125-Ideas

The other day while watering one of the many plants which we received as a condolence, I looked at the stand the pot was sitting on.  There’s nothing particularly special about the stand other than the memory it triggers for me.  We bought two of them one day while at the local home improvement store, they had caught her eye, given her an idea.  As I say there’s nothing special about them, just everyday plant stands. They were unfinished, natural wood and would need to be painted.  Donna bought them; they could go in the dining room…I love her for her ‘ideas’.I think Donna like the idea behind things; as I moved on to a different aisle to get the things I knew we would need, wood filler, sandpaper, paint, &ct, she said “…we need all that stuff?”  When she had first seen the stands, she like the idea of where they would go and how they would look in our house.  The fact that they would need to be wood filled, sanded & painted were just minor details to her.  She loved the idea of a picture perfect dining table setting or how the tables looked when she had set them up for an outdoor meal, when we had our friends and family over.  She loved the idea of art and craft projects and actually did a lot of them; I've come across some she never opened... but it was the idea of them that really got her.  Once, when we had to get her a new printer, we were looking over the various models and she saw an All In One model, did everything but made the coffee.  She loved the idea of that and wanted it, I knew she would never open the instruction book that came with it.  That was alright, I did. 


Then there was the movies...Donna liked having the latest movies. There are two stacks of them now; the one's we've seen, and the one's yet to be watched.  That yet to be watched stack is much larger than the other...  For her, it just the idea of having those movies that really mattered.  We watched a lot of them together, along with our running commentary, we enjoyed them...i miss that. 


Sometimes her ideas were a challenge, she wanted a walk-in closet in the basement, to her it was simple; some shelves, a couple of closet poles, a little paint…no matter about  layouts, drawings or plans, or do you want the entrance on this or that end, she was in love with the idea of that closet and wanted to have it, we built it and she truly enjoyed it.


A Vegas get away had always been one of her dreams, she got to fulfill that dream.  I think it was the whole ‘idea’ of Vegas that attracted her.  The bustle, the lights, the breath taking sights, the visions that the word Vegas brought to her mind.  Oh, she enjoyed all those things I’m sure, but the idea of Vegas is what really brought her joy.  Sure, she did some of the regular things you do in Vegas, but I think Donna was most content to lie in a lavish suite, watch TV and order room service…it was the idea of just being in Vegas that made her enjoy it so much.  

Her greatest gift to me, was her idea of family, our family; and when things did not conform to her ‘idea’ of family there was hell to pay.  She is the classic matriarch, overpowering, protective, nosy and loving.  At one moment pointing out defects in your character you never knew existed and in another moment making you feel as if you could rule the world.  Here, the idea and the real came together. I know that our family was her one true passion, the thing she cherished the most. I know it because of the way cared for us and always seem to put us first. In the beginning I did not always see that, or help to make it happen, but later, as we grew together I came to love her even more for it.  You see, she not only made a family for our children, but for me too.  I mean she showed me what real family is all about, she gave me new understanding.  Folks may think I am the head of our family, probably because I am the loudest, but the true power is in Donna and how she shapes our family, even now.  There’s no replacement for this and that’s where the pain and hurt comes in. Missing that, knowing it is no longer here leaves a hole that cannot be filled.  This is the most tragic thing of all for us.  I don’t have all the words to express it right, I don’t know the correct phrases that can ‘make it all better’, they all seen so inadequate. 

But I do have my own idea.  My idea of this blog as a form of therapy for me and the family.  My idea to relay some of the memories I have of her. My idea that mabey this will make the transition easier. My challenge is to do this without elevating her to sainthood.  We're all human beings, with all the shortcomings humans have.  In that regard, I recognize I’m prejudiced, so if I forget sometimes, forgive me.  This is new territory for me and I’m still learning how to integrate this part of my life into the rest.

How to come to terms with the fact that this is life.  It’s a scary thought, this self examination, this fitting in of all of the pieces, but it has to be done.  Mabey that's the idea behind our lives, to work through the various challenges that come our way.  I don't think that's all life's about, but certainly it plays a large part in it. 


Perhaps we become better human beings by overcoming them.
       

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

124-Freedom

                                                                                                                   

‘…freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, nothing ain’t nothing honey if it ain’t free…’

 (from Me & Bobby McGee written by Kris Krstofferson  sung by Janis Joplin circa.1971)

Some time ago I was told that if you truly love something or someone you have to be willing to let them go....

Time Out! Wait a minute, I love you/it so I have to let you/it go…no compute.  Let’s try this: I love it AND I want to keep it.  I want to hold on to it with all my being, I want to somehow lock it inside of me where it can never be harmed, taken away or worse (I thought), want to leave.

As with many things these days this bit of information has taken on new dimensions of meaning for me and requires a new way of thinking to get to a clearer understanding of what is meant.  I’m getting it…I think.

When we found out we had nothing left to lose it did free us in a way.  It freed us from the temptation to BS each other.  Terrible that it took such a tragic event to bring us to that point, but that’s how it goes.  We really didn’t bs each other too much anyway, not about the things that really mattered, but this was brought into sharper focus after the diagnosis. Donna had to know she had the freedom to do, be, and say whatever she thought was necessary.  Of course she did this most of her life anyway, but at this time it was even more critical because it went directly to state of mind.  We all know the mind can affect the physical aspects of the body, and having the knowledge that we were at the no holds barred point in our lives for real, that any and everything we could do to assist the body to fight on had to be done, we tried to be as honest and open as we could.  This freedom that I’m speaking encompasses everything, period.  Freedom for Donna to know it’s o.k. to be scared, freedom to scream of the unfairness of it all, freedom to be angry because the lously s.o.b. who molested that child is still alive and our  days together are for sure, numbered.  Freedom to express the disappointments about people and events.  Freedom to argue, get mad and say things you later wish you hadn’t. Freedom to blame, curse and cry.  Donna had to know that she was free to curse the disease, the doctors, me, all of it. She had to be free to still hope, blame, and expect me to wipe away any tears she might have.  Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, she had nothing left to lose and I wanted her to be free. These freedoms she had to know and use. I want to believe she did.  

There was freedom for me also, and this is where I came to understand this a bit better. I too, in a way had nothing left to lose; at some point I reminded her that I loved her, loved her so much that I had to be  willing to let her go…let her be free…free from worry about bills, about who thought what, free from fear, free from the pain and discomfort the illness brought on.  


The line says ‘…nothing ain’t nothing honey if ain’t free…’.  Well, my baby was something, something else really, and I want to believe she’s free...really free....

pax,
                                                                                                                                  

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

123-Gifts

Of the many gifts that graced our life, the children would have to be the greatest of them all.  Beyond any material gains the world might offer, they were Donnas’ driving force for most of her life. I know nearly all parents place their children in the forefront and Donna was no exception.  We didn’t really have any idea of what we were doing at first, raising them I mean, and many times we argued about just what was the best way to deal with any particular situation; many times we disagreed, but over time we developed some common ground that allowed us to bring three children to adulthood.  I remember when our oldest daughter was newly born, a few weeks old I guess, Donna said it was time to get her ears pierced (sound from Family Feud here please), I said, "over my dead body!"  She mumbled something about that could be arranged and the discussion was over (I thought); she was quite welcome to punch as many holes in her own body as she wished, but not in our baby's. At the very least, only one ear should be done, heck, half the kid was mine!  The next day when I got in from work, I picked the baby up and sure enough the baby's ears were pierced, both ears.  That gave me some idea of how this marriage thing was going to work.  

I know Donna is proud of them, she told me so.  I’m proud of them too, but the pride she felt stems from something that only a mother can appreciate, especially over these last 4 years.  She agonized about how her being gone would affect them, would they be alright, just how they would make it.  I believe that was one of her greatest fears.   I tried to reassure her but I’m not sure it did any good.  How could it?  She knew she would be leaving our hopes for them, leaving our dreams, and, at times, our very reason to do the things we did in this life.  It must have been hard, in fact I know it was but there isn’t much one can say at that point.  I can only imagine the fear, the fear of how this was affecting them all. The fear and sorrow that her children were going to be in a world of hurt and there wasn't a damn thing she could do to prevent it. She made me promise to look after them, and of course I will, but I have no idea how I will do it alone.   But as I say, she’s proud of them, proud of the way they responded.  Proud of the way they wanted to be there every second to do whatever needed to be done. I have come to better understand the true importance of these gifts, these children, to both Donna and myself, how, in a huge way they helped to define her and give her life purpose.  I know they gave her comfort in the end.

I heard once that the bond between a mother and a child stems in large part to their once physical connection and that the father comes to love and bond with that child through the eyes and actions of the mother.  I don’t know if it’s really true but it makes sense to me.  I have come to believe that because of our current journey.  Sometimes I would mention this to her and remind her that in loving them she was also showing me how to love.  We shared a lot of things and taught each other a lot, but this is one of the greatest things I learned from her.  This entire process of living with those, whom we may soon be without, exposes the many intricate details of relationships, both family and non family.  Of course, friends grieve and mourn the passing of people they know and have developed relationships with.  Naturally, within the family it’s different.  Consider this:  all of us in this immediate family feel that general sense of loss and sadness, it’s a natural consequence of the situation, but even more, there is the individual special relationships among those family members; in our case there’s mother to daughters, mother to son, wife to husband, sister to sisters, Donna to her mother…the sense of loss seems to be different for each, though no less painful for any of us. 

This struck me hard, it made me realize that yes, my wife, my partner was leaving, and my reaction to that is from the point of view of a long time friend and husband.  But my son and daughters were losing their MOTHER…think about that, losing your mother. A special kind of hell has to come along with that.  I spent most of my adult life knowing my dad, and I do remember how I felt when he passed, but here we’re talking about your mother, moms, ‘madea’.  That’s totally different. My own mother died when I was I was 5, so my memory of her is somewhat fuzzy, I don’t remember enough to have the deep emotional attachments that develop over a long period of time between a mother and child. I have to remember that although our pain on one level is similar, on another level it is specific to each member of our family. I think somehow it ties to my main thought, that despite the individual hurt, pain and uncertainty, they are enduring and she is proud of them.  Think of the joy you feel when you know your own mother is proud of you,   Perhaps knowing this will help ease their pain.

As I stated in a previous post, this record is about me trying to come to terms with what has happened without losing my mind. The children are part of me, so part of this is about them also. An effort to make sense out of the seemingly senseless.  My thoughts are beginning to become more organized around the new situation, but I don’t like it and I know the children don’t either. Then again, we don't have to like it, just endure and be better for it.

Pax,

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

                                                                              

122-Things

 About a month before the end, I noticed that the newspaper had stopped arriving each morning.  It was her subscription, and we had talked about it weeks before, but I didn't say anything about it now. I knew she had stopped it.  It was a few days later that I noticed that her phone was unplugged;  up to that point we had screened the calls via the tv  (caller id flashes across the screen), the only one that actually rang was the one in the kitchen, and now it was unplugged.

I think that’s when my real panic set in.  Though neither one of us mentioned it, she was disengaging, preparing to leave worldly things behind...Later, after her death, as I was alone,going through her papers, sorting clothes, I stopped and looked around at everything.  It seemed a mess to me.  A pile of papers over there, various  collections of shoes stacked about (she loved shoes, can you tell?), clothes laid out on couches, armchairs, and the dining room table. She had said she wanted her things to go to the children, her sister and other relatives, with rest being donated.

I kept some things, the Christmas sweatshirt, that scarf  (or wrap thing) that I liked seeing her in… because it still has her scent on it.  As I looked around at all of it, a great sadness came down on me, I thought: ‘…so this is what remains, how pitiful, my baby’s things laid out as if in a rummage sale'.  This couldn’t be all it came down to, there has to be more…I know I cried, cried for a long time. 

Of course it wasn’t what really remains of her, and it wasn’t a rummage sale, despite the picture it presented.  As the tears eased and I began to think more clearly, I realized that it was o.k. because she wanted it this way and because she is more than the assortment of things she collected during her life. 

The truth is, Donna is the memory that each of us who loved her, carry in our hearts. She is the effect she had on all of us in this family, and the results are the parts of us she affected and the memories we have.  I began to feel a bit better as I read through items she had buried and left for me, some things from years ago, others more recent.  Some things to be shared, some things that needed no sharing beyond the two of us.  A lot of it was a painful reminder of some of the things we had been through, reminders  of the rougher patches…some of it our ‘highlights’ or, how she felt about whatever the current family buzz going on at the time. There were things addressed to the children too. 


Now I realize that I actually got a lot of healing from doing that when I did it, so soon after her death.  Touching those things, remembering certain things about the various items, I think it all helped me. I needed to do those things right then.

This appears to be something that we all do in our own time if at all, dealing with the remnants of our partners lives.  And I think that’s alright too.

Somehow I think I wanted to feel as bad as I could all at once,  I think I thought I could do it all in one fell swoop and be done with it, this feeling bad part…this feeling sad part. I see now it doesn’t work that way.

No, even now, later, though still early in grief, when I see certain things of hers, it rips through me like a hot knife. I imagine it will be that for a while. The process continues….

pax,

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go), my dear…” -eecummings                                                                                                                          

                                                                 

121-CD's

One day I put some music on CD for Donna, some of her favorite songs and such.   Many of them of course we shared as favorites, but some were songs I knew she particularly liked.  This was soon after the diagnosis, and until now I had not thought much about them.  I was listening to some of them in the car the other day and a thought occurred to me; at the time I was making them, I thought I was doing something for her, however small it might be. But as I listened to them I realized that maybe, just maybe I had been making them for myself also.  

Maybe that was the start of my attempt to prepare me for now, I don’t know.  We would play them together sometimes; we played them a lot as time ran out, especially those last few days…We all have our favorites and we know why they are special to us.  They take me back to special times and special memories with Donna, happy and sad, but it also helps he feel better now…helps me to deal with the way I’m feeling now.  Wonder if that was the subconscious at work, probably.

Perhaps, without realizing it, I knew that those CDs would be needed by me.  That they would be used to ease the pain of losing my baby…wow.   That’s another thing, let me make this clear, I did not LOSE anyone or anything.  I know it’s the commonly accepted phrase, but I just don’t like it.  It implies that somehow I had something to do with her not being here.  Like I actively participated in her disappearance.  Well I don’t think so, I didn’t misplace her, or carelessly toss her someplace, and I sure as hell didn’t drop her off somewhere and forgot to pick her up.  In my mind, loss has the possibility of being found associated with it, a chance for some type of recovery.  I don’t think that will be happening, at least not in any tangible form. This type of loss and the pain that goes with it is beyond anything I could have imagined; it demands that you recognize that the chances of physical recovery are absolutely zero.  But mabe, just mabe...

I’m finding that although not physically present, Donna is everywhere around me because she’s running around in my head, crashing through other thoughts and ideas and commanding first row attention.  She’s not lost to me, she can’t be.  The CDs reminds me of this because they allow me to call up memories of her at any time I please. It was a seemingly small act at the time, but it has turned out to be much more than I ever dreamed of.  I’m grateful for them now.  For they seem to make this grieving easier, softer, not so pointed and painful.  

Since the experience with the CDs, I have been looking for other things that I had done thinking I was doing them for her, which may end up serving me.  I’m sure they’ll turn up, maybe not when I want them to, but when I need them to.  When I need them to help me through a particularly rough day, or a sleepless night. I’m too muddled right now to think of anymore, but I pray they’re there.

As the days go by, functioning in the new life continues; a different routine has developed and my mind has settled…a bit.  The deep raw pain has eased a little and I can get through at least a few hours without falling apart.  There are still tears but that’s o.k. too.  There needs to be tears because if I can’t cry for my baby, my girl, then why have tears at all.  I must admit though, some of those tears are probably for myself; I ain’t waiting for nobody to cry for me.  

‘Don’t let the sun catch you crying…the night’s the time for all your tears….’ words from a song I listen to from time to time.  Well the sun has caught me crying, and probably will again, I’m not hiding.  I'll be listening to CDs and doing other things that may make me cry when i think of her and that’s alright, I need it, as everyone knows how much better and refreshed you feel  after a good cry.  In fact I think I’ll go have one right now….

Pax,

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

120-Number One

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“No longer being first in someone else's life is one of the toughest parts of this journey of grief we must take”.-

When I first read this I was devastated. When the magnitude of the implications involved became a bit clearer, I was forced to confront it. There’s no one who will be thinking about me, about what I need, about what I want, first. It had never occurred to me that I am not first  in someone else’s mind anymore (or at least in the mind of the person I WANT to be in).  I can see now just how blessed I have been.  How I could ever forget it is still a mystery (from her:  “ I always put you first…”).  Wonder how many times I’ve heard that, no matter, it is the truth.  During this time of confusion and fog, that is the one thing I am fairly certain of, that I was first in her life.  Not many of us get to experience that; we lucky few who do, have an obligation to recognize the sacrifices made on our behalf.  For we surely can’t deserve them. This is not a debate about the merits of such a situation, that, I will leave to greater minds than mine, I want to speak of it as a fact of my life and of the fact that if someone chooses to do that for you, put you first, that should demonstrate how much they care and love you. Donna was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I only can hope that I was able to show her how much I love and appreciated her.

Came across this (not in original form)...

>>“Where is my best friend? The one I told everything to, the one that believed in me, the one that was my biggest fan? Where is the one I did things with, the one that held me and made me feel all was right with the world? And how do I survive without her? Why is it I feel time took some of the edge off but no more? I am too young to spend the next however many years, alone; how did I end up like this? How do I get through this next year without her? I wouldn't mind any of the struggles if I had her to go through it with. How do I do the rest of this time? And I realized, too, that while we who grieve need that space and time to do it in, we also cannot become someone who is simply waiting to die. Our spouse's death has aged us, taken much of the brightness from our lives. But, to quote Tennyson, "while much is taken, much remains. There is much yet we still can do..."

The world is not the waiting room for heaven, hell, or death. It is the place we live. It is the place we build. It is the place we love. And it is high time I got back to it.

There will still be days I weep. There will still be days I get angry at the unfairness of it all. There will still be days I grieve. But I will no longer cease to live.”-<<

Those of us who are fortunate enough to have found that person, that ‘friend’ should treasure them jealously, remind them often of how important they are to us and show them that they are first in OUR lives too. This is a special relationship.  As I mentioned before, many of us never know this type of love and devotion and those of us who have, are given a special responsibility.

It’s scary going forward with this realization, the thought that I might somehow be 2^nd  or third or…not at all in someone’s else’s life. The thought that I may not find that status again; I don’t want to be 2^nd, or whatever, I’m used to being first, I liked being first, she convinced me I DESERVED to be first.  I’m  told it’s all part of this process, this grief, these uncomfortable realizations, this coming to terms with a different type of life. More of the human drama, played out live and in color, doesn’t matter if you like it or not, there it is.

 There’s a line from a song Judy Collins sings, 

“ …I’ve looked at love from both sides now, from win and lose and still somehow, it’s loves illusions I recall, I really don’t know love at all…”                 

(from the song Both Sides Now).

Was it all an illusion? Is this the other side of love?   


Many times I would say to her "...I love you baby, win, lose, or draw...".  Is our life together the 'win'? her passing the 'lose' and my belief that we will be together again, the 'draw'?  I've experienced that life and that love, so does it really matter?

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

119-Breathe

                                                                                                         




“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.”

That really sounds profound, deep, almost mystical…I saw those words somewhere once and thought ‘…that’s a great statement to hang on a wall or sit on my desk…’, let folks know I have depth, some mysticism. Today it has taken on a new meaning in my life because I have had a few moments that took my breath away, I just didn’t realize how important they were at the time but I’m glad I didn’t forget them.

The last day of school before summer break in 1966 when I was first introduced to Donna, she took my breath away, that most of my common sense, will power and a good portion of  my self confidence followed is common knowledge.

Again in  June 1968 when I first saw her on Prom night, my breath deserted me (this MUST be a dream).

Then, in March 1971, I returned from overseas, arriving home in the middle of the day. We had been apart for 13 months & 21 days, she didn’t know I was coming in.  Her mother called her at work, I sat and waited, trying to figure out how I should act when she got there; I had  faced bullets, but this was different.  When she came into the room she could have been the poster child for working mothers everywhere;  hair slightly mussed, scarf carelessly thrown around  her neck, carrying too many bags, umbrella dangling, almost out of breath herself…and carrying our son, beautiful.  I’ve never forgotten that image of her and told her about it often.  I’m not sure if I passed out that day, but I do remember struggling for my breath.

Later, after a terrible argument, where the things that were said on both sides would make a sailor blush and a hardhat weep, things that neither of our mothers would be proud of,  deeply hurtful things, things designed to incite rage and cause great gnashing of teeth (mission accomplished)...You took my breath away then too, baby.

On our wedding day, when I saw her walking down the aisle, dress flowing, eyes bright and shining…well you get the idea…there were these and many more moments.  For me, the number of these moments are immense and I am grateful for each and every one.

It appears that as we travel through this life we are given hints about the important things, the things that we should preserve in those special places in our hearts and minds.  The challenge appears to be to not get caught up in the practical, everyday ‘must do’s’ of  life, but to stop and savor those breath taking moments.  

We have all heard it before, but many of us allow those moments to pass and be forgotten. Sometimes we are pushed, pummeled and bashed so badly by this life, we are unable to appreciate the importance of those times.  Although a good portion of the life Donna and I shared took in  a lot of that pushing and pummeling, I truly treasure all the breath taking moments she gave to me.  Now you must remember, this is only me, and other events and the process of time may have clouded some of my recollections, I may be idealizing here, but even if that’s true, I don’t care, they make me feel good!  And these days I’m hanging on to any and everything that can do that.

Guess what I’m getting at is this: don’t take your moments or your breaths for granted.  You may not recognize it, but you have the opportunity to make how you will remember now, for your future memories, you can be making your breath taking moments at this instant. They are yours to create any way you like. We shouldn't expect them all the time, that would somehow diminish the importance of them, but in this case i'm thinking more is better.  I ain’t preachin’, just sharin’. 

 It is my sincere prayer that each of you receive the gift of breath taking moments just as I have, it appears they don’t cost much, take up only a little space, and are available for review 24/7. We can’t find many things these days that can do all that!.

Pax,

‘…you hate me don’t you,…………yeah, that’s why I married you...............................................twice!’

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

118-Time

                                                                                                                               

Someone said “ after all those years it must be really hard living without your partner…”.  I replied with some canned response which I cannot remember now.  Later when I recalled the conversation I really thought about what had been asked.  It related depth of feeling with time…I’m not sure it matters.  Do the people who truly care for  and love each other and have been together for 2 years love one another any less that the people who have been together for 20 years?  Is the effects of a loss after 20 years greater than that of 2 years?

Yes I’m sure the time factor has impact, yet I believe that once that moment has happened, once that look has been passed, once you know in your mind of minds and hearts of hearts that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, win, lose, or draw, then loss at any time after that moment, would be equally devastating. Sadly many of us never get the joy of meeting that person and having that type of relationship, it’s sad.  I can never forget that I am blessed that it happened for me.

As I remember our adventure together, it calms me, reminds me that I have much to be grateful for, even more than the time...it helps me carry this bowling ball I feel I have in my stomach. Many of Donna's last moments were filled with us reminding her how beautiful she was, and how she had always taken care of everyone else and it was our turn to take care of her now. Letting her know that we only wanted peace for her. For sure she became annoyed at the constant attention and would attempt to scold us (to no avail) but we wanted her to be certain that we all loved her and wanted to do anything we could for her.

Staggering through this grief, I find myself on the verge of tears one moment and eerily serene the next. The roller coaster. Sorting through papers, going through clothes (requiring you touch almost every piece...)reliving events related to these things, they relate to time, “…you wore this when we….....”; they  evoke powerful emotions and can release the dogs of misery and despair. It is up to me to remember that this is a part of the gift of life, that every portion of it has to be honestly and equally celebrated to be enjoyed.  We always talked about that. 

In going over all of this it has occurred to me just what we were involved in here, helping to build, affect, and shape a part of someone else's life and having ours shaped as well. Mabey we don't think about it, but weaving our own life into that of that special person at the deepest emotional level involves all sorts of dynamics; I really am only discovering how deep this really goes and how it appears to be a critical part of our human nature, and relates to our own individual selves. It is impossible to go back to that 'before' person, it would diminish the power and effect that our special ones had on our lives. It had not came to mind until a few days after Donna died that for the first time since I was 18, I am making decisions about the future of my life, totally on my own; I don't have to worry about how this or that will affect her, she's taken care of.

I don't want to think in terms of ME, not  after all these years of WE, that is foreign, almost unknown to my mind. I want the 'WE'll be there...',  'yes, WE can make it...', that's what I should be saying. It crushes me that those phrases no longer seem to apply.  Assembling these pieces into a new life is a tough chore.  The instructions are unclear to me, and, in my present state of mind how well can it be put together?  It is said that you should keep some part of yourself for yourself when you're in a relationship. But my parts became her parts, and her parts became my parts, and at some point they became 'OUR' parts.  
The word 'We', turned around and upside down becomes 'Me', and that really has become ME at this time, turned all around and upside down. It all becomes too much to take in, too much to think about right now.

 Accepting that and learning to live with it appears to be my greatest challenge

Pax

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go), my dear…” -eecummings

116-Intro

Where to begin...introduction, my name is Fred, & on the first day of summer in 1966 I met the person who created the greatest ripple to ever pass through my life; greater even

than the current waves of grief I am now enduring. There's a phrase from a song i love that describes it perfectly: 


'you were passing me by when you caught my eye...I have never seen a dream go walking like the way you did that day, stole my heart away, please keep it dear till we're old and gray...' 


Well, she did and she did, stole my heart and kept it. From that day in 1966 until she passed, we were involved in some way every day (my going overseas not withstanding). We married and had 3 wonderful children, Donna made a fine home for us where ever that might be.

I can truly say she was number one in thinking of others and in putting me first...I'll miss that about her. There is no doubt in my mind that i have been blessed with having had her in my life and I am grateful for that. The current sea of pain and confusion I find myself in is scary (read different, new) and unwanted. Understanding that life goes on, that the wheel must come full circle, that this is the natural order of things, that everybody gets a turn,does very little to ease the magnitude of the loss or the depth of the pain. I'm (in no particular order) sad, angry, lost, shocked, dumbfounded, scared, hurt.

I could go on, but i believe all of you here know what I mean.

Needed to put this down in writing, needed to see the words on the page, mabey to help me accept  the facts of the situation, to understand that yes, it really happened. Some days I cry, some days I just think about our life together. I hesitate to say i want her back only because I would not want her to have to endure the pain & misery of the illness. For years my prayers ended with 'Your will, not mine, be done', these are the times that the faith in what you say you believe is challenged; I've been saying it, now I need to act like I truly believe it. It is tough, the toughest thing I've ever done in my life.

It never occurred to me that I would be so sad and lonely.

Donna Jean-115

Donna & i knew each other for 45+ years, we were marred 40 of those years. On November 8, 2011 she passed; Having been diagnosed in '07 we did have some time to purposely make memories. Being on home hospice the last few weeks, our three adult children, her sister and I was by her side to the end. The people she needed to see in those last days, she saw. The immediate shock and disbelief can be crippling; the sense of the future, foggy and uncertain. The greatest gift she gave to me was her caring nature, me, being naturally contrary and selfish was able to pick up some of that caring, and i think it made me a better person. Our children have been wonderful as has her sister; we began supporting each other intensely before Donna died, & continue to do so now, but for me, the sense of despair is sometimes overwhelming. Donna is my baby, my partner, the woman i truly came to love more each day we were together. Sure, our marriage had it's ups and downs, but the ups really do outweigh the downs. It is my decision that she will always be with me, at my side, only a thought away. We had 'our' theme, this has become 'my' theme:

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go

you go, my dear… -eecummings