Me Two...

A widowed friend and I were talking recently, he was saying that he had become uncomfortable with some feelings of jealously which he had noticed developing within himself. This was in regard to the relationship he had watched developed between two others we know. It was evident from his tone of the conversation that this had him worried...frustrated. As I listened, he expressed how much he missed his partner and the close relationship they had enjoyed. That it has not been that long for him I'm sure is playing a part in all of this, and his efforts to deal with it have been fairly blunted by mis-steps, false starts, and an ambivalence to the results of several encounters he has attempted; the feelings of being unsatisfied and even guilt have plagued him. Not really knowing what I could say to help, I suggested that maybe it wasn't so much jealously per se, but more of a powerful envy, adding that it was probably natural and did not indicate some fatal flaw in his character. Many times I think we need to be reminded that a lot of the emotions generated by the various events which occur around us, including grief, are a natural part of our human make-up and the real issues may begin when we impart far more credence to them than necessary. Ideally I would want to be happy for those who have rediscovered the magic of two being one, but realistically I understand the frailties of the human emotional makeup and can accept that consideration must be given to recognizing that these feelings may well exist in me also.
Later, as I thought about the conversation, naturally I began to think of my own ideas about this notion of missing that closeness and how I too at one time had felt what I have come to call that curious rage when I had seen others enjoying what is now mostly missing from my life. I imagine there was some jealously...I know there was envy. This is the one thing which I noticed immediately after DJ's death, my wanting the security and assurance of that close, intimate relationship again, and...Right Now! As the process continued and I was able to more rationally think about it, I realized that this was only normal, I should want that again, and right now...and maybe I should be envious, for it is something to enjoy and treasure as it can give one a sense of serenity and safety which can be produced by very few other things. As it relates to us widowed folks, I think it is something we have to approach with a degree of self honesty and openness in order for us to try and understand it better and to make positive decisions regarding our own thoughts if we decide to go in the direction of attempting new and more serious connections to others. My attempts to remind my friend that it was probably more envy than jealousy was really, may be my way of making my own feelings not seem so out of place...as I say, I too have had strong emotions seeing others enjoy what I'm missing now. What I think I wanted  my friend to think about was accepting this as part of our make up and not being too hard on himself about the feelings he was having.
As human beings, this idea of envy exists in us all I think, and we may only be able to separate it from raw and possibly harmful jealousy is in how we monitor the amount of energy we expend on it. My efforts are geared towards accepting it as a part of our human condition first and that it, in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing...just a human one. In all of this it came to mind how even within that close and secure relationship I enjoyed with DJ, envy and jealousy would occasionally rear up and create an atmosphere in which some things would need to be clarified and redefined. Many times I can recall feeling slighted as DJ would be involved in some time consuming task which left little time for me; or the one glaring instance about my own self which I would later have to come to terms with. That was the occasion of her 50th birthday; our children set out to give DJ a surprise birthday party and of course included me in the planning for the it...it was a catered affair, and much to do was made; I did what was asked of me and the party turned out to be a great success. But inside of me, something felt odd, as I examined my feelings about it later, I came to the conclusion that I have been envious, jealous of the fact that our children had went through so much effort for her, but not for me...up to that point anyway. Now, why I should feel this way I could not understand but the fact is that I did. It was nothing approaching a high resentment or anything, just a gnawing feeling of disappointment that maybe they liked DJ more. It may appear childish, but this is what I felt; I never said anything to anyone about it, and if the children read this, they may well be surprised. In my later thoughts about the whole thing, after regaining some sense of perspective, I was better able to understand that those feelings were coming because of my limits as a human being, and had nothing to do with what the children actually felt for me. My point here is that it did occur, those types of thoughts did enter my mind, and this was about people I know I love dearly. I think it all points to the built in reactions our human mind is capable of, with our responses to it being the most important thing.
 We are reminded that we should not canonize the memories of our partners and I can well understand the value in that. With so much pain involved in the grieving process, It is natural for us to want to remember only the best things about them and deciding not to focus on the quirks of their personalities. In our relationships there may have been the surface atmosphere of a back and forth about each other's shortcomings, mostly done in a jokingly manner, but nothing serious as we care about them and do not want to do injury to our relationship. But an honest assessment for me demands that I recall both sides of DJ's caring ways, and I can recall a specific time when we talked about this. One year on Father's day, my daughter and her husband gave me a camera as a gift; this was not just any camera, but a fairly expensive one I had been talking about for some time, mentioning that I was saving for it. Because of the cost involved, this was taking time and I had not purchased it just yet.  On that Sunday when I opened the gift, I was more than pleasantly stunned, my joy could not be contained, it was a complete package, extended warranty and all, I thanked them mercilessly, it was quite a scene. Afterwards, in the days that followed, I noticed that DJ had been abnormally quiet, not distant just 'quiet'. At first I thought maybe she was chewing on something in her mind, sorting out some issue she would later mention. But as the days turned into a week I became concerned as I knew I personally had not done anything to cause a rift. After initiating a conversation, bit by bit it came out; DJ was upset over the gift I had been given. It really came down to a deeper issue, she was having difficulty understanding why the kids didn't hold a greater resentment towards me for my earlier behavior as a drinker. The conversation about all this went on for a couple of weeks, it was our effort to sort out the family dynamics where addiction had been involved. At the time, we were all still in recovery, but our being able to lay everything out resulted in better understanding if not outright agreement with the other side; the deeper issue had manifested itself with an outburst of envy and jealousy on DJ's part and it was something we dealt with. My own issue about the party was strictly out of selfish Fred's book as for sure, what the children had done in regards to the party for her, was quite natural.
So we attempt to gain a better understanding of the many forces that try to work on us, aside from or maybe because of, the grief. It can  give us the opportunity to really use the time we spend reorganizing our minds really well as we try to move forward in the different life. To me, it appears that there are so many things which have to be addressed once we start trying to come to terms with our loss. This may not crop up as something everyone has to deal with, it just something I noticed along the path of my own journey. No matter, whatever the particular issue might be, we still would do well to approach it honetsly, and with the intention if nothing else, that we may gain a better understanding of ourselves.