RecallWhen

''After all the Jacks are in their boxes

and the clowns have all gone to bed

you can hear happiness, staggering on down the street

footprints dressed in red

and the wind whispers Mary...''

     (The Wind Cries Mary - Jimi Hendrix - 1967)

Last year at this time I was still in the wilderness, with the winds of shock and confusion resulting from DJ's death in November of 2011 blowing hard; deep emotional pain and  fear were constant companions despite my efforts to come to some terms with them. Feeble attempts were being made to try and understand all that had happened, but I was fading fast. Attending a Grief Support Group had helped some, and a lone one on one session had resulted in me starting to write down my feelings and reactions to the event. It was a dark time, a time when the world which I had come to know had ended and I had no idea of how life would be maintained without the presence of most important person in the world to me, a person whom had been a part of my life for over 45 years. Bewilderment and a loss of direction haunted me and really, I could see no way forward. The illness which had claimed DJ's life, colon cancer, diagnosed almost 4 years prior had ran it's course and the expected result had occurred; now, my life, like the house which we had shared, felt so empty, so hollow. The fact that close family and a few real friends had been present throughout, had helped some and the children and I had managed to keep one another spirits bolstered to the point where full, public meltdowns had been limited. That entire time frame now comes to mind in familiar but blurry snapshots; a couple of days before the end, with DJ saying her final words to me...then the final moments as I counted the seconds between her breaths as she quietly entered her final sleep. After that, the moments become a montage, not necessarily coming to me in the order they occurred, but all there in the stark realism I know I felt...yes, it was a very dark time, I am sure most of you know of what I speak.

My information on grief and grieving had be limited to the few pages of a couple of pamphlets I had read, and they had been only of marginal help as one stated that there were 5 stages of grief and that other pressed for 7 distinct phases. This only placed more firmly in my mind the notion that there was much which I had yet to define for myself, as it appeared that the grief process contained no linear form for me to follow. It was clear to me that this would be more than I had anticipated, this idea of coming to terms with the loss of DJ; I understood that my mind processed in that linear manner and the unevenness which the journey presented added even more stress to my already frazzled mind. Some things were tried in an attempt to merely start to understand all which lay ahead. A local meetup group was found, I joined an activity at a park nearby and even tried going to church a few times. I won't say they didn't help, at least those activities did take up time as my mind was...somewhere. But the constant anxiety and feelings of despair were not easing and I became convinced that I could not continue living without DJ in my life. While flirting with what appeared to me to be the ultimate and most logical answer, I joined online grief supports sites, read hundreds of posts on the loss of a ''significant other', and submitted my email address for daily inspirational mailings...again, they helped to carry me until I reached WV, where I really began to find some answers I could use. Through the apparent caring of others to which the journey had given valuable lessons, I was able to put away thoughts of self destruction and actually started to see a way forward. I won't bemoan the difficulties involved, we all know them, we live with them each day; but as time moved forward, carrying me, despite whatever feeling I happened to be having, I began to understand better and to wallow more freely, yet efficiently...I was trying to submerge myself in the grief. At this point in the journey, I think I can say I did just that, going from thoughts of self destruction to notions of hope and possibilities. Finding that unlike the Fred of BD (Before Death), I was able to have more empathy for those around me who were in a similar situation. I found the ability to apply some lessons learned from a previous event which required me to develop a sense of self honesty and integrity, and used many of them to try and understand just what my journey was all about.

Writing things down, and writing here has become part of my living ritual and has helped me tremendously; giving me the opportunity to keep the memory of DJ in my thoughts without so much pain associated with them. Being able to attempt to describe events and feelings related to our life together has made the difference on those lonely early morning hours when sleep refuses to visit and my mind tends to wander to every dark corner it can discover. More than once, being able to think about that life and put into words those sometimes scrambled and disjointed thoughts has made the difference in merely missing some sleep, and actually throwing myself away; for sure it is a curious journey. It appears that time (as we are told, and dread hearing) is doing much of what I cannot do, but I can believe my efforts have helped also. As the months passed and living became a bit easier, the ideas of  hope and the desire to want to live forward continued to grow and a better understanding was achieved. With the support of new friends, life is not only bearable, it is desirable again, and that is what I was wanting. Along with meeting new people in the same circumstance came the desire to want to ''dance'' again...something which had seemed so impossible early on; an opportunity appeared to engage in a deep personal exchange with another person who has suffered through the loss of a partner, and I was surprised to find I could enjoy and actually ''feel'' again, I will be eternally grateful for that. I had assumed that I would be alone for the duration, but found that the  possibility exists for other options...that the dance only lasted for a while is of no matter, honesty, and practical considerations had to trump idealistic notions; we both agreed the time had been well spent, and the honest support shared, invaluable; it allows us to continue to talk and we have agreed that the other will be part of each of our lives from now on. Having shared such a deep emotional experience together, it just has to be so. For me, my dancing shoes had been cleaned and stand ready to serve purpose, as we both agreed, ''...we ain't quite  dead...yet...''. The ability to accept this as a natural part of my journey is something almost impossible for me think of just a few months ago, but goes to show that indeed, we have no idea of what can happen along the way.   

At Holiday time last year our family was in a fog, shocked beyond belief and we went through the motions, barely feeling, as I can see now; this year, we started new traditions and had a surprisingly good run through the season. Tho there was some sadness, the crunching pain was not evident, and we were earnestly able to enjoy. I quietly thought about DJ and smiled some...and cried some...but I laughed and enjoyed even more. I'm finding as the road continues that many of the things I was told early on are true and I am glad I could trust to believe; I can have the memories without so much of the pain...I can learn and do those things which I thought I never could...the ability to live forward is not some notion which I have to wrangle then force to cohere to my ideas, it can come, even quietly, this ability, it can pervade us and allow us to know that there is hope, that we can live forward in a manner of our own choosing, the only requirement for me I found was HOW, a bit of Honesty, Openess, and Willingness. Sure, the background sadness remains and I accept it as the necessary remnants of the life DJ and I shared, but it does not have to be painful, merely sad. The Roller Coaster continues as I expect it always will,and really, it has always been there, it's just that now, the added car of grief is attached, for we cannot have enjoyed  what we have lived, and not have the times of painful missing, it is a necessary part of this also. The Waves of Grief, which force us to bend to it's startling clarity, make their appearances now and then as expected and I have learned that resistance for me is futile and I try to ride them with the secure knowledge that they will pass. It is the life I have come to know now and it is one I have found I can live with. That I don't like parts of it is nothing new...I didn't like parts of the life I had before either; It has taken time for me to understand all of this, and to put it into some perspective I can live with today.

For those who may wonder just what and how the life forward will develop, I can only offer that it does exist, it is not some foreign idea created to sustain us through the raw and desperate early times. That life, I believe, becomes the results of the efforts of our grieving, of our coming to terms with the unthinkable, the unknowable, and for many of us, the senseless. It is my thought that much of how it is fashioned and shaped is determined by what and how we use our time grieving; as there is no one timeline, this appears to be open ended, and best of all, there are really no wrong answers, only those we may create which makes sense to us. It is refreshing to realize that we can live, plan, love, think, hope, and actually enjoy the prospect of living forward in the different life. Having trepidation and concern for the future is not unwarranted, but it should not trap us into the belief that our turn on the dance floor has ended, I prefer to believe that it is a pause, a pause which can refresh and allow us to enter a different type of living and enjoying. So yes, some of the jacks have been put back in their boxes, and some clowns may sleep, and altho happiness may walk a stride ahead, I think the wind also cries our names, calling us forward, I believe it is up to us to answer that call.

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings