KnowTimeLeft

  But now the days grow short
Im in the autumn of the year
And now I think of my life as vintage wine
>from fine old kegs
>from the brim to the dregs
And it poured sweet and clear
It was a very good year
                                               It was a mess of good years                                                                                                      

written by Bob Morrison - Jim Zerface

 ('It Was a Very Good Year')

 After a year of thinking and living mostly alone and to myself, initiating new living routines and different ideas about doing the everyday chores of life; spending hours upon hours of reflection and self examination, I must admit that all in all, it has been a very good year; that may sound strange, but I believe it to be true. DJ died in 2011...for me and our family, that was a bad year. After the first few weeks of this year, I found myself sitting, with legs dangling outside an open window mentally, leaning all the way forward being my answer to silencing the not so quiet storm which had been raging inside me for almost 4 months. That I was able to fall backwards, into the space of the living is a result I attribute to some power greater than myself and the support of some damn fine folks I discovered right here on this site. As I look back now, I view that as one of the most critical points of my life. Fortunately, since then I have been able to arrive at a point of some understanding about most things which have taken place since DJ died. Flickers of acceptance have recently began to make their appearance also.

With the multitude of issues which grief brings on, it is a wonder that we can manage to get anything done during that early time and even beyond. It is a good thing that some sort of auto pilot exists as it appears that is what guides most of us through those tortuous early days, weeks...and sometimes even months. I am sure there is some clinical definition for it somewhere, some description designed and accepted by those whose condition in life is to know such things, but auto pilot is as good as any for me. I thought about this the other day as I boxed up DJ's leftover obituaries, the visitation book and related items; that they have been sitting on the far end of the dining room table for the past year may or may not indicate any particular issue I may have had with putting them away earlier, I'm really not sure. But at this point I have stopped trying to assign reasons to each and every act I perform, or thought I have, many times it does not good anyway. But they will go into the container I had started for her things, some of the last physical vestiges of her life...last medical info, her redacted personal journals, a few things I know she really liked and some special pictures. That container also had been left in it's same place in our basement for about the same amount of time as the obituaries had...I had started filling it the weeks of and after her death, that first week after had been when I had went through every item she owned and gave them the disposition she had wished for.

The children are aware of this container, and I told them I was doing what I thought was right with the items, but at the appropriate time, they could make the decision as to what they might want to do with it...and with mine. Before I sealed the container which is marked simply ''DJ's'', I half looked at some of the things which were lying on top, trying to remember the feelings which I had been having last year when I had first put them there; I clearly remember going through the motions and physically making the efforts, but the emotions I had at the time are somewhat of a blur, probably because I was too numb. My mind can recall how strong I thought I was being at the time, tackling all of this so soon, not knowing at the time that I was in a state of total shock; in a fog so complete that only much later would I really recognize what an utterly stunned and bewildered state my actual condition had been, a definite sign auto pilot had been engaged. Looking over paperwork from the Hospice service, funeral home &ct., brought to mind the things the family and I had done to prepare for  DJ's final exit, arranging clothes, jewelry, the necessities for burial...I know we did them and I can remember being in the various offices and crowding around the table as biographical information was put in order; but I cannot call up the feelings I was having at those times. It may be a good thing, there are more than enough other memories to make up for that. No doubt this auto pilot mechanism served it's purpose well for me, as with most of us, it allowed me to function during a time which for all practical purposes we should have been laid low, a time when, despite all I knew, I was not prepared for it; it made life during that period bearable and survivable.

Unable to speak for anyone else, I'm finding that in my case at least, it appears that auto pilot is restricted to allowing me to do things; for matters of feeling and emotion, it is absent; true, that sinking feeling which was always present early on, no longer plagues me everyday, the fact that some others do not call or come by is not an issue for me emotionally; I can go most places DJ and I once frequented without totally breaking down, every time, and I can see couples and families together without feeling that curious rage which once was present. My memory of the initial panic and disbelief is still real enough and those instances of unimaginable anger, at...something...the times when I sat in DJ's car, windows up, screaming at the top of my lungs...those times remain vivid. Of course, eating, sleeping and doing alone all those things once done with DJ can still be painful at times, but because of the efforts to face grief and the path ahead, added to the various sources of support I have found, some peace has returned, but I think, mainly due to time the life forward appears possible and desirable.

So when looking back with a clearer mind and newly conditioned eyes I can honestly say it's been a very good year, especially considering where those early weeks could have led me. When I decided during those weeks to fully wallow in the grief, one of the things I did was started driving DJ's car; not only that, I put a small favorite picture of her right in the middle of the speedometer...auto pilot was disengaging and I felt I had to be able to do these things, and deal with the feelings they caused if I were to really get through this. It is understood that some of us are not up to those types of things early on, for sure, we are all different; for me I think it was necessary. It forced me to think and work through a variety of different emotions and thoughts. I think it helped me this year to do those things...the constant presence of those things helped to make DJ's continuing absence bearable. As winter ended, the coming of spring brought some shakiness to my demeanor; this was the time of year DJ loved to do outside things with planting and flowers and such. For a few days I lived on the verge of tears once again, approaching the house each day during that time thinking once inside, I would cut loose. That didn't happen and that time moved on with me thoroughly enjoying the new growth of spring, and understanding that I too was growing. Of course spring moved into summer, as with many, our favorite time and for all intents and purposes I felt really good; thoughts were being sorted out, new routines were in place and some measure of peace was being gained. Of course there were times of waves, and the roller coaster was still running, 24/7, but we learn to cope, we come to find out, if we choose to, we can live again; the different life has many rewards of it's own, which can be a strange and wonderful thing all on it's own.    

So as the year comes to a close and I recall the many ups and downs it has brought, I can feel some calm with the progress I think I have made. Tho much may yet to be done, much has been accomplished, raging memories put to rest, self doubts faced, and in large part dealt with, if only partially, new friends made and meetups attended; yes, the year may have not been perfect, but then nothing is, but, from where I sit it was a very good year, in fact ''...it's been a mess of good years...'', really.