Up 2Us

Recently I had the occasion to be reminded why I haven't spent a lot of time trying to meet and cultivate new friendships over the past several years. Aside from the fact that I was quite content with DJ's company, I long ago discovered that I was not very good at the politics of friendship, and sought out very few. It has always been my thought that it was more a lack of social skills on my part  than anything to do with other folks. The people I refer to as my friends have been in my life for quite some time and tho few, we share a common yet rare understanding. Many of the 'friends' who were showing up after the news of DJ's death were mainly people she knew and had fairly close ties with, for most of them, I was tolerated because of her...that and the fact that I only rarely got caught stifling guffaws at some of their conversations. After things were done, I did not expect to hear from them again, and I haven't, but I understand that; they were mostly DJ's friends, I just happened to know them. There was no great letdown when I didn't hear from them because I understood where the real relationship had existed. On the other hand, those few people whom I considered my friends were there before, during, and have continued to be there; this is one reason we have maintained a relationship these many years, some for as many as 35 plus. These are the friends of mine I can call and say ''...come get me...'', and the only thing asked is ''...where are you...'' and, depending, ''...how much do I need to bring...''; of course this is a two way street, I have assured them that I'll do anything for them short of murder...............but I would help bury the body

It is a very personal and almost sacred thing with me, these friendships; I learned early on the value of true ones, and the futility of pursuing superficial ones. Aside from the fact that many of the people we once had as friends are no longer with us, and because of the scarcity of ability of many of us to construct and maintain deep acquaintances, for many, it is a rare thing indeed. I understand I am fortunate to have many of the folks I do have in my life and I try to tell them that often. We are all different, so naturally our requirements and needs in this area will be different; but as with anything else, I don't feel we should have to surrender some pretty basic living ideas in order for us to benefit from knowing others. Being selfish Fred of course I start by being my own best friend first, sometimes poorly, sometimes with careless attention to detail, and many times even to a downfall in some particular area of behavior, but always my own best friend, first.

Of course since DJ's death I have had to re-think this entire idea of friends and friendships, tho being unpracticed at the intricacies and protocols, I finally decided that as part of trying to practice the H.O.W. (Honesty, Openness, Willingness) of moving forward in the new life, I would have to at least make the effort to engage; also, the sheer weight of the loneliness requires that something be done in order to not feel so isolated. After some months here, on WV and at the couple of group things I do in my offline life, I came to develop what I guess one might call friendships...mostly online, but also several locally. Almost all have proved rewarding and have helped eased that sense of being so alone which can pervade almost every aspect of our lives these days and which for a while, had me trapped into believing it would always be that way.  

A few weeks back one of the new friends of mine said they wanted me to meet one of their other friends, so this other friend and I exchanged an email...introduced ourselves to one another and began a very light exchange, centering our conversations mostly around a couple of things we found we had in common. This went on for a couple of months, nothing special just chatter, I thought it was flowing as any casual acquaintance might. Out of the blue one evening I received a message from this other friend detailing some slight which I purportedly had directed towards them, not only that, but the few lines also included poorly veiled threats. Sitting perplexed, I thought about if a response should be sent; it would have been quite easy to ignore it or play it off lightly...that part of my mind which is trying to practice how to live this different life was saying let it go, the other part of my mind, that part which was born and bred on Chicago's West Side understood exactly what was meant by the message and almost demanded a reply worthy of the threat; I found I am not well enough yet for the first option, I replied, denying any such slight and clearly stating the impotency of threats towards me; I suggested we conclude our dialogue. I am not very good at absorbing BS, much less good at taking in manufactured BS. Later, the original friend contacted me and voiced their shock at my having defended myself and announced we could no longer be friends, I expressed my regrets at the decision, especially in light of the fact that I was never asked what happened, thanked them for their support, and said I understood; I ended the episode there.

Now, this is not about the loss of that so-called friendship or anything like that; I'm sure if I keep living, that may well happen again.  For me, that falls into the category of  'a lesson or a blessing'...in this case I think it's both; it was more of a disappointment I felt about my original friend than anything else, never asking me what had happened. What I want to point out here is about us tho, we widowed folks and how it is up to us to look our for and protect ourselves from both physical and mental abuse. For so long many of us have had someone to cover our backs, make suggestions as to things they see us doing, things which could be to our detriment, particularly when it came to the company we kept. I am sure that many of us railed against this sometimes, but I am just as sure, many times, our partners were proved correct. Now, having lost that coverage for the moment, we have to be alert and aware that our own physical and especially mental selves are protected. It is no secret that many believe the grieving person to be an easy target for much mental abuse; friends try to take advantage, sometimes mean spirited bosses try to become overbearing and petty, even family members can sometimes try to get out of hand. It is surmised that because we may be alone,we are possibly defenseless; it is up to us I think, to make clear that we are not. Being assertive in our associations is one way we can insure that others clearly understand our take on the various situations, and being willing to make it known that we are not to be tread upon is a must I think for all of us, if we are to move forward with any degree of peace...really, this just doesn't apply to grieving folks, I don't think it's a bad notion for any of us to consider, grieving or not. I am reminded of a post I read somewhere, a neighbor approached the grieving widow and offered condolences, adding, ''...don't worry about your finances, Wayne told me all about them, I'll take care of them for you...'', to which the widow quietly replied  ''Right...listen, I was suddenly made a widow, not suddenly made an idiot''.

For me, this idea of being assertive and protecting ourselves is nothing new, being slight of stature and having been blessed with the gift of knowing everything, coupled with an inherent rowdiness for which I was truly not physically designed for, I have had ample opportunities to refine my approach. Naturally this has carried over into my efforts during grieving and is a natural part of my trying to understand and develop a new design for living this different life as it relates to meeting and getting to know others. For sure, any relationship which requires me to subjugate my honest feelings or principles in order to sustain it, is truly not worth the effort. The one ass I chose to kiss in appeasement of anything, is buried in a local cemetery, and I don't see another one on the horizon possessing the requisite features to have me doing that now, not yet anyway. Being able to understand the need for us to now do for ourselves alone, that which at one time was shared, is paramount I think; forsaking our valid, and true (to us anyway) feelings in any given area, but especially in the arena of friendships, I believe, can only lead to issues regarding self doubt and poor self esteem; on this point, for my own self, right or wrong, I am dedicated to insuring it does not happen. With everything else with which we have to contend with while on this journey, setting our true feelings and emotions aside may lead us down a side path we may not care for or need.

Now, this is not to imply that we should be intractable, or unyielding; depending on the situation and the personal cost involved, we can make intelligent decisions on how to approach this matter of friends and relationships. No doubt we each have to make choices built on our own understanding of our particular situations, and on our own experiences; what I state here is about me and my way of coming to terms with the issue. It is clear to me that I cannot let the foibles of one sour instance among the many sweet ones I have come to know, stand as any type of block to me continuing to seek and nurture new friendships, actually it helps to remind me of how honest exchanges and true concern for someone are essential for any mutually rewarding association. This all goes back to me and the rest of us who are perceived to be in positions which might appear defenseless, and how we deal with the intrusions of anything which can complicate the grieving process. It comes down to the notion of self-care, first; it is up to us to look out for ourselves.

More importantly, to me at least, is the idea that I have to make sure the foundation I set as a springboard to the different life be solid in all areas and I think that can only be done by me thoroughly examining all aspects of my life, from understanding that it is up to me to now guard against unwanted intrusions and attempts to take unfair advantage of me, to the efforts of others including some friends whose best efforts to help me, always seems to end with them being helped more.  We do not have to become the targets of others, having to adopt postures and behaviors which make them feel more at ease as our own minds are left conflicted and unable to gain any sense of peace regarding our own integrity. This may be something we want to consider, this notion of making certain that we are aware enough to protect ourselves, that we don't become captives to the thoughts of being helpless and that we are in an indefensible position. I think we should remember that at some point we will arrive at the other end of this journey, and there we will meet ourselves, when we do, I think we want to be able to that with a sure and sincere desire of hope for the future, knowing we are able to protect ourselves from those things which can be an impediment to successfully living forward in the different life.

Sure, it's one more thing we may need to add to the many others that is now up to us to take care of for ourselves, but that's alright, as we are proving day by day, one step at a time, we are willing, and capable of doing those very things which once, we could not even imagine being necessary to do at all; and, moreover, we are finding that when left up to us, the impossible is, many times, a notion we can restrict to songs about dreams, often, surprising others, and ourselves in the process.