I hYear Ya'

“It was good, really, that this external world still existed, if only as a place of refuge.” 
― Patrick Suskind

In a couple of weeks it will be one year since I stumbled upon The Widowed Village site, a major part of what has allowed me to be here today, and what has truly become in a lot of ways, my own personal external world of refuge. Many of us can agree that those early raw hours, when the newness of our loss is so fresh, our thinking, our wonderings, our minds can lead us in hellish directions. As with most of us, for me, it was a totally unknown and terrifying time, a time when absolutely nothing appeared to make any sense, and seemed to falling in around us. A couple of months of me trying to regain some mental balance had been only partially successful; the resources I had used, a couple of very nice web sites, and my taking the suggestion to start a personal journal, had helped some, but still, I was feeling lost and bewildered and the desire to try and live forward was lacking. As the last few cards and calls came in and I found myself feeling more and more isolated, my ability to maintain a positive outlook waned...having read hundreds of posts of other survivors, some mirroring my own situation, I had been able to filter some of my feelings about DJ's death, and had come to understand myself somewhat better. After several episodes of total meltdowns, with me reliving the worst of the days, when her breathing had been labored and erratic, and I wept deep and hard, openly wailing the question and declaring to the now empty house, ''...I hope I did enough of the right things...Lord let me have done all I could for her...'', I was left to sit and wonder just what was suppose to occur next, just what the hell should I do next.

As I was forced to examine almost every part of my life up to that point, the thought of continuing without DJ grated on me like coarse sandpaper, continually exposing raw nerve endings to all the despair and deep sadness one can imagine, and I know almost to a person, most of you can. Finally, and having played out as many scenarios as my stunned mind could muster, I decided that I didn't want to continue; we had had our turn, and a pretty good turn at that...there was no sense in continuing the agony with no purpose in sight. Concerns regarding family, and the effects my action might have on them, were of little concern to me; my only interest at this time was relief from the agony I was enduring, and an end to the fears and terrifying thought of living without DJ. Gathering the paperwork regarding what can only be generously called our modest affairs was no stumbling block as much of it had be needed to deal with DJ's affairs, adding my meager pages to it was quite simple. After making the decision, the next few days were spent in relative calm, for sure I was still in shock, but the pain eased, and the thought of having a solution provided me a respite from the constant gnawing anxiety. I still visited the bereavement sites I had found, and read the stories of others who had walked the path I was now on, but at this point, I was no longer looking for answers, I was actually biding my time until i was prepared to put into action that thought which appeared to be my solution to the entire situation. 

As I gathered files into a single folder for deletion and checked my subscriptions to online sites, I still searched for tidbits online, that is when I happened upon the Widowed Village site. As I perused the screens offering various sources of information and links to material, i slowly became engrossed. Many of the groups and discussions I read spoke directly to what I was experiencing; I had seen a lot of it before, but for some reason this place captured my attention at a deeper level. Within minutes of joining the site, i saw that someone had friended me; I was caught off guard, not understanding this, as I had just applied; but for some reason, it made me feel...better, at a time when I knew for certain that I had not one friend in the world, this simple act meant so much; I have let that person know this. I had noticed the label leading to the 'Chat' feature, and after some time clicked on it and my journey was forever changed. With all the unsteadiness that my mental state had garnered in me, I was unsure just how to proceed; I watched as the screens rolled past and the sad stories of others unfolded before my eyes. The supportive responses and comments drew me in further, taking me away from my own miseries and into the hells others had been forced to endure. I found meaning in the simple but apparently effective advice offered to those of us whose loss had been recent and were so raw and new to the journey. When I finally mustered enough nerve to introduce myself, I was welcomed with obvious well meaning and concern; I was brought in, and given the attention which evidently, i needed. Those 4 or 5 people who were there may well remember that time...they will always have a special place in my heart...the simple advice of ''...you need to take care of yourself, First...''...''...drink plenty of water, eat when you can, and try to rest, if not sleep...'', went a long way to helping me see past what I had convinced myself was the only answer. I stayed logged on to those screens for the next month solid, reading, exchanging, learning...I found an entirely different way to think about and how to approach the path I was on; I was able to fill my head with my ideas of what the various voices of the names of the people who typed, might actually sound like and realized how much I missed DJ's voice and how these new mostly female voices I created, somehow allowed me to have some calmness. The chirps from incoming lines kept me company during the ensuing nights when sleep was a stranger and I was left to deal with myself, almost totally, by myself.

To those folks who were there, and you know who you are, these words are for you, they are to let you know, and to remind you that you have been a saving grace in at least one person's life, and you will never be forgotten by that person, Me. That I was able to turn away from the darkest of thoughts is a direct result of your intervention, and in days, it will be a year since all this occurred...a year I am sure I would have not otherwise survived...a period of time where I came to understand the roller coaster of emotions and waves of grief which can strike at any time and take us to all manner of emotional depths of despair. That I was able to withstand these is not so much in itself, that it was a part of the process of self discovery for me and assisted me in losing the ability to know everything is what I personally think is paramount, and which I believe allows me to be here now, today to only inadequately attempt these words of appreciation. It is Our One Year Anniversary, and this is my way of recognizing the significance of it to my life and to the hope you all gave me the ability to see for the different life forward. In a way it may not appear to be much in comparison to the benefits I gained, that being not only that view of hope, but being alive at all to even have a sincere desire to try and pursue that life.

Widowed Village became my external refuge, allowing me to step outside of myself and see a wider view of not only the process, but understand the greater gift of sharing and the rewards gained from engaging in that. I found I could want to move forward, that there was hope in life after the loss of DJ, and that tho wounded, healing was possible. Having been at a point where only my own thoughts and ideas had led me down one very dark road, at a critical fork, a signpost had been found which led me to now and here. So, it is important to me that I mark this passing of time, this One Year, but not in the way we usually associate this important First, but a way in which a path forward was offered and has been accepted, If i appear wordy in my expression forgive me, it is only the fullness of hope and gratitude which leads me to such doings for I am truly a different person for my experience, not only with those who were there on that first day, but to all of the members of Widowed Village; you have all been a part of helping me to truly learn the meaning of a shared experience, and for that I will be forever grateful.

In other pages I have attempted to share parts of my life with DJ in an effort to heal myself first, with benefit to others being a byproduct of the exercise. Here, this is a direct expression to all of those here who have experienced the terrible pain of loss and have chosen to engage and spread the call that a future  for us can exist. Here, I am only able to call on what limited faculties i possess to do so, but I assure you, it is done with a totality of sincerity and honesty. Thank You, All of You, for having come to know you I believe I am a better person today.

Wishing all of us continued Peace and Healing...