There was a question posed to a group of us in a chat room recently and for me, at this point, it's kind of important; a member asked: '' Hey guys, sometimes, do you find that coming here, and to the site brings back memories which cause you pain...??...or bring back feelings you may have thought you already dealt with??''...I thought it was a very reasonable inquiry as I had begun to wonder and think about the same things a bit. Actually, earlier I had read a post touching on this very same idea...at one point I imagine we all have to examine ourselves to see if the choices we're making to assist us through the grief are really helping or not. I think we all come to the various sites, forums, groups and chat rooms of the many sites which are available, seeking the solace of kindred souls, those whom we feel will know how we are feeling or at least be willing to hear our thoughts about those feelings with understanding and without judgement...it's what the sites and other resources are suppose to be there for...I think individually it is up to us to use those resources effectively for our own healing, that we share and may help others is a natural by product of the entire exercise. I'm finding that if we can feel through the shock and numbness, if we are able to hear through the fog, we can learn to negotiate the journey through grief and begin to arrive at a point where we can start to see the road clearer. This whole idea of if and when do we hear enough about death, about sadness, about loss is purely personal I think, and we probably all have different thresholds of saturation. I for one am convinced that problems can arise for us if we are not cognizant of our limitations, depending on our mental makeup.
Speaking only for myself and at the purest level, subjectively, I find at various times I do have to step back, refrain from engaging so often...not so much because the subject has begun to take me back to anything or may be causing added anxiety, but more because I find myself wanting or needing to re-examine certain points and ideas of my own journey and to try to understand if I have a firm and comfortable grip on them; if the necessary things are in a safe place in my mind. The idea that constantly being reminded of DJ's loss may add to the pain of my own personal experience is a bit foreign to me... some may find that hard to understand, I will try to explain; I understand a few things about myself, one of them is my almost limitless ability to be selfish...about the pain I feel at the loss of DJ, I know this is true; I am convinced that no one, anywhere, has pain as great as mine over the loss of their loved one. No one can feel any deeper, hurt any more, or grieve more heavily than myself...anyone else's pain may be great, but mine is greater. Of course the only place this is actually true is in my own mind, but for this, that's the only place it needs to be true; it does not have to be so for anyone else, not about DJ and my grief. I am certain the depth of your own hurt and pain is just the same as mine...in your own minds, and again, this too, is valid. Now, one might think that all this selfishness I profess might not leave room for empathy for others, but I don't think that to be true in my own case. Actually, I'm finding the opposite to be quite true; by accepting this idea that I cannot further be assailed by grief as true for myself, it allows me to hear and listen of other's loss with an ear which does not necessarily lead to me internalizing their pain. I think I can hear of it, share in their sense of loss, and genuinely understand much of what they're feeling in a true and real manner with some degree of empathy, and do so without adding to the pain of my own grief. But of course, this can only be done for a while, at some point we all need to go offline, reflect and recharge our own mental batteries.
But the query of the original proposition is valid and we should be aware of our limitations, as it is up to us to be on alert for danger signals when our mental health may be at risk. Accepting that we do have limits in what we can absorb and relate to, is a sign that we are cognizant of our limitations. It does not mean we don't care any longer or that we have taken what we need and will now have our leave...the weight of our personal grief is heavy indeed, our capacity to take on more may be great, but has to be monitored so that our focus can be directed to healing and not to residing in pain. It has been my experience during this, to find that as promised, this process is exhausting, even dealing with our own questions and memories, that from them too even, sometimes we must break away and let all the thinking go for a while. It's those times that I refer to as 'drifting', altho aware I am grieving, during these periods I make no conscious effort to think about it; the fact that my subconscious refuses to totally cooperate can be an issue, but I have found I can for the most part take a respite from the heavy, in depth searching and questioning; it is a nod to the notion that self care is my responsibility.
Now, this may be something which, for whatever reason, does not arise as an issue for some of us, and that may be good...for those of us who find ourselves needing to pull back for a while, we should not shrink from doing so; I'm thinking that if we become saturated, or desensitized to the needs and feelings of those whom we hope to support, we are doing them or ourselves no good. In line with this, we should not grade ourselves too harshly if we find we need to step away or take a break. Altho the notion can get lost during our grief, we should remember that this idea is not new, not something merely associated with grief; we have seen it before in our lives in general, no doubt in various guises. The many events, functions, and traditions we are normally involved with as we live can drain our mental resources over time, and we slack off or drop out for a while to reset ourselves to tackle them anew. We can do this without any added stresses or feeling as if we are deserting or abandoning them, I think the same can be so with our efforts in support of our grieving peers and help ourselves on this road to less pain.
I'm taking the original question as a lead in to an opportunity to remind myself that because of the seriousness of the issues involved here, we need to be sure to maintain our own emotional stability as best we can, in order to be of effective assistance to anyone else. I believe in doing this, we can insure that if we desire to, we can be available for offering the support we know can make so much difference to someone else as we and they, move along the path in this journey. With the calendar year date having just came and went, since the day DJ died, it came to me that all of the thinking, postulating, questioning, regretting, examining and mind probing I have attempted to do during that time may seem like a lot; much has been revealed and altho some things remain elusive, I fear it will always be like that, the feeling that some stone has been left unturned may always linger. Rather than concentrate on what may have been missed in all of this, I am choosing to revel in the many positive things which have emerged from it all. At this point I cannot say that I have reached saturation, either in my own, or hearing of the trials of others; I believe I have been able to find safe places in my mind for the thoughts and memory I need to and having done that, I find I can still be here, I can still listen and be reminded without being taken to that dismal state we all know so well...so I remain, listening, learning, and recognizing that for me, being here, for now is a new and integral part of actually living this different life; not being depressed or taken to despair by the pain which may be found, but energized by following the growth of others, the many small victories displayed daily by those of us who are attempting to rebuild, move forward and find purpose once again, and gaining satisfaction from easing the minds of those newly exposed to the path of grief. Today I am choosing to maintain the positive thread and share it wherever it might be helpful, it's not much, but maybe it's something which helps someone...somewhere.
Just another thought among the many as we travel...forward
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