ThanksFull

Almost naturally, at this time of year, we can find pages and pages of missives detailing the many things one or another of us are grateful for and I really think that's a good thing. Tho many of us don't require any special day or season to express our gratitude for what our lives have become, at this time of year it's almost mandatory we do so. Originally I had not planned to try and put down any thoughts about being Thanksfull, not for any lack of actually having things to be thanksfull for, but because I thought that I had probably mentioned most of them in the random thoughts I have been posting here and other places over the past few months. But after talking with our youngest daughter the other nite, I was forced to rethink the idea; her birthday is early in October, only two days apart from DJ's and normally they would celebrate them together...usually sharing a cake and enjoying the days with the family all in attendance. This had become somewhat of a tradition after the children had grown into adulthood, it was always a joyous time. Along with the birthdays of our other two children, their's being in September, for us it was really the lead-in to the entire Holiday season. Of course, the fact that DJ died in November has put a damper on that time period for now, and, this being the first year without her for us, it has naturally taken a toll on the family, but because of the birthday situation, especially the children.

From the start of all of this, I had recognized that altho I had lost my wife, the children had lost their mother, and as I have stated before, I knew I could only imagine how they must be feeling. Being careful to always listen to what they were saying when we talked, I tried to gauge just what form my support and sharing with them should take; like many of us, having no experience at losing the most important person in our lives, I could only guess about what to do; of course being older, and having a different relationship with DJ, many of the things which I understood out of hand, I knew would not be helpful, said to them, not early on anyway. Any attempts to point out how fortunate I thought they were in having their mother until they were well into adulthood versus me, having lost my own at the age of 5, tho maybe true, would probably not come off so well. To say that we should be at least a little grateful that she did not have crippling pain, or that we had a fair amount of warning may have fallen on ears unable to hear anything but the deafening silence echoing in the empty spaces in their hearts and minds. Purposely, I had avoided bringing these things up, tho I used them personally to get myself through that challenging early time when I just knew that at any moment my entire being would be ripped apart by the pain I was experiencing. Reminding myself of them was my way of making sense of the senseless and dealing with a situation over which I had absolutely no control. For me, it allowed me exist long enough until I reached a point where I could honestly consider living forward or not. But for other family members, watching their pain and suffering, especially our children, thoughts of mentioning being thanksfull about anything may have done more harm than good, at least at that time...I really don't know, but that's what I truly believed; no good purpose would be served.

Our youngest had called to talk and see how things were going with me, altho she herself had been having a particularly rough spell because of the things noted above in regards to birthdays, and we had been in contact a bit more than usual lately, daily texts...talking. She is a spirited child, much like her father, and has certain strong ideas about how things should be, including grieving; it can be difficult for us when things do not bend to our will, and as we know, with grief, more often than not, it is we who must do the bending; this is a hard lesson for her, but her call was about letting me know that things were becoming clearer for her, the edges were starting to appear more knowable, more defined. During our conversation she mentioned that the mother of a friend of her's had been diagnosed with the same ailment as DJ, colon cancer, mets to the liver; the doctor had given a prognosis fairly close to that of the one we received for DJ; 3 to 5 years, depending. Well, her friend's mother had died just three weeks later...my daughter began telling me how lately she had come to be grateful for the almost four years she had been able to share with her mother, how she really had not thought much about it and had taken it for granted to some extent. To me, it was good to hear, I had refrained from attempting to point out things like that to her and her siblings as I felt, having lost their mother, it would sound shallow, hollow.  I had always felt it was something which would have to come to them in their own time, and for her, this was the time.

Which brings me to the things I am Thanksfull for; that within the scope of human lifetimes, DJ and I had many years together, that we were blessed with healthy children and opportunities to provide for them and were able to make a family together...that I was fortunate enough to have survived many dangerous situations and emerge only slightly battered, but wiser for the experience...that my children got to know the better me and allowed me to continue to be part of their lives despite my best efforts in behaving in an underserving fashion for a time...that DJ almost always had my back, even at my lowest and trusted that I would do the next right thing and be what I needed to for her and our family. As I have written before, I believe in miracles as I consider myself one which just happens to walk; I'm thanksfull that over the years, we got the chance to create many memories which are now carrying our family through the trials of grief and will probably carry us further, into the different life...that when the worse news was delivered to our family, we did not splinter, but were able to come together and genuinely, trust and support not only DJ, but each other...that through it all DJ was able, for the most part to live with managed pain and do just about what she wanted to, that she could maintain her carefree laugh and steadfast concern for each of us, despite what was occurring with her...that as her time wound down she did not despair, but came to accept with calming grace the facts, which in turn made it possible for each of us to bear everything that was happening with a bit more grace ourselves...that to the end, she remained concerned with us first and reminded us to maintain concern for one another...I could go on, but I'll say this and move on...I'm thanksfull that what has happened did not bring us to the brink of financial ruin, that we could all be there in those final days and hours, and that those hours were not filled with ravings of delirium, but as I witnessed, were the moments of a quiet and peaceful escape from the ravages of an illness which shows no favor. Oh, I know I have much to be Thanksfull for and I manage a nod to that at least once each day...it is the least I can remember to do.

There is more to be Thanksfull for and I could go on and on, but I'll just include this to those things already mentioned; I add, the fact that I have been given the opportunity to live the different life now, grateful that I managed to survive the best efforts of my own mind to throw myself away at the start of it all, that I was able to find here, get the support I sorely needed, meet new people and make special friends; Thanksfull that I no longer experience the lightning like bolts of pain and panic, that the recurring shock waves of reality are ebbing and that a measure of peace is at hand; that above all else, I am able to be grateful about the possibilities that life presents and that with just a bit of effort on my part, becomes more attainable each and every day. No, the journey is not over, but the road is clearer, the path can be seen in a different light and despite days of unbelievable sadness and nites of almost unbearable loneliness, we endure, we can prevail, we can live. Not in one line of anything written above will you find the word easy, that is not what this is about, I think this is about recognizing the realities of living and how we approach the results of events which make up our individual lives; today I can not only write these things down, but I can truly believe in them, and in the fact of hope, for that, I am most Thanksfull.