And Now...

''The journey between who you once were, and who you are now becoming,
                                        is where the dance of life really takes place''
                                                                            Barbara De Angelius


It has been almost 16 months since DJ died as I held her and watched as she took her last breaths on the lounger that still sits in our bedroom; the very same one I'm writing these words from now. Those months have passed as I struggled in those early days just to stay alive...literally, I had made up my mind to depart with DJ the day we got the diagnosis; I lived with that thought through the 4 years until her death.  In the weeks soon after, I struggled with coming to terms with DJ's death and all that it brought to the fore in my life, my now, different life. Attending Grief Share and a single one on one session helped some, but after about 10 weeks, I was on the edge. At the time I only vaguely understood how deep the impact of the shock truly went. It was only a weak grasp I had about the idea of the roller coaster of emotions and the waves of grief, as any of us, newly introduced to close, intimate loss can only have. At this time I was being assailed by them all...seemingly at once. Going through the motions, relying on auto pilot to carry me through those days, I tried to do the things I had always done; work, staying in close touch with our family, but I was still miserable. Finally I was able to pull back from the despair which held me, mainly through the contents here on this site and the supportive folks I found here. A road back to some semblance of a 'normal' life was shown to me and I really began the trek...the journey.
In that fresh time, with unsure steps my constant companions were fear, doubt, despair, bewilderment and many of the other unruly but seemingly necessary traveling partners, they appeared to be leading the way; guiding me down side roads which, which tho different, all led to that special area of the living hell apparently reserved for those who suffer the loss of a spouse or partner.  For those who are not currently making or have not had to make the trip, it is impossible to for them to adequately understand, for it to be described to them with any real meaning, the flurry of emotions which seem to be constantly assailing us, or to accurately relay the complete sense of devastation which envelops us is almost impossible. Those feelings and emotions of that fresh time return periodically to remind us of the true nature of what has occurred, I'm finding that it appears to have to be this way. But it does ease, the days flow and in time if we are fortunate some healing can begin. Coming to terms with it all is exhausting to say the least, I can say that for me, without question, I have never felt so tired from apparently doing absolutely nothing but sitting, laying and crying. Weeks of that ended and I began to get a better feel for the drastic changes which came and were to come. Getting around alone, driving, walking through stores...eating. None of it enjoyable but much of it very necessary. Early on it had been told to me that no matter how I approached the loss of DJ, work would be necessary...it was made clear to me that time would pass but what would be important was how I used that time. Taking ideas from the counseling, and later after having a confrontation with myself, trying to use online resources, I became able to make the attempt to find safe places in my mind for the memory of DJ and our life together. When I write that I do not mean safe places from the thoughts and opinions others might have...I am talking about safe places from my own thoughts, places where I can visit those memories and not have the terrible pain and the terror that accompanied them in the beginning.
By putting my thoughts and reflections down in word I was able to better understand not only what had happened in regards to DJ dying, but also, how she had affected every aspect of my life and how all of the memories were affecting me now. This effort also allowed me to feel all the hurt and joy those memories carried with them; I found all of this to be necessary for me, necessary because I had to bring into focus and view those things in the hard light of the reality of her death and come away with an understanding that made sense to me and one I could live with. In doing this I realized that the entirety of the journey, and any answers and understanding I gained, tho it may be understood by others enduring the same situation, this realization only had to make sense to me, for in the end, I am the only one who has to live with it all. Many of the things I came to understand, I did not like...neither about me, parts of our life together, and even DJ; but because there were facts, the truth, I could come to accept them. Of course in doing all of this there are the long fatiguing days and lonely and even longer nights where sleep is a stranger and reality has it's due and brings with it all the sadness and despair one can imagine; shedding tears is the only human expression I have found that truly transmits how deep and powerful the emotions go. And as that time passed, and the better days began to string together for longer periods of time, the crying evolved from every night to every other night, to every other week and so occurs only every now and then...the pain has eased, but the missing and the loneliness remain as a reminder that something very special to me is absent. Soon months had passed and new untried routines developed, a different way of life takes hold and we try to live. Finding the anticipation of the approach of the various holidays, where family was always such a part of, and the days just prior to the first year date, were much more prone to cause anxiety than the actually day, my spirits were buoyed by the good thoughts of our life together and the support of new friends. I have come to believe that many of the harder more deeply felt emotions springing from our loss have to be that way; we loved our partners deeply, beyond our ability to enunciate and we 'have' to feel those things regardless of the pain involved in doing so. Slowly with new outlooks on some very old everyday things, we move forward, learning, trying, and actually becoming the 'different' people we really are these days. Losing friends, making new ones, giving up old habits, developing different ones, coming to terms with what we are faced with, we find that which is so aptly expressed in a somewhat dated, but very appropriate movie line: we have to ''...get busy living or  die...''. Nowhere throughout these words will you find 'easy' mentioned...these things we find we have to do are not easy, many may be simple, but they all require a great deal of effort on our part to integrate them into our different lives. Finding hope, coming to believe that acceptance, whatever our own definition of that comes to be, is possible, understanding that we cannot live in those dark place for the duration...these and more are all part of our journey.
And so we arrive at what now...many challenges have been met, we have come to believe and appear ready for our next stretch of the road...but what is that to be? How do we shift from living in and with the states of sadness and all that entails, and, for a while, having that state to nearly consume us? My answer to date is I don't know. What I do know is that today I can believe there are no limits to however I might choose to shape this different life; today I understand better that the intense emotions and huge psychological shift necessary to embrace this different life are part of this and will occur. I believe it will happen not only because of our efforts but also because our human natures will allow us to sit for only so long without hope, without joy, without the idea of the possible existing in our lives today. We will agonize through it, we will despair over it, we may even resort to trying to fool ourselves about it...but at some point we will find that not only can we do it, we come to know that full living again is something we want and must have. Negative comments about this from others cannot deter us, troublesome obstacles will not block us, internal debate and wrangling only serves to better inform us on how we make the approaches to whatever we decide to move forward with. We may find that, 'And Now...' , we truly discover and utilize the potential of our human spirit.