PeaceTrain

''People get ready there's a train a comin', don't need no ticket, you just get on board...'' - People Get Ready -Curtis Mayfield

A few days before DJ took her final breaths, I watched as she lay on her lounger, breathing peacefully, unmoving, quietly disengaging from worldly things as Ms.McKoKo gently applied lotion to DJ's swollen legs. Ms.McKoKo is our grand daughter, now, 5 years old. It was a task Ms.McKoKo had assigned herself and one she dutifully made sure she performed at least twice a day. By this time DJ was no longer initiating  any interaction with us, but every now and then I was sure she would respond by a movement, or an attempt to open her eyes if I spoke or adjusted her clothing or the bedding.  As I looked at the scene of the two of them, my thoughts went to how DJ and Ms.McKoKo had bonded over the previous 4 years, and the joy I knew that had given DJ especially with all we knew which was happening. Altho I normally did most of the driving when she and I would go somewhere, DJ could drive, and she would, for Ms.McKoKo. They were buddies in the pure sense of the word. Despite their age difference, they managed to find a comfort zone with one another which appears to have extended beyond that of the loving and solid relationship which can exist between a grandparent and child; they seemed to really enjoy one another in a very special way. They could spend the entire day watching animated movies, or engaging in the ''school time'' game. Many times they would be in our back yard, with DJ and her planting...something...anything... and chattering away with one another. Today I am grateful that all this occurred between them because it appears that it helped DJ gain some peace, tho bittersweet, from our sad situation. During one of our more serious conversations, as I attempted to get a better idea on just how she was doing mentally, DJ said, ''...It's not that I'm so afraid of dying anymore, I'm just so sad about leaving all of you...'', I understood this especially meant Ms.McKoKo.

Continuing to watch Ms.McKoKo diligently apply the lotion, I thought about the previous winter, when on a Saturday morning DJ, Ms.McKoKo, and our oldest daughter had taken a train ride. It was just the local commuter to the downtown area, but it had been Ms.MckoKo's first train ride, and she had been quite excited during the previous 2 or 3 days. Train travel for DJ and I was routine as we both had only in recent years felt more comfortable flying, and our daughter J---- was a true veteran of the rails, having logged many an hour traveling from college to visits home. But for Ms.McKoKo this was huge; I can only imagine what thoughts must have been going through her mind as she considered finally getting the chance to ride the big machine she had only seen as it delayed us in traffic sometimes, or in some movie clip. Altho DJ was still very sick, she was coping with the disease and it's effects quite well at this point. Getting around, going places, doing things...living...we tried to do whatever came to mind, budget allowing, and most things we wanted to do, we did. This train ride was one of those things, being with Ms.McKoKo and watching as her baby girl marveled at it all, bringing a special joy to DJ I'm sure.

We drove to the nearest station, parked, and bought tickets, I watched from a distance as DJ held Ms.McKoKo hand, bending every now and then to no doubt answer some question about our impending boarding and ride. Surprisingly, that nite as I watched the two of them again, and remembered all of this, there was an air of calmness about it all for me. I'm not sure why, but I distinctly remember it being that way. Maybe it was just the sight of the two of them, each quietly doing what they needed to do, DJ, drifting, and Ms.McKoKo touching, feeling and quietly talking to her. Those moments have come to me many times since DJ died and whereas early on, most times they also brought tears and a tremendous sadness, as time has passed, I have been able to remember it with much less pain and much more gratitude. The memory is in a safe place.

As we rode the train that morning, J---- and I sat together and DJ and Ms.McKoKo sat across from us. Watching as Ms.McKoKo looked out of the window and pointed the various things out to DJ as they whizzed past, tears welled up in me; the thought that we would one day be a passenger short was powerful to say the least. To us, the different buildings, truck terminals, warehouses and seemingly endless lines of tracks were quite familiar, but for Ms.McKoKo, seeing these things from a moving train was new and exciting; her glee could barely be contained as she pointed and turned to us to insure that we too had see the many wonders glide past. Dj was smiling and laughing and feigning amazement at the Neon billboards, truck yards and people standing on the opposite platform. The approach of a train going in the opposite direction caused a gasp from Ms.McKoKo as she watched, transfixed as it breezed past us, snuggling closer to DJ as the apparent closeness of it to us gave her momentary cause for concern. I remember this all very well, and today it is a good memory...no, it is a great memory because I can have it today without so much of the pain that was once associated with it and similar memories. It is a signal to me that what I have been told is true, that we can try and work on and work with our grief, but ultimately time will do what we cannot. Tho in the early times, the fresh and raw times, this prospect is not something we are interested in hearing, let alone have a belief in, I am finding it to be true nonetheless.

Since that sad morning in November 2011, when life changed forever, such memories have filled my mind and taken me to all manner of mental highs and lows; from the shattering roar of silence to my inner ear, as I teetered between going and staying, to the noisy, yet welcome echoes of DJ, talking to me, calling, reminding, whispering, and this memory too, causing me much anxiety and deep sadness early on. Trying to gain some equilibrium with the competing forces of all the thoughts is a challenge for all of us, and I am no different. We find ourselves onboard, on a journey for which a ticket was not needed, only some living, loving and some dying. And much like Ms.McKoKo, we stare, our vision locked on the many familiar things that take on a new shape and meaning; as with her, we turn, looking for explanation and  clarity about what has occurred and about the many new and different aspects of the life which we now face. We too seek to snuggle, to hold close to something known and safe in which we might find comfort as the oncoming stream of memories, thoughts, what if's, did I's, could have's, maybe's, should have's and why didn't I's rush past, leaving us battered from the tailwind of their moving through our minds. It is a journey we must make because we have truly cared and deeply loved.      

As the Saturday commuter pulled into the downtown station and we prepared to once again feel the solid ground beneath our feet, I watched as Ms.McKoKo sought DJ's hand as they negotiated the few steps to terra firma; it appeared that they steadied one another, one young, one older, both knowing and trusting the other. Perhaps I read too much in what I see, maybe, it was just two people leaving a train, I'm sure that is how it was viewed by the many others standing about...perhaps...at any rate, my idea of it warms my mind's heart, and gives me something to smile about today, and that's all that really counts, that it is a thought and memory I can have and live with today without pain. There were other marvels for Ms.McKoKo to enjoy that day as we explored downtown, a place she had never been to before but had heard us mention many times, but my thoughts are focused on the train ride we had and how much I really enjoyed it despite the gnawing thought lingering in the back of my mind about how we would not have many more of them, not all of us together anyway. We enjoyed that day, the four of us, talking, laughing, living, loving. Ms.McKoKo will mention that time every now and then and I can see the twinkle when she recalls the moments she and DJ walked the footpath around the Federal Building and stopped to look at the outdoor art there, stood in front of the fountain for a picture and sat on the bench in the plaza of a towering bank building, eating the meal from a take out place. A true standout is listening to DJ attempt to explain what the elevated train was all about, and no, it wasn't the the one we would be taking back home...It was a good day, and today it is a great memory...I am grateful that I can have it, peacefully.

And the journey continues..thoughts and memories whiz by, new and different things appear in the window of my life and we move forward, much like Ms.McKoKo, discovering new and wondrous things about the world, ourselves, and about living...and about loving...and about dying. It really is all a part of life and just maybe we can get a better understanding of it from the trials we endure. We may not be able to predict where the tracks of our journey will lead us, but because of what we have come to know and believe, perhaps the trials won't appear to be so trying, the down times, not so low, and those things which at one time held us in their grip of fear, eases their hold and we can breathe again...really live again. It could be that the ride will become more familiar and easier, I for one am finding that to be true. I believe there are many stops left to enjoy,as we go along... and not much is required, I think we simply just have to 'get on board'.