tHe I's HaveIt

For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even also I am known.                                                                                                        Webster's Translation                                                                                                                          

              

This journey is a curious one indeed; while enduring the various episodes of numbness, shock and disbelief early on, we begin to hear that we must go thru all of this in order to move forward into a different life. We are reminded that we are forever changed, that in order to continue forward, the many emotional shifts we go thru are necessary; at this point, I am convinced that these things held true in my own situation. The gamut of emotional and physical changes, the adaptations and the amount of sheer exhaustion resulting from all of it are difficult dues to pay for passage, but it appears that to arrive at any semblance of sanity and peace, it all has to be done. In the early days, weeks and months, this idea of a different life may at first seem foreign, strange, at least it did for me; we can understand that something is different, but having no hard foundation as to where we really are, and in most cases no real experience at losing the most important person in the world to us, it is hard to realize what is actually meant. Accepting the changes in routines, the attitudes of others and the general different-ness of everyday life is an exhausting proposition. But the fact that we are still alive almost, in itself, demands that we continue, that we endure, that we try to live forward.

Earlier this year I was talking with an long time customer, a lady who has been widowed for some time. I've done a few projects for her and we have developed a solid working relationship; last year at this time, right before things really took a turn for the worse for us, this customer and I had discussed a small job she wanted done. Well, soon after, all my attention was focused on what was transpiring with DJ, and thoughts of work were not only not put on the back burner, they were taken off the stove completely. So now as we talked, she repeated the details of the work as I took notes; every now and then she offered words of support; at one point she said ''...you know, you just have to snap out of it...'', I am very grateful this conversation did not take place earlier in my journey, I am sure I would be short one customer. Her statement almost evoked a ready response I have prepared for such times, instead, I stopped writing and looked directly into her eyes and said quietly, evenly, but very earnestly, ''...no, I don't...'', by the way she looked back at me and simply said ''o.k...'', I think she got the full true impact of what I meant when I said that; it was said without malice or defensive intent. It was as plain a statement of fact as I could make to her. I understand that I don't have to snap of of anything; but I can choose to move forward now in the different life. Today I can reason that this long time customer and friend meant no harm and was merely mouthing what she hoped was good basic advice. Such was not always so as I'm sure each of us can relate to this.

From the moment DJ and I received the diagnosis, there was a quiet line of thought which I had developed and nurtured in the recesses of my mind; just how long would I last after she was gone. This was not something that randomly appeared in my thought process, actually it was the result of that process.  Soon after DJ and I talked about the situation and made suggestions to one another over the various possible scenarios which might come up with and for her, I had begun to think of the plans for my own personal disposition in all of this. When I realized I might have to carry on without DJ, I refused to really think about the actual doing of it, instead my thoughts turned to how I would leave and the effects that might have on the family. That I thought all of this is not that unusual I imagine, I'm sure I'm not the first spouse to grasp for that seemingly simple all-in-one solution; that I feel I thoroughly meant it is of no doubt in my own mind. As we talked of what might have to be done for her, the mostly physical things, I was mainly focused on how I would try and bolster her mental stores as I could imagine the anguish she was having and could only barely touch on what she might be really going through. In the back of my own mind tho and to my own ends, always, there was the idea that I had the solution for dealing with this time afterwards, it was  really quite simple, don't be available for it. I nursed this idea over the next almost 4 years, thinking, refining and convincing myself that I had a solution. This allowed me to carry on with DJ, to be there for the physical demands her care warranted and especially for her mental well being; in the midst of this storm, in my mind I had found a secret refuge...so I thought.

When I was younger, of 12 or 13 years, I was given a lesson by my aunt. She had come to visit one summer from New York and remained with us until her death over 35 years later, being quite instrumental in the development of all us children.  As I walked through our house one day, she stopped me and said, ''...you see that don't you...?'', pointing to a small piece of paper laying under the dining room table, I stopped and said yes...''...pick it up please...''...I reached under the chair and retrieved the scrap and headed to the trash can. She stopped me, sat me down at the table and began to explain to me about something she called integrity; she asked, wasn't this my house too?...did I think it was someone else's duty to pick that paper up? but, more importantly, she said, she knew, I knew that the paper didn't belong there, and if I had known she was watching, I would have picked it up without any prompting from her. She went on to say this was about me having some integrity; in this case me, knowing what should be done, and doing it, whether someone was looking or not. She went on to describe how this idea of integrity related to how we thought, especially about ourselves and if we were honest or not with ourselves in that thinking...about how training ourselves to do the next right thing without prior prompting or expectation of compliment was not a bad way to approach living. I have always remembered that conversation tho I will admit to selectively practicing it's main idea at various times; but when the illness struck, I was forced to go to ground zero with it, and had to make decisions from there.

During the illness, I thought I was practicing integrity on this point; I was being honest about the facts of the illness, and in the assessment that I didn't want to live after DJ died; that was all there was to it. Because, at that time, after all our years together I could see no other way, I could want, no other way. Later, after the formalities and my first feeble attempts at reaching out for help, I came to believe it was time to enact what I had been playing over and over in my head for the past 4 years. Sitting down with my oldest daughter, only because she lived the closest and we see each other every day, and under the guise of ''...someone needs to have this info now that DJ's gone...'' I laid out the simple personal info about my affairs, just as we had so recently done with DJ's, assuring her this was all ''just in case''. But as the time grew nearer and I thought about my life, not only with DJ, but about my life, that conversation with my aunt started nagging me; questions of others, the family and such were brushed away out of hand, ideas of what the impact would have on them were of secondary importance to me now, this was all about me; but, whether this was the next right thing to do came to mind, and now, for sure no one was watching. In the end it came down to me admitting that what I later said to that customer about snapping out of it was true, I didn't have to, and that I did have a choice. From inside, I was forced to question my motives with some honesty, and admit that maybe it was not so much the loss of DJ which had me thinking this way, perhaps it was simply that I had a notion that carrying on was something I was afraid to do and I was trying to avoid the pain, the hurt, that would be a necessary part of living forward; in my case I decided this was so. It really came down to me not so much being unable to move forward, but as much about me being unwanting to do the work required; and, it could have been just pure cowardice on my part, who knows. When faced with the bottom line, I had to admit that in all honesty my life was mine and did not have to end with DJ's death. The responsibility I have is to that power in which I profess belief, which I feel, has given me the gift of life.  Something inside me led me to that conclusion, I'm really not sure just what it was tho; my aunt has been dead for some years now, but for some reason I suspect she's not too far from me at any given moment.

To me this idea has come to mean being strictly straight and honest with myself about my motivations concerning the various situations and my response to them...my efforts to extend this idea to other parts of my life is something I constantly struggle with and go out of my way to explain to others when asked about it; I am claiming no moral high ground in this, I may lie to the outside world about anything, but with myself, I have to try and be totally honest about everything. This in itself makes me no better or worse than anyone else, but it does allow me to sleep better at night. As I made those plans and secretly harbored that seemingly appealing notion of mine, my reasons behind it had been based on a false premise; I had assumed that my life was done when DJ's ended, I had fashioned some idea that she was responsible for me living at all...that was not true, she enhanced my living experience, but the life I have is strictly mine, one given by what I believe is some power greater than me. So a reset was in order.

But ideas of good notions concerning the different life are flourishing in my mind these days ...thoughts of enjoying a new way of living in the sun, and even dancing again are taking hold and I can and want to believe and practice them. At some point I realized that altho the loss of DJ may be tragic for me and our family, I cannot use it as a guise to shrink from my responsibility to myself or the gift of life. This was another unexpected consequence resulting from trying to sort out all of the emotions DJ's death has brought to mind. The work required is the cost which must be paid to move forward in the different life with any degree of peace and hope, at least I think so. So we reach a point where we try, with imperfect attempts, but filled with enthusiasm, because for all that has happened, we remain. We slog on, carrying the memories, bearing the waves and knowing the coaster, it is what we have during this time, but we continue to move...forward, hopefully with some degree of integrity however imperfect.

I try to do all of this with the memories of DJ, aunts, and scraps of paper safely floating around in my mind, a curious journey indeed...