wHere

It’s  been 16 months since DJ died…Cancer kept the promise it had made four years earlier...since that terrible morning, as we watched them wheel her out of our house for the last time. Sixteen months since I sat with her leaning against me as life deserted her body; during that time I have come to call this a curious journey, this trek through grief and as more time passes, the more I am convinced of just how curious it really is. Surviving that early, terrible and often frightening time when, despite the shock, the feelings of bewilderment and confusion reigned supreme, was something I thought would not happen for me, but I did survive it…I think. We know all too well the difficulty involved, it being as unique and special to each of us, just as we are each special and unique, but with the resulting pain being commonly understood. Tho not interested in hearing it early on, the notion about time helping has proven to be accurate, and as I found for myself, more importantly, what we do with that time is really what matters. Of course some of it has to be used to examine our lives both as individuals and as the couple we and our partners once were. To say this is not such an easy thing would be to display an observation of the obvious to the extreme; dealing with older memories as well as the circumstances surrounding the more recent events is unavoidable and necessary I think if we are to move forward in the different life with any degree of success.
 So we find those methods best suited to us, counseling, both one on one and group maybe, deep personal reflection, or temporarily shutting down emotionally are some ways we can attempt to make sense out of the apparently senseless. Along with the personal reflection it was suggested that I write things down…so I did, privately at first, then publicly, stating what meager bits of information I could coherently put into words. It was probably one of the best things I could have done. Being forced to relive many of the memories I have of DJ and myself allowed me to fully feel the full weight of what has happened and to be thoroughly overwhelmed by it…for me, I think it was what I needed to fully realize that yes, this was a truly crushing blow and the effects of it were and are, total and seemingly never ending, just easing somewhat. We go through the period of stark disbelief, shuddering when we are forced to realize, many times over and over, that yes, it really did happen. Places, events, the music we hear, the scents we pick up, TV programs, once unimportant items, sometimes, even some of the people around us, all can become triggers leading us back to that point of knowing, and feeling, and wishing and hoping and regretting…with us expressing our helplessness and pain many times with the only human expression we have to display the depth of such hurt, uncontrollable tears and even primal screams, in an effort to relieve the enormous pressure we feel; physical symptoms are not unheard of, with the true physical toll being something we may never know. It is all part and parcel of the journey and has to be dealt with in the way find best for our own selves.
 It has become clear to me that despite everything which has happened, I am blessed, and here, blessed is being used loosely…blessed by whatever force or power one might wish to think of as existing...or, none at all…random acts if you please.  Understand, this clarity has only recently come to me, for much of the previous year I was submerged in the pain of loss and clear thinking was not my strong suit. Faced with idea of leaving this world and admitting that my previously held notions on the structure, idea, purpose for life were all false and disingenuous, I was able to retreat into myself and find some of the answers I needed to start an attempt at living forward. At this point, i came to the corner of myself and all the external forces life had presented to me up to that moment. At a fairly tender age I had been exposed to the horrors of war and had survived with all physical parts intact…those portions missing from my mental self are still being discovered until this very day. After having been a drinker for a good portion of my life, events turned, and I was able to salvage a good part of my pre=drinking self and managed, with the help of DJ to pull our family together through recovery. It was my good fortune to get the girlfriend I wanted, have her agree to marry me, raise three healthy children and spent over 40 years with her. Along the way we created thousands of moments which I can recall today, and which are helping to carry me, along with newly found friends, through the grief and now.
I need to be clear here, these things I talk about are not unique to my situation in and of themselves; they occur in the lives of millions of people, what is unique is my interpretation of them and the fact that only I can feel, try to understand and relate their impact on my life. And that is the very thing that makes all of this so difficult at times.  We each bring our own special selves to the grief, to the loss of that special person and resulting fallout which inevitably has to come; yet in common, we all understand the pain which accompanies that loss. Sorting out and dealing with those things unique to us seems to be the challenge. For me, early on, part of it was the idea that Honesty, Open-ness and Willingness would be required for me to have any chance at decent living forward. It should be understood here that I cannot say that I have applied this with the same degree of intensity all other parts of my life. I had to remind myself that although DJ enhanced my life, she was not my life…my life is my own; she had hers, and I have mine. Some of us may disagree and that is o.k. too as there are no wrong answers here, but, as I’m coming to find, just more questions. How I go forward in the different life cannot be dictated by what DJ might think or want, that has to be something formulated and enacted by me, for me. How I do that is entirely up to me. It is important I think, that we seriously consider this, as all too often it is so easy to buy into the idea that our living forward has to be dependent on what we feel  our partners may have wished; this is not so say that our knowing their likes and possible choices do not come into play, but for me, they cannot take center stage, they have to become parts of the mechanism that I use in propelling me forward.

Putting these things down here, I am not attempting to broadcast some great proclamation from on high, it is my sincere attempt for me to better understand and organize the events and emotions generated by DJ’s death, as they relate to my life now. And to share as a reminder to those who may be in the early throes of agony which grief brings to us all. To let them know that time and a bit of effort on our part to be willing to believe and have hope, that they too, will make it through to some region of improved clarity and better understanding  and more peaceful days regarding the things which have taken place in their lives. It may be difficult to believe that we can survive those early times when we know for certain there is no future possible…when we just know the overwhelming disbelief will never leave us…when we are convinced that we cannot live another day with the thought that we will not have them with us…ever…again; when, as we stare at those reminders, we are overcome with such a sense of loss and desperation that no amount of consolation will do…when we are totally and finally so sure that the next best thing to do is to just lay down and die…right then. But we can…we do and we find that living is what this is all about, death and dying  can be put in it’s proper place, as a part of that living.
 None of this is to say we have to like it, we don’t, I don’t but, there it is. As we emerge into the different life we carry with us the memories, the moments, and those special times which will always be part of us. In tandem with these we try to carry the hope moving forward, that we will enjoy again, laugh again and cry about something other than the loss…that we will live, and, surprisingly we do. It is not an easy journey, but it has to be traveled we have to reach those depths before the heights appear, but the heights are there…I think it really comes down to each of us understanding that this moving forward will not be served to us, no, we have to reach for it, it will not roll by on some convenient moving belt of life for us to merely choose and pluck those things we feel we need and want; we have to be proactive in our efforts to heal and make the next stretch of the journey to our liking as best we can. And since it is ‘our’ journey we do not allow others to dictate neither the pace, distance traveled; advice on what we should and shouldn’t do, how we ‘should’ be feeling, or what goals we might be attempting to reach can be considered, but only with notion that whatever answers we find for any of this ‘only has to make sense to us’.
 So I take each day these days as suggested to me in those early weeks and months, one at a time.Where before, some people, places, and things could trigger an episode of deep anxiety and grief, now many times they are acknowledged and can pass without incident…most times. There are still waves of grief…times when the missing and loneliness appears to inundate me with all the pain and fear from that first day…but they roll over and past, allowing me to endure what I must yet be able to accept them as part of the different life. It is understood they will never totally go away, they are as much a part of me now as my knowledge that DJ and I lived and loved together, and just as I would not want that memory to be erased, I cannot expect not to have the pangs of hurt caused by her absence and still be honest with the entire notion of accepting life on life’s terms…for me that’s simply the way it is and it should be that way.