fAMily

There is much talk of family at the Holiday season, what it is, just what does it mean...I imagine we all have our own ideas of what it is and what it should be. Navigating the loss of our partners, we have come to understand somewhat better just what that means I think. Even in those situations where it was just the two of us, with only a sprinkling of one or two other members, the idea of family can be overwhelmingly powerful. Like most, my own idea has been shaped by my experiences growing up, and I have come to realize just how much it has meant to me and my efforts during this journey. Some of us find that losing our partners can bring out not only the best in our friends and family, but also the worse. With me, I have been fortunate that our family has remained solidly supportive of one another both during DJ's illness, and later, after her death. Part of this may have been the fact that we had almost 4 years from the time of diagnosis to the final outcome, but I really think it's because of the inherent good heartedness of the people involved in my life. DJ's core family members were close and I think that as I came to know her, this was part of what drew me to her even more. While we were going together and I would visit, there would always be much joking among the five of them, especially with her dad. I imagine they may have looked at me as another one of the the many friends, both male and female that hung around DJ's house, but of course I had other ideas. As it became obvious that DJ and I were getting serious and I was around more and more, I attended various family functions they would go to, and slowly became acquainted with more and more members of her extended family. They were all friendly enough, and after a while I became a fixture at Bar-B-Ques, birthday parties and the like. DJ carried over this sense of family and really stressed within our own after we were married.

My own idea of family was shaped mainly by the experiences from being blended into another family when my dad remarried after the death of my birth mother. The high sense of family was there too, in this new family situation.There are no evil stepmother stories to tell or a truck load of childhood slights to relate, in fact I have spent a good deal of time throughout my life, trying to avoid the use of the term step in regards to any member of the new family we were blended with. After that blending, the term my mother came to have special meaning for me; having lived with our dad's mother for a while, she is the only mother I have known, my birth mother having died when I was five. She proved to be in her element with four boys and three girls to deal with ranging in age from 7 through their early 20's, with two teenagers in the mix; most of the negative things I avoid doing today is because of my experience of having done them...once...and then having the error of my ways explained to me in ways, tho not unique in themselves, but more so in her style of implementation; we were never abused, but I don't think her methods would pass most state guidelines today.

As I meet others along the journey it distresses me when I hear of the situations where the death of a loved one has left the family in shambles, scrambling to find some center, but unable to because of the squabbles which are present. As I have no personal experience with that type of situation, anything I might say on it is truly speculation...but that does not make my observations and feelings about it any less valid. In our time of loss, when every measure of support is so critical, it is sad that so many of us have to experience the added pressures of family rancor to the grief equation. In our own family, from early on, I can remember DJ giving the kids what for after listening for a while as they argued or tried to put one another down. This was not something just related to early child raising either; I have lain awake many a night as she detailed her views on some particular issue they might be going through in their adult life, with her chiding me for my seemingly disinterested attitude. Knowing it would do me no good to explain that my silence on the issue was not due to any disinterest, but rather me wanting them to resolve it between themselves, I would listen as she would point out her bewilderment at their behavior. Later, often at our weekly family dinners DJ might guide the conversation to this idea and in her own way, let her thoughts on the current situation be known to those involved. Although an immediate resolution might not result, she would make her thoughts on the subject known.

For sure, along with everything else our loss brings to us, the division of what we may have come to think of as our family, including those members of our partner's family, can cause added stress to the devastation we endure. I can only imagine what a very hard thing it is to accept that we were merely tolerated because we happened to be involved with our partners. At a time when every bit of support can be so important, often, pettiness, sniping, and outright hostility can prevail, leaving us with a feeling of even more hurt and despair. Despite our best efforts, many times we are looked upon as having not done the right thing, or enough of the things we did do or in the best way; having all manner of misdeeds attributed to our actions by members of our partner's family and friends. Having heard survivors accused of everything from neglect to outright taking the life of their partners, I am distressed even more as the results of such actions by others only add to the deep sense of complete abandonment we might already feel. We are brought face to face with another of the many things which we find we cannot control and are many times, forced to come to some decision about our future role in the lives of those causing the upheaval. So, we not only lose our partner, but also in many cases, that sense of family we felt so safe with and sure of...the road continues it's twists and turns.

This all came to mind as I thought about our family, DJ's and mine, about my own family, and the bonds which have been created with DJ's. Recognizing I have been fortunate to have all of them in my life as they have been there for me and have truly made traveling the path much more easier than it might have been. The support of DJ's family cannot be overstated and I will not embarrass anyone by naming individuals, but they know who they are; more important to me, I know who they are. DJ is proud of them, of that I am fairly certain of, at the most crucial of times they exhibited all those things I have come to know she professed and actually practiced over the years we shared together. It is one of the many things which endears her to me and reminds me to be thankful for the life I was able to share with her. For those whose experience with family members may have not been so positive, I can only offer that many of us are aware that the situation exists; that we can do little but offer that you should know someone is aware may be of little solace, but know that you are not alone. It is my hope that tho it may make the journey a bit more difficult, at least you can be secure in the knowledge that altho we cannot control the motivations and actions of others, being true to our own sense of family, understanding that which we tried to do, and in many cases succeeded in doing in regards to creating a truly cohesive family is something which we understand cannot be taken from us. Like the hearts and minds of our partners, it is ours, unable to be touched by others unless we allow that to happen.

Often, we can find a new sense of family in the friends we make through grief, I know I have, and it's a curious thing; being obnoxious, causing constant turmoil and upheaval can cost you your membership in this idea of family, be it the blood one, or the the one created by agreed friendship, but no amount of money can purchase you a place in a good one. So, as we move forward we try to continue to carry this idea of a solid family with us, beyond the negatives which may be present, past the doubts offered by others and on, through the storm of grief, we attempt to weather one day at a time.  Now, this all may seem so futile, so impossible, but I think that we should keep in mind that just not so long ago, we also thought we would not make it this far, but we have; and many of us have done it not with the support of whatever family may have been present before, but because even if it was just the two of us, those, things good and bad which creates the bonds of family are present with our loved ones and lives within us yet. It may be something which we all can carry with us, not just this season, not just this year; but as a part of our lives which can help us in weathering whatever storms may come....Peace