Up 2Us

Recently I had the occasion to be reminded why I haven't spent a lot of time trying to meet and cultivate new friendships over the past several years. Aside from the fact that I was quite content with DJ's company, I long ago discovered that I was not very good at the politics of friendship, and sought out very few. It has always been my thought that it was more a lack of social skills on my part  than anything to do with other folks. The people I refer to as my friends have been in my life for quite some time and tho few, we share a common yet rare understanding. Many of the 'friends' who were showing up after the news of DJ's death were mainly people she knew and had fairly close ties with, for most of them, I was tolerated because of her...that and the fact that I only rarely got caught stifling guffaws at some of their conversations. After things were done, I did not expect to hear from them again, and I haven't, but I understand that; they were mostly DJ's friends, I just happened to know them. There was no great letdown when I didn't hear from them because I understood where the real relationship had existed. On the other hand, those few people whom I considered my friends were there before, during, and have continued to be there; this is one reason we have maintained a relationship these many years, some for as many as 35 plus. These are the friends of mine I can call and say ''...come get me...'', and the only thing asked is ''...where are you...'' and, depending, ''...how much do I need to bring...''; of course this is a two way street, I have assured them that I'll do anything for them short of murder...............but I would help bury the body

It is a very personal and almost sacred thing with me, these friendships; I learned early on the value of true ones, and the futility of pursuing superficial ones. Aside from the fact that many of the people we once had as friends are no longer with us, and because of the scarcity of ability of many of us to construct and maintain deep acquaintances, for many, it is a rare thing indeed. I understand I am fortunate to have many of the folks I do have in my life and I try to tell them that often. We are all different, so naturally our requirements and needs in this area will be different; but as with anything else, I don't feel we should have to surrender some pretty basic living ideas in order for us to benefit from knowing others. Being selfish Fred of course I start by being my own best friend first, sometimes poorly, sometimes with careless attention to detail, and many times even to a downfall in some particular area of behavior, but always my own best friend, first.

Of course since DJ's death I have had to re-think this entire idea of friends and friendships, tho being unpracticed at the intricacies and protocols, I finally decided that as part of trying to practice the H.O.W. (Honesty, Openness, Willingness) of moving forward in the new life, I would have to at least make the effort to engage; also, the sheer weight of the loneliness requires that something be done in order to not feel so isolated. After some months here, on WV and at the couple of group things I do in my offline life, I came to develop what I guess one might call friendships...mostly online, but also several locally. Almost all have proved rewarding and have helped eased that sense of being so alone which can pervade almost every aspect of our lives these days and which for a while, had me trapped into believing it would always be that way.  

A few weeks back one of the new friends of mine said they wanted me to meet one of their other friends, so this other friend and I exchanged an email...introduced ourselves to one another and began a very light exchange, centering our conversations mostly around a couple of things we found we had in common. This went on for a couple of months, nothing special just chatter, I thought it was flowing as any casual acquaintance might. Out of the blue one evening I received a message from this other friend detailing some slight which I purportedly had directed towards them, not only that, but the few lines also included poorly veiled threats. Sitting perplexed, I thought about if a response should be sent; it would have been quite easy to ignore it or play it off lightly...that part of my mind which is trying to practice how to live this different life was saying let it go, the other part of my mind, that part which was born and bred on Chicago's West Side understood exactly what was meant by the message and almost demanded a reply worthy of the threat; I found I am not well enough yet for the first option, I replied, denying any such slight and clearly stating the impotency of threats towards me; I suggested we conclude our dialogue. I am not very good at absorbing BS, much less good at taking in manufactured BS. Later, the original friend contacted me and voiced their shock at my having defended myself and announced we could no longer be friends, I expressed my regrets at the decision, especially in light of the fact that I was never asked what happened, thanked them for their support, and said I understood; I ended the episode there.

Now, this is not about the loss of that so-called friendship or anything like that; I'm sure if I keep living, that may well happen again.  For me, that falls into the category of  'a lesson or a blessing'...in this case I think it's both; it was more of a disappointment I felt about my original friend than anything else, never asking me what had happened. What I want to point out here is about us tho, we widowed folks and how it is up to us to look our for and protect ourselves from both physical and mental abuse. For so long many of us have had someone to cover our backs, make suggestions as to things they see us doing, things which could be to our detriment, particularly when it came to the company we kept. I am sure that many of us railed against this sometimes, but I am just as sure, many times, our partners were proved correct. Now, having lost that coverage for the moment, we have to be alert and aware that our own physical and especially mental selves are protected. It is no secret that many believe the grieving person to be an easy target for much mental abuse; friends try to take advantage, sometimes mean spirited bosses try to become overbearing and petty, even family members can sometimes try to get out of hand. It is surmised that because we may be alone,we are possibly defenseless; it is up to us I think, to make clear that we are not. Being assertive in our associations is one way we can insure that others clearly understand our take on the various situations, and being willing to make it known that we are not to be tread upon is a must I think for all of us, if we are to move forward with any degree of peace...really, this just doesn't apply to grieving folks, I don't think it's a bad notion for any of us to consider, grieving or not. I am reminded of a post I read somewhere, a neighbor approached the grieving widow and offered condolences, adding, ''...don't worry about your finances, Wayne told me all about them, I'll take care of them for you...'', to which the widow quietly replied  ''Right...listen, I was suddenly made a widow, not suddenly made an idiot''.

For me, this idea of being assertive and protecting ourselves is nothing new, being slight of stature and having been blessed with the gift of knowing everything, coupled with an inherent rowdiness for which I was truly not physically designed for, I have had ample opportunities to refine my approach. Naturally this has carried over into my efforts during grieving and is a natural part of my trying to understand and develop a new design for living this different life as it relates to meeting and getting to know others. For sure, any relationship which requires me to subjugate my honest feelings or principles in order to sustain it, is truly not worth the effort. The one ass I chose to kiss in appeasement of anything, is buried in a local cemetery, and I don't see another one on the horizon possessing the requisite features to have me doing that now, not yet anyway. Being able to understand the need for us to now do for ourselves alone, that which at one time was shared, is paramount I think; forsaking our valid, and true (to us anyway) feelings in any given area, but especially in the arena of friendships, I believe, can only lead to issues regarding self doubt and poor self esteem; on this point, for my own self, right or wrong, I am dedicated to insuring it does not happen. With everything else with which we have to contend with while on this journey, setting our true feelings and emotions aside may lead us down a side path we may not care for or need.

Now, this is not to imply that we should be intractable, or unyielding; depending on the situation and the personal cost involved, we can make intelligent decisions on how to approach this matter of friends and relationships. No doubt we each have to make choices built on our own understanding of our particular situations, and on our own experiences; what I state here is about me and my way of coming to terms with the issue. It is clear to me that I cannot let the foibles of one sour instance among the many sweet ones I have come to know, stand as any type of block to me continuing to seek and nurture new friendships, actually it helps to remind me of how honest exchanges and true concern for someone are essential for any mutually rewarding association. This all goes back to me and the rest of us who are perceived to be in positions which might appear defenseless, and how we deal with the intrusions of anything which can complicate the grieving process. It comes down to the notion of self-care, first; it is up to us to look out for ourselves.

More importantly, to me at least, is the idea that I have to make sure the foundation I set as a springboard to the different life be solid in all areas and I think that can only be done by me thoroughly examining all aspects of my life, from understanding that it is up to me to now guard against unwanted intrusions and attempts to take unfair advantage of me, to the efforts of others including some friends whose best efforts to help me, always seems to end with them being helped more.  We do not have to become the targets of others, having to adopt postures and behaviors which make them feel more at ease as our own minds are left conflicted and unable to gain any sense of peace regarding our own integrity. This may be something we want to consider, this notion of making certain that we are aware enough to protect ourselves, that we don't become captives to the thoughts of being helpless and that we are in an indefensible position. I think we should remember that at some point we will arrive at the other end of this journey, and there we will meet ourselves, when we do, I think we want to be able to that with a sure and sincere desire of hope for the future, knowing we are able to protect ourselves from those things which can be an impediment to successfully living forward in the different life.

Sure, it's one more thing we may need to add to the many others that is now up to us to take care of for ourselves, but that's alright, as we are proving day by day, one step at a time, we are willing, and capable of doing those very things which once, we could not even imagine being necessary to do at all; and, moreover, we are finding that when left up to us, the impossible is, many times, a notion we can restrict to songs about dreams, often, surprising others, and ourselves in the process. 

ThanksFull

Almost naturally, at this time of year, we can find pages and pages of missives detailing the many things one or another of us are grateful for and I really think that's a good thing. Tho many of us don't require any special day or season to express our gratitude for what our lives have become, at this time of year it's almost mandatory we do so. Originally I had not planned to try and put down any thoughts about being Thanksfull, not for any lack of actually having things to be thanksfull for, but because I thought that I had probably mentioned most of them in the random thoughts I have been posting here and other places over the past few months. But after talking with our youngest daughter the other nite, I was forced to rethink the idea; her birthday is early in October, only two days apart from DJ's and normally they would celebrate them together...usually sharing a cake and enjoying the days with the family all in attendance. This had become somewhat of a tradition after the children had grown into adulthood, it was always a joyous time. Along with the birthdays of our other two children, their's being in September, for us it was really the lead-in to the entire Holiday season. Of course, the fact that DJ died in November has put a damper on that time period for now, and, this being the first year without her for us, it has naturally taken a toll on the family, but because of the birthday situation, especially the children.

From the start of all of this, I had recognized that altho I had lost my wife, the children had lost their mother, and as I have stated before, I knew I could only imagine how they must be feeling. Being careful to always listen to what they were saying when we talked, I tried to gauge just what form my support and sharing with them should take; like many of us, having no experience at losing the most important person in our lives, I could only guess about what to do; of course being older, and having a different relationship with DJ, many of the things which I understood out of hand, I knew would not be helpful, said to them, not early on anyway. Any attempts to point out how fortunate I thought they were in having their mother until they were well into adulthood versus me, having lost my own at the age of 5, tho maybe true, would probably not come off so well. To say that we should be at least a little grateful that she did not have crippling pain, or that we had a fair amount of warning may have fallen on ears unable to hear anything but the deafening silence echoing in the empty spaces in their hearts and minds. Purposely, I had avoided bringing these things up, tho I used them personally to get myself through that challenging early time when I just knew that at any moment my entire being would be ripped apart by the pain I was experiencing. Reminding myself of them was my way of making sense of the senseless and dealing with a situation over which I had absolutely no control. For me, it allowed me exist long enough until I reached a point where I could honestly consider living forward or not. But for other family members, watching their pain and suffering, especially our children, thoughts of mentioning being thanksfull about anything may have done more harm than good, at least at that time...I really don't know, but that's what I truly believed; no good purpose would be served.

Our youngest had called to talk and see how things were going with me, altho she herself had been having a particularly rough spell because of the things noted above in regards to birthdays, and we had been in contact a bit more than usual lately, daily texts...talking. She is a spirited child, much like her father, and has certain strong ideas about how things should be, including grieving; it can be difficult for us when things do not bend to our will, and as we know, with grief, more often than not, it is we who must do the bending; this is a hard lesson for her, but her call was about letting me know that things were becoming clearer for her, the edges were starting to appear more knowable, more defined. During our conversation she mentioned that the mother of a friend of her's had been diagnosed with the same ailment as DJ, colon cancer, mets to the liver; the doctor had given a prognosis fairly close to that of the one we received for DJ; 3 to 5 years, depending. Well, her friend's mother had died just three weeks later...my daughter began telling me how lately she had come to be grateful for the almost four years she had been able to share with her mother, how she really had not thought much about it and had taken it for granted to some extent. To me, it was good to hear, I had refrained from attempting to point out things like that to her and her siblings as I felt, having lost their mother, it would sound shallow, hollow.  I had always felt it was something which would have to come to them in their own time, and for her, this was the time.

Which brings me to the things I am Thanksfull for; that within the scope of human lifetimes, DJ and I had many years together, that we were blessed with healthy children and opportunities to provide for them and were able to make a family together...that I was fortunate enough to have survived many dangerous situations and emerge only slightly battered, but wiser for the experience...that my children got to know the better me and allowed me to continue to be part of their lives despite my best efforts in behaving in an underserving fashion for a time...that DJ almost always had my back, even at my lowest and trusted that I would do the next right thing and be what I needed to for her and our family. As I have written before, I believe in miracles as I consider myself one which just happens to walk; I'm thanksfull that over the years, we got the chance to create many memories which are now carrying our family through the trials of grief and will probably carry us further, into the different life...that when the worse news was delivered to our family, we did not splinter, but were able to come together and genuinely, trust and support not only DJ, but each other...that through it all DJ was able, for the most part to live with managed pain and do just about what she wanted to, that she could maintain her carefree laugh and steadfast concern for each of us, despite what was occurring with her...that as her time wound down she did not despair, but came to accept with calming grace the facts, which in turn made it possible for each of us to bear everything that was happening with a bit more grace ourselves...that to the end, she remained concerned with us first and reminded us to maintain concern for one another...I could go on, but I'll say this and move on...I'm thanksfull that what has happened did not bring us to the brink of financial ruin, that we could all be there in those final days and hours, and that those hours were not filled with ravings of delirium, but as I witnessed, were the moments of a quiet and peaceful escape from the ravages of an illness which shows no favor. Oh, I know I have much to be Thanksfull for and I manage a nod to that at least once each day...it is the least I can remember to do.

There is more to be Thanksfull for and I could go on and on, but I'll just include this to those things already mentioned; I add, the fact that I have been given the opportunity to live the different life now, grateful that I managed to survive the best efforts of my own mind to throw myself away at the start of it all, that I was able to find here, get the support I sorely needed, meet new people and make special friends; Thanksfull that I no longer experience the lightning like bolts of pain and panic, that the recurring shock waves of reality are ebbing and that a measure of peace is at hand; that above all else, I am able to be grateful about the possibilities that life presents and that with just a bit of effort on my part, becomes more attainable each and every day. No, the journey is not over, but the road is clearer, the path can be seen in a different light and despite days of unbelievable sadness and nites of almost unbearable loneliness, we endure, we can prevail, we can live. Not in one line of anything written above will you find the word easy, that is not what this is about, I think this is about recognizing the realities of living and how we approach the results of events which make up our individual lives; today I can not only write these things down, but I can truly believe in them, and in the fact of hope, for that, I am most Thanksfull.

knOwing When

There was a question posed to a group of us in a chat room recently and for me, at this point, it's kind of important; a member asked: '' Hey guys, sometimes, do you find that coming here, and to the site brings back memories which cause you pain...??...or bring back feelings you may have thought you already dealt with??''...I thought it was a very reasonable inquiry as I had begun to wonder and think about the same things a bit. Actually, earlier I had read a post touching on this very same idea...at one point I imagine we all have to examine ourselves to see if the choices we're making to assist us through the grief are really helping or not. I think we all come to the various sites, forums, groups and chat rooms of the many sites which are available, seeking the solace of kindred souls, those whom we feel will know how we are feeling or at least be willing to hear our thoughts about those feelings with understanding and without judgement...it's what the sites and other resources are suppose to be there for...I think individually it is up to us to use those resources effectively for our own healing, that we share and may help others is a natural by product of the entire exercise. I'm finding that if we can feel through the shock and numbness, if we are able to hear through the fog, we can learn to negotiate the journey through grief and begin to arrive at a point where we can start to see the road clearer. This whole idea of if and when do we hear enough about death, about sadness, about loss is purely personal I think, and we probably all have different thresholds of saturation. I for one am convinced that problems can arise for us if we are not cognizant of our limitations, depending on our mental makeup.

Speaking only for myself and at the purest level, subjectively, I find at various times I do have to step back, refrain from engaging so often...not so much because the subject has begun to take me back to anything or may be causing added anxiety, but more because I find myself wanting or needing to re-examine certain points and ideas of my own journey and to try to understand if I have a firm and comfortable grip on them; if the necessary things are in a safe place in my mind. The idea that constantly being reminded of DJ's loss may add to the pain of my own personal experience is a bit foreign to me... some may find that hard to understand, I will try to explain; I understand a few things about myself, one of them is my almost limitless ability to be selfish...about the pain I feel at the loss of DJ, I know this is true; I am convinced that no one, anywhere, has pain as great as mine over the loss of their loved one. No one can feel any deeper, hurt any more, or grieve more heavily than myself...anyone else's pain may be great, but mine is greater. Of course the only place this is actually true is in my own mind, but for this, that's the only place it needs to be true; it does not have to be so for anyone else, not about DJ and my grief. I am certain the depth of your own hurt and pain is just the same as mine...in your own minds, and again, this too, is valid. Now, one might think that all this selfishness I profess might not leave room for empathy for others, but I don't think that to be true in my own case. Actually, I'm finding the opposite to be quite true; by accepting this idea that I cannot further be assailed by grief as true for myself, it allows me to hear and listen of other's loss with an ear which does not necessarily lead to me internalizing their pain. I think I can hear of it, share in their sense of loss, and genuinely understand much of what they're feeling in a true and real manner with some degree of empathy, and do so without adding to the pain of my own grief. But of course, this can only be done for a while, at some point we all need to go offline, reflect and recharge our own mental batteries.

But the query of the original proposition is valid and we should be aware of our limitations, as it is up to us to be on alert for danger signals when our mental health may be at risk. Accepting that we do have limits in what we can absorb and relate to, is a sign that we are cognizant of our limitations. It does not mean we don't care any longer or that we have taken what we need and will now have our leave...the weight of our personal grief is heavy indeed, our capacity to take on more may be great, but has to be monitored so that our focus can be directed to healing and not to residing in pain. It has been my experience during this, to find that as promised, this process is exhausting, even dealing with our own questions and memories, that from them too even, sometimes we must break away and let all the thinking go for a while. It's those times that I refer to as 'drifting', altho aware I am grieving, during these periods I make no conscious effort to think about it; the fact that my subconscious refuses to totally cooperate can be an issue, but I have found I can for the most part take a respite from the heavy, in depth searching and questioning; it is a nod to the notion that self care is my responsibility.

Now, this may be something which, for whatever reason, does not arise as an issue for some of us, and that may be good...for those of us who find ourselves needing to pull back for a while, we should not shrink from doing so; I'm thinking that if we become saturated, or desensitized to the needs and feelings of those whom we hope to support, we are doing them or ourselves no good. In line with this, we should not grade ourselves too harshly if we find we need to step away or take a break. Altho the notion can get lost during our grief, we should remember that this idea is not new, not something merely associated with grief; we have seen it before in our lives in general, no doubt in various guises. The many events, functions, and traditions we are normally involved with as we live can drain our mental resources over time, and we slack off or drop out for a while to reset ourselves to tackle them anew.  We can do this without any added stresses or feeling as if we are deserting or abandoning them, I think the same can be so with our efforts in support of our grieving peers and help ourselves on this road to less pain.

I'm taking the original question as a lead in to an opportunity to remind myself that because of the seriousness of the issues involved here, we need to be sure to maintain our own emotional stability as best we can, in order to be of effective assistance to anyone else. I believe in doing this, we can insure that if we desire to, we can be available for offering the support we know can make so much difference to someone else as we and they, move along the path in this journey. With the calendar year date having just came and went, since the day DJ died, it came to me that all of the thinking, postulating, questioning, regretting, examining and mind probing I have attempted to do during that time may seem like a lot; much has been revealed and altho some things remain elusive, I fear it will always be like that, the feeling that some stone has been left unturned may always linger.  Rather than concentrate on what may have been missed in all of this, I am choosing to revel in the many positive things which have emerged from it all. At this point I cannot say that I have reached saturation, either in my own, or hearing of the trials of others; I believe I have been able to find safe places in my mind for the thoughts and memory I need to and having done that, I find I can still be here, I can still listen and be reminded without being taken to that dismal state we all know so well...so I remain, listening, learning, and recognizing that for me, being here, for now is a new and integral part of actually living this different life; not being depressed or taken to despair by the pain which may be found, but energized by following the growth of others, the many small victories displayed daily by those of us who are attempting to rebuild, move forward and find purpose once again, and gaining satisfaction from easing the minds of those newly exposed to the path of grief. Today I am choosing to maintain the positive thread and share it wherever it might be helpful, it's not much, but maybe it's something which helps someone...somewhere.

Just another thought among the many as we travel...forward 

tHe I's HaveIt

For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even also I am known.                                                                                                        Webster's Translation                                                                                                                          

              

This journey is a curious one indeed; while enduring the various episodes of numbness, shock and disbelief early on, we begin to hear that we must go thru all of this in order to move forward into a different life. We are reminded that we are forever changed, that in order to continue forward, the many emotional shifts we go thru are necessary; at this point, I am convinced that these things held true in my own situation. The gamut of emotional and physical changes, the adaptations and the amount of sheer exhaustion resulting from all of it are difficult dues to pay for passage, but it appears that to arrive at any semblance of sanity and peace, it all has to be done. In the early days, weeks and months, this idea of a different life may at first seem foreign, strange, at least it did for me; we can understand that something is different, but having no hard foundation as to where we really are, and in most cases no real experience at losing the most important person in the world to us, it is hard to realize what is actually meant. Accepting the changes in routines, the attitudes of others and the general different-ness of everyday life is an exhausting proposition. But the fact that we are still alive almost, in itself, demands that we continue, that we endure, that we try to live forward.

Earlier this year I was talking with an long time customer, a lady who has been widowed for some time. I've done a few projects for her and we have developed a solid working relationship; last year at this time, right before things really took a turn for the worse for us, this customer and I had discussed a small job she wanted done. Well, soon after, all my attention was focused on what was transpiring with DJ, and thoughts of work were not only not put on the back burner, they were taken off the stove completely. So now as we talked, she repeated the details of the work as I took notes; every now and then she offered words of support; at one point she said ''...you know, you just have to snap out of it...'', I am very grateful this conversation did not take place earlier in my journey, I am sure I would be short one customer. Her statement almost evoked a ready response I have prepared for such times, instead, I stopped writing and looked directly into her eyes and said quietly, evenly, but very earnestly, ''...no, I don't...'', by the way she looked back at me and simply said ''o.k...'', I think she got the full true impact of what I meant when I said that; it was said without malice or defensive intent. It was as plain a statement of fact as I could make to her. I understand that I don't have to snap of of anything; but I can choose to move forward now in the different life. Today I can reason that this long time customer and friend meant no harm and was merely mouthing what she hoped was good basic advice. Such was not always so as I'm sure each of us can relate to this.

From the moment DJ and I received the diagnosis, there was a quiet line of thought which I had developed and nurtured in the recesses of my mind; just how long would I last after she was gone. This was not something that randomly appeared in my thought process, actually it was the result of that process.  Soon after DJ and I talked about the situation and made suggestions to one another over the various possible scenarios which might come up with and for her, I had begun to think of the plans for my own personal disposition in all of this. When I realized I might have to carry on without DJ, I refused to really think about the actual doing of it, instead my thoughts turned to how I would leave and the effects that might have on the family. That I thought all of this is not that unusual I imagine, I'm sure I'm not the first spouse to grasp for that seemingly simple all-in-one solution; that I feel I thoroughly meant it is of no doubt in my own mind. As we talked of what might have to be done for her, the mostly physical things, I was mainly focused on how I would try and bolster her mental stores as I could imagine the anguish she was having and could only barely touch on what she might be really going through. In the back of my own mind tho and to my own ends, always, there was the idea that I had the solution for dealing with this time afterwards, it was  really quite simple, don't be available for it. I nursed this idea over the next almost 4 years, thinking, refining and convincing myself that I had a solution. This allowed me to carry on with DJ, to be there for the physical demands her care warranted and especially for her mental well being; in the midst of this storm, in my mind I had found a secret refuge...so I thought.

When I was younger, of 12 or 13 years, I was given a lesson by my aunt. She had come to visit one summer from New York and remained with us until her death over 35 years later, being quite instrumental in the development of all us children.  As I walked through our house one day, she stopped me and said, ''...you see that don't you...?'', pointing to a small piece of paper laying under the dining room table, I stopped and said yes...''...pick it up please...''...I reached under the chair and retrieved the scrap and headed to the trash can. She stopped me, sat me down at the table and began to explain to me about something she called integrity; she asked, wasn't this my house too?...did I think it was someone else's duty to pick that paper up? but, more importantly, she said, she knew, I knew that the paper didn't belong there, and if I had known she was watching, I would have picked it up without any prompting from her. She went on to say this was about me having some integrity; in this case me, knowing what should be done, and doing it, whether someone was looking or not. She went on to describe how this idea of integrity related to how we thought, especially about ourselves and if we were honest or not with ourselves in that thinking...about how training ourselves to do the next right thing without prior prompting or expectation of compliment was not a bad way to approach living. I have always remembered that conversation tho I will admit to selectively practicing it's main idea at various times; but when the illness struck, I was forced to go to ground zero with it, and had to make decisions from there.

During the illness, I thought I was practicing integrity on this point; I was being honest about the facts of the illness, and in the assessment that I didn't want to live after DJ died; that was all there was to it. Because, at that time, after all our years together I could see no other way, I could want, no other way. Later, after the formalities and my first feeble attempts at reaching out for help, I came to believe it was time to enact what I had been playing over and over in my head for the past 4 years. Sitting down with my oldest daughter, only because she lived the closest and we see each other every day, and under the guise of ''...someone needs to have this info now that DJ's gone...'' I laid out the simple personal info about my affairs, just as we had so recently done with DJ's, assuring her this was all ''just in case''. But as the time grew nearer and I thought about my life, not only with DJ, but about my life, that conversation with my aunt started nagging me; questions of others, the family and such were brushed away out of hand, ideas of what the impact would have on them were of secondary importance to me now, this was all about me; but, whether this was the next right thing to do came to mind, and now, for sure no one was watching. In the end it came down to me admitting that what I later said to that customer about snapping out of it was true, I didn't have to, and that I did have a choice. From inside, I was forced to question my motives with some honesty, and admit that maybe it was not so much the loss of DJ which had me thinking this way, perhaps it was simply that I had a notion that carrying on was something I was afraid to do and I was trying to avoid the pain, the hurt, that would be a necessary part of living forward; in my case I decided this was so. It really came down to me not so much being unable to move forward, but as much about me being unwanting to do the work required; and, it could have been just pure cowardice on my part, who knows. When faced with the bottom line, I had to admit that in all honesty my life was mine and did not have to end with DJ's death. The responsibility I have is to that power in which I profess belief, which I feel, has given me the gift of life.  Something inside me led me to that conclusion, I'm really not sure just what it was tho; my aunt has been dead for some years now, but for some reason I suspect she's not too far from me at any given moment.

To me this idea has come to mean being strictly straight and honest with myself about my motivations concerning the various situations and my response to them...my efforts to extend this idea to other parts of my life is something I constantly struggle with and go out of my way to explain to others when asked about it; I am claiming no moral high ground in this, I may lie to the outside world about anything, but with myself, I have to try and be totally honest about everything. This in itself makes me no better or worse than anyone else, but it does allow me to sleep better at night. As I made those plans and secretly harbored that seemingly appealing notion of mine, my reasons behind it had been based on a false premise; I had assumed that my life was done when DJ's ended, I had fashioned some idea that she was responsible for me living at all...that was not true, she enhanced my living experience, but the life I have is strictly mine, one given by what I believe is some power greater than me. So a reset was in order.

But ideas of good notions concerning the different life are flourishing in my mind these days ...thoughts of enjoying a new way of living in the sun, and even dancing again are taking hold and I can and want to believe and practice them. At some point I realized that altho the loss of DJ may be tragic for me and our family, I cannot use it as a guise to shrink from my responsibility to myself or the gift of life. This was another unexpected consequence resulting from trying to sort out all of the emotions DJ's death has brought to mind. The work required is the cost which must be paid to move forward in the different life with any degree of peace and hope, at least I think so. So we reach a point where we try, with imperfect attempts, but filled with enthusiasm, because for all that has happened, we remain. We slog on, carrying the memories, bearing the waves and knowing the coaster, it is what we have during this time, but we continue to move...forward, hopefully with some degree of integrity however imperfect.

I try to do all of this with the memories of DJ, aunts, and scraps of paper safely floating around in my mind, a curious journey indeed...

11.08.11 - 2:45am

 

This Page, Like Me, Unintentionally Left Blank

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocUqHrbmN7Q