I All So

 

“I don't know half of you half as well as I should like;

and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

A friend and i were talking recently, the conversation started with the usual 'How are you doing..' &ct., after I replied  ''Good...'' to the query, there was a long pause. Then, from my friend, ''Why do you always say that?...'', a little puzzled, I asked,  ''What do you mean?...'' my friend went on to explain that I always said that, Good, in response to that question. As I thought about what had just been said, the friend went on to say that I couldn't always be doing Good, and that they wanted to know how i was really doing. Before I could really answer, they continued, telling me that by doing that, saying i was doing good in my responses, all of the time, almost automatically, that maybe I wasn't really being genuine. That to them, it gave the impression that I didn't appear to have the issues we all know we suffer from as we grieve. As the conversation went on, and I began to really hear what was being said, the thought crossed my mind that what I was hearing was probably true, and should be given some consideration.
I have mentioned previously that I am not very good at the protocol of friendships, and even less so with the politics sometimes involved; since the death of DJ, I have had to make adjustments to this, and a lot of it is brand new to me. This is not to say I don't realize the value of, or the requisite mechanics of how they work, just that it has not been something I have spent a lot of time worrying about or trying to nurture; I had my friend, DJ. Now, all that has changed, with her absence, I have found that friends, right down to the meanings I ascribe to them, are not only necessary, but desired by me. It has been my good fortune to develop some friendships as I have moved along the path we are traveling; where once I had almost automatically dismissed people out of hand and had allowed my natural disdain for  the human pettiness which can be involved, to control how and with whom I shared my thoughts and feelings with, I now find that there is much to given and gained from honest and sincere friendships. DJ would especially be more than mildly surprised as most of these friendships are of the online nature, and more than once she had listened to me enunciate the shallowness I was sure must be involved in such exchanges. But as we know, grief has a way of introducing and re-introducing us to ourselves, requiring that we adjust all manner of things, including (or especially) friendships; so it has been with me.
In the best of times and under the most optimal of conditions, handling friendships can be trying, with grief thrown in, things can really become skewed. Personally, I found as the pure hell of the initial sense of shock, and the fog of bewilderment were attempting to engulf me, having only my own thoughts and ideas to navigate through it all with, was not enough; family was great, the few folks i called friends were there, but more was needed, and desired. As true healing only really started when I began to know and let myself be known to others in the same circumstance, my notions of the whole friendship idea had to necessarily change. Possibly because of the deep hurt I was feeling this all did not seem so difficult now, the old reasons appeared even more cynical and less valid. Grasping at every available straw which hinted at offering relief, I found myself able to honestly cultivate new friends and revamp an entire way of thinking which had been a part of me for so long. Also it appears that what my friend has proven once again,, at least to me, is that for sure, others can see things in us to which we ourselves can be totally oblivious about. I think in my mind, me saying that i was doing 'Good' as a ready response, was my way of not wanting to further add to any stress others might be having and a poor attempt at covering things which sometimes may have been bothering me. I realize that I am fortunate to have such wise new friends who not only are able to detect such things, but feel comfortable enough and enough of a friend to point them out to me, trusting that it will be accepted in the vein it is offered, a spirit of true caring and sharing...and today I can.
As our conversation expanded, my friend pointed out that there was the chance that the image i was projecting was one of (in their words), ''...the big fckg sheriff who has it all together...'' I smiled as i heard this as I know only too well how un-together I am,and I said so to my friend; how often the times of sadness and missing can consume me for days at a time and it's all I can do muster enough energy to get out of bed and wash; how at those quiet early morning hours when sleep is nowhere to be found and the silence roars and tears of self pity and personal regret run, uncontrollably as wave after wave of memories assault my mind and can threaten my own sanity...as I say, I know only too well ho un-healed I really am, but perhaps that is not enough. As fiends share with me their troubling times, I understand that I too must share more, must truly practice the art of true friendship in order that they should remain honest and strong. In a way it is curious that this entire conversation should take place at all, as I though that it was enough that I wrote about some of more pressing issues I have, but maybe not, maybe more is required, but as I say, I think it is good. As we talked on, I realized that the gentle but thorough chewing out I was be given was an act or concern, and it brought tears to my eyes. That I also detected a hint of piss-ment present as I was reminded that I needed to share more and not deprive my other friends of the benefit gained from helping, is of no concern, it is what good friends can express to one another with no malice being transmitted or received, merely genuine concern.
A major part of a program I am involved with, suggests that we admit our wrongs to ourselves, a power greater than ourselves and one other person. I think I can apply the same to myself in regards to my feelings and the issuess I have going forward through grief. Having done that previously, with DJ being that other person, I found great comfort knowing that someone else also knew of those things. Now, with DJ gone,perhaps it is time for me renew that practice, only this time having a collection of one other human beings to share with. Of course there are some things that the sharing of would serve no good purpose,and the program's suggestion also takes this into account, adding ''...except when to do so would cause harm or injury to others...'',  no matter how much personal pain they might cause us, those things relating to our lives which by their very nature are best kept within the confines of our own minds have to be maintained there, with it being our challenge to find safe places for them and to  come to livable terms with them.                      
So, as I have alluded to before, the journey has many a twist and turn, and this instance gives further credibility to that notion. Not only about the process of grief, but how we can come to better understand ourselves and our relationship to those we come in contact with. Having posited just H.O.W.(Honesty Openess and Willingness) as one wheel of the transport I am using on the path, when things like this arise, it is up to me to attempt to recognize the value of the opportunity to examine it with those ideas in mind. Again, what I say here is about me, that's all it can be, that others my find some kernel of usefulness is a welcomed plus, but at the most basic of levels, I can only say what i know (and sometimes have to guess at), is going on in my own mind; hopefully that does not limit it's effectiveness for me, or it's positive aspects to others.  I'm finding as I travel, I learn and my willingness to be more open to that learning is enhanced as I seethe results of changes which make those otherwise painful times, more bearable and allows me to see the value of flexibility self correction more each day.My friend said I always try to appear to be upbeat and hopeful, and of this I am guilty; I have come to believe that for me and my survival through grief it is the only way to be. As the conversation between my friend and I ended, we shared the laugh they they had been able to point something out to me for a change, and I had been able to admit a few things, and could agree that they had been right; it felt good, we both had come to know the other just a bit better and that is also good.
In a word, no, in a song, ''That's What Friends Are For''.