships, I have had to adjust, one-hundred and eighty degrees...changes. As I say the emotions of the actual day were pretty much steady state, with spikes of joy as I received gifts and cards from a few new friends in the mail, tokens of their thoughts for me and our family; and there was not a great increase in the anxiety, as in the weeks before which had been somewhat trying...of course during that time I had been feeling a bit more reflective, and more weepy. Then, a few days before the actual date, my phone crashed...normally a disaster requiring all manner of cussing and whatnot, but now, no big deal, I have backups so...I chose a saved backup to restore from and the data was retrieved. As I re-started the phone and checked things out, I realized that the restore date was from Feb. 2011; among the contacts, appointments and other things, there is almost and entire year's worth of text dialogue between DJ and I there, I immediately transferred all the backups from the phone to my desktop, laptop, and to a flash drive I keep on my car key ring; burning them to a cd is next, and no, I am not paranoid, just experienced...

As I reviewed those text messages I thought of how that time has passed, has become for me nowhere, and that really is now and here...there isn't any earth shattering conversations going on between us, just the everyday things our lives had become up to that point; DJ: 'Pat (DJ's sister), is stuck in her driveway, can you get by there?' ...  Me: ''...will b here about 20 more mins, will do...love you....''  a bit later the same day,  DJ: ''...I won't be downstairs until about  1:30, don't rush...'', that in response to me asking when I should pick her up from the clinic. I purposely read through every text, feeling the need to somehow relive those moments, thinking about what I was doing when I read her's or my responses to them...as I read, I could recall every last one of them. Reading them caused me no great pain or meltdowns, I viewed them and thought about how this is a slice of what we had lived, of what our lives had become up to that point, just the day to day living. Today I can place reading those messages in a safe place as with other things I have done over the past year to try and understand the journey.  Today, after a year, I no longer have to think and say, ''...this time last year, DJ and I were...'' or ''...last year we were doing ...at this time with DJ...'', the time for those types of things to be true has passed...forever, tho the memories remain. Up until about a month ago I had slept each night since her death on the lounger on which DJ last laid ...I'm sure some clinician could give a detailed and accurate accounting for this in terms which would thrill the hell out of a symposium somewhere, but I think it's simply because it made me feel closer to her somehow and it allowed me to be assured that the wallowing I started out to do, was complete. But keeping the lounger as a focal point had another purpose; it allowed our 5 year old grand daughter, Ms. McKoKo to stay comfortable with everything which has happened, at least I think so; she and DJ logged a lot of time on that lounger watching TV and playing games, I did not want to suddenly remove it from her life, not as it must appear to her, the same way DJ had been removed; I am sure it holds special memories yet to be revealed, for her also. I did not want it to become something she only associates with DJ's dying. Now, at times, she will join me in the bedroom and lay on that lounger and become engrossed in what is being played out on that same TV; often I'm tempted to ask her what she's thinking as she appears to be caught up in what she is watching, but I don't ask; I do not think it would be fair to do that as she may not know how to put into words what she is actually thinking...feeling, she's only 5; it could lead to frustrations she does not need and somehow I feel I might be imposing on something that she is experiencing which is very special to her.  

And the changes continue, early in the year I had taken to using a different route to come home, from where ever...I have kept to it for the most part; the Sunday paper is no longer part of my life, as I have stopped buying one since my first attempt to go through it alone, it's  just not the same as when DJ and I would sit and peruse every section.  Of course I don't eat, sleep, or spend idle time the way I once did, all that has changed too, but I think that's really what this is all about...this grieving time I mean...about making the changes, about coming to terms with the fact that everything in our lives has changed and we will never be the same again. I have returned to actually going through a routine at bedtime, and altho it appears, like the waters Dylan speaks of, seem to have grown and reminds me, yes, our very cores have been drenched; this in and of itself does not necessarily have to be a bad, or a sad thing, just something different. It is my thought that we have to be aware of the expanding waters; being no longer restricted to the private cove DJ and I created, now I must deal with the open sea of different life things, things we had not given much thought to before and it can be scary.

There were other items in the back up, a few voice mails, one with her giving me a bit of hell for being late in picking her up...another one, saying she liked me, 'just because'...I can listen to them today without falling apart as we have videos which has her talking, and I have watched them a few times, my attempt to keep her voice in my head...those voicemails will be going to cd also. Until I restored that phone I had not really thought about the magnitude of the change, or the multitude of the various things...in some ways, portions of this past year are a blur, even some of the parts I thought I was actively grieving on, hard...but most of the lessons learned have remained; fortunately, through the fog, I was able to hear much of what I needed to. Without those lessons and the information learned here, and the support from friends, I am not sure that neither I or the phone would have survived that restore; in my minds eye I can see it shattered , much as I felt I had been early on, in a hundred and one pieces after having been hurled against the nearest available wall, with the fact that a lot of the business info I work with is on there not being a barrier to such a hurling. Instead, I looked through the texts and listened to the voicemails and enjoyed...those seconds of hearing her voice erased a lot of sad thoughts in my mind, and for a while, all was serene.

With the Holidays nearly upon us, I have determined that mine will be the best I can make them, regardless of what is going on...I reason I can be sad anytime I choose to, thus I can be happy by the same reasoning, it's my choice. There is still much living to do, and thinking I have a fairly good start on finding safe places in my mind for the life that was, is making this idea of living forward easier and more appealing. I'm taking Dylan at his word when he speaks about our time being worth saving; either we start swimming in those expanded waters or for sure, we will sink like a stone; perhaps we can ride a boat in them. Of course not all of us are ready to do these things...not right now anyway, being at different points on the journey requires different things, but I think the lessons remain valid; at some point, if we are fortunate, we may need to remember these simple ideas of trying to live forward...I don't think that the grief is static, non-moving, I'm looking at my own as dynamic, energetic, able to assail me at any time, so, I must be prepared for it, using the tools and lessons learned which will allow me to move forward into whatever future may lie ahead with some degree of confidence and hope...always hope. 

So, encountering the texts, hearing the voicemails, the lounger, my thinking of DJ and Ms. McKoKo, the Sunday paper, sleeping rituals, all of it, these things do not send me scrambling as they once might have; going over what all of these things might mean, or adding to or subtracting from them causes no great pain. Today I am able to look at all of them in an entirely different light, a light I was unaware of only a few, short months ago. In part it may be a testament to the human spirit, or the passage of time or it may be my sincere desire now to live the different life. Whatever the reason, I feel prepared not only to meet the coming festive season, but also greet what festivities may be in store in living forward beyond it; I hope this is something we all can feel and believe in at some point in our own, personal journeys and in our own time. Along with all the good, the bad, the unknown, the sadness, through it all, I hope we can emerge on the other side with ideas of promise and hope flourishing.

I think one thing is for certain, ''..the times they are a-changin' '', will we?

Me Two...

A widowed friend and I were talking recently, he was saying that he had become uncomfortable with some feelings of jealously which he had noticed developing within himself. This was in regard to the relationship he had watched developed between two others we know. It was evident from his tone of the conversation that this had him worried...frustrated. As I listened, he expressed how much he missed his partner and the close relationship they had enjoyed. That it has not been that long for him I'm sure is playing a part in all of this, and his efforts to deal with it have been fairly blunted by mis-steps, false starts, and an ambivalence to the results of several encounters he has attempted; the feelings of being unsatisfied and even guilt have plagued him. Not really knowing what I could say to help, I suggested that maybe it wasn't so much jealously per se, but more of a powerful envy, adding that it was probably natural and did not indicate some fatal flaw in his character. Many times I think we need to be reminded that a lot of the emotions generated by the various events which occur around us, including grief, are a natural part of our human make-up and the real issues may begin when we impart far more credence to them than necessary. Ideally I would want to be happy for those who have rediscovered the magic of two being one, but realistically I understand the frailties of the human emotional makeup and can accept that consideration must be given to recognizing that these feelings may well exist in me also.
Later, as I thought about the conversation, naturally I began to think of my own ideas about this notion of missing that closeness and how I too at one time had felt what I have come to call that curious rage when I had seen others enjoying what is now mostly missing from my life. I imagine there was some jealously...I know there was envy. This is the one thing which I noticed immediately after DJ's death, my wanting the security and assurance of that close, intimate relationship again, and...Right Now! As the process continued and I was able to more rationally think about it, I realized that this was only normal, I should want that again, and right now...and maybe I should be envious, for it is something to enjoy and treasure as it can give one a sense of serenity and safety which can be produced by very few other things. As it relates to us widowed folks, I think it is something we have to approach with a degree of self honesty and openness in order for us to try and understand it better and to make positive decisions regarding our own thoughts if we decide to go in the direction of attempting new and more serious connections to others. My attempts to remind my friend that it was probably more envy than jealousy was really, may be my way of making my own feelings not seem so out of place...as I say, I too have had strong emotions seeing others enjoy what I'm missing now. What I think I wanted  my friend to think about was accepting this as part of our make up and not being too hard on himself about the feelings he was having.
As human beings, this idea of envy exists in us all I think, and we may only be able to separate it from raw and possibly harmful jealousy is in how we monitor the amount of energy we expend on it. My efforts are geared towards accepting it as a part of our human condition first and that it, in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing...just a human one. In all of this it came to mind how even within that close and secure relationship I enjoyed with DJ, envy and jealousy would occasionally rear up and create an atmosphere in which some things would need to be clarified and redefined. Many times I can recall feeling slighted as DJ would be involved in some time consuming task which left little time for me; or the one glaring instance about my own self which I would later have to come to terms with. That was the occasion of her 50th birthday; our children set out to give DJ a surprise birthday party and of course included me in the planning for the it...it was a catered affair, and much to do was made; I did what was asked of me and the party turned out to be a great success. But inside of me, something felt odd, as I examined my feelings about it later, I came to the conclusion that I have been envious, jealous of the fact that our children had went through so much effort for her, but not for me...up to that point anyway. Now, why I should feel this way I could not understand but the fact is that I did. It was nothing approaching a high resentment or anything, just a gnawing feeling of disappointment that maybe they liked DJ more. It may appear childish, but this is what I felt; I never said anything to anyone about it, and if the children read this, they may well be surprised. In my later thoughts about the whole thing, after regaining some sense of perspective, I was better able to understand that those feelings were coming because of my limits as a human being, and had nothing to do with what the children actually felt for me. My point here is that it did occur, those types of thoughts did enter my mind, and this was about people I know I love dearly. I think it all points to the built in reactions our human mind is capable of, with our responses to it being the most important thing.
 We are reminded that we should not canonize the memories of our partners and I can well understand the value in that. With so much pain involved in the grieving process, It is natural for us to want to remember only the best things about them and deciding not to focus on the quirks of their personalities. In our relationships there may have been the surface atmosphere of a back and forth about each other's shortcomings, mostly done in a jokingly manner, but nothing serious as we care about them and do not want to do injury to our relationship. But an honest assessment for me demands that I recall both sides of DJ's caring ways, and I can recall a specific time when we talked about this. One year on Father's day, my daughter and her husband gave me a camera as a gift; this was not just any camera, but a fairly expensive one I had been talking about for some time, mentioning that I was saving for it. Because of the cost involved, this was taking time and I had not purchased it just yet.  On that Sunday when I opened the gift, I was more than pleasantly stunned, my joy could not be contained, it was a complete package, extended warranty and all, I thanked them mercilessly, it was quite a scene. Afterwards, in the days that followed, I noticed that DJ had been abnormally quiet, not distant just 'quiet'. At first I thought maybe she was chewing on something in her mind, sorting out some issue she would later mention. But as the days turned into a week I became concerned as I knew I personally had not done anything to cause a rift. After initiating a conversation, bit by bit it came out; DJ was upset over the gift I had been given. It really came down to a deeper issue, she was having difficulty understanding why the kids didn't hold a greater resentment towards me for my earlier behavior as a drinker. The conversation about all this went on for a couple of weeks, it was our effort to sort out the family dynamics where addiction had been involved. At the time, we were all still in recovery, but our being able to lay everything out resulted in better understanding if not outright agreement with the other side; the deeper issue had manifested itself with an outburst of envy and jealousy on DJ's part and it was something we dealt with. My own issue about the party was strictly out of selfish Fred's book as for sure, what the children had done in regards to the party for her, was quite natural.
So we attempt to gain a better understanding of the many forces that try to work on us, aside from or maybe because of, the grief. It can  give us the opportunity to really use the time we spend reorganizing our minds really well as we try to move forward in the different life. To me, it appears that there are so many things which have to be addressed once we start trying to come to terms with our loss. This may not crop up as something everyone has to deal with, it just something I noticed along the path of my own journey. No matter, whatever the particular issue might be, we still would do well to approach it honetsly, and with the intention if nothing else, that we may gain a better understanding of ourselves.

This Too, Shall...

"The long and winding road, That leads to your door, Will never disappear, I've seen that road before, It always leads me here, Lead me to your door...'' - (The Beatles)


In a previous post earlier this year, I mentioned that how after some months I had detected a shift in how my thoughts about the absence of DJ was occurring. Early on, and for many months, that sinking feeling would overtake me as I did certain things which I associated with her presence; going to certain stores, hearing the various songs we liked, finding the odd article of her's which had escaped my efforts deal with her things. Altho the feeling did cause some moments of sadness and melancholy, I had come to accept them as part of the journey and something which had to be recognized as part in the grieving. After a while, the feeling was familiar, expected, even tho it caused that uneasiness. When I approached the house it would kick in, mounting the steps, my thoughts would turn to how many times we had came up those very steps, carrying bags...bringing in her latest find from some thrift store, or garage sale, or maybe just sitting there sometimes on a warm summer's evening; that feeling, that sinking feeling would be there. But one day as I came up those steps and I put the key in the lock, I realized that the sense of dread I had come to know and expect, was absent, not totally, but enough...not being fully able to describe it, for me, it can best be stated as me now expecting DJ not to be there; what's more, there was no sinking feeling now associated with the thought...it felt, natural. Perhaps this is how the journey progresses for some of us. Maybe it is a part of the journey we have to come to know and try to understand. This in and of itself is not a particularly bad thing, but I've found it triggering other feelings and questions for me.
Not having actually read any books on grief and grieving up to this point, and only scanning a pamphlet which attempted to describe the stages of grief at the start, I have no idea if this is considered a natural progression of events for the journey or not, or if it really matters, I just know it's happening with me now. Choosing to avoid any information on grief was, from the start, my attempt to experience DJ's death without interference from preconceived notions about it which I might have picked up by delving into writings about loss and grieving. I wanted whatever feelings and emotions which were generated by DJ's death to come strictly from my own mind and perceptions; my thought being that any solutions would only have to make sense there, in my own mind. Of course since that long and short time ago I have come to know some of the more common triggers involved, and have found many of them to be in line with what little I have since read about. This notion of becoming comfortable with DJ's absence really caught me off guard and I was unbalanced even more than usual for a few days. Using the resources available I looked for mention of it by others in the forums, groups, conversations I was having and found it, and what I think is several variations on it. As I say, the feeling itself for me right now, is not necessarily bad, just undefined at this point; I can describe it best as being uncomfortable because it is a new and different twist to this journey. After months of feeling one way about this entire situation, then almost in the blink of an eye, having much of the anxiety removed was not expected and some reservations are being held about welcoming it, tho I'm sure it will have it's way as most feelings associated with the death of our partners have a tendency to do. How I respond to it is the challenge.
On one hand being freed of the sense of dread and uneasiness grief has caused is good, but after months of thinking of DJ and always feeling soooo sad at the fact of her not being here, coming into the house and going certain places and not feeling so unsteady has taken some time to get used to, also it has caused me to wonder just how a safe place for this new feeling will be found. A fellow widowed friend put it best for me I think when she said ''After having been sad for so long, I'm just not sure how I should feel now, I mean after feeling sad for so long ...''. In another conversation a friend said '' I'm pissed that I'm not as pissed as I have been...''. Both of those sentiments closely mirror my own quite well, How should I feel now? I understand that this may all be part of it, but just what am I really feeling now? The response to this defined feeling is easy enough to state, at first panic, then, in a very curious development, almost feeling sad and near anger, that I'm not feeling sad...strange indeed. It really points out the subtleties which are so powerful during this journey and I think for me, this situation confirms that. I imagine it is a good thing, this change in feelings and will no doubt make more sense as times moves forward, but for now, tho not trying to overthink it, I am wondering just where this fits in the scheme of everything else involved with the process.
My first instincts lead me to believe that maybe it's part of the acceptance process, possibly how the natural trend in the journey goes for many of us. Later, when I actually invest the time capital to read about loss and grief and study what others have to say, I intend to see just how closely I can relate my own journey to those things I find in that material.  For now, I am accepting this latest bend in the road as a factual part of my own journey and I intend to see what other changes and the emotions they might trigger will surface as this long, most times lonely, but oh, so necessary journey continues. Currently I am leaning towards believing that this latest change in feelings should exist...we should naturally feel more comfortable as time passes and we understand better just how to incorporate our loss into our continuing efforts to live. Make no mistake about it, us having to like or not like it does not enter into the equation, for me it appears as a fact of my journey and something to be dealt with; we find out early on that much of what we encounter on the path, no matter how great the benefit to our attempts at healing and moving forward, does not, and probably will never be liked, we endure it, try to learn from it and carry it on with us, it becomes part of us and a safe place is found for it so that the carrying does not cause so much pain.
It should be noted that after that first burst of panic at not feeling the well known dread and sinking feeling, a very definite and continuing sense of a smattering of peace has entered my life; some portion of me which had been empty seems to be filling and it feels as tho I can safely ease my grip on some of those things which have been causing fear and anxiety. And I don't know for a fact if this is all part of acceptance or not, but it is happening and I am trying to better understand it, tho that may turn out to be impossible. The facts are that I am feeling better, about everything and for that I can be grateful. It is very curious indeed to be faced with the dilemma of having actually reached a degree of understanding and peace and then find one's self in a bit of turmoil about being there. Perhaps if I had read more...if I had looked into this just a bit more-....nah, I don't think it would not have helped me; the feelings  would still have occurred and I still would have had to deal with them. So, I arrive where I started from, believing that any and all of this journey has to traveled and dealt with individually in our own ways, and really, that's not such a bad thing, it's probably the only way we have the journey make any sense to us.