sIghs & sIgns

 

"Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?"

      (Lyrics as recorded by The Five Man Electrical Band in 1971)

In trying to come to terms with the conditions the different life wants to impose upon us, I’m taken back to a comment made by a widow friend of mine. As we talked about the effects that grief appeared to have on us all, she mentioned  that after her partners death, she began to feel ‘old’.  Now, to me she does not appear that way in looks or spirit, but I think I understand what she was getting at. When asked if I had experienced that feeling, I said no, but that I knew what she meant although I did not get that particular feeling after DJ died, I do remember feeling that way years ago. It was after having survived another traumatic experience, combat in another country. At that time I was only 19-20 yrs. old, and having seen and done some of the things necessary to emerge alive, it had left an impression to say the least. For a period of time after returning home, there would be times when I would feel ‘old’…then I attributed it to the rigors of war and it gradually faded from my thoughts. This feeling along with all the others that make their appearance when we face such a life altering event are probably all a part of the grieving and most likely normal; but they do happen and we might want to be aware of them and not allow ourselves to run too far with them.

 Again, this feeling old is directly associated with our old nemesis, time, that enigma of nature we have only a fleeting understanding of, but yet, have such a desperate attachment to the process itself. Early on in the journey as we are experiencing the first throes of grief we hear “…the pain will ease, ‘in time’…” ; later, we realize that to be true for the most part and can then say, “…yes, there's pain, but not like ‘back then’ “, again, alluding to time. In recalling my own thoughts about the life DJ and I shared, time is involved; in both the recollection and the events being remembered. Doing this recalling does not make me feel older in any sense, although on a mortal timeline the time span may appear to be fairly long. In a curious way, thinking about all of it actually does the opposite because it takes me back to those young and fresh times when there was a family to create jobs to get and yes, memories to make. In doing this recalling, either as a dedicated effort or by happenstance as I wait for the local commuter to pass, I’m finding it s much less painful and more of a forward moving event in gaining some peace. Now, altho there are a few tears or moments of painful realization, remembering does not bring with it the sharp jolts to the senses and physical reactions that at one time almost sent me scurrying to the nearest ER. Today I can recall things and just…well…sigh.

Being  a new sensation, it’s odd…no pain associated with the feeling…no tears…just sigh. It caught me off guard when I first realized it was happening, then became more familiar, more expected. I may not be able to accurately describe it, but I know it exists for me. Perhaps, like a lot of things that are built into the grieving, it is a phase and will move on…or I will move on…but for now, this is what is coming along with a lot of the memories.

In this piece I have included a collage made from some photos taken on the day of our 30^th wedding anniversary. The children had given us, as a gift, a weekend get-a-way. Five years earlier we had renewed our vows in an elaborate wedding ceremony and sit down eats, it was a grand time, and I was glad that DJ had been so excited and happy; she had endured much with me and the six prior years of new sobriety for me had given our family an entirely different outlook.  As our 30^th anniversary approached DJ said we would wait until year 35 before doing anything like that again, so the gift from the children was a big surprise to us both.  It included a rented car, two nights at a fine hotel, spending dollars and of course their best wishes and love.  To get us dressed, their ruse had been that they were taking us to dinner so when DJ opened what she thought was just a card and found the car keys and cash, it was tears city. They even decorated the hotel room…and the bathroom…and…the ummm…furniture. There was a basket filled with snacks and even Sparkling Grape Juice. On the counter in the bathroom there were flowers and streamers and, what may appear to be specks in the photo, but which in reality are  small decorative number '30’s'…they don’t show up well in the photo, but that’s what they are. We enjoyed the weekend acting like carefree tourist and enjoying the room service; later, we would often talk about how great of a time we had, and how fortunate we were despite everything and how special we thought our children were. It’s a memory I can have today with all the emotion it deserves and I Know it is shared by DJ.

 Now, this all occurred in 2002 and the suit I wore that day has been in the cleaners many times since then. It is a custom made suit DJ bought for me when I was trying to dress to impress as I attending meetings to garner contracts for the business I was trying to make work for us. DJ said she liked seeing me in it and it still holds special thoughts for me. I still have that suit and wear it when the occasion warrants; I wore it the day of her funeral.  Recently I had a meeting with  some folks pertaining to work, and I wore that suit. As I transferred the essentials, keys, money, handkerchief and other items to the pockets of the suit coat, at one point the corner of something small and sharp became wedged between the skin  and nail of my left hand ring finger; not deep enough to be painful, but at the precise sweet spot where I could withdraw it from the pocket without touching it further, and bring it to the table I was dressing in front of. As I laid it down I realized it was actually one of the small number '30’s'. Upon further investigation as I tried to pick it up, it came apart; really, it was three number '30’s', they had been stuck together. I have included a pix, with a dime for scale reference.

I looked at them for a moment…anticipating the tears I was sure would come as a torrent of memories came pouring down over me…the moments of our surprise at such a special gift; the glee in DJ’s eye’s as we went out and saw the car which had been rented for us; the tears shed as she, myself, and all three children hugged and kissed and patted and cried and laughed together. It is a very powerful memory for me, even now all these years later, it is my hope that it remains just as fresh and powerful until the moment I take my last breath in this life.

During the journey I have often heard others speak of occurrences or the finding of items or the seeing of animals which they interpreted as signs from their partners. Altho I had never had such an experience, I am aware enough to know that Anything is possible, and have accepted that their interpretation of such events were true and believable.  For me, I am taking this as a sign from DJ that yes, you are on the right track. It should be understood here, I realize it does not require an o.k. from anyone, DJ included, but I am accepting it as such.  As my mental health regarding her death is improving, so is the day to day living, so is my general outlook, so are the business prospects. The times, they are ‘a changin’.  A lot of the efforts to find safe places for the memories of our life together appear to be paying off and I can go about my days with a new found calmness. This is not to say that the missing has eased, it has not, it’s just slowly being accepted with the pain it brings. That special ‘loneliness’ I’m sure we all know, is still here and there’s simply no getting around it; it to has to managed into our lives. But time and reflection are doing their part, and I hope I am doing mine. Living forward in this different life has to be done if we want to live and much of just how we do it is really up to us. A portion of  "...I can do this.."  here…a measure of “ …yeah, but that’s alright…” there, a smattering of  “…this is the Next Right Thing to do…”, brought in from the edges, along with a few  " ...you can go to hell..." thrown in when necessary, can make all the difference, not only in how we feel about all that has happened, but just as important I think, how we feel about ourselves.

So today, I’m taking the sighs and signs as landmarks on my personal journey as pointers to the way ahead and confirmation that yes, this can be done, and really, more important to me, yes,  I Want to do it!  In this time, as we try to negotiate the unknown trek of grief with unsure steps and foggy mind, it is good when we can really come to believe that not only can we survive this, intact (for the most part), but we can grow and thrive in the different life, understanding all the while what has been lost, and what has been gained and what can never be. Notions of right and wrong, good and bad, up and down, inside and out, can do, must do, won’t do, and a lot of other things, along with a few friends probably, went right out the window the moment we realized our partners would never return to us on this earth. We are charged now with not only creating or re-creating ourselves in this different life but also acknowledging the true impact of what has occurred and how we must deal with it; it is my belief that by doing this we truly become those persons we thought we could never be at the start of our journey.

Of course all of this about which I speak about here could be pure happenstance, my coming to terms with DJ’s death may have happened without me lifting a mental finger; the small item found in my suit coat pocket could indicate that I might want to change cleaning establishments, as I say, that suit has been cleaned many times since that anniversary day…those things may be true also; in my thinking, all possibles have to be examined and given equal credence as a possibility. However I choose to believe otherwise and in stating so here, am affirming my belief that this is a sign our human spirit is the driving force behind all we seek to accomplish and that’s a sign I can sigh about with a healthy dose of peace.