FeaRing fEEling

 


''Expose yourself to your deepest fear;

after that, fear has no power,

and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes.

                      You are free.''  -Jim Morrison

My oldest daughter and I were talking the other day and she was telling me how she noticed that her behavior was changing...that her personality was morphing into something she didn't particularly care for. She said she was finding herself being snippy, and short with others, particularly her 5 yr. old daughter, often when the occasion did not warrant it...she added that altho she had been checked out medically she was also constantly worried about her health and what might happen to that 5 yr. old should the worse happen again, for her. As we spoke, I mentioned to her that I thought this was partially a result of general parental concerns, and some of it, probably a result of the grieving; that I had heard it referred to often on the various sites, and here in the Village, a change in personality...for a while, hopefully. Noting that me telling her that may not actually help, but at least, maybe she could get some perspective on what was happening by knowing that some of it may be a side effect of grieving. For my own self, I cannot say that I have had these particular things occur, for one, most folks thought I was short and snippy anyway, so how would the difference be known...and about her fear of the worse happening, and it constantly being on her mind, well that led into another area of discussion, as I am still under the impression that the worse has already happened for me. Prefacing what I was about to say to her with the proviso that I thought we each, individually, had to come to terms with our own, personal worse and that surely no one answer would probably apply, I related how as I entered combat, this very thing, this fear of the worse happening, had played on my mind for some time early on in that period of my life. Naturally, we as soldiers had be trained mentally to withstand the rigors of such a situation, and to some extent, it helped, but still, as human beings, understanding our mortality had to be conquered in it's own right.
During the time I was directly in harms way, I determined early on that I could not live an entire year or more in such a high state of anxiety; there had to be a way to come to terms with the then hazardous duty situation. After a few weeks of being in that high state, only half sleeping, barley eating and fearing almost anything that moved, I finally decided that staying in such constant, anxious anticipation could actually set me up for the very thing I was trying to avoid. My own solution was to accept the fact that if something were going to happen, it would happen, and my steady agonizing over it would not help me or change the facts. I found I had to surrender to the idea that I really had no control here. There were some things about the situation I could not control, and there were other things I could control; I decided to concentrate on those things I could control. As I said to my daughter, after a time of struggling with this journey, I had come to the same conclusion, maybe we just have to try and concentrate on those things about it which we can actually do something about. In her case, continue to monitor her behavior and stay with the regular checkups; there are no guarantees, but at least she would know that she was doing what she could to promote the best outcome. I have  found no other solution for me...it appears it's working and that's what matters. As we talked, I added, that I really thought the bottom line solution was something we had to pull from within ourselves...trying to get some internal peace about our entire living experience. I pointed out that the things which were causing her worry now, were quite similar to those her mother and I had faced as we went about trying to guide her and her siblings through the years; it was as a reminder to her that she was not alone in this thinking, and that some measure of acceptance about it all was possible, and would come to her also.
Of course we all have our fears, those things which can totally unsettle us, it doesn't matter so much that we may choose not to share them with anyone, we are aware of them, they live within us.  Some, we may be able to come to terms with within our own selves, we appear to live with and somehow manage not to allow them to interfere with our daily lives. They remain in the background of our lives only poking through every so often. It may just be a part of the human condition and perhaps, our challenge is to not allow them to take control of our lives. Tho easier said than done, I'm thinking that is not a bad approach. For many of us, having had happen that which we consider the worse thing possible, a lot of fears may be put to rest; during that time of shock and disbelief we know that the occurrence of anything else will be a mere sideshow to the horror of the main even we have just witnessed. Attempting to sort through and put the idea of these fears in some perspective is another part of the journey we are forced to face. This may be as it should...facing another challenge of living, trying to assure ourselves that things will work out as we battle to control  our mind as it seems to want to take us from one source of worry to another. 

Over the more recent years, after the diagnosis, DJ and I talked about this often; altho at first we were more consumed with the more practical matters the situation presented as our minds would not let us go to thoughts of the end, eventually we did come to talk about the fear of dying. Knowing that there was no one, single answer, and that each of us has to come to our own conclusions about such a personal matter, we agreed that we shared a faith, and that for the most part we had pretty good reasons for maintaining that faith. In all of this, my purpose was mainly to reassure DJ that I was thinking beyond the day to day pedestrian things the illness presented; I wanted her to know that I was trying to imagine the test her faith was under and that just maybe, by doing this, it would help make things a bit easier for her, letting her know I was trying to share in the unsettling prospect of the unknown; tho thoroughly terrified myself, it was my attempt to help ease her fears concerning the inevitable conclusion that our life together was coming to. Altho I never mentioned it to anyone, especially DJ, one of my greatest fears was that her life would end with her delirious with fear, expressing her terror, screaming at the top of her lungs about not wanting to die or lamenting her worry about us...I honestly believe that I would not have survived being a witness to that display, fortunately that did not occur.
What I'm trying to get at here is not an exercise about religion or any notions of promoting faith one way or the other; I'm talking about our natural human fear of the unknown and how we try to deal with them. What I'm describing above was my way of approaching this as we faced the most traumatic event in our lives. Of course, for each of us, there were fears in our lives before the loss of our partners...fears about all types of things no doubt. Many of them probably had no relation to having faith or the like, but they were there; when we are faced with the prospect of losing someone so close to us, naturally our thoughts might turn in that direction, but I can remember being fearful of many other things...the thought of not getting a particular job I was interested in, maybe losing a work contract or thinking an action or event to which I really wanted a good outcome about, might not happen. During this journey there have been many instances where fear has attempted to rule, to chase away all efforts at rational thinking; times when it's presence has been so powerful as to be palpable.  Probably this is a natural result of all we have gone through, but I for one can attest to the power it can have in our lives. Trying to maintain or regain our balance against it can be a constant struggle; especially early on when shock and disbelief appear to be unwelcome guests whose stay seems like it will never end. Personally, I found it crippling for a time, it, having me waver as I peered through that open window, not sure of anything at that point, only that I was certain I would not survive the  bolts of shocking pain which ripped through me as I questioned almost every facet of my existence. Before, I would have turned to DJ, expressed what was happening with me, and altho maybe no answers may have been found, I could at least share my fears with someone whom I knew would listen even if full understanding escaped both of us; but now it was just me and the most dangerous entity to myself I personally am aware of, my own mind; and we felt completely lost. 
In being able to come to terms with it all, I accept as no extraordinary feat for me, it is accomplished by all of us here, but the human, personal aspect of acknowledging and facing that fear was something I now realize I personally had to confront head on without regard to what the results might be. In pointing all this out to my daughter, I reminded her that having and recognizing our fears can be a huge step in our personal development as well, and that in order to adapt and grow as human beings, it may be a necessary step. Perhaps our real challenge is to find solutions to deal with that idea of fear itself and to be able to move forward, being well aware of it, but by no means paralyzed simply because it exists. As we talked, I mentioned to her that I thought this life was all about overcoming our fears in order to live versus existing; we might be able to have an existence in fear, but for true, meaningful living, that I thought we had to try and have safe places for any fears we might have. What I say here is not new, nothing so great and profound, actually I think I used the conversation with my daughter to remind myself of the very things we were talking about...it is said this is a process, and of that, I am thoroughly convinced.
Along with many of the other things which grief brings to the forefront, fear has has to be among the top issues we might face. Fear of being alone, of how we will live forward, of just what will happen now. I can admit that some of my own fears included not only that of being alone for the duration, but, do I want to continue to live at, if I do, can I stay where I'm living now?  What will happen if I get sick? Who will be with me as my days draw to a close...and on. These things can drive us to our mind's end if allowed to run about unchecked; for me, looking at them with some honesty, openness and willingness was required, and altho some of the answers are elusive still, and others, not welcomed, they are not being dodged. Having always been fairly adept at avoiding things, it has taken some time for me go over these and try to find some livable answers. For now, that I am able to bring them into focus to be dealt with at all is enough; the answers to a lot of them I have concluded will take care of themselves, my thinking being that I can only control so much of the results of any of them, anyway. So, along with the many memories and feelings which have to be moved to safe places, so will this idea of fear and being so fearful. We will need to be able to go there with confidence that we won't be overwhelmed and that because of our belief in the next right thing and our desire to move forward, decisions concerning anything in there will be based on our own best interest from an honest approach.  
These days, I'm not overlooking the fears, I'm trying to face them in order that I might move forward in the different life, I have to. For me I have found that my desire to really live and the notion that fear can hold sway are not compatible in my mind; either I can exist in fear or I will live with hope, there's just no third way. Finding choosing to live more appealing, all my efforts are now focused in that direction and I am starting to see various hints of success...yes there is still the missing, the background sadness, and yes even still, some trepidation about the unknown which is built into living forward; but that has always been there and today they are not preventing me from seeing the possibilities of thoroughly enjoying this gift of life whatever it might bring, and...attempting to maintain a resolve that makes hopeful living forward a prospect to embrace, freely...without fear...and without fearing, fear.