In tITlements

As we all learn, it is curious, this journey we are forced to make because of the loss of our partners, how our reactions to the once small and seemingly insignificant things can often take our minds to many different levels of joy or despair, mainly depending on at just what point we are in our individual journeys. For the past 90 days or so, my own trek has been on the upswing, yes, there has been the expected days of quiet sadness, the powerful missing and moments where the shock of ''...did that really happen..??'' turns to ''...yeah, that shit really happened..'', returns for a brief appearance, but for the most part, this time for me has seen the generation of much more positive and uplifting thoughts and emotions. Safe places for memories have been located and those memories placed there, available for revisit without the gut wrenching pain once offered by them. It is a tremendous relief not to be afraid of one's own thoughts and feelings.

The other day, while disposing of some old papers which are no longer needed, I came across some documents which brought to mind a time in our life when we faced the challenges all young couples probably have; the everyday living of trying to plan, work, raise and enjoy children yet still find time to like one another. Ours was a situation not so unheard of, DJ worked at night as an operator for the large telephone company, I spent my working days shuffling invoices for a still popular electronics outfit. The kids and I shared the nights together, and I took them to the sitter in the mornings for a part of the day while DJ slept. We had the evenings together most nights from about 7 or 8 pm until she would leave for work at about 10 pm. That time was normally spent confirming what needed to be done for the next day, at that time, many parents provided their own milk and food for the sitters; we would check on each other...you know, living. Now, at the time we only had one car, and my job was over 25 miles away...one way; I would walk DJ to the car at night when she went to work, get the car the next morning when she got in, and I would take the kids to the sitter and head to my job. That car was our life line in the most basic of ways; the papers I came across played an important part in what I think was a very special moment in our relationship. We had bought the car with a down payment of a little over five hundred dollars in small bills, with me thinking that a salesman seeing a wad of money would never let us leave the showroom walking. An installment agreement was made and we left there with a fairly late model car...with what we came to see as our life line. Through some mix up at the dealer's offices, the original title to the car was sent to us in my name, instead of the finance company which was backing the loan. When it had arrived, DJ and I looked at each other and debated what we would do; we knew what we should do, but...we continued to make payments of course and ignored letters inquiring about it from the finance company...of course.

One Friday morning DJ called me early...earlier than the regular time she called to let me know she was on her way home, the car wouldn't move; she said it had started o.k., but when she put in in gear, nothing. Well I knew what that meant and told her she would have to hop a bus home and I would make arrangements to have it towed. I called my job, explained what was going on, called a well known transmission repair concern and had the car towed; then hopped a bus myself, taking the kids to the sitter. By the time I returned to our apartment DJ was there and the car was at the shop. We talked over coffee, trying to decide just what we were going to do. We knew the cost of a repair would be more than what we had available, and we were near panic. As DJ worked downtown, riding the bus was an option for her, I would just have to walk her to the bus stop. For me, with my job being in the suburbs, this was a near disaster, I would have to leave way too early for the sitter if were to take the trains. My stomach was in knots, what the hell were we going to do? That Friday nite passed with no call from the repair shop, more anxiety...the next day I got a call; the transmission needed to be replaced. I can think of many things to do on a Saturday afternoon including multiple dentist visits which probably would have left me feeling a lot better than I did, trying to figure out just what to do. We decided that in the worse case, each of us would go to our parents for a share of the cost, but my mind was still racing, I really didn't want to have to do that. I knew DJ was expecting me to come up with a solution, and I really had none at hand. Later that nite I could not sleep, I felt so helpless, it became too much; I sat up in bed, looked at DJ as she slept; I thought about her having to ride that bus late at nite, I couldn't ride with her and leave the two kids alone. Tears began rolling down my face; soon I was trying to stifle sobs which woke DJ, she looked at me and I could see the panic in her eyes as she asked what was going on. Through the sobs I babbled about not being able to take care of my family and not knowing what the hell to do...she held me, and said we would work it out; we talked a while and eventually  fell asleep. Sure, it was just a car problem, but for me, it was the worse thing that could happen to upset our then, fragile lifestyle.

That Sunday as we ate breakfast my mind was still racing...at some point I remembered that we had the title to the car; things became somewhat clearer,my mind's wheels were turning. As we finished eating, I told DJ that the next morning I was going to start calling loan companies; someone was going to float us a loan of the money we needed. That did happen, we managed to get enough from a personal loan company with that title as collateral, to cover the cost of the repair and tho we did have to ride the bus for a few days, kids in tow, while the car was repaired, we made it through that stretch. What I remember most tho is that nite when DJ and I sat in that bed and I cried and we talked and tried to reassure one another and decide just what we could do. I did not know it then, but that was a very special moment for us; later she would tell me that it was one of the few times she could remember really seeing fear in my eyes. As I looked over those documents relating to that episode all this came to mind, but it did not make me sad...it reminded me of how fortunate I have been to have had her in my life. I can't explain to others how DJ and I felt about one another and I don't try to, I know I like her very much, and in many ways over the years, she showed me she felt the same about me. Looking at those papers and remembering this brought smiles to my face as I remembered how good we both felt later, having weathered what to us was a major storm, not having to go to our parents, not finding fault in each other, but focusing on a common problem and then doing the next best thing; doing what we thought we had to for things to work out for our young family. Altho she and I talked about that time often, later, I relly miss having her here to go over it just once more, miss her, but not to the point of the crippling pain these days, just the hurt of missing, and the accompanying sadness, which no doubt, will always be there; but the upswing continues.

We used that car for another couple years and actually paid it off before it was sent the way of a lot of vehicles; one nite, while parked in front of our house, it was unceremoniously slammed into by a drunken sailor home on leave, that's true about the drunken sailor. It sat behind our house for a week before the insurance company for the owner of the other car came and towed it to their adjustment center, we had another car by then and there was no panic this time. A few days later, we got a call saying the car was a total loss and that as soon as we brought them the title we could have the check. Well, after explaining that the title was still with the loan company, they cut a check for them, and I retrieved the title and we got a check for the balance. For myself, I'm taking coming across those papers at this time, when I am feeling better and better as an indication of how important those small things can be. For me it is a marker that real progress in being made, and that maybe, just maybe the path may be getting easier to follow.  If found earlier in my journey, they may had led me to the type of meltdown I have not experienced in some time; instead they reminded me of how fortunate I have been in many ways, really, how special having DJ in my life really was, how the memory of her is in a very safe place. It helps me to know why she will never be far from me in my heart and mind. 

With determination to maintain the upswing, I continue to try and find the happy in whatever I can these days. It is my hope that we all can reach a point where those various things large, small, whatever, can bring us the memories which allow us to really appreciate what has been our fortune to have experienced in our lives with our partners, all of it. Understanding that everything has a place and time, I want this time to be that which I can feel better about being in this place of the journey. I want that for all of us who are faced with the memories which can be triggered by the many things left which we shared with our special partners, in fact, I think we are entitled to.